Grief is about depth,
And when you enter the despair stage of grief,
You are fully submerged.
You are sunk.
You may feel like you're at the bottom of the ocean,
Or in the back of a deep,
Dark cave.
It's the blackest darkness,
Darker than you could have imagined,
Darker than you thought existed on this plane.
The kind of darkness that makes you wonder if you even exist.
You can't see your hands in front of you,
Or feel yourself in space.
You feel reduced to a pinprick in the void.
You're feeling your way around in the cold blackness,
The wet walls of this cavern,
The bottom of the ocean floor,
Carefully placing one foot in front of the other,
One hand in front of the other as you trace the cave's slimy walls.
You don't know how deep you are,
Or how long this cave goes for.
You're not sure what you're touching,
Or what lies ahead.
And that's terrifying.
In this depth,
You may feel helpless,
Hopeless,
Lonely,
And empty.
You may feel physical symptoms like dizziness,
Palpitations,
Or trembling.
You might have lost your appetite,
Or find that you're sleeping too much,
Or too little.
It may feel like you're going to die.
You wish you weren't here in this place,
That things were different.
You wish you could see what's ahead of you.
You wish you could be ahead of where you are.
You will come out of this darkness,
One hesitant footstep at a time.
But it will take time.
Just as your eyes need to gradually take in the daylight when you leave a dark movie theater,
You need time to adjust to your post-lost life.
This is a natural response to being in darkness for so long.
Be gentle with yourself.
Despair means you have reached the bottom,
Yes.
But you will be starting upward next.
Where there's a going down,
There's always a coming up.
You are moving through despair.
It is deep,
It is dark,
And you're moving slowly,
But you're moving.
You won't be here forever.
And one day,
You will reach the surface.
You will emerge from that dark cave.
You will find yourself waiting in shallow waters once again.
But for now,
You are here.
So rest in this moment.
Hold your arms out in front of you,
Palms facing up.
Cross right wrist over left.
Now tuck them under opposite armpits.
Rest here as long as you'd like,
Knowing that even at your lowest,
You are held.
And knowing that you can always return to this place,
No matter what depths you find yourself in.
Friends.
