Befriending The Inner Critic - Talk

This is a guided contemplation practice helping you on how to embrace, explore and encounter the critical self. It is like an instruction for drinking a cup of tea with the monster. Learning the art of offering and serving 'tea' to the inner critic is a radical way of being with something that makes you feel trapped.

*** Do this practice only if you feel stable and in a relatively good mood. Sometimes it helps just to listen to it, before the practice.

Transcript

So what about self-criticism?

Would it be possible actually to ponder or contemplate on the possibility that self-criticism is perhaps serving a purpose?

Rather than just treating it negatively and pushing it away and being affected by it is there any possibility that it is actually serving?

Serving us with an intention?

Maybe even,

And that could be quite radical,

Maybe even to ensure our emotional safety.

So when we practice mindfulness and integrating mindfulness,

Not practicing it only in a formal way but also in an informal way and even beyond integrating and cultivating it towards the attitude and this way of being,

Of accepting whatever is arising in each and every moment,

So all aspects of ourselves but also the moment.

But in that we often struggle with that part that actually is too hard that we don't want to accept,

That is causing us so much pain and that is called the inner critic.

So the inner critic causes us one of the biggest pain that we are experiencing and of course anything and everything that is causing us pain we want to get rid of it,

Don't we?

We really don't want to feel that anymore.

So what we are getting engaged is then in a behaviour or in an attempt to make it go away.

And to make it go away we have developed all sorts of schemas and mechanism and behaviours and reactivity to make it go away.

Work harder,

Distract ourselves,

Not often in a very healthy way.

Keep going,

Keep busy,

Not thinking about it,

Forcing ourselves to not think about it.

Getting engaged in risky or unhealthy behaviour,

Avoiding scenarios,

Withdrawing from it to avoid that inner critic or self-criticism would occur.

So that's resulting in missing out on connection,

Maybe feeding,

A tendency to feel anxious in social context.

Having an impact on our focus and concentration and really keeps us in the loop.

So we have that good intention to live a good life and to not have the inner critic present for that because everyone tells us the inner critic is not good for us.

And we believe this enough,

Of course it is very harsh,

It's beating us up inside and no one wants to live as an inner critic.

But have you noticed that the more you fight against it,

The more you avoid it or fight against it,

The louder it gets,

The more powerful it gets,

The more in charge it is.

And it may work in a shorter term or a frame to distract yourself so much that the inner critic is sort of quietening down or if you're even following whatever the inner critic is telling you.

But you also perhaps have experience,

Actually it comes back.

And sometimes when it comes back it's even stronger and harsher.

So what would happen if we take a different look at that inner critic?

What would happen if we simply assume that self-criticism has a good purpose?

Maybe even going that far to say self-criticism wants to increase our sense of well-being.

Maybe the mind is screaming right now,

So that's outrageous,

Never heard of it.

Well,

If you are open to it,

What would happen if you just allow yourself some time to actually contemplate.

Contemplate,

Ok,

What is the self-criticism about,

What is it serving?

What if there is a value in it?

Is there a function?

So that is something that you may want to consider.

Is there maybe a function that it wants to motivate,

It's motivating us to accomplish,

To achieve,

To improve things?

Maybe even it has the intention that it's coming up to prevent further criticism.

So that once you believe it,

Once you listen to it,

That it does not have to come up again.

So could that be a motivation?

Another intention could be perhaps just,

Ok,

So how about I just let go of my high expectations to be perfect,

Or wanting to be perfect,

Because if I am letting go of it,

If I am ignoring and accepting that,

Then I may not disappoint myself anymore,

So I am out of this loop.

And maybe even following that sort of inner critic and sort of whatever it tells us to do,

It may make others feel better.

It's not about us,

But it makes others feel better,

So they then in consequence maybe like us more.

These are all beliefs in our head,

Right,

So there is no evidence for it,

But if you allow yourself to really take some time and space,

And say ok,

So when this is popping up,

What is this actually about,

What does it want to say,

And is this even possible,

The self-criticism or the inner critic is showing up,

As an attempt to protect myself,

To protect myself from whatever is perceived as dangerous,

Or threatening,

With the intention to keep myself safe.

So that will be interesting to take a look at.

And as you are taking a look at and discovering maybe an underlying intention or purpose of it,

For the good,

Really seeing that it may actually want to serve us in a good way,

And increase our sense of well-being,

What is then that is causing concern?

Is that possibly the way it comes out?

So the inner critic may have a good intention,

But is really struggling to word it,

To express it.

So that it can be accepted,

That it can be considered.

So sometimes listen to it,

What is the tone of the critical voice?

Is it harsh?

Is it angry?

Is it judgmental?

And if just the tone,

Ah you are not good enough,

You should put your stuff together,

You should just get this assignment done and write,

Compared to,

Oh well,

This is something that really matters.

And I really want you to get this assignment done.

Maybe take a moment,

What could help you to get it done?

That is very different,

It is a different tone,

And it is maybe differently expressed even.

I know this is quite radical and for many of us,

You know,

Self-criticism is,

We think it is not serving us any purpose.

So you might notice a protest,

And that is okay.

That is okay.

Because we have internalized this inner critic,

The voice,

The self-criticism from very early on.

It comes from our childhood.

And some of us,

Many of us have experienced living up,

Growing up with people,

Parents,

Caregivers,

That we are abusive or neglectful.

And often telling us,

You are a loser,

No one loves you,

You are not good enough,

It is all your mistake.

And the more we hear these messages as we are growing up as a little one,

As a little child,

We start to believe it.

So it fastens inside.

We internalize the messages.

Nevertheless,

As an adult now,

It perhaps is possible to open up and take a different look.

First of all,

Understand where this is coming from and what the intention is about.

And take a different look right now and kind of disrupting the pattern,

Disrupting the way you react to the inner critic.

Even breaking that invisible contract,

This is what the people in my office have compassion always say,

Breaking,

I am just quoting here,

Breaking an invisible contract with your abusive caregivers when you start being kind to yourself.

And when you begin to consider yourself worthy of kindness.

So this is really important to embrace.

And I am quoting or reciting here,

Sometimes it is like breaking an invisible contract with your abusive caregiver when you start being kind to yourself,

When you begin to consider yourself worthy of kindness.

So this is,

Well that is Christian Neff or Chris Germa,

Two of them have developed the Mindful Self-Compassion course.

I really like this quote.

Nevertheless,

Not everyone has a harsh inner critic.

So we also have to acknowledge that often we find ourselves experiencing doubt,

Doubting ourselves.

And maybe often there is a sense of insecurity that is sort of feeding the self-doubt.

And sometimes we don't even recognize it.

We don't even recognize that there is a critical voice.

Sometimes we just feel it,

There is no words to it,

But there is a felt,

A physical or emotional sense to it.

And in the mind,

So in the landscape of thoughts and beliefs and critical comments and judgments,

We may just not notice that.

But once we are open to it and once we actually embrace it this way rather than fighting it,

Just inviting it even in.

And getting curious and perhaps bringing a playful way of attending to it and exploring it that way would be interesting what happens if you meet the inner critic with curiosity,

Playfulness,

Trust and faith.

And really to get to know it and really to get beyond that outer,

Sort of that deeper level of the intention,

The purpose of it.

So what could be on top of this particular way of being or relating,

Responding to the inner critic,

What else could be helpful is developing this inner compassionate voice.

That too motivates us,

Right?

And can change our behaviour.

So even if the tone of the voice is softer,

There is still a motivation,

There is still an intention to feel better,

To accomplish,

To achieve,

To be alright,

But it's expressed and felt differently.

And this is something we have not learned because we are so stuck in this experience to simply survive the inner critic that is having its roots in our childhood often or the self-doubt or the disappointment.

So what is the answer?

What's the response?

The inner compassionate voice,

Something that can be developed.

And for this I'm just offering you a guided exercise to contemplate this a little bit more.

So if it feels right you can just stop that right now,

This talk,

And just come back later if you want to do this exercise.

We are now into this talk about 16 minutes so you perhaps want to press play at minute 16 to just do the exercise.

Maybe first of all just pondering on that intro talk about the self-compassion,

The self-criticism and the different way of meeting the inner critic.

So if you are feeling ready,

Maybe it's helpful to take a piece of paper and a pen.

And if it feels alright and if you are really in that mood you would only do this exercise if you feel receptive,

Open,

Calm,

Relaxed.

Not if you are in a high stressed emotional mood then take skillful and wise action,

Do a bit of mindfulness practice or movement practice or whatever helps you to calm the nervous system and the mind and when you then feel ready to do this exercise go ahead or you might be already in that space.

So allow yourself to open up and think about something that you would like to change.

Something that is coming up and kind of surfacing or bubbling up quite frequently and it's causing you a sense of self-doubt or even feeling criticized by the inner critic.

So choose a behaviour that is actually really happening in your life right now but don't choose something that is 100% distressing.

So really taking good care in what type of scenario are you choosing.

Maybe criticizing yourself for I procrastinate for example or I am not assertive enough or something like that.

So just allow yourself a moment to write down something that you would like to change.

And something that you would like to change that you normally try to change through this inner voice that is so strong,

So harsh,

Critical,

Doubting,

Sceptical.

So writing that down and writing down the problems this behaviour for example I am procrastinating is causing you or whatever other problem you have identified.

If you need a little bit more time maybe just press the pause button of this track and take all time you need to write down the behaviour but also the problem this behaviour is causing you.

And whenever you have identified that maybe anchor yourself in the breath as well if you are noticing there is some arousal happening and then you can just press play again for the next instruction.

Ok by now you might have found that behaviour just writing down really take a light touch it is really exploring this different way of relating to the inner critical voice and developing a compassionate voice.

So please now write down what or how do you typically react to yourself when you find yourself doing this behaviour.

So for example I am procrastinating if that is the behaviour that you are not happy with and that is causing you this inner critical talk.

Write down how when this happens how do you react to yourself.

What is the inner critic,

What is the self doubt,

What is this voice inside saying,

What are the unkind words if they are any made of.

What are these words,

Are there any unkind words.

Or is there a tone of a voice that is harsh and strong.

Remember that is what I said at the beginning,

Sometimes it is all in the tone of the voice.

And sometimes I also mentioned this at the very beginning,

Sometimes we don't even can put a finger on it,

We can't even say that there are words at all.

But there is some felt sense inside,

Some sensations that can be felt.

Maybe a sense of disappointment or a sensation inside the body or a physical posture.

It is really about how does that sort of critical attitude or part inside you expresses itself for you through words,

Through the tone of the voice,

Through sensations.

Writing that down.

And if you need a little bit more time just pause the track again.

Whenever you finish just writing this down then you just start play again.

And taking note of what it feels like to embrace this,

Allow yourself to pause,

To anchor in the mind,

The fullness of the breath,

Doing some slow movement.

Whatever helps you calming if you are noticing there is some reaction right now.

Please allow yourself to attend to it first before you are going ahead in this exercise.

So this is all about the critical voice inside.

And let's shift the focus of attention.

Let's now take a different view and let's get in touch first of all with a part yourself that feels criticized.

So really take a moment what this feels like,

This message that you receive,

The impact on you.

So really feeling it.

Feeling that message.

Feeling the impact of it.

Maybe you are scanning your body,

Maybe you feel it somewhere in the body.

And allowing yourself as you are feeling it to bring in some self compassion.

Just simply acknowledging this is a tough time.

Right now this is really something that hurts.

It's difficult,

It's hard.

So just acknowledging this too.

Maybe words would feel right or maybe even breathing into that part that is hurting right now.

And when you feel ready you can conclude here and you can finish here and just anchor yourself on the breath.

Or you can go further and you can now again renewing this attitude of interest and curiosity that you want to bring towards your inner critic.

And allowing yourself a moment to ponder on it or contemplate or reflect why this criticism has gone on for so long.

Is it trying to protect you in some way?

Trying to keep yourself from something that is dangerous?

Even if the outcome is not the one that is very healthy or helpful or unproductive,

Just again going back to this original intention.

So how does the inner critic motivate you?

Writing that down.

So really meeting it,

Writing it down.

Okay,

If you need a little bit more time just press stop of this track and then start again whenever you feel ready to take the next step.

So if you cannot find a way to,

If you cannot find a purpose or intention,

If that does not make sense,

You cannot find that there is a purpose that the inner critic is trying to help you even.

Because sometimes there is no redeeming value or it is so internalised,

Just continue giving yourself compassion for how you have suffered from the self-criticism for so long and in the past.

If you though identify a reason,

A purpose,

A motivation that the inner critic has for you,

Would it be possible to acknowledge its effort?

This is really a different way of looking at it.

So as you are embracing it,

As you are meeting the inner critic with curiosity,

With some time and reflection to really give it space to hear beyond,

To maybe even identify the purpose and the intention,

If you identify there is something that tries you to keep safe indeed,

Would it be possible to acknowledge its efforts?

And if so,

Maybe allowing yourself to find the words,

What would you like to say to your inner critic?

Writing down a few words of thanks.

Letting the inner critic know that even though it is actually not serving you,

Let it know that you are aware that its intentions have a true motivating nature or are good and it wants to do its best.

Would that be possible?

If not,

Then just skip it and just maybe return to this exercise a little bit later and meet it again.

It's really this gradual way of meeting the inner critic in this particular way.

This is not easy work.

So really allow yourself space and time.

If you think this is outrageous,

Just noticing that,

Then perhaps just allowing yourself to ground,

To accept,

Yes indeed,

This is outrageous,

This feels tough.

And perhaps whatever is helping you,

Anchoring,

Breathing,

Moving,

Sorts of the feet,

Butterfly hugs,

Some tapping.

Please do that now.

And maybe pausing or concluding here.

Or if you like,

Going ahead.

So going ahead to actually connect with the compassionate voice inside you.

Something that's not really developed.

So because you have given that inner critic or the critical voice some space and listening to it,

You also want to explore giving some space to the other side of it,

The other voice,

The inner compassionate voice,

Your inner compassionate voice.

This inner compassionate voice is of true nature.

It has no conditions.

It loves you no matter.

It is wise.

It is clear minded.

And it also knows how this behavior you criticize yourself for,

For example,

Procrastinating is creating problems in your life.

So the compassionate voice knows this all.

And it also knows how this is causing you harm,

It knows how the inner critic is causing you harm.

Nevertheless,

The inner compassionate voice also wants you to change,

But for a different reason.

So if you feel ready,

Perhaps closing your eyes right now,

Putting your hands over your heart.

And just as you're putting the hand over the heart or the chest or whatever other part of the body feels right,

Feeling that sort of sense of touch and maybe the warmth that is generated through this touch,

Really feeling this connection and allowing that compassionate,

Kind side inside yourself to emerge.

Maybe there's just a warm feeling,

Maybe there's an image coming up,

Maybe it's just a posture,

Whatever it is,

Just feeling it and letting it emerge.

And now allowing yourself to attend to this behavior of concern that you've chosen for this activity that you're struggling with.

And as I said,

You know,

Your inner compassionate voice or self also wants you to try to make a change.

Not because there's any condition,

Not because you're unacceptable if you can't change.

It just wants the best for you.

So maybe a few phrases could capture the essence of your compassionate voice.

It may say,

Well,

I really,

Really care for you.

I deeply care for you.

I deeply care about you.

And this is why I really would like to support you in making a change.

Oh,

You know what,

I really deeply care about you and I don't want you to suffer anymore.

I really want to support you.

So feeling this,

Hearing this the best you can,

Maybe even bringing an image of a person that is deeply caring about you to mind.

That is actually really a person that is representing compassion.

If that's sort of easier for you rather than hearing that inner compassionate voice,

Imagining a person that is deeply caring for you,

That is wise and seeing clearly what would this person say to you right now?

And if you like you can sort of open your eyes and write down what you're noticing right now,

What's emerging from this compassionate connection,

Touch or compassionate voice or even from that person that comes to mind that deeply cares about you,

That loves you no matter,

That doesn't create any condition.

That also wants you to not suffer and that also wants you to make a change.

What words do you need to hear to make a change?

So again you can press the pause button here to really take a little bit of time to consider what is it that you need to hear.

And so if you don't find any particular words,

Maybe whatever is sort of bubbling up right now from the bottom of your heart.

When you speak to a friend,

To a dear friend who is suffering,

What would you say to them?

A friend maybe that has a very similar behaviour they are not happy about,

What would you say to them?

So writing that down and allowing yourself as much time as needed to do to write this down,

You can even write this down whatever you want to say or hear,

Addressing to yourself as a kind of a letter.

You can even draw it if you want.

And once you've finished with the writing,

Perhaps taking a look at it,

Reading it,

Really taking it and savouring it and noticing what it feels like to hear it that way,

To feel it that way,

To sense it that way.

And to be really honest if this is too tough,

If there is nothing you can connect with right now,

This is actually quite common because we are just not used to let this compassionate voice emerge,

To give it some words,

To give it a gesture,

To let it express itself.

So this takes time and the good thing is you can revisit,

You can return tomorrow,

Do it again,

Bits and pieces of it,

Just feeling it or writing it or drawing it,

Just getting in touch with it for a moment,

Let it emerge,

Hear it.

Remembering it also wants you to change and if you don't change it still loves you.

The way it's expressing and encouraging you to change is wise,

Clear,

Kind,

Friendly.

The tone is different,

Soft,

Quieter.

Good luck with your practice and remember this is work in progress.