Before we begin,
Let's slow down just a little.
Take a deep breath.
This isn't a conversation you need to follow or understand.
There's nothing here to get right.
As you listen,
You might notice what happens in your body.
A shift,
A tightening,
A softening,
Or maybe nothing at all.
Whatever shows up is okay.
You don't need to make any sense of it.
Just notice what you notice.
We're going to begin with a question.
And we're going to let it land without trying to answer it.
When does regulation turn into self-abandonment?
One more time.
When does regulation turn into self-abandonment?
Not when we're overwhelmed.
Not when we're dysregulated.
When we're calm.
When does staying steady cost us something we don't immediately notice?
When does being grounded require leaving ourselves behind?
I want to describe the moment without explaining it too much.
I was in a conversation that mattered to me.
Nothing traumatic,
Nothing confrontational.
I was in a conversation that mattered to me.
The other person was feeling a lot of emotion,
Not out of control,
Just a lot of emotion.
I could feel myself settle.
My voice slowed.
My body steadied.
My tone softened.
I listened.
I nodded.
I stayed present.
And then somewhere inside of me,
Something went quiet.
Not calm,
Quiet.
I didn't interrupt.
I didn't push back.
I didn't name what was happening for me.
I stayed regulated.
At the time,
I thought this was success.
This is what we're taught,
Right?
Stay grounded.
Don't escalate.
Be the steady one.
But afterward,
I noticed something.
I felt tired in a very specific way.
Not overwhelmed.
Not drained.
Hollow.
I realized I had been tracking the other person very carefully.
But I had stopped tracking myself.
Nothing went wrong externally.
But internally,
Something had been overridden.
And that's the part we rarely talk about.
I have three observations about this.
And I'm going to read them aloud twice.
That way,
You have time to let them sink in.
The first one.
Regulation is not neutral.
It always moves attention somewhere.
Let me say that again.
Regulation is not neutral.
It always moves attention somewhere.
The next one.
Staying calm can become a way to disappear without leaving.
One more time.
Staying calm can become a way to disappear without leaving.
And the last one.
When we consistently regulate instead of respond,
Is the body learning that our experience is negotiable?
One more time.
When we consistently regulate instead of respond,
Does our body learn that our experience is negotiable?
If that's the lesson,
It doesn't stay combined to just that relationship.
So I want to return the question to you.
Where do you stay regulated at your own expense?
Who are you calm for?
What emotion do you manage first?
Yours?
Or theirs?
And what story do you tell yourself about that?
That you're being mature?
That you're being safe?
That you're doing the right thing?
What if regulation isn't the problem,
But we're using it to avoid being impacted?
I'm not interested in throwing regulation out.
I'm interested in whether it still belongs to you.
Or whether it's something you learned to use to survive.
This isn't a question that resolves cleanly.
It keeps asking more of us.
We'll stop here.
You don't need to make sense of what came up.
You don't need to do anything with it.
Whatever you noticed or didn't notice is enough.
You can let the question stay with you.
Or you can let it go.
Trust that your body will keep listening in its own way,
And in its own time.
And you can come back and listen to it.
To this again,
In your own time.
Thank you for joining me today.
