You know,
A lot of what keeps us stuck in patterns of conflict and makes conflict go really badly is when we say,
I can't do anything about it.
It's because of the way they're acting.
Now,
There's some truth in that.
We can't control the way another person acts.
And the way another person acts is never our responsibility.
Even if we're doing something terrible to them,
That they're responding in a way that we might think is reasonable,
A person's behavior is their own responsibility.
This is true also for us.
When someone is behaving badly,
It's less useful to say it's their fault and more useful to say,
What is my responsibility here?
And what can I accomplish here?
And one thing we can always accomplish is at least putting our best effort into controlling our own behavior.
This helps in a few different ways.
One way is that when we control our own behavior,
Which means choosing our behavior,
We can choose any behavior we wish.
And we can also choose not to work so hard on controlling our behavior.
When another person is behaving badly,
We can choose to let them have it in response.
Sometimes that is the thing we'll think is best to do,
And that is valid.
But if we choose to control ourselves and choose to think,
Then we're going to feel better about our response.
Often,
The one-way conflict makes us feel terrible is that underneath,
We're very angry.
We know about our anger at the other person,
But underneath,
We're very angry at ourselves.
We're feeling perhaps ashamed or guilty or just uncomfortable with how we acted.
We wish we could have done something.
Sometimes we can't.
Often,
No matter how we behave,
The other person will continue to act how they act.
But we can affect them by staying calm if we choose to and choosing our response.
And this will help us come out of the conflict,
Come out of the feelings more easily,
Go on with our day rather than having the conflict mess up our whole day or get us off track emotionally or get us off track from our tasks for the rest of the day.
So again,
Another person's behavior is not your fault and not your responsibility,
But your own behavior is.
And managing your own behavior and learning tools that will allow you to hold on to your inner wisdom and choose your behavior during conflict will help you to go on with your day to possibly improve your relationship and bring that strength and that clarity into the rest of your life.
