Breaking Codependency - Your Partner Can't Complete You

Do you want to have a happy loving relationship? If you enter into a relationship with the expectation that your partner is meant to alleviate your loneliness or unworthiness, it will lead to suffering. Codependent relationships aren't fun. This talk can help.

Please note: This audio is ripped from a video.

Transcript

Hello,

I'm Noah Elkrief and today I'm going to talk about codependency in relationships.

This is my first video about relationships,

At least in this round of making videos.

So what is codependency?

Most of us unconsciously enter into relationships with the hope that the other person can give us safety or love or completion in some way.

We look to our partner to make us feel safe,

Complete,

Whole,

Loved,

Nurtured,

Nourished and all these nice things.

And while that's normal to look for our partner to give us these feelings,

It is not healthy and it ultimately won't work.

So what do I mean by that?

If you've been in a relationship,

You know how beautiful it feels when your partner says I love you,

When they touch you lovingly,

When they're there for you,

When you need them and all of that is really beautiful.

You get these moments of safety,

Of feeling loved,

Of feeling okay and there's nothing inherently wrong with that.

But if you've been in a relationship,

The question is what's on the other side of those feelings like let's zoom in with a microscope and see what's really going on.

So when our partner is there for us,

When we're emotional or we're having a problem and they're there for us,

There's different ways that we can receive that.

If they're there for us and we feel safe and we feel taken care of and we feel supported,

That's really,

Really nice.

But if we can't find that within ourselves,

If we need them to feel safe and supported and okay,

Then it gets corrupted.

It gets kind of like hijacked or contaminated and then we begin to fear not having that from our partner and controlling our partner in order to get it.

So if I have a problem at work and I'm feeling down and I'm feeling not good and I look to my partner to make me feel safe and loved when I come home from work.

Now it's really just nice if they listen and they care about me and I feel comfort and I feel better.

But what about if they don't want to?

What about if they're busy with something else?

If they'd rather be watching TV or rather cook or rather take a bath or something,

What happens next?

Now if we can find that support and love and comfort within ourselves,

If we have that resource to take care of ourselves in that way,

Then we just completely honor our partner like,

Yeah,

Do whatever you want.

I understand if you don't feel like receiving me and being there with my pain and my struggle right now.

But if we can't find that resource within ourselves,

Then triggers start coming up.

You're supposed to be there for me.

You're supposed to listen to me.

That's what a partner is supposed to do.

Belief concept about what a partner is supposed to do.

Second,

We might go into controlling and manipulation like being passive aggressive,

Withholding our love,

Being a little nasty in our tone to try to let them know you shouldn't be doing this.

You should be there for me and not prioritizing TV or food or a bath or reading your book.

We might feel abandoned,

That nobody cares about me and I'm not loved and he doesn't love me.

We might feel hurt that he doesn't love me enough.

I might not be good enough.

I must be doing something wrong.

We can feel really angry at them for not valuing us more and not prioritizing us.

You get the idea.

So if our partner feels like it,

Feels like supporting us,

Then we can receive their comfort and that's just totally okay.

But when we rely on it,

When we need it to feel comforted,

Safe,

Relaxed,

Loved,

Then it turns into a big problem.

It destroys relationships.

It creates so many unhealthy,

Suffering,

Disrespectful dynamics in the relationship.

So I feel like something I said there,

I have to explain more.

It's not your partner's job to make you happy.

It's not your partner's job to sacrifice for you.

It's not your partner's job to make you feel good,

To make you feel loved,

To make you feel safe,

To prioritize you over him or herself.

If your partner feels like reading,

Feels like cooking for themselves instead of listening to you,

That is their right.

They're not supposed to put everything down for you.

But it's really,

Really different if they were to,

How do I say this?

So if my partner comes back after her day and is feeling hurt or down or abandoned or something,

But I'm really in the middle of reading or I want to go for a walk now or something like that and I will check in with myself.

I see she's hurt.

I see she's feeling down.

Do I feel it's an integrity to myself to put aside what I wanted to do for her?

And maybe the answer is no.

Right now I really want to put myself first and this is what I feel like doing.

I don't have the space or the desire to be there for her right now.

See,

The care in it is to check in with myself.

Do I have space for that?

Do I have a desire?

Do I have an openness to receive her and be there for her right now?

And if the answer is no,

Then the answer is no.

That is being respectful and kind towards myself because if I put her first when my truth is actually I want to take care of myself,

I want to do something that I was looking forward to or I just don't have the emotional space right now to take care of her.

If I do it anyhow because I should or it's the right thing to do or she needs me,

Then what happens is that leads to resentment.

It's unkind to myself.

It's denying my own desires,

Denying my own feelings and putting her first,

Then I will resent her and be mad at her or unconsciously distance and feel trapped in the relationship because I'm doing things I don't want to do.

And if I'm angry at her and resent her,

It's not actually her fault.

I'm really angry and resentful towards myself for not listening to myself,

For not doing what I wanted to do.

I get it.

But because I'm coming from care and respect,

Then I speak that.

I speak,

Hey,

I see that you're in pain.

I see you're looking for support right now.

And I'm sorry in this moment.

I really care that you need that and I really care that you're going through something right now but right now I really feel I don't have space for it or I really want to do that now and I'm looking forward to that.

Maybe later or is it possible you can find that within yourself or maybe call a friend to help support you.

And then it's really beautiful.

It's not like screw you.

I'm doing what I want to do.

It's really with love and respect towards my partner and myself about how to have respect towards ourselves and our partner at the same time when we have sort of opposite desires in the moment.

She wants me to take care and support and I don't want that.

And so if she can find that within herself or from someone else,

Then that's totally fine but if she demands it from me,

Then that's a problem.

That's a problem because I'm not a slave.

I'm not meant to do what somebody else wants me to do over what I want to do.

And that being said,

Of course,

If I feel they really need me,

She really needs me in a moment and I feel resistance or I don't want to,

I may take that into consideration and then work with some stuff within myself to deal with my sadness of not doing what I want to do and opening up to potentially doing what she wants instead and rescheduling my time so that I can do the thing I want to do maybe a little bit later or give her 10 minutes or whatever the case may be.

So it feels like the reason why I'm sharing that is so codependency is looking for your partner to complete you.

You need them for safety.

You need them for love and ultimately we want to find that within ourselves.

But within relationship,

If we just say,

Okay,

Well,

I'm supposed to find everything within myself so I'm not going to ask for support,

Then we're just two separate people living completely two separate lives and that's not needed.

So it's finding this beautiful balance between I would really love support right now.

I'd really love to receive some nurture right now,

But I don't need it.

But I don't need it.

I can find that within myself or I have some friends,

But that's ultimately the same thing,

Codependency with friends.

And then on the other side,

If our partner is looking for support,

I know I'm not needed and I don't have to do anything for her.

And at the same time,

I want to maybe sometimes because I love her and I care about her and I respect her feelings.

You understand?

So in a moment when we are looking to our partner or just generally when we are looking to a partner for safety,

Love and completion,

We have to turn it back onto ourselves and notice the parts of us that feel unsafe,

Unsupported,

Uncareful,

Unloved,

Incomplete.

And notice how society has taught us that to heal these things,

To find completion,

To find safety,

We're so taught that the answer is to just find a partner.

And in some way,

Our experiences seem to validate that because we get moments of it in relationship,

Moments of it with a partner,

Like when they love us,

We feel loved,

Yay,

I'm okay.

And when they hug us and hold us,

We feel I'm safe,

I can finally relax.

And so it's sort of natural in a way for us to unconsciously conclude that if we get more of that,

Then we can just always feel safe,

Always feel loved.

And so the issue with it is partly what I mentioned before,

That we're using our partner and therefore when they don't give it to us,

That can create problems.

But there's some other elements that are also issues with it.

So one is if that's the base of our partnership and we're using them,

It's not love.

It's a transaction.

I want something from you.

I want you to make me feel safe.

I want you to make me feel loved.

And probably you want the same thing from me.

So we're not truly meeting in connection.

We're meeting in I want something from you.

And that's not a very nourishing,

Nurturing connection.

And it's ultimately not a relaxing,

Supportive relationship.

The second thing about it,

Or maybe now the third thing that's an issue with this,

Is that it will never work.

You can only,

When you get it from a partner,

When you get it from someone outside of you,

Safety,

Love,

Completion,

It can only ever be momentary.

It can't last.

So if I feel inadequate,

Not good enough,

Unworthy of love,

And then my partner remembers my birthday or calls me or hugs me or says how much they love me or says something nice to me or buys me something that's the perfect gift,

I feel so loved and I feel so nice.

But for how long?

Minutes?

Hours maybe?

Maybe even a couple of days.

And then what?

Same old feelings of being inadequate,

Unworthy of love,

Not good enough.

So it's like they can never fill up the cup.

The same thing with safety.

If we look to our partner for safety,

Then when they take care of us,

When they are there for us,

When they were reliable,

When they cooked for us,

When they hugged us,

I don't know,

When they bought us something,

When they give us a certain look,

We feel really safe and calm.

But for how long?

If they don't call us,

If they don't give us that look,

If they're paying attention to their phone instead of us,

We start to feel restless,

Unrelaxed,

Tense.

So if we want to find lasting safety,

Lasting self-worth,

Lasting love for ourselves,

We need to get it from within ourselves.

We need to meet the part of ourselves that feels unsafe,

Unloved and incomplete.

So if you notice you're looking for a partner to feel better or you're in a relationship and you notice you've been looking for them to make you feel better,

Let's reverse it.

Let's turn it back around and meet the parts of ourselves that we're looking to get rid of.

Like we're looking to get rid of our unsafety,

Our low self-worth,

Our incompleteness,

Our sense of lack.

So I'm not going to go into fully how to do it,

But the point is,

Is that you can do it.

The unsafety inside of us,

The low self-worth,

The experience of lack inside of us all comes from things that happen throughout our life.

From not receiving our parents' love,

From rejections in the past,

From just moments of trauma.

And we are not meant to heal these things through other people loving us.

We're meant to heal this within ourselves,

That when we feel unsafe,

When we feel unloved,

How can I heal this?

How can I give myself the love that I'm looking for?

How can I give myself the safety that I'm looking for?

How can I heal the unsafety?

How can I heal the low self-worth?

How can I disbelieve the belief that I have that I'm not good enough?

How can I let go of this experience that something's missing from my life and disbelieve the idea that something about my life is not enough?

And I'll go into this in future videos and I also do it obviously in sessions and workshops.

But it feels really important to share it,

As I just had a session and it came up.

Yeah,

It's just so many of us just are unknowingly looking to our partner for completion and just thinking that's normal and that's how it's supposed to be.

But we're really supposed to find safety,

Love and completion within ourselves.

And then our partner is like a beautiful addition,

A beautiful luxury in a sense that we can enjoy love,

Connection,

Play,

Intimacy and all of the things,

But without needing it,

Without using them for it,

But actually just what do you want right now?

What do I want right now?

And if they're aligned that we both want to spend time in the same way and in the same energy and in the same style and dynamic,

Then we do that.

And when one doesn't,

Totally cool,

No problem.

You have no responsibility here.

No should here.

We're both completely free people doing what we feel like doing in respect,

In care for ourselves and the other.

Yeah,

So I hope you found this helpful and you're welcome to share with me in the comments anything that this brought up in you,

Beautiful or not so nice.

And if you found it helpful,

I welcome you to share it or subscribe as well.

Bye.

Reviews

I needed to hear this, today. My partner and I can easily slip into the behaviors mentioned in this talk. I’m grateful for all the support that is available to us, today. Thank-you.

Thid concept is totally new to me. Wow, did I need to hear that. Thank you!

Thank you! 🙏🏻

Thank you Noah for this talk. I was reading about the attachment styles lately and I am wondering about your thoughts on that. It sounds like different attachment styles lead to a programming that can’t be overcome so easily with self-love, self-care…your perspective on this is very much appreciated.

Thank you Noah, for your clear and perfectly understandable talk! Thank you for the reminder! 💞🙏💖 It is quite a journey to recover!

One of the best talks on codependency that I have heard… infact, the best 🙏🏻

Very helpful . Thanks.

Excellent

This is exactly what I needed to hear right now, and out into words what I was trying to explain of my experience earlier and failing miserably. Thank you!

I needed to hear this! Thanks for this beautiful talk

Excellent

That was a really phenomenal talk thank you so much! It was very insightful, and after listening to this, I realised that my friend is in a relationship like this with someone else, and the other person is controlling.

Very interesting! Thank you!