Self Compassion Talk including Meditation Practice

This recording starts with a talk about Christopher's struggle with undiagnosed ADHD and how beneficial meditation practice has been to him. It then moves on to a guided meditation which teaches self-compassion that you can do at any time to bring yourself into self-acceptance.

Transcript

Last summer,

I was on my 50th birthday present from my wife.

It was a weekend spa.

It was such a relaxing time.

We got ready for dinner and everything was going so well.

My wife and I rarely argue and for some reason,

When we go away,

Anything that's buried surfaces.

She started criticising me for my untidiness around the house.

She used a word that can trigger me.

She called me lazy.

It triggers me because I know I can be lazy.

I know it's true.

But this time,

Instead of arguing,

I got up and left.

I felt really upset.

I'd reached a point in my life where I realised something wasn't right.

Yes,

I could be lazy.

But I'm also quite driven in the areas I want to make progress in life.

I really dislike being thought of as lazy.

The last thing I want to be is lazy.

So why am I victim to this?

Even with all this mindfulness practice,

I still struggle to get my brain to do what it refuses to do.

If it doesn't want to do it,

I don't get much say in it sometimes unless my practice is very strong.

I was listening at the time to an audiobook by Gabor Maté.

It's called Scattered Minds.

So I left,

My wife sitting at the table.

And I went and I sat alone by a water fountain surrounded by plants.

It was a beautiful summer evening.

I was deeply sad.

I'd reached a point.

I was thinking,

What is wrong with me?

Why am I so productive in some areas and a hopeless mess in others?

Am I always going to be this way?

I thought I would have grown out of this by now,

Especially with all this practice,

All this work on myself.

Then the penny dropped.

This is poor executive function.

I have ADHD.

It was so well hidden because I've done so much practice that meditation was concealing most of the symptoms.

My wife caught up with me.

She apologized and I said,

Don't worry.

I know what the problem is.

I've wiped it out.

I told her,

I think I have ADHD.

She disagreed.

That's fine,

We agreed to disagree,

I said.

The next morning I was listening to the audiobook,

Scattered Minds,

And Gabor Mate gave off a checklist of symptoms.

He too,

By the way,

Was diagnosed late in life.

So I played this symptom list to my wife and I said,

Does this sound like me?

OMG,

She said,

That is you exactly.

I then took three or four online tests,

All of which confirmed I had ADHD and not a mild case either.

I was pretty off the charts.

She melted a little because she now understood my struggle.

We also then realised it was our daughter's problem also,

A problem that we've tried so hard to solve but to no avail.

Apparently it's more difficult to spot in females.

Everything started making sense.

I now had a reason,

Not an excuse,

A reason for why I operated the way I did in the world.

Would I now let myself off the hook?

No,

But I could be much kinder to myself for all these battles I'd endured in my life.

Battles I might add,

Which led me so deeply into meditation.

I'd self-cured 95% of the problem.

I felt this rush of love for myself,

A new understanding,

New hope.

Self-compassion is a relatively new concept here in the West.

Previously you've heard self-esteem,

Which according to researcher on the subject,

Christine Neff,

Depends on us raising ourselves above others in order to find worthiness.

This is obviously fragile because if our self-worth is based on our position in the world being above others,

It's a house of cards just waiting to be blown over.

We're not always going to be on top.

Every champion's toppled eventually.

So self-compassion is more a case of loving ourselves irrespective of external opinions and conditions.

It's something we can build on,

Whatever the weather.

This internal kindness,

Which builds us up in a healthy way,

Means we drop the harsh self-judgment and instead treat ourselves with care and understanding.

It means we actively soothe,

Comfort,

Support and protect ourselves when we find ourselves struggling.

And as we're doing this,

We're also cultivating the desire to be free from mental suffering,

Which is a wholesome desire.

So when you get caught up in self-judgment,

Ask yourself,

Would I be saying this to a good friend in their time of stress,

Doubt or worry?

You mess everything up.

They don't like you.

You look so ugly.

Would you?

If you said these things,

I doubt you'd be friends for very long.

And imagine if you did,

How much it would break them.

When we speak to ourselves like this,

We are destroying ourselves worse than any enemy dare say.

It's simply not acceptable to speak like this,

Even to someone you really dislike.

Yet we have no problem saying it to ourselves.

You'll never get it right.

You look terrible.

Imagine if we could speak to ourselves instead like a loving,

Supportive friend.

We could say something like,

You don't mess everything up.

You have a college degree.

Look how well you did.

Or OK,

So you've gained a few unwanted pans.

So what?

You don't look any different to me.

You have a beautiful smile and besides,

You have options if it really bothers you.

You can start small and take up an exercise class and enjoy getting fit.

You might also make new friends in the class who motivate you.

So imagine if we spoke to ourselves that way.

We become our own best friend instead of putting ourselves down.

We pick ourselves up.

Now Kristin Neff has a three-part process to deal with this.

So let's practice.

Let's practice it now.

Close your eyes if you can and if not no problem,

You can still do this with your eyes open.

Feel a few breaths.

Feel a rise and an unfalling of the breath.

And place your hands on your hearts and see if that feels soothing.

If you don't like that,

If it doesn't resonate with you,

You can place a strong fist at the chest and then cover that with a hand.

Whichever physical gesture works for you.

And we'll use this again later in the meditation.

Now see if you can think of a real situation in your life that is causing you to struggle.

Not too much.

We can build up to that later.

A little struggle.

Something recent if you have it.

Call that situation into your mind now.

He said this,

She said that,

I'm this,

I'm no good at that.

Whatever it is,

Bring it all into the present moment here now.

Now we say three phrases which are the components of self-compassion.

We first catch the process of critical self-judgments and acknowledge our difficulties.

So we say to ourselves,

I'm struggling here.

Acknowledge that struggle.

Say to yourself,

I'm struggling here.

Or something similar that resonates.

This is a moment of suffering.

See it clearly.

See that you're suffering.

This is a moment of suffering.

Just repeat whichever you've chosen.

Let it go in deep,

Really deep,

And mean it.

Hey,

I'm struggling here.

So we're acknowledging the struggle.

Now say,

This is normal to feel this way.

It's a part of life as a human being.

I share this struggle with all of humanity.

We all feel this way in life,

Sometimes.

This is normal to feel this way.

It's a part of life as a human being.

I share this struggle with all of humanity.

We all feel this way.

And now we can put our hand on our heart or wherever feels right for us.

And we say,

May I be kind to myself.

So repeat that.

May I be kind to myself.

And now we ask ourselves,

What do I need right now?

So we're looking at that deeper wisdom.

We're pulling it forth.

We're seeing what we need.

What do I need right now?

And see what answer comes.

The answer might be,

I need to accept that sometimes I will make a mistake.

And if it's that,

We can formulate a phrase in that moment that we say from the heart,

May I see that everyone makes mistakes.

That's normal.

They pass.

I can grow from this.

So whatever your phrase is for your particular problem,

Difficulty,

Frame it in that light.

May I see that everyone makes mistakes.

Everyone says things they didn't wish they'd said.

That's normal.

They pass.

I can grow from this.

Okay,

You can now come back to wherever you are and open your eyes.

We can rephrase any negative self-talk as if speaking to a dear friend.

Check the language you're using and sincerely ask yourself,

Would I say this to a dear friend in need?

All the time we're doing this,

We're becoming more aware of what is happening and starting the process of self-compassion.

We don't drop into self-pity as that can worsen our problem.

Instead,

See that the nature of life quite often is a struggle and that's okay.

It can be an enormous weight off our shoulders to see that struggle is normal,

Is part of being alive.

Instead of seeing this as negative,

We can see if we can reframe that struggle in the same way that an athlete reframes the burn,

Not as pain but as a welcome sign of growth occurring.

You've heard,

No pain,

No gain,

But I prefer no struggle,

No strength.

And that's what self-compassion builds in us,

Not weakness as a macho attitude might have you believe.

We're not going to turn into pushovers.

We work with the struggle and with the struggle we create strength.

Real solid inner strength that says,

This is hard but I can grow from this.

Life is always teaching me,

If I'm kind to myself I can overcome all unnecessary pain.

All unnecessary emotional pain,

Should I say.

Thank you for listening.

Reviews

For many years I said the worst things to myself. During therapy my therapist read back to me all the things I'd said about myself. It was awful. No one teaches us to be kind to ourselves, only to be kind to others. And now as a mother I make sure my children know that it is important to question the things we say to ourselves and to make sure we speak internally as we would speak to each other. Kindness is so important.
This talk was the perfect reminder for me today. Thank you Chris 🙏

Amazing work Chris ! You are an amazing teacher 😉