Escape Self-Sabotage: Choose Your Path

How we can break free from invisible patterns. From Self-Sabotage to Choice.
Today we are gonna talk about self-sabotaging mechanisms and how these hidden and invisible patterns that we don't even know about run our lives. This episode is about understanding and seeing them for what they are. Getting back to choice, freeing ourselves from stepping back.

We will explore why we unconsciously sabotage our own success and relationships, and how to identify the root causes of these behaviors. This episode guides you on breaking free from the patterns that hold you back and offers actionable insights for reclaiming your personal power.

Transcript

Hi there,

Today we're going to talk about self-sabotage and how these invisible patterns,

These hidden patterns that we don't even know about run our life and how we can actually step out of them and understand them better so we can,

You know,

Instead of them being in the shadow,

They're coming towards us,

Understanding and seeing them for what they are.

So have you ever wondered why,

For example,

You hold yourself back just when things seem to be going well,

You feel like,

Yeah,

I'm on the right track,

I know exactly what I'm gonna do and then you feel this part of holding back?

Or do you know this situation when you're in a relationship and you knew this person is gonna be so different,

This relationship is gonna be so different and then you end up noticing it's the same repeating conflicts that you have with this partner that you already had with the partner before?

Or are you in a working environment and you notice that you keep having the same topics,

Like the same issues with bosses or colleagues that you used to have before?

Like all of these topics can be a sign of self-sabotage.

So what is self-sabotage?

Maybe that,

You know,

First of all,

Self-sabotage is kind of like a word that implies that you sabotage yourself and I would say that's probably not the best word to explain what's actually happening there.

What is happening in these moments is that there is certain hidden mechanisms that drive your actions that even change the way you act,

They change the way you see certain things and feel about certain things.

A self-sabotaging pattern is when you look at yourself doing things that you know are not good for you,

But you're doing them anyways,

Right?

That's a good example for it.

And we all have these patterns inside of us,

Right?

Like that we do certain things that are actually against what we actually want in life and what is really important for us.

And in this episode,

I also want to show you how shadow work can actually transform self-sabotage into choosing the choices that you actually want in your life.

So first of all,

Let's look into common ways of how self-sabotage can show up in our life.

One example is procrastination,

Right?

Like,

So we want to do something,

We know exactly,

You know,

Like it's the typical thing of New Year's resolutions.

You have all these,

Okay,

At the beginning of the year,

All these resolutions,

What you really want to do.

And then it's six months later and you haven't done anything,

You know,

Procrastination,

This part where we keep postponing things in our life,

Although we know they're important for us.

Self-sabotaging,

Form of self-sabotage can be unhealthy relationships.

Let's say you are,

Again,

In a partnership with someone who is emotionally unavailable,

Or you feel constantly rejected in relationship,

Or you feel like your boundaries are constantly crossed,

You know,

Or you end up again in being the one who is the giver,

Giving,

Giving,

Giving,

And not receiving back.

And I think what is important to understand about all these examples that I just did is that we unconsciously actually create these situations in our life,

Right?

Like,

That's why it's called self-sabotage,

Because we're unconsciously creating a situation,

For example,

With this relationship example that I said,

We are from the beginning giving the signal to the partner,

No,

It's okay,

I want to give to you,

But I don't need anything back,

Right?

Unconsciously,

We create a situation where we signal that's what we want,

Right?

We are holding back our own needs.

And so what is interesting is to understand that there is deeper rooted mechanisms behind it.

So for example,

When I don't want my partner,

You know,

To equally give to me,

There can be topics like unworthiness,

Right,

That are underlying,

Yeah,

I don't feel worthy to receive also.

Or there can be topics like I'm only feeling loved when someone else is,

When I can give to someone else,

I only see my own value in being productive.

When someone says,

Hey,

You helped me,

Or you did this great thing for me,

That's when we feel that we contribute,

That we have a value in our life.

That can be one of those mechanisms.

It can be that you have these moments when you have a habit,

You know,

Let's say,

Maybe an addictive habit,

Like,

I don't know,

Smoking or eating certain things or whatever it is,

You know,

Like that,

You just like feel like I really want to stop with this,

But I just don't know how to stop this,

Right?

And I want to talk a little bit about why,

Right?

Like,

How is self-sabotage even created?

And so,

One of the places where self-sabotage is created is,

It's not something,

Oh,

Yeah,

I'm just thinking this way.

No,

Actually,

It's really deeply rooted mechanisms.

And very often,

Self-sabotage mechanisms are created in early childhood experience,

Right?

So,

When we experience negative conditioning,

When we experience trauma,

When we have an unstable environment,

You know,

At home,

But,

You know,

These are some of the ways how it's created.

But I also want to say,

It doesn't have to be like a super traumatizing childhood.

Of course,

If we experienced a lot of unsafety in our childhood,

Or we had like an abusive parent or something like that,

This,

You know,

Like this is definitely creating these shadow patterns and also self-sabotaging mechanisms.

But it can be as easy or simple as our mom or dad only said,

Hey,

Good girl,

When we did something they wanted us to do.

And whenever we did certain other things,

They said,

Oh,

You're not a good child,

Or you're bad kid,

Or something like that.

And even if they didn't say it out loud,

It can just be the way they looked at us in that moment,

Or their disappointment in that moment.

And so,

One mechanism that is also a self-sabotaging mechanism that can get created in this kind of situation is that the child early on saves the information,

Oh,

I must be the good person,

The good girl,

The good boy,

In order to be loved.

And so,

The self-sabotage is that we don't allow ourselves to be who we truly are,

Or to be authentic,

But we sabotage ourselves to always please others,

Right?

And that's why we might sabotage in our relationships our own needs,

Because we want to be liked,

Right?

And one example is that what these patterns in our childhood create is that we have certain beliefs in us,

Right?

Like,

I'm not good enough,

Or for example,

You know,

Like,

One is what's very interesting is we can have a self-sabotaging pattern of not being successful,

But also being afraid of success.

And what could be a pattern behind that is that success will bring us pressure,

That success will,

You know,

Make us visible,

And,

You know,

Unconsciously,

We think we're maybe not,

You know,

Good enough for that,

Or it would be unsafe to be seen in that way,

Or it's too vulnerable for me,

Or I'm not protected when I show myself fully.

And how these self-sabotaging patterns can also be created is when we have these safety,

Like when we don't feel safe,

When we don't have emotional safety,

Right?

And again,

This can,

Is very often created in early childhood in relation to our parents or the caregiver,

But also the social environment that we're in,

Right?

In our environment that we're in right now,

It is very normal to be in this high achiever environment.

And the high achiever can be another self-sabotaging thing,

Right?

Like,

When we overwork,

We always want to achieve,

We see our value only in achieving certain things.

And the way we self-sabotage in these moments is that we don't actually think about our own needs,

And don't take care of them.

But then when our,

You know,

Like how it's created is because that kind of behavior of overachieving,

Always being the best and everything,

We all know this is what we get cheered up for,

Not just from our parents,

But at school,

Very often by classmates,

It's what everyone wants,

Right?

And having bad grades and not being an achiever is seen as something negative.

And then we go into the workforce,

And that's where we experience the same social conditioning.

So,

The conditioning is not just coming from our parental home,

But it can come from the society,

From a specific teacher who told us certain things,

And that created a thought inside of us that we're not good enough,

Or that we need to be different,

And so on,

And so on.

And so,

These are these patterns,

And I mean,

I can talk a long time about it,

But like,

I just want to introduce one last one,

Which is the inner critic,

Right?

That we are becoming very critical to ourselves,

That we're never satisfied,

That we are always criticizing ourselves,

Being much harder and much stricter with ourselves than we are with others.

I'm not gonna go too deep into the inner critic,

Because we're gonna have a whole episode about the critic,

But more like going into,

So let's say you found one of those self-sabotaging cycles,

And let's look into how can you break that cycle.

And so,

One of the ways you can do it is self-awareness.

So,

In a way,

Self-awareness can help you a lot to understand what is it that you're actually doing internally in this moment,

Right?

So,

Because the most important thing is to identify your own self-sabotaging pattern,

And go a little bit deeper,

You know,

Rather than saying,

Oh,

I'm always procrastinating,

As an example.

Yeah,

That's true,

But go deeper into understanding what is happening inside of me when I'm procrastinating.

And self-awareness is one of the most important parts of it,

Because if we're not aware,

Then we can't break free.

So,

What I suggest,

If you feel you have one of those patterns,

Is to really become crystal clear and crisply in observing those patterns.

A lot of times,

When we,

You know,

Start to break out of those patterns,

We might notice that we're still in them,

But the difference is we can observe them now,

And that's the most powerful step,

Because if we can observe them in that moment,

They're not in the shadow anymore.

So,

When you feel stuck in these patterns,

Just,

You know,

Like,

Write down what you're observing,

How do those patterns,

Like,

How is the self-sabotage look like?

What is it that you tell yourself in your mind when you are inside of this pattern?

What is your emotional landscape looking like?

Like,

How does your body feel in these moments?

How do you feel?

Like,

How old do you feel in these moments?

And you can use mindfulness practices to really,

You know,

Check in deeper,

But also journaling to just write down what you observe,

Right?

And then what is very important is how you break the cycle,

Is not to avoid those patterns and say,

And because that's happening for a lot of us,

Right?

Now,

We know we have this pattern of,

Let's say,

Procrastination or perfectionism,

And then we give it a negative connotation,

Like,

Oh,

Yeah,

This is really bad,

Right?

Or I shouldn't be doing this.

And in doing that,

What we do is we judge ourselves for that,

And that is making it actually worse.

So,

What's really important is when you observe one of those patterns inside of you is to bring the shadow closer to you.

That is the way to do it.

You bring it closer.

And to integrate your shadow is also sometimes to really go deeper,

Right?

Because so on the one hand,

You understand it,

But on the other hand,

It's still there.

And in these moments,

We have to go to the deeper repressed parts of ourselves that are really hidden,

That are maybe hidden fears or hidden emotions like anger,

Insecurity,

Shame,

And they all drive self-sabotage when you ignore them.

So,

That is something where we have to go deeper,

And very often we need a guide for that.

Because so,

You know,

Find a coach or a therapist to work with that we can really access those more vulnerable parts that are really hard to access on our own.

So,

For example,

If you're someone who constantly sabotages relationships,

There might be a fear of real intimacy,

Maybe from past rejections,

Maybe you had lots of relationships where you felt rejected and then every time someone comes really close to you,

You sabotage it yourself.

And that is something where we really have to face our fears.

And my experience is with this really deeper stuff,

We need,

You know,

To be held in going to those places because they're not easy to access.

So,

With all that I'm sharing in general about this deeper inner work and inner transformation work,

I just want to say there is this mental level in which I can explain you these phenomenons and explain to you what's happening inside of us,

But this is very cognitive.

But the real deep inner work has nothing to do with mental concepts,

Is actually deeply connected with our body,

With our emotions,

With our energies in that moment.

It's not so much cognitive work.

And so.

.

.

.

.

.

Away from even talking about these things because it can be like,

This can be something that as a concept we have in our head and this is sometimes hindering us to go deeper with a certain topic because we stay on this cognitive,

Oh yeah,

I know this,

I understand it,

I know I have this pattern.

And this is not it,

Right?

Knowing and knowing is different.

You know,

The knowing I'm speaking about is a knowing in your whole being,

Is a knowing on your deeper emotional level,

Is an integrated knowing that you only have after going there to those difficult places.

And so that's the way of how you can work through this,

Right?

Like to really understand those self-sabotaging patterns and then to go through them and understand how can you work with them.

And what is also like a good way to start to work with them is just recognizing your own triggers,

Right?

Recognize your triggers of what are certain situations in your life when your self-sabotage happens,

Right?

Like what are these patterns in your life that,

You know,

Almost like get you into immediate reaction of a self-sabotaging pattern.

Like to really become crystal clear about those triggers can be a really powerful way to start.

Yeah.

And I,

You know,

What is the role of shadow work in mastering this and working with this?

It's just shadow work is in a way uncovering and confronting and integrating these hidden parts and patterns in ourselves.

And,

You know,

Like because a lot of people think shadow work is something very dark,

But actually it's a way to understand that we have these hidden parts in ourselves.

We call them shadow.

And in integrating them,

That's what shadow work does.

It helps us to understand all these different things that run as a program in the background that we are not even aware of,

But that change literally how we relate to others,

How we live our life,

What we say no or yes to in our life and so on.

So that's,

I think,

A good summary.

So herewith,

I hope I gave you a little bit of insights on self-sabotaging patterns.

I'm super happy to share a little bit more of that with you.

So if you have some questions,

Please share your experience or questions.

And I encourage you for this week to just start by recognizing your own patterns,

Write them down and recognize your own triggers.

Okay.

Thank you so much.

This was really great.

And in the next episode,

We will dive deeper into another self-sabotaging pattern,

Which is the inner critic.

So have a great day.

Reviews

Thank you for this insight although it scary to give your triggers room. Bygiving it space through journaling it makes it more part of who i am and keeps my centred