Vulnerability

Vulnerability and why it's so awkward. If you have ever felt vulnerable or if you have ever avoided showing your vulnerable side then this may be worth a listen. The power to be yourself in the most awkward of times is truly a gift to yourself and those around you. If you have found it hard to be vulnerable, you can reach me if you would like to talk more about it.

Transcript

This is the wonder of life and today's subject is vulnerability.

As usual I want you to get comfortable before I discuss vulnerability.

So if you're listening on your phone make sure you put on do not disturb so no one can interrupt you.

And if you're at home make sure you close the door and you tell any friends or family they can either join you or leave you alone.

We're going to be discussing this for around 15 minutes.

Again we're going to do three deep breaths to make sure you can get tuned in to this really awkward subject of vulnerability.

Take a deep breath in through the nose and out through the mouth.

And again in through the nose and out through the mouth.

One last breath in through the nose and out through the mouth.

Now let's talk about vulnerability.

I decided to do today's subject because it's something that I'm experiencing quite a lot at the moment.

Ironically enough I actually thought I had a communication problem.

I know for those of you who know me will laugh at that.

I was really struggling with saying what I wanted to say.

And then my friend lovely has who is also listening now said to me honey you don't have a communication problem.

You have a vulnerability problem.

And he hit the nail on the head.

Vulnerability is so difficult sometimes.

Brene Brown does an amazing amazing book on vulnerability which I'll leave below in the comments for you to take a look at.

She talks about everything related to vulnerability and when I listened to that book a few years ago it blew my mind.

It was so connected to how I felt.

And I hope that this podcast helps you to connect with yourself in a similar way to what she did with me.

This evening I decided to do a podcast on breaking up.

And it took me a while to kind of think of all the things I wanted to include.

Breaking up with someone is one of the hardest things that happens in life.

And there's a lot to it.

And I kept doing certain recordings of the podcast and then thinking of other things that I could have added in.

And the project seemed like it was endless.

I then spoke to a friend and I said to them oh I was doing a podcast this evening on breakups.

And her first comment was what you 10 year single you're talking about breakups.

And that comment hurt me.

It was a judgment.

She said it was a joke but it actually hurt me.

I felt really vulnerable.

I felt oh my god my friend thinks I'm not educated enough to talk about breakups even though they've been some of the hardest points in my life and I think I'm more than justified to talk about breakups.

But it was feeling vulnerable in that moment that didn't make me feel very nice.

There's other times in my life where I felt incredibly vulnerable.

Times where I felt rejected.

Where I felt lonely.

Where I felt overwhelmed and overpowered.

I remember a time when I felt really really vulnerable.

I'd fallen in love with someone and it was by surprise.

I wasn't expecting to fall in love with this person.

It really did shake me to my core.

When I met him I was a different type of person back then.

I was loud.

I was a drinker.

I took a lot of drugs and I was a little bit crazy.

I was also really sarcastic and not in the nicest form.

Yeah I might have looked a certain way and he might have found that attractive but after a while my bitter personality didn't do me any favours.

I got pregnant to this guy and although at the time it wasn't the right time for me to have a child we never really communicated properly about how we felt when that time arose.

We didn't share our true feelings and I dealt with it really badly.

It was one of the hardest times of my life but I didn't dare go into how vulnerable I felt.

I didn't dare share with him how incapable I thought I would be as a mother or how I hadn't achieved anything in my life and I didn't think that I could afford to have a child in any way and that my child if it was going to be born deserved to be born into a better environment than what I could provide for it back then.

At the time instead of opening up to say how vulnerable I felt I chose a different set of words entirely.

What I meant to say was I'm terrified,

I'm falling in love with you and I'm now pregnant and I have no idea what childbirth is like,

It seems like the most excruciating thing a woman can go through.

I'm shitting bricks about this and I don't know what to do.

I ended up saying I don't want this baby,

Get it out of me,

I hate it,

I don't want this situation,

It's horrible.

And my choice of words at the time I think absolutely crucified any remote romantic feelings that the father of the child had whatsoever.

The last thing you want to hear is someone you fancy saying get it out of me when they're talking about your child.

I look back now and I am shocked that those words came out of me on more than one occasion I might add.

I really didn't know how to communicate.

I was terrified.

And again later on in life when I tried to communicate about how I felt being pregnant and how I felt with the baby I then just chucked my radical truth onto him.

I didn't really care for his answer I just wanted to get out all of my feelings I had regretted not saying.

So I sent the poor guy a 20 minute video of me blubbering about our child that was no longer.

Two years after the event.

I've since learnt how to communicate my feelings and I know that my radical truth is not necessarily what's needed.

My vulnerability is what's needed moving forward.

But the reason that we're not vulnerable is because we're scared of ultimately being rejected.

We feel if that person sees us for who we really are they're not going to want us.

How could they possibly love us when we're not the best versions of ourselves.

We're terrified that they may tell someone or that they may judge us in some way that's going to hurt us either now or in the future.

Earlier on this evening when my friend made that comment at the time it hurt me and I chose not to go into it further because she said oh it's just a joke.

But what I really wanted to communicate was actually that really hurt me.

But I know she wouldn't have meant it horribly and I also know that I have a little bit of vulnerability about breaking up because it's been some of the hardest times in my life.

I thought no I'll deal with that moment myself later.

But I now think that was the wrong thing for me to do.

Because it did hurt and I should have shared that more than I did I felt judged.

And no one likes to feel judged especially from friends.

Sometimes when we meet someone we think oh my god how could this person like me.

What if they see me and all my flaws they're just going to reject me and I can't handle that.

So we do everything in our power to push them away.

We make up grand excuses of why we can't be available for this person or why it's not going to work out or we sometimes blame them if we're really in our ego.

We push it away so much that we sometimes hurt the other person.

I've been the one to do this and also been on the receiving end of this behaviour.

Communicating your truth is the only constant you have to use that will gain you any power.

Money will not bring you power like your truth will.

Anger will not bring you power like your truth will.

Pushing people away will not bring you any power.

Running from things again doesn't bring you any power.

Avoidance is a cancer.

It allows all the stuck energy behind whatever it is we're avoiding or ignoring and running away from to build up.

And that's a massive amount of energy that we're trying to control.

When we add drugs and alcohol to the mix think of all the things we're trying to run away and hide from.

They come out.

Our patterns come out.

Our negative side comes out.

Our jealousy.

Our angers and our fears come out.

Usually to the ones we love the most.

And it's because we haven't dealt with things in the past.

But still we find it hard to reach out and be vulnerable.

This podcast is not easy for me to do.

I'm going to tell you a little story about my vulnerability.

The same person that I was almost going to have a child with.

He was an incredible music producer.

I'd never heard anyone talk about music in the way he did.

He was profound at what he did.

He worked with famous artists.

And I secretly always had a longing passion to sing.

And instead of using this man and saying,

Do you know what?

I think he'd be an ideal opportunity for me to learn to sing properly.

Can you help me?

I didn't dare tell him how much I wanted to sing.

I felt so inadequate compared to the people who he was working with on a daily basis.

I wasn't a famous singer.

I had no intentions of being a famous singer.

I didn't think I was attractive as half the people that he was working with.

I wasn't in the music industry.

And I didn't think I was cool enough.

So without me really knowing it at the time and only by looking back on reflection,

I realize now why I wanted to learn to DJ.

It's because I wanted him to notice me.

I wanted him to get who I was.

I wanted him to see me and think,

Wow,

She's amazing.

She's so musically talented.

But that didn't happen.

Because what was happening was I was following something that wasn't my truth.

I wanted to sing,

But I was DJing.

It didn't work out.

I took myself off to Dubai and to many other places to DJ.

And I wasn't happy.

I was longing to be noticed and to be accepted and to be loved.

And I didn't notice and accept myself.

And nor did I love myself.

I wasn't willing to be me or to be seen vulnerable as me.

So how could I expect someone else to love me and to see me being vulnerable and to accept me if I wasn't prepared to do it myself?

We want people in our lives to love us and to accept us wholeheartedly and to forgive us for when we do things wrong and to accept us even with all of our shit and our baggage that we carry.

But when we can't accept ourselves,

That's where the problem lies.

If we're avoiding running from our own truth and we're putting something off and we're just running away from our biggest problems,

We will always be running.

We will never find someone to love us like we need to.

The power of intimacy in a relationship is so strong when you can be vulnerable with someone.

If there's something that you need to say or there's someone that you feel you need to connect with and you don't know how to do it,

Go and sit in the mirror and say everything that you want to say in that mirror first.

Cry out those tears you want to cry.

Think long and hard of what you'd want to say.

Practice it and rehearse it.

I'm not guaranteeing that you're ever going to be able to say it,

But I guarantee that if you work through that in that way,

You're releasing those emotions.

Day by day,

They will be transformed.

You'll be able to accept the situation that you're in and you'll be able to accept yourself.

You'll be able to know that you are far greater than you ever thought imaginable.

Your power to be honest is your greatest gift.

To be truly who you are,

Unapologetically who you're meant to be,

Is the only thing you should be concerned with in this life.

Because moving forward,

People are looking for transparency and trust and truth in everything that they do.

And if you're living in a world of emotional bullshit,

It's going to be extremely difficult for you to get through it.

There is nothing wrong with letting those emotions out and exploring those feelings.

And if we feel resistance to something,

As long as it's not physically abusive,

That's a doorway for greater healing.

Every person I felt resistance to has been a doorway for me to learn who I am.

And I used to love avoiding people.

God,

It was like a hobby.

But now I know if I feel like I need to avoid someone,

There's something powerful behind that.

There's something more intimate that I'm meant to learn about myself and that person.

And to show up and to go through that,

Regardless of how awkward it is,

Is the greatest gift you can give to yourself and to the other person.

I do feel so free within myself in so many of the friendships and relationships that I've had in my life because I've had the power to transform them into something more positive.

Even for the ones where I haven't been able to communicate for many years,

Like with the person that I got pregnant to,

Even with that person and him not being around for me to talk to,

I've healed myself in so many ways because I've had those conversations in the mirror.

I've explored those emotions to the nth degree and I've accepted all those silly parts of myself that I found so hard to forgive.

And whether he ever accepted me or not,

Whether he ever forgave me or not,

Is besides the point.

I've forgiven myself and that's the greatest gift.

I hope you've enjoyed this week's podcast talking about vulnerability.

One day I'll be really vulnerable and I'll be able to sing,

But for now the podcast will fill that hole for me until I'm ready.

Have a good week.

Reviews

This talk is right on time for me. Thank you for your courage 🪷

So amazing to hear this talk. Wow thank you so much. It really hit home for me.

Loved the session, thank you for sharing so openly yozr own experiences 🫶🏾 had especially to laughter when you described your younger self, as there are quite some similarities, which I went also through ☺️☺️

Thank you for being so brave. Also you have a lovely voice and glad you found a outlet to use it

Incredible. Beautiful. Inspiring. Brave. Thank you for being vulnerable. Time for me to do the same. Go sing girl, you got this x

It was amazing, and exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you so much for your vulnerability in sharing your story.

That was very inspiring. Thank you so much for showing us your vulnerability 🙏🏻

So hard to do and something I’m really working on. Thanks for the honesty 💙

I am proud of you for sharing all that you did within this podcast. Beautiful and plenty of inspiration to do the same for and with myself, thank you.

Lovely 💕 Thank you for sharing YOUR vulnerability. Inspiring!

Thank you so much for sharing this. I really needed to hear this right now.

A candid discussion about the courage of being in your own truth and finding power taking the challenging path of vulnerability

Thank 🙏🏼 you
💕 Jesse

In my own way I can relate to so much of what the speaker is saying. This has been truly phenomenal. Thank you and God bless.

You described precisely my fears and perhaps a way of dealing with them. Thank you. Would love to hear you sing

Powerful and perfect. To allow your self to be vulnerable, and share your truth with us,This resonated so much with me.I used to believe that being vulnerable showed weakness and open the door to more pain,but you have shown me that I was wrong. I thank you 🙏🏽🙏🏽

🙏🏼thank you for sharing. Makes me think of many instances in my life where I used avoidance in order to flee those vulnerable moments

Your story made me burst into tears - you've expressed something that I felt but didn't have words for. My dad is a professional musician and I sang as a teenager, but I never knew if he was going to praise me or make me feel inadequate. He was emotionally absent, he did not show up like I needed him to. I was probably good enough to sing more but I think it's my relationship with him that's stopped me. I was seen by him but also rejected by him, both through his contemptuous words and negligent actions. It hurts most to be rejected by people that you've been so vulnerable with. I have a lot more healing to do. Thank you for a little nudge along the journey.

Your teaching about vulnerability is my story. I too was in a relationship where I experienced a pregnancy that I was unsure of; however, before I could comprehend it all, I ended up having a miscarry. The lack in communication on the event and the lack of vulnerability to express my emotions, unknowingly caused havoc in my life and relationship and most importantly, it muted my spirit. It caused a lot of pain to not only me but my partner at the time. So I thank you for sharing your story and being vulnerable with it. It is helping me in my healing process and encouraging to my evolution of vulnerability. Thank you!

Sweet. Thanku.
I secretly want to sing too 🙏

Thank you for your courage,honesty, and sincerity in sharing your vulnerability. Your podcast resonates with me in a very profound way - You have given me a nudge to be more open. Best to you and namaste 🙏