Romantic Relationships: Hesitation, Longing, & Self-Trust

In this deeply reflective session, we do a guided somatic inquiry into romantic relationships, exploring our desires, fears, and the cultural conditioning we carry. Through body-based mindfulness and compassionate questions, we are invited to examine the felt sense of being in or out of partnership, consider what freedom and respect look like in relationship, and reconnect with our own inner wisdom. Whether you're single, partnered, or healing from past harm, this inquiry helps build trust in your body’s signals and cultivate a kinder inner relationship.

Transcript

Romantic partnership. And if we are, What does that look like? And if we're not, What does that look like? Start off by getting in touch with why we're here. Notice your body, Your sense of what it feels like to be here exploring this issue. This is something that many people have had experiences of and many people have been harmed in relationships, Romantic partnerships, And many have found great joy and validation and a sense of belonging. So there's a lot of complexity. Look around the room that you're in, The space. Take a few deeper breaths. And as you're checking in, What's happening in my body when I bring forward these inquiry questions? And what does that feel like to be even looking at some of this? There's so much conditioning in our culture around you should be in a romantic partnership or you're a failure, You're a loser, Nobody wants you. Conditioning around what kind of relationships we should be in. There's certainly, We live in a heteronormative society, Although there's a lot more openness now in many parts of the world anyway to all different kinds of relationships, Pairings, Triples, Open relationships, Polyamory. There tends to be a spirit of exploration I'm seeing now a little bit more amongst younger people, Certainly not limited to young though. I know people of all ages who are exploring different elements of monogamy, Serial monogamy, Polyamory. There seems to be a wider range of what people are interested in exploring. So what I thought we would do is several inquiries around romantic partnerships, Relationships, As well as friendships and different ways that we get our emotional needs for connection met. One of the first things we might do is to recognize that we're looking at something that could be activating for our nervous system. Anytime you feel like you're getting swept away into memories, Traumatic memories, Or starting to feel fear in your body, Then we wanna come back into this moment in time so that we can get steady and regulated in this moment. Part of the way we do that is by noticing, Oh, I'm holding my breath, Or I'm tensing up, Compulsively thinking about that person or that memory. Maybe there's co-efficiency beliefs. What's the matter with me that I haven't been able to have a successful relationship? However, Our conditioning defines that for us. If you notice anything like that, Come back out of the inquiry. Take a step back. Notice your breath. If it's an image or if it's thought-based, You could put it on the wall on the other side of the room. It might be somebody's face. It could be a voice. Once you get it out of your head and into something you're looking at, It helps us to realize we're not actually back in a room where somebody's yelling at us. We're here in this space doing an inquiry. So once you have it over there, You might put a frame around it. Take your eyes around the empty space a couple of times on the outside of the picture. Just open your eyes, Stand up, Walk around, Look out the window, Do something to break the trance if things are getting too intense. One of the first things we might acknowledge is there's a lot of variety in how we are feeling about this and working with this right now. It might be very similar throughout our life. It might be quite different. We're all at different ages as well. Am I missing out if I don't have a partner? That depends on what you long for. If you want to be in a relationship or if you don't want to be in a relationship, Deep down, What is our desire? Given the fact that a lot of harm happens in relationships, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for decades and have been out of that now for about 15 years, It's helpful to acknowledge that we have a history. One of the questions that I look at is, Am I holding myself back from something that might be wonderful because I'm afraid of being hurt again? Or maybe because I don't have the confidence that I could recognize a healthy relationship or an unhealthy one. There's a lot of different environments here and different components of this. What comes to mind when you say, I could be in a relationship where I'm honored and respected and loved and supported and it's mutual? What's your first response to that? Does that feel possible? Let's feel into that in the body for a moment. What is your fear, Anxiety around that, Hesitation? Does it exist? What are our ideals around relationships and do they actually ever work that way? There's a lot of accommodating that has to happen in relationships. What's happening in your body? Fear, Throat chakra gets activated, Might be your belly. So when you think about being in a relationship, Some of that will come up. And is there any curiosity or longing? Stephen Porges who developed the polyvagal theory, He talks about feeling safe enough to relax in another's arms. We've probably all had experiences of that at least temporarily. So there is that experience. When we think about being in a relationship though, All of our past experience with relationships come in. It could be wonderful, Maybe there's some skepticism there, But is there a curiosity? Is there a longing to try? And what does that feel like in your body? So this is good to explore from a sense of, I have a lot of hesitation around this. Or feeling a little bit more open than I thought I would be. So a big part of how we protect ourselves in relationships is being aware, So we're clear about what's going on. And that we set appropriate boundaries. When I was younger, I just went, Here I am, Let's merge. And that's not something that I would do again. So when we think about being in a romantic partnership, It might be a marriage, But there's all kinds of other ways that we could do that too. When it comes to mind around excitement, Curiosity, What are we missing out on by not being in a romantic partnership? Now that doesn't mean that you're not necessarily sexually active. You could certainly have a lot of that without being in a long-term relationship. So let's sit with this question, How would I know that I'm being respected? So we meet somebody, Maybe it's somebody we already know. And how would I know that I'm being respected? What would we know? What would the signs be that we're being respected in this relationship? So notice your body and your breath. Relax your shoulders, Let yourself breathe. So what comes to mind when we ask a question like that is often the evidence that comes up around, Well, I know I wasn't when I was being treated this way. Maybe we could flip that around. So I know I'm not being respected when my partner is using a condemning kind of scornful tone of voice. Part of knowing I was respected would be a partner who's kind, Even if they're frustrated, Even if we're arguing that they're not being scornful. That's one example. Feeling safe to set boundaries. How do I feel in my body as I'm bringing some of those forward? Part of the fear, I think, That I have, And many have, Is that I would lose myself completely. I would just give over my power, Even though I know that I'm very unlikely to do that now. But it's something that has happened in the past. So how would I know and how would I feel in my body if I was in a relationship where I was respected and I respected my partner or partners? How would my body feel? Is there a sense of play, Of energy, Freedom? So let's put aside or pause for a moment on concerns and visualize into what it would feel like to be in a respectful relationship. So we'd feel at ease. When we look at this from a nervous system point of view, We go into a state of survival when we feel threatened. In a relationship that's good or that we feel at where we feel at ease, We're not as threatened, So we tend to maybe show up more. But if we are feeling threatened, We go into freeze. We don't read the situation all that well. We tend to give ourselves over. We might be going into a fawning or a fight or flight. So part of the mindfulness around this is to know what's happening in my nervous system as I'm just thinking right now or just visualizing. Sometimes it's hard to even imagine what it would be like. So inhaling and exhaling, Let your body have some ease. And one of the things that we might do is acknowledge the complexity of this, But at the same time, Focus in for just maybe a minute or so. Visualize, It might not be a certain person, But what would that be like to be in a relationship where we could be at ease, Where our feelings would be respected, Where we'd be listened to? Let's pause here for a moment. Take a few breaths. Was that easy for you to visualize that? Was it a little bit more uncomfortable? And what would freedom mean to you in a relationship? So when you think of an ideal relationship, One of the things that comes to mind is I'd like to be free, To be who I am, To follow my own heart in terms of what I wanna do, To be myself. In past relationships, Have you felt free to be who you are? Was that encouraged, Nurtured? Did it feel kind of one-sided, Like maybe you were really supporting a partner and following their dreams, But your dreams were never on the table, Were never considered? What does freedom mean to you? We exchange some of our freedom for connection in any kind of relationship. What are your bottom lines around freedom? One of the things about being single is nobody's telling us what to do. Maybe we have the bigger societal issues around we have to keep our jobs and things, But we're free to move where we want. We're free to read a book all day on our day off if we want. We're free to do what we want without people impinging on that. Part of the issue in a relationship is that one person gets to be free and also maybe gets to follow their heart and their dreams. And the other one is the support staff. A lot of this is conditioned in gender as well. Often, A group of guys maintain their friendship circles and the women come into the friendship circles with the guys and tend to lose their own. But that's something that hopefully is not happening as much as it used to. Can you maintain your friends? One of the things that comes up around freedom too is sometimes a partner, Could be male or female, Is jealous, Doesn't really want us to be around other potential mates. Sometimes that's quite obvious and sometimes it's a little bit more underhanded, Manipulative, And then the relationship takes on more importance because you don't have anything else. So that's one of the hallmarks of abusive relationships is that the partner will try and keep you away from family, Friends, Being supported in other ways. So it's definitely a red flag. Let's sit with that for a moment. Breathe, Notice what does that feel like. So we've looked into a little bit of respect and freedom, Freedom from being controlled. So let's look at this question. What kinds of connection would expand rather than contract me in a relationship? What kinds of connection within that would help you to feel like you're growing, It's a really nourishing environment? Are those expansive connections something that you've experienced? And as we're looking at this, Lots of thoughts might come in. What kind of support we would really like to have? And being seen, Someone who pays attention and who appreciates our quirkiness is really helpful It's one of the ways that we can feel worthwhile. So many people have these court efficiency beliefs of I'm unlovable, I'm unworthy. A supportive partner would make us feel more whole, More lovable, Make our life bigger, More expansive. Take a moment to feel into some of the harm that's happened from childhood as well. But in this context, We're looking at romantic partners. I'm damaged goods, Nobody would ever want me. That's a really cruel thing to say to somebody. So what we're looking for is to be out of relationships that are harmful. Once we're out of the relationship, Can we do that inner work, Work on setting boundaries, But also that awareness of what is a red flag? Am I too sensitive to the red flags that I'm never gonna be with somebody again because they're never gonna be perfect enough for me? Or do I trust myself to explore? If I choose to remain single, What do I gain? Freedom to make our own decisions, More of them anyway. There are other pressures on us for sure. Might be work or family or all kinds of things. But if we choose to remain single, We have more autonomy generally. So let's let ourselves feel into, And just remember, These are some of the specific things that make it hard for me to trust again. And let yourself notice what it feels like in your body, An energy in our body perhaps when you think of somebody who's said something that cruel. This is the person who's supposed to be on your side, Who's supposed to be your partner. And take a few breaths, Let yourself feel it in your body, And then let's not get stuck there though. We could move a little, We could take a few deeper breaths. It might be time to do a couple of cyclic sighs. So a deep double inhale through the nose, Inhale twice through the nose. And then breathe out through a thin straw. Press your lips, Let your exhalation really extend. Soften your body. And as you're doing that, We could also take it in, That we know that we're not the only person that this has happened to. That there are a lot of people who have experienced something similar. So this isn't something that's our fault. Whenever we have those court efficiency beliefs, Well, It's no wonder they don't love me because I'm not lovable, But we might have that unconscious belief. And then we long for a partner who will love us and respect us and know us and be kind, Supportive. What does it feel like to know that other people, Many, Many other people are experiencing something very similar? And let your shoulders soften a bit. And if you're thinking now, I'm not sure if I wanna try that again. Or maybe, You know, It would be really nice to have someone who is empathetic and supportive. What does it feel like right now in my body? Do I want to be in a romantic relationship? You might imagine that you are. What does that feel like right now in your body? You might see yourself with a partner or maybe partners. If we're thinking about, I'm gonna get into a romantic partnership, I'm gonna look around, I'm gonna find someone and I'm going to be open to being in a romantic relationship. Maybe visualize somebody that you might need. What does it feel like in your body when you're thinking about moving towards that? Do you feel like a leaning in? Hmm, Yeah, That would be kind of cool. Does your body pull back? So we're taking those breaths and kind of resetting. What does it feel like to consider, I want to be in another romantic partnership, In a relationship? And how does that feel in my body? Is that activating a flight response where you just want to get out of here? Is it inviting some curiosity? What does that feel like in your body right now? Do you feel comfortable and pleasant? Do you feel uncomfortable? Uncomfortable. What does living alone feel like in my body? Do you feel pleasant, Uncomfortable? What are the sensations? Do you lean forward into that? Feel warmer, Tighter? I'm gonna live alone. I'm not interested in being in a partnership. Or I don't have enough confidence that it could work out well. I'm gonna live alone. What does that feel like in your body? If there were a relationship that really honored who we are, With someone who's kind and respectful, What does it feel like to think about moving into that relationship? Opening up. If that was possible, If we met somebody like that, Does it feel spacious, Expansive, Terrifying? We can trust our body and we can learn a lot about why we feel how we do. Some people feel terror at the idea of being in a relationship again. Other people feel, Oh, Wow, That would be wonderful. If I was in a relationship with someone who respected me, Was kind, We supported each other's growth, That would be amazing. Let's stay with this question for a little bit. What's your felt experience? And how did that differ between, I'm open to being in a romantic relationship and I'm living alone? There's many forms and depths of friendships. Some people are friends that are like siblings, Chosen family. It's really wonderful if we have a relationship and have a few good friends. Pull back a little here. We're not deciding anything today. We're just exploring. We're poking the bear a little bit. We're trying out some different ideas. It's true that many people are not easy to live with. Ideally, If people had more resilience in their nervous system so that they weren't in a fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn response so much, It would be easier to live with people who are steadier. So it can be really hard to be in relationship with someone who's really anxious, For instance. Or if that's you, It's hard for other people to be around. So there's a lot of complexity around just how difficult it is to be in this world right now. It's really challenging. And there are a lot of ways we can support ourselves, Which we're doing right now. We can acknowledge and give ourselves credit for that. We're here doing a practice. We're doing some inquiry. One of the things we want, And I think as we get older, We realize how important it is, Is that we want to read the situation correctly. We want to know, Can I trust this person? Is this someone who I feel I would be better off just letting them in, Working with my fear and hesitations? What are the boundaries that I might set that would be healthy for me to set? But am I overprotecting myself? So I'm protecting myself into aloneness, Which might not be exactly what I want because of fear. That's a really big question that we'll look at in a different time as well. If you were to put a hand on your heart or just bring yourself back into your awareness, What's your response to this, I trust the wisdom of my body? Part of this is around reading the situation correctly. I trust the wisdom of my body. I don't have to know everything right now. I don't have to figure it all out right now. It feels somewhat safe enough to explore this. Does that feel true? I was quite traumatized as a teenager and really didn't have very good radar for who was healthy to be around and who wasn't, Which is why I got into relationships that weren't good for me. That's common for many of us. It's also true that no relationship is easy and sometimes things change a lot through illness or something else happens to change the situation. Ideally, We ourselves plus the people we love would be strong and resilient. And even if something happens that's very challenging, That we'd be able to work with it well and be kind to each other still. And that's pretty hard to do. So that might be something that's really difficult. Just to acknowledge as we're getting more healed and as we're more able to listen to our body, Does that feel comfortable? I trust myself more now. A moment ago when we were thinking about I'm gonna be in a relationship, Am I pulling it forward, Curious and excited? Am I going no way? Or I'm single, Am I feeling more relaxed, Open and curious? So that's the value of these somatic inquiries is that our body will tell us, It will signal us. Probably we don't trust our body completely right now, But we could learn to trust our body. And then once we get the signal from our body, Then we could use the rest of our brain, Our wisdom. We could talk to people, We could work out what might be the best thing to do then. There's a lot of different pressures that keep us in relationship. It's one of the reasons why we put it on hold and we don't listen to our body. Whatever your situation is, Let's finish with a few minutes of bringing ourselves into our own heart. So we've stirred up a bunch of things. We've had probably some memories and evidence that people aren't trustworthy come up as we've been going through this based on our own experience. This is very, Very common. Certainly I've had a lot of experience with this, I think all of us have. Not being certain of whether or not to stay or to go is a very difficult place to be. It can engage us for years of feeling kind of paralyzed or not knowing what to do or not being able to leave as well. The very minimum I could do is be kind to myself. I'm in a hard situation and I'm unhappy and I feel trapped or I like living alone, But I feel too scared to go into a new relationship. I don't know if I can trust myself to see the red flags. Let all of the discussion move to the side. If you have some persistent thoughts, Open your eyes and put them on the other side of the room. Imagine that there's a frame over there, Put the person's face or put the memories over there. Let yourself notice I'm looking at an image. It's a thought or I'm hearing a sound. I could tap on my forehead, Take my attention away from the sound and into the sound of the tapping. There are all of these things that we can do to come back into regulation. Another really important thing to do here is to not condemn or shame yourself for the situation that you're in. That's something that I found was very difficult and I had to be quite persistent around not shaming myself for staying in an emotionally abusive relationship for so long. And why is it I was not able to make the decision to leave? Well, There was a lot of reasons. And once we're in a situation like that, It can really pull us down. We don't have to have an answer. There's no right or wrong answer. Whether you wanna live alone, Whether you wanna be in a partnership, Whether you wanna get out of your relationship, We're drawn in different directions. So we want some of the things about being in a relationship and we don't want the things about being bad relationship. Maybe we're not really convinced that good relationships exist, At least not for us. So there's a lot of things that might be kind of rolling along here. So one of the things that's helpful is to put a stop to the inquiry now. We'll do something to reset the nervous system here in a second. And then when you go back into this, To do something in kind of a measured way, One of the most kindest things that we can do with ourselves is to let the chatter about this, Let the inquiry about this move to the side and just come into some support for ourselves. Just like we would like a loving partner to be supportive. That's something that we can also offer to ourselves. Remind yourself we're not trying to make a decision. We're just looking at some of the elements of this. Let your body soften as you're breathing out. Let your whole body relax from head to toes. And then bring your hand to your heart, If you like, Or both hands. Bring a sense of kindness into your heart for yourself. And you might do that as an imagining of somebody who you really care about is offering you their love and blessings. It might be somebody like the Dalai Lama is looking into your eyes and you have that sense of, I have basic goodness. I can feel that. Or it might be a really good friend or it might be yourself as you're looking in the mirror. I appreciate myself. I know my own basic goodness. And I could be kind and offer that kindness to myself. Letting everything else move to the background. There are so many different ways that we can support ourselves on this journey. And loving kindness starts with ourselves. Right now, We don't have to decide. We don't have to figure it out. One thing we can always do is look at our nervous system, Do some practices and some strengthening, Some resilience. We can offer ourselves some kindness. So it's natural for the mind to keep grabbing on. What am I gonna do? What's gonna happen? Is it gonna be the right thing, The wrong thing? But it's really helpful to take a few breaths, Break the trance of that thinking brain. Give ourselves a few minutes away from the thinking brain and just into our heart. One of the things about this somatic inquiry is that once we get used to living in our body and noticing how does our body feel, We start to develop a relationship with ourselves and a kindness, A spaciousness and expansiveness. And part of what we're looking for in other people we can find in our relationship with ourselves. Bringing our own kind attention to our own self is a real foundational step here. And it's not pleasant to not know what to do to have so many different things, Different possibilities going on. But if we can bring ourselves into our own heart, It's a really good starting place. So when we're asking these questions, If you notice that your body is shutting down or we're pulling back, There's something going on there. It might be fear, It might be, I'm reading this person isn't as safe as I'm hoping that they will be. If we're feeling ourselves kind of being drawn forward and engaging, We have more of a sense of aliveness, Of curiosity, Then maybe that's something we'd wanna move in towards a little bit. But even then, I think most relationships have a lot of complexity. So we need to give ourselves a break with that and to feel into these questions and these answers. Society's conditioning and approval and disapproval of being single or being in queer relationships or whatever it might be, Leaving a partner, How could you do that? We have a lot of external pressures as well, But one of the things that's very helpful is to nurture that relationship with ourselves so that we know what to do. And when we're making these decisions about, I'm going to pursue a romantic partner or I'm not, I'm gonna stay in this relationship, I'm not, I have some confidence that if I was to talk with my partner and say, I'm unhappy about these things, Can we work together on them, That that would be a worthwhile conversation or that's not gonna happen there, So I'm not gonna do that. So to respect our intelligence and our gut instincts on these as well. One of the things about all these practices is it helps us to break the trance of thinking and come back into our heart and into our body. Next week, We're gonna look into friendships, How we get our emotional needs for connection met through friendships.

Reviews

It has been 15 years since I was in an abusive relationship, latest lasted another 5 years and turned nasty 🤮, So helpful to examine what I missed and what I still desire!
Thanks Lynn

As always very, very beautiful and kind. The only thing that makes me a little sad is trusting the body more than the mind, or trusting the mind more than the body. I believe both can lead us astray and back to the beautiful heart centre. The most painful lessons 💔 are sometimes needed to understand this, when those lessons happen we can become more rigid in boundaries, and we can't soften. The dance both painful and joyful is the vibrant hum of this journey of life ups and downs and the time spent in the middle to mourn and to saviour and pick up the flower at the side of the road, like Maha-Kashyapa ☀️🫶🙏