Trauma And Disconnection

This poem describes what it feels like to disconnect from who you are as a result of a traumatic childhood. It allows you to acknowledge your experience as real and feel the doubts and emotions it generates. I have purposely left out a positive resolution at the end, which some may find uncomfortable. As Jane Hirshfield said, 'There are times when even the thought of a solution insults the actual and irreversible truths of a life.' 

The sense of confusion surrounding a traumatic experience is one of the hardest aspects to navigate. Articulating the experience in words and listening to another person's description are soothing in and of themselves.

Transcript

It is a crime for you to live disconnected from yourself,

Disconnected from your feelings,

Disconnected from your purpose.

To live a life that's not yours,

To walk a path that's not yours,

And you still can't make them happy.

You still can't feel a sense of belonging from them,

Nor belonging to them.

But you don't blame them,

Because you don't know who you are,

To know what you want,

To know which job to apply to,

Which relationship to invest in,

Which goal to aspire to.

You don't even trust your own opinion,

Your feelings,

Your intuition,

For you to realize what you're deserving of,

What you're entitled to,

What's right for you,

For you to draw your boundaries,

To value yourself,

Your energy,

Your time,

And say,

No,

I don't want this,

It doesn't align.

Your standards are confused and distorted.

Your source of love,

Compassion,

And forgiveness was filled with abuse,

Neglect,

Or injustice,

And you don't know how to distinguish between them.

They're all kind of the same thing.

So you walk through life questioning everything.

When you're in pain,

You question whether you have the right to be in pain,

Whether your interpretation of the situation is wrong because you're too sensitive or messed up,

Blinded by your past,

Deluded,

Insane,

Or whether you are being wronged and you should not accept it,

But you do accept it because you just never learned how to love yourself,

Nor how to express yourself,

Because when you did,

They ridiculed you and punished you for making them feel guilty for doing wrong by you,

Or whether you are being wronged and you should accept it and you do accept it because you deserve it,

And what you've been made to believe about yourself all along is true.

It's your fault.

It's you.

So you begin to waive your rights.

You begin to waive your truth.

You disconnect from yourself because you say,

It's too painful to be myself.

Reviews

Powerful. I related to every single word of this so deeply..

Very emotional hit the spot that needed to be hit. Thank you for the real awakening 🙏🌻💓

I can relate to this in a big way. I will get better. Ty
🙏🏽👼🏽🙏👼🙏🏻👼🏻♥️✨️

The last phrase, “It’s too painful to be myself.” hit me close to home. My challenge is to explore myself and love myself. I want to hear this audio again soon.

So, so glad I found your poems/ meditations on here. Incredibly deep & not what I tend to find on this app. I needed these reminders/permission to dive back into the dark, more shadowy aspects of what I’m going through. So thank you 🙏🏽✨

Thought provoking, and a depth of thought rarely found 🙏

Hard truth

It's amazing how you find the exact words for this bullshit. Thank you at least I don't feel so alone anymore. At the moment at a point where I don't know anything.. There is nothing left to hold on to and I cannot trust myself.. What is me.. What are my boundaries.. What's the trauma response.. What do I want... I am tired of this and I pray for miracles for all of us 🙏❤️

So much painful truth. It ended quite abruptly; the story of my life like an egg being dropped on the floor. Powerful.

Again your words are welcome and blessings that speak to the innermost essence.

Absolutely related to every word she said here. If you have been traumatized from toxic abusive relationships since childhood and feel alone, alienated and in need of a little validation please listen to this short message. You will leave it with a feeling of being understood and a since of hopefulness that you probablyhaven't felt in years. I want to thank the writer for sharing her authentic truth and her experiences through her emotions. So comforting to know your not alone. Thank you so much for sharing. I look forward to hearing much more from this mentor.

This is exactly how I feel 😔 nobody seems to understand and here you are describing it word by word.
I have been practicing self love for 2 years now but this deep pain keeps coming back with very specific triggers. I am learning to deal with it.. but it's good to know you really do understand.

Stellar explanation of the inner experience of abuse and how it becomes a pattern in our lives. Explains why any version of “why didn’t she leave?” misses the point. ❤️

Wow!

Perfectly chosen words and language.
Beautifully delivered with love.
Authentically released to comfort the wounded.
Gently guided me right into my heart space which is exactly where I’ve been needing to be but avoiding to go.
Thank you so much for this small yet profound piece of healing! 🙏🏼🕊💛

That’s exactly it! You have put into words how I’ve experienced life for the past 57 years. It’s truly unbearable especially this past year. I DONT KNOW WHO I AM. I am labeled a Chamaeleon a CODEPENDANT and indecisive.

I want to trust myself and I want to experience more than pain. To love myself fully and to BE SEEN AS A strong woman. Not as a victim. That word cuts me to the core. I don’t want pitty 😔.

I just want to be normal (what ever that is). To have interests and know what I like. To know who the hell I am. To stop the senseless suffering already. And to start trusting myself and enjoy life.

I’ve been fighting for my life since I was 15 when I first had thoughts of not being in this world any longer. Jaded by religious teachings that instilled so much fear that I was convinced I was never going to be good enough.

I was stupid, a whore, too sensitive, a cry baby. Violated and abused time after time. Always forgiving and wanting to see the best in everyone.

I so need to heal my inner child. To grow up! To feel comfortable in my own skin. To articulate my thoughts & feelings. To feel excitement, to laugh till I cry. To love unconditionally.

I thought I had been showing unconditional love by always being available and taking care of others problems, and forgiving. But if I don’t fully love myself then what have I been giving away all these years?

I deserve self respect, to be alive, to love myself. To understand personal boundaries. To put myself first. To know where I belong and to know what my purpose is supposed to be.

I want to know success and to feel it. I want to heal, so I can help others in healthy ways. To give compassion, empathy, kindness, and love. To financially help those in need.

this is going to sound silly but you just spoke about me. 😥

Wow. I'm lost for words. These words are unbelievabley spot on

Thank you for putting words to my experience. 🙏🏻

I was a child again as I listened. Thank you for affirming that it was real, no matter how much they call me crazy.