Welcome.
My name is Michelle Peavey.
Today we're talking about parenting.
The parent I hope to be,
The parent I am,
Finding forgiveness.
Parenting is a heartbreaking endeavor.
It's challenging,
Tiring,
And sometimes there's very little reinforcement for what feels like the hours and heartache we've put forward as parents.
For some of us,
It feels like we can't help but put our hopes,
Dreams,
And expectations on what we think our children should do,
Be,
Become.
When we do that,
What sometimes we then see in our children feels different or even disappointing.
Even if we don't pin our hopes and dreams onto our children,
Sometimes our children,
In a different way,
Seem to represent our own failures,
Our own shortcomings as parents,
As people.
Our children seem to embody what we did wrong as parents.
If I only knew then to be more patient,
They wouldn't seem so unsure of themselves now.
If I only set better limits early,
Then they wouldn't be acting out now.
If I only knew then what I know now.
In this way,
Our children become cues for self-blame,
Like one big trigger.
Our children are a living example of the ways in which we've messed up.
Within the image,
The person of our children contains just one more opportunity to berate ourselves,
To beat ourselves up.
I know this from personal experience,
As well as my clinical experience working with many,
Many parents over the years.
And for many of us,
If we slow the process way,
Way down,
It goes something like this.
First,
I see my child and I see something in them that's distressing for me.
Some behavior I'm seeing or not seeing.
Something they're doing or not doing.
Second,
Worry.
Many of us parents always with the worry.
Then,
Third,
And sometimes this part is hidden,
But that worry leads us to turn worry back in on ourselves,
To question our own parenting,
To berate ourselves.
Somehow drawing the line from my child's behavior to my own inadequacies.
Finally,
Fourth,
What we do with that.
What we do next.
And what we do with that,
Well,
It depends.
Some of us nag our kids,
Become angry,
Yell at them,
Complain at them,
Cry,
Plead for a different behavior on their part.
The possibilities are endless as far as our reactions are concerned.
And this,
This whole process,
This dance we do as parents with our kids,
It happens in the blink of an eye.
Sometimes we don't even know that this process is unfolding until we get to the reaction part.
And that reaction part,
The part where we do the nagging or the getting frustrated or whatever we do that part,
We know that at best it's not helpful.
It doesn't change our child's behavior.
And at worst,
It leaves everyone feeling bad.
Maybe our kids feel confused,
Irritable,
Even fearful.
And it can leave us feeling miserable and hopeless.
So what do we do?
What do we do instead?
I'm going to talk about three possible ways of interacting with this pattern.
Three options about how to upend this dance.
So number one,
Building awareness of this process in the moment.
Noticing that this pattern is happening while it's happening.
That moment when we feel the tension rising,
When we're about to say something sharp,
Or repeat ourselves for the fifth time.
This kind of awareness,
It's not about judgment.
It's not about labeling ourselves.
It's about gently recognizing,
Oh,
I'm doing the thing again.
And that recognition gives us a tiny bit of space.
Number two,
A second way to be different in our patterns of parental self-blame and reaction,
Is to do something different in our relationship.
And we can start now.
Now this may not be appropriate for every relationship,
But for some of you out there,
We can start now by beginning new patterns with our kids.
Do you wish you could have established more closeness with your child when they were young?
Why not start now?
It's never too late to repair or improve relationships.
All right,
Number three,
A third way to interrupt parental self-blame and the destruction it can cause,
Is to pursue a pathway of forgiveness.
To be compassionate to ourselves as parents.
The more we expose ourselves to ideas of self-compassion,
Meditations,
Books,
Podcasts on self-compassion,
The more likely we are to practice self-compassion.
And if we can more frequently adopt the voice of self-compassion,
The more likely we are at pointing that compassion at our children,
Ourselves,
And the world.
All right,
Let's try a short practice of compassion.
And to prepare,
And if you're so inclined,
Take a breath here.
Intentionally inhaling,
And exhaling.
We're going to consider a recent moment in parenting,
An example that's left you feeling overwhelmed,
Disconnected,
Unsure.
We're not going to dive deeply into this memory or relive it,
It's simply using that memory as an anchor for the exercise.
So please take care while you draw this memory to mind.
Now if the memory feels too evocative,
It's okay to choose something else.
But draw that experience to mind,
That experience as a parent,
As a person.
Were you reacted in a way that you didn't intend?
Or you reacted in a way that looking back you see now wasn't effective?
Or you may have been acting out of self-blame,
Fear,
Or guilt.
And in remembering that experience,
Paying attention to your feelings about it.
As you're remembering it,
How does it feel in your body?
What emotions do you identify?
What are the images that arise?
Remembering your breath here.
Exhaling.
Now possibly putting a hand at your heart,
Say louder in your mind a statement of understanding.
What you might say if you were coaching yourself through that moment.
Something like,
I'm in the midst of a challenging moment with my child.
Sometimes it's helpful to get outside ourselves and say,
You're in the midst of a challenging moment.
This is hard.
Parenting is hard.
It's okay to feel this way.
Now offer a statement of kindness,
Compassion,
Forgiveness.
Saying to yourself something like,
You're trying.
You are doing the best you can in this moment.
You are not alone.
Parents the world over struggle.
Parents just like you don't know what to say and don't know what to do.
And you're there right now.
How can you be kind to yourself?
How can you forgive yourself?
In this moment of compassion,
Can you once more find your breath?
Another inhale.
Another exhale.
A few more breaths on your own.
And returning to this moment in time,
This current moment.
Thank yourself for taking the time to do this exercise.
By participating in this exercise,
It means that you are in all likelihood a parent.
And a parent who cares deeply about being a loving parent.
And it really is difficult to parent.
So your efforts and you taking the time,
It means something.
And I wish you the best in this moment and in those difficult moments to come.
Know that you're not alone.
And that sinking into self-criticism will not be useful to your child or for you.
And that it's possible to go a different direction.
Know that you can start with love and connection and forgiveness of yourself.
