Diary Of A Nobody, Chapters 13 And 14

Relax and nod off listening to this gently comic tale of life in Victorian London as seen through the eyes of hardworking office lickspittle Mr Charles Pooter. If you've listened to previous episodes, welcome back! It is lovely to have you here. If not, please feel free to join us - all episodes can be enjoyed independently.

Transcript

Hello,

Mandy here again.

Thanks so much for joining me to hear chapters 13 and 14 of The Diary of a Nobody.

It's a gently comic novel and was written in 1888 by the brothers Charles and Weedon Grossmith.

Please feel free to make yourself really comfortable as we settle down to catch up with this disarmingly honest tale of Victorian life in London as seen through the diary of Mr Charles Pooter.

Chapter 13.

I am a poor man,

But I would gladly give ten shillings to find out who sent me the insulting Christmas card I received this morning.

I never insult people.

Why should they insult me?

The worst part of the transaction is that I find myself suspecting all my friends.

The handwriting on the envelope is evidently disguised,

Being written sloping the wrong way.

I can't think either Gowing or Cummings would do such a mean thing.

Lupin denied all knowledge of it and I believe him,

Though I do disapprove of his laughing and sympathising with the offender.

Mr Franching would be above such an act and I don't think any of the muttlers would descend to such a cause.

I wonder if Pitt,

That impudent clerk at the office,

Did it?

Or Mrs Birrell,

The charwoman?

Or Berwyn Fosselton?

Perhaps the writing is too good for the former.

Christmas Day.

We caught the 10.

20 train at Paddington and spent a pleasant day at Carrie's mother's.

The country was quite nice and pleasant,

Although the roads were sloppy.

We dined in the middle of the day,

Just ten of us,

And talked over old times.

If everybody had a nice,

Uninterfering mother-in-law,

Such as I have,

What a deal of happiness there would be in the world.

Being all in good spirits,

I proposed her health and I made,

I think,

A very good speech.

I concluded it rather neatly by saying,

On an occasion like this,

Whether relatives,

Friends or acquaintances,

We are all inspired with good feelings towards each other.

We are of one mind and think only of love and friendship.

Those who have quarrelled with absent friends should kiss and make up.

Those who happily have not fallen out can kiss all the same.

I saw tears in the eyes of both Carrie and her mother and,

I must say,

I felt very flattered by this compliment.

That dear old Reverend John Pansy Smith,

Who married us,

Made a most cheerful and amusing speech and said he should act on my suggestion,

Respecting the kissing.

He then walked round the table and kissed all the ladies,

Including Carrie.

Of course,

One didn't object to this,

But I was more than staggered when a young fellow named Moss,

Who was a stranger to me and who had scarcely spoken a word through dinner,

Jumped up suddenly with a sprig of mistletoe and exclaimed,

Hello,

I don't see why I shouldn't be on in this scene.

Before one could realise what he was about to do,

He kissed Carrie and the rest of the ladies.

Fortunately,

The matter was treated as a joke and we all laughed,

But it was a dangerous experiment and I felt very uneasy for a moment as to the result.

I subsequently referred to the matter to Carrie,

But she said,

Oh,

He's not much more than a boy.

I said he had a very large moustache for a boy.

Carrie replied,

I didn't say he was not a nice boy.

December the 26th.

I didn't sleep well last night.

I never do in a strange bed.

I feel a little indigestion,

Which one must expect at this time of year.

Carrie and I returned to town in the evening.

Lupin came in late.

He said he enjoyed his Christmas and added,

I feel as fit as a Lowther Arcade fiddle and only require a little more oomph to feel as fit as a £500 Stradivarius.

I have long since given up trying to understand Lupin's slang or asking him to explain it.

December the 27th.

I told Lupin I was expecting Gowing and Cummings to drop in tomorrow evening for a quiet game.

I was in hope the boy would volunteer to stay in and help amuse them.

Instead of which he said,

Oh,

You'd better put them off as I have asked Daisy and Frank Muttler to come.

I said I couldn't think of doing such a thing.

Lupin said,

Then I will send a wire and put off Daisy.

I suggested that a postcard or letter would reach her quite soon enough and would not be so extravagant.

Carrie,

Who had listened to the above conversation with apparent annoyance,

Directed a well-aimed shaft at Lupin.

She said,

Lupin,

Why do you object to Daisy meeting your father's friends?

Is it because they're not good enough for her or which is equally possible that she is not good enough for them?

Lupin was dumbfounded and could make no reply.

When he left the room,

I gave Carrie a kiss of approval.

December the 28th.

Lupin,

On coming down to breakfast,

Said to his mother,

I have not put off Daisy and Frank and should like them to join Gowing and Cummings this evening.

I felt very pleased with the boy for this.

Carrie said in reply,

I am glad you let me know in time as I can turn over the cold leg of mutton,

Dress it with a little parsley and no one will know it has been cut.

She further said she would make a few custards and stew some pippins so that they would be cold by the evening.

Finding Lupin in good spirits,

I asked him quietly if he really had any personal objection to either Gowing or Cummings.

He replied,

Not in the least.

I think Cummings looks rather an ass,

But that is partly due to his patronising the three and six one price hat company and wearing a reach-me-down frock coat.

And as for that perpetual brown velveteen jacket of Gowing's,

Why,

He resembles an itinerant photographer.

I said it wasn't the coat that made the gentleman,

Whereupon Lupin,

With a laugh,

Replied,

No,

And it wasn't much of a gentleman who made their coats.

We were all rather jolly at supper and Daisy made herself very agreeable,

Especially in the earlier part of the evening when she sang.

At supper,

However,

She said,

Can you make Tito Tums with bread?

And she commenced rolling up pieces of bread and twisting them round on the table.

I felt this to be bad manners,

But of course said nothing.

Presently,

Daisy and Lupin,

To my disgust,

Began throwing bread pills at each other.

Frank followed suit,

And so did Cummings and Gowing,

To my astonishment.

They then commenced throwing hard pieces of crust,

One piece catching me on the forehead and making me blink.

I said,

Steady,

Please,

Steady.

Frank jumped up and said,

Frank jumped up and said,

Tum tum,

Then the band played.

I didn't know what this meant,

But they all roared and continued the bread battle.

Gowing suddenly seized all the parsley off the cold mutton and threw it full in my face.

I looked daggers at Gowing,

Who replied,

I say,

It's no good trying to look indignant with your hair full of parsley.

I rose from the table and insisted that a stop should be put to this foolery at once.

Frank Mutler shouted,

Time,

Gentlemen,

Please,

Time,

And turned out the gas,

Leaving us in absolute darkness.

I was feeling my way out of the room when I suddenly received a hard intentional punch at the back of my head.

I said loudly,

Who did that?

There was no answer,

So I repeated the question with the same result.

I struck a match and lighted the gas.

They were all talking and laughing,

So I kept my own counsel.

But after they had gone,

I said to Carrie,

The person who sent me that insulting postcard at Christmas was here tonight.

December the 29th.

I had a most vivid dream last night.

I woke up and on falling asleep,

Dreamt the same dream over again,

Precisely.

I dreamt I heard Frank Mutler telling his sister that he had not only sent me the insulting Christmas card,

But admitted that he was the one who punched my head last night in the dark.

As fate would have it,

Lupin at breakfast was reading extracts from a letter he had just received from Frank.

I asked him to pass the envelope that I might compare the writing.

He did so,

And I examined it by the side of the envelope containing the Christmas card.

I detected a similarity in the writing,

In spite of the attempted disguise.

I passed them on to Carrie,

Who began to laugh.

I asked her what she was laughing at,

And she said,

The card was never directed to me at all.

It was L-Pooter,

Not C-Pooter.

Lupin asked to look at the direction in the card,

And exclaimed with a laugh,

Oh yes Gov,

It's meant for me.

I said,

Are you in the habit of receiving insulting Christmas cards?

He replied,

Oh yes,

And of sending them too.

In the evening Gowing called.

He said he had enjoyed himself very much last night.

I took the opportunity to confide in him as an old friend about the vicious punch last night.

He burst out laughing and said,

Oh it was your head was it?

I know I accidentally hit something,

But I thought it was a brick wall.

I told him I felt hurt in both senses of the expression.

December 30th,

Sunday.

Lupin spent the whole day with the Muttlers.

He seemed rather cheerful in the evening,

So I said,

I'm glad to see you so happy Lupin.

He answered,

Well Daisy is a splendid girl,

But I was obliged to take her old fool of a father down a peg.

What with his meanness over What with his meanness over his cigars,

His stinginess over his drinks,

His farthing economy in turning down the gas if you only quit the room for a second,

His writing to one on half sheets of notepaper,

Sticking the remnant of the last cake of soap onto the new cake,

Putting two bricks on each side of the fireplace,

And his general outside ha'penny bossness,

I was compelled to let him have a bit of my mind.

I said,

Lupin you're not much more than a boy,

I hope you won't repent it.

December 31st,

The last day of the old year.

I received an extraordinary letter from Mr Muttler,

Senior.

He writes,

Dear Sir,

For a long time past I have had considerable difficulty deciding the important question,

Who is the master of my own house?

Myself or your son Lupin?

Believe me,

I have no prejudice one way or the other,

But I have been most reluctantly compelled to give judgment to the effect that I am the master of it.

Under the circumstances it has become my duty to forbid your son to enter my house again.

I am sorry,

It deprives me of the society of one of the most modest,

Unassuming and gentlemanly persons I have ever had the honour of being acquainted with.

I didn't desire the last day of the year to wind up disagreeably,

So I said nothing to either Carrie or Lupin about the letter.

A most terrible fog came on and Lupin would go out in it,

But he promised to be back to drink out the old year,

A custom we have always observed.

But at a quarter to twelve,

Lupin had not returned and the fog was fearful.

As time was drawing close,

I got out the spirits.

Carrie and I deciding on whisky,

I opened a fresh bottle,

But Carrie said it smelt like brandy.

As I knew it to be whisky,

I said there was nothing to discuss.

Carrie evidently vexed that Lupin had not come in,

Did discuss it all the same and wanted me to have a small wager with her to decide by the smell.

I said I could decide it by the taste in a moment.

A silly and unnecessary argument followed,

The result of which was we suddenly saw it was quarter past twelve and for the first time in our married life we missed welcoming in the new year.

Lupin got home at a quarter past two,

Having got lost in the fog or so he said.

Chapter 14,

January the 1st.

I had intended concluding my diary last week,

But a most important event has happened,

So I shall continue for a little while longer on the fly leaves attached to the end of my last year's diary.

It had just struck half past one and I was on the point of leaving the office to have my dinner when I received a message that Mr Perkupp desired to see me at once.

I must confess that my heart commenced to beat and I had the most serious misgivings.

Mr Perkupp was in his room writing and he said,

Take a seat Mr Pooter,

I shall not be a moment.

I replied,

No thank you sir,

I'll stand.

I watched the clock on the mantelpiece and I was waiting quite 20 minutes,

But it seemed hours.

Mr Perkupp at last got up himself.

I said,

I hope there's nothing wrong sir.

He replied,

Oh dear no,

Quite the reverse I hope.

What a weight off my mind,

My breath seems to come back again in an instant.

Mr Perkupp said,

Mr Buckling is going to retire and there will be some slight changes in the office.

You have been with us nearly 21 years and in consequence of your conduct during that period,

We intend making a special promotion in your favour.

We have not quite decided how you will be placed,

But in any case there will be a considerable increase in your salary,

Which it is quite unnecessary for me to say you fully deserve.

I have an appointment at two,

But you shall hear more tomorrow.

He then left the room quickly and I was not even allowed time or thought to express a single word of grateful thanks to him.

I need not say how dear Carrie received this joyful news.

With perfect simplicity,

She said,

At last we shall be able to have a chimney glass for the back drawing room,

Which we always wanted.

I added,

Yes,

And at last you shall have that little costume which you saw at Peter Robinson's so cheap.

January 2nd.

I was in a great state of suspense all day at the office.

I didn't like to worry Mr Perkupp,

But as he didn't send for me and mentioned yesterday that he would see me again today,

I thought it better perhaps to go to him.

I knocked at his door.

As I entered,

Mr Perkupp said,

Oh,

It's you,

Mr Pooter.

Do you want to see me?

I said,

No,

Sir,

I thought you wanted to see me.

Oh,

He replied,

I remember.

Well,

I am very busy today.

I will see you tomorrow.

January the 3rd.

Still in a state of anxiety and excitement,

Which was not alleviated by ascertaining that Mr Perkupp sent word he should not be at the office today.

In the evening,

Lupin,

Who was busily engaged with the paper,

Said suddenly to me,

Do you know anything about chalk pits,

Gov?

I said,

No,

My boy,

Not that I'm aware of.

Lupin said,

Well,

I give you the tip.

Chalk pits are as safe as consoles and pay 6% at par.

I said a rather neat thing.

They may be 6% at par,

But your par has no money to invest.

Carrie and I both roared with laughter.

Lupin didn't take the slightest notice of the joke,

Though I purposely repeated it for him,

But continued,

I give you the tip,

That's all,

Chalk pits.

I said another funny thing.

Mind you don't fall into them.

Lupin put on a supercilious smile and said,

Bravo,

Joe Miller.

January the 4th.

Mr Perkupp sent for me and told me that my position would be that of one of the senior clerks.

I was more than overjoyed.

Mr Perkupp added he would let me know tomorrow what the salary would be.

This means another day's anxiety.

I don't mind,

For it is anxiety of the right sort.

That reminded me that I'd forgotten to speak to Lupin about the letter I received from Mr Mutler,

Senior.

I broached the subject to Lupin in the evening,

Having first consulted Carrie.

Lupin was riveted to the financial news,

As if he had been a born capitalist,

And I said,

Pardon me a moment,

Lupin,

How is it that you've not been to the Mutlers any day this week?

Lupin answered,

I told you,

I cannot stand old Mutler.

I said,

Mr Mutler writes to me to say pretty plainly that he cannot stand you.

Lupin said,

Well,

I like his cheek in writing to you.

I'll find out if his father is still alive,

And I will write him a note complaining of his son,

And I'll state pretty clearly that his son is a blithering idiot.

I said,

Lupin,

Please moderate your expressions in the presence of your mother.

Lupin said,

I'm very sorry,

But there is no other expression one can apply to him.

However,

I'm determined not to enter his place again.

I said,

You know,

Lupin,

He has forbidden you the house.

Lupin replied,

Well,

We won't split straws,

It's all the same.

Daisy is a trump and will wait for me 10 years if necessary.

January the 5th.

I can scarcely write the news.

Mr Perkupp told me my salary would be raised a hundred pounds.

I stood gaping for a moment,

Unable to realise it.

I annually get ten pounds rise,

And I thought it might be 15 or even 20,

But a hundred pounds,

It surpasses all belief.

Carrie and I both rejoiced over our good fortune.

Lupin came home in the evening in the utmost good spirits.

I sent Sarah quietly round to the grocer's for a bottle of champagne,

The same as we had had before,

Jackson Frere.

It was opened at supper,

And I said to Lupin,

This is to celebrate some good news I have received today.

Lupin replied,

Hooray gov,

And I have some good news also,

A double event,

Eh?

I said,

My boy,

As a result of 21 years industry and strict attention to the interests of my superiors in office,

I have been rewarded with promotion and a rise in salary of a hundred pounds.

Lupin gave three cheers,

And we wrapped the table furiously,

Which brought in Sarah to see what the matter was.

Lupin ordered us to fill up again,

And addressing us upstanding,

Having been in the firm of job cleaners,

Stock and share brokers a few weeks,

And not having paid particular attention to the interests of my superiors in office,

My governor,

As a reward to me,

Allotted me five pounds worth of shares in a really good thing.

The result is,

Today I have made 200 pounds.

I said,

Lupin,

You were joking.

No gov,

It's the good old truth,

Job cleaners put me onto chlorates.

January the 21st.

I am very much concerned at Lupin having started a pony trap.

I said,

Lupin,

Are you justified in this outrageous extravagance?

Lupin replied,

Well,

One must get to the city somehow.

I've only hired it and can give it up any time I like.

I repeated my question,

Are you justified in this extravagance?

He replied,

Look here gov,

Excuse me saying so,

But you're a bit out of date.

It doesn't pay nowadays fiddling about over small things.

I don't mean anything personal,

Governor.

My boss says if I take his tip and stick to big things,

I can make big money.

I said,

I thought the very idea of speculation most horrifying.

Lupin said,

It's not speculation,

It's a dead cert.

I advised him at all events not to continue the pony and cart,

But he replied,

I made 200 pounds in one day.

Now suppose I only make 200 in a month or say 100 pounds a month,

Which is ridiculously low.

Why?

That is 1250 pounds a year.

What's a few pounds a week for a trap?

I didn't pursue the subject further beyond saying that I should feel glad when the autumn came and Lupin would be of age and responsible for his own debts.

He answered,

My dear gov,

I promise you faithfully that I will never speculate with what I have not got.

I shall only go on job cleanlands tips and as he is in the know,

It is pretty safe sailing.

I felt somewhat relieved.

Gowing called in that evening and to my surprise informed me that as he had made 10 pound by one of Lupin's tips,

He intended asking us on the Cummings round next Saturday.

Carrie and I said we should be delighted.

January the 22nd.

I don't generally lose my temper with servants,

But I did have to speak to Sarah rather sharply about a careless habit she has recently contracted of shaking the tablecloth after removing the breakfast things in a manner which causes all the crumbs to fall on the carpet,

Eventually to be trodden in.

Sarah answered very rudely.

Oh,

You are always complaining.

I replied.

Indeed,

I am not.

I spoke to you last week about walking all over the drawing room with a piece of yellow soap on the heel of your boot.

She said,

And you're always grumbling about your breakfast.

I said,

No,

I am not.

But I feel perfectly justified in complaining that I never can get a hard-boiled egg.

The moment I crack the shell,

It spurts all over the plate,

And I have spoken to you at least 50 times about it.

She began to cry and make a scene,

But fortunately my bus came by,

So I had a good excuse for leaving her.

Gowing left a message in the evening that we were not to forget next Saturday.

Carrie amusingly said,

As he has never asked any friends before,

We are not likely to forget it.

January the 23rd.

I asked Lupin to try and change the hard brushes that he recently made me a present of for some softer ones,

As my hairdresser tells me I ought not to brush my hair too much just now.

January the 24th.

The new chimney glass came home for the back drawing room.

Carrie arranged some fans very prettily on the top and on each side.

It is an immense improvement to the room.

January the 25th.

We had just finished our tea when who should come in but Cummings,

Who has not been here for over three weeks.

I noticed that he looked anything but well,

So I said,

Well Cummings,

How are you?

You look a little blue.

He replied,

Yes,

And I feel blue too.

I said,

Why,

What's the matter?

He said,

Oh nothing,

Except I've been on my back for a couple of weeks,

That's all.

At one time my doctor nearly gave me up,

Yet not a soul has come near me.

No one has even taken the trouble to enquire whether I was alive or dead.

I said,

This is the first I have heard of it.

I've passed your house several nights and presumed you had company as the rims were so brilliantly lighted.

Cummings replied,

No,

The only company I've had was my wife,

The doctor and the landlady,

The last named having turned out a perfect trump.

I wonder you didn't see it in the paper.

I know it was mentioned in the bicycle news.

I thought to cheer him up and said,

Well,

You're all right now.

He replied,

That's not the question.

The question is whether an illness does not enable you to discover who are your true friends.

I said,

Such an observation was unworthy of him.

To make matters worse,

In came Gowing and gave Cummings a violent slap on the back and said,

Hello,

Have you seen a ghost?

You look scared to death,

Like Irving in Macbeth.

I said,

Gently Gowing,

The poor fellow has been very ill.

Gowing roared with laughter and said,

Yes,

And you look it too.

Cummings quietly said,

Yes,

And I feel it too.

Not that I suppose you care.

An awkward silence followed.

Gowing said,

Never mind Cummings,

You and the missus come round to my place tomorrow and it will cheer you up a bit for we'll open a bottle of wine.

January the 26th.

An extraordinary thing happened.

Carrie and I went round to Gowing's as arranged at half past seven.

We knocked and rang several times without getting an answer.

At last the latch was drawn and the door opened a little way,

The chain still being up.

A man in shirt sleeves put his head through and said,

Who is it,

What do you want?

I said,

Mr Gowing,

He is expecting us.

The man said,

As well as I could hear,

Owing to the yapping of a little dog,

I don't think he is.

Mr Gowing is not at home.

I said,

He will be in directly.

With that observation,

He slammed the door,

Leaving Carrie and me standing on the step,

With a cutting wind blowing round the corner.

Carrie advised me to knock again.

I did so and then discovered for the first time that the knocker had been newly painted and the paint had come off on my gloves,

Which were in consequence completely spoiled.

So I knocked on the door with my stick two or three times.

The man opened the door and took the chain off this time and began abusing me.

He said,

What do you mean by scratching the paint with your stick like that,

Spoiling the varnish?

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

I said,

Pardon me,

Mr Gowing invited.

He interrupted and said,

I don't care for Mr Gowing or any of his friends.

This is my door,

Not Mr Gowing's.

There are people here beside Mr Gowing.

The impertinence of this man was nothing.

I scarcely noticed it.

It was so trivial in comparison with the scandalous conduct of Gowing.

At this moment Cummings and his wife arrived.

Cummings was very lame and leaning on a stick,

But got up the steps and asked what the matter was.

The man said,

Mr Gowing said nothing about expecting anyone.

All he said was he had just received an invitation to Croydon and he should not be back till Monday evening.

He took his bag with him.

With that he slammed the door again.

I was too indignant with Gowing's conduct to say anything.

Cummings looked white with rage and as he descended the steps he struck his stick violently on the ground and said,

Scoundrel,

To be continued.

Reviews

A treat to listen to. Mandy, I appreciate your reading! 🙏🙏🙏