Resilience During A Setback

We can have a powerful compulsion to reach for what worked in the past. This guided inquiry helps when we are experiencing a setback and are frustrated with the strength of reactivity and old coping mechanisms. We are not back at square 1. Our minds are not as compulsive. Our inner critic doesn’t have the grip it used to. We no longer believe that we’re bad or unlovable. We can come back to our breath, reach out to a friend, or hold our own hand for support and comfort. It gets better sooner.

Transcript

So today I wanted to do a practice around being frustrated with the progress of our healing.

I think this is something probably most of us feel at times.

You know,

We do so much hard work.

We're doing all the right things.

We're doing inquiry,

We're relaxing,

We're going into our body,

We're not suppressing our feelings anymore,

We're becoming more emotionally healthy,

We have a wider window of tolerance,

We certainly know how to regulate ourselves a lot better,

And yet still we're noticing that our nervous system is not always as resilient as we would hope it would be.

And sometimes we get into a bit of a trough and we really go into depression,

Or eating,

Or drinking,

Or binge watching Netflix,

Or maybe into a shame storm,

An inner critic attack.

So as we're doing this work it can be really discouraging to have a bit of a setback like that.

So today I thought we could just look at that.

What's going on when we're not healing as fast as we would like,

Or when we have a setback.

Let's start as we always do with tuning into what's happening in your body,

Your nervous system right now,

Your thoughts,

And what was the response of those words about healing and being frustrated about setbacks.

Take a few deep breaths,

Tune into your nervous system.

I'm frustrated because I'm still experiencing some of these troughs or some struggles.

We can go along for months or years even,

And our old coping mechanisms and strategies have largely settled.

And then something like COVID for instance,

But it could be a lot of other things,

Comes along and we find ourselves back at these old habits,

These cravings or compulsions,

Whether it's a compulsion for catastrophic thinking,

Or to tune out or zone out somehow.

They seem to gather more strength again.

And of course we're not happy about that.

One of the things that's become so clear over the last few years in particular,

Is that our nervous systems and our primitive brain really determine the quality of our life.

And partly that's because it determines the thoughts in the mind.

It certainly determines the stress in our body and what's happening in our bodies,

The sensations and energies,

As well as tightness or chronic or long-term stress leading to different diseases and illnesses as well.

We have this complex system that is often driven by the most primitive part of the system.

Another thing we know about trauma now is that traumatic memories don't update for time the way that regular memories do.

So if we're thinking about going on vacation or having a good time at the beach or something that was fun but not really charged,

You know whether that was when we were a child or ten years ago or last summer,

We know that it was happening then.

We don't have a sense of we're right back in that situation because the way our primitive brain works there's no need for us to react that way.

It's a memory,

It's something that happened,

It's part of us,

But it doesn't have a lot of power.

So most memories are like that.

They've just become part of the chitta in yoga meditation,

The mind field,

The storehouse of memories.

But traumatic memories have more of an impact on us because our nervous system interprets them as just as dangerous now as they felt then or as they were then.

That's one of the things at play when we're dealing with our life right now is that we might have done a lot of work around settling our nervous system.

We have really good tools and we actually remember to breathe or to open our eyes and look around or to do some tapping.

And yet at some point whether it's a sudden event or a chronic increase in pressure,

We start to feel a bit overwhelmed and our resilience isn't as strong as it needs to be.

And then some of these old habits,

These old grooves and patterns come back.

Let's take a moment to feel into that.

Is that true to your experience?

If so,

What comes up around that?

What are the thoughts about that and what's also coming up in your body about that?

And with all of our practices,

We're always using our tools to remain aware that in this moment we're safe.

So whether that's we start by looking around the room,

We turn around and look to the back of us.

We might do a practice like tapping,

Taking our attention into the sound and sensation of the tapping.

We hold our own hand.

When we hold our hand,

We can feel the warmth and support.

When we put our hands on our heart,

We can feel the warmth and support.

And one of the things that happens that's part of the process of disconnecting from traumatic things,

Traumatic experiences,

Traumatic memories,

Is that we go somewhere.

We disconnect,

We dissociate,

We go into fight-flight-freeze.

And when we're in fight-flight-freeze,

We lose our connection with ourselves and with other people.

And that feels really awful,

Especially when we've gotten used to more connection.

We've gotten used to being a bit kinder with ourselves.

We've gotten used to not having the inner critic shaming us all the time.

Or maybe when it comes in,

We notice it and then we let that go.

And it can feel like quite a fall from grace in a way,

Or just a big setback.

My mind in particular used to be very catastrophic.

And certainly with social threats,

I was always kind of planning ahead,

Well what if they say this?

Or gee,

I should have said that.

And that doesn't happen in my mind anymore.

It hasn't for years now.

And I know that many of us are in a similar situation.

We've come a long ways on this healing journey.

And yet we still have a primitive brain and nervous system that can kind of take us to our knees.

It feels like we are helpless again.

And it's really tempting at that point because we have all of those old habit patterns in the mind to catastrophize about what it means.

It doesn't mean that all of this healing we've done is for nothing.

It doesn't mean that.

That's not true.

It doesn't mean that we're always going to be back in this trough.

It doesn't mean that it's hopeless.

It doesn't mean that we've forgotten everything we've learned.

It just means that right now we're in a bit of a trough.

We're in a bit of a hard spot.

We're struggling.

Some of the old patterns of thinking and coping have come back.

Or the craving for it is stronger.

And let's give that a moment as well.

Does that feel true?

Are you noticing that you've had that kind of thinking?

And how does your body feel?

Are you connected?

Are you noticing your breath?

Do a quick body scan.

Are you worried?

Is your forehead all tight?

Are you clenching your teeth?

Or do you have some energy in your throat?

And often as soon as we bring our attention into those parts of our body,

The softening kind of happens automatically.

But we could pay attention for a few out-breaths and help it along.

Notice your neck and shoulders,

Your large muscles of your upper back.

Let those soften.

You could move your shoulders around a bit.

When we're bracing ourselves against being hurt,

It often shows up in the neck and shoulders,

The upper back.

And down through our chest,

Our belly,

Notice your breath.

Notice your arms and legs as well.

When we're preparing to fight or flight,

We often have a restlessness.

We can't quite settle our body.

And come back into awareness of your whole entire body,

Head to toes,

Of your breath and of the thoughts in your mind.

And reflecting on this this whole topic of how healed am I?

Does this setback mean I'm never gonna get better?

What does it mean?

Just notice what comes to mind.

What are your thoughts about this?

And if the thoughts seem kind of intense,

Or if they're really getting your attention in a strong way,

Then we could use some of the tools for working with thoughts.

We could open our eyes and put our thought on the wall on the other side of the room.

So if it's an image or if it's words,

Put it in a frame.

Shift your focus.

You could notice that when you focus on that,

Whatever it is in the frame,

And then you see what else is outside the frame,

We're really just looking at an image or words,

Thoughts or images or words.

You could take your eyes around the empty space a couple of times in each direction if you wanted.

You could do some tapping.

Bring your fingers to your forehead and just lightly tap 10 or 20 times and bring your attention into the sound,

The sensation of the tapping.

Take a couple of deep breaths.

I'm never going to be better.

What's your response to that?

I'm never going to be healed.

Everything I've done is just wasted.

Notice if there's resonance with those types of thoughts,

Or what it might be for you.

You might have different words.

The deficiencies of what happened in childhood,

That you didn't have parents who could give you a secure attachment,

And the impact that that's had through our life is devastating and really substantial.

It really affects us.

Notice what's happening.

Are you disconnecting from yourself?

What are the sensations?

What are the energies in your body as you're looking at that?

What I found to be true is that I'm still affected by what happened earlier in my life.

I still have less trust for people because people hurt me.

I still have a craving or a compulsion at times.

It's not as strong as it used to be to turn to my old coping mechanisms.

Some of them,

Not all of them.

I don't drink or do drugs anymore,

But I do sometimes eat in a way that's not that healthy.

Sugar and ice cream,

That kind of thing,

Are very comforting and sometimes those cravings come up again.

That's completely normal.

So if you used to escape or soothe yourself through shopping or overworking or whatever it might be,

Substances,

Behaviors,

It's true that those might come back a little bit when we're under a lot of stress.

See if that could be acceptable.

Is it acceptable for you to have that happen sometimes?

And we might not like it.

It might not seem fair.

And it's not.

And we don't have to like it.

And it's probably true,

The way our nervous system and primitive brain works,

That we can gain a lot of insight,

A lot of resilience,

And most of the time we're not affected so much.

Or if we're affected,

What I find too is that I might get some kind of a trigger and it lasts for a couple of days instead of months or years.

It lasts for a couple of hours instead of a few days.

It's not as strong,

It's not as deep,

And I have more ability to keep coming back.

I notice what's going on.

There's a big difference between noticing,

Okay,

Right now I feel this and it's related to this.

That's different than that overwhelming feeling of,

I can't cope,

Life sucks,

I don't know what to do.

And that's how a lot of us felt almost all the time when we were children or younger people,

Younger adults even.

We didn't know what was going on.

We didn't know why we were so unhappy or stressed.

We certainly didn't understand the nervous system or trauma.

And some people had the real blessing of having well-regulated adults in their life who paid attention to them,

Who helped them develop a well-regulated nervous system.

And most of us had to do that on our own later.

So fair or not,

That's the situation for most of us.

And as frustrating as it is,

And as scary as it is sometimes,

Is it true in your experience right now as you're looking at it?

Is it true that you're not the same as you were when you were a child or when you were developing these coping mechanisms?

Is it true that there's more stability,

More maturity,

More strength and resilience?

That's what's really true.

We're not actually back in the same situation.

All of the healing that we've done is still here and we can access it.

Sometimes we can't access it as easily.

We might need to really focus on inviting in kindness and compassion,

Protect ourselves from hard things for a little bit,

Nourish ourselves with loving,

Kindness,

Connection,

Self-care of all kinds.

And as we're doing that,

We can also notice what is it that's really contributing to my suffering?

And that might be we're hungover after drinking.

It might be that we've got an inner critic storm going on.

And we could notice we're aware of it now,

And then we could take steps to come back into kindness.

We could forgive ourselves for having a nervous system.

So for the last couple of minutes of the practice,

Let's just settle into noticing what's okay here.

Is it okay to feel the way we do,

To be affected by our life?

That sometimes we struggle?

And can we still maintain trust and connect with ourselves?

And that we don't have to fall back into that black and white thinking of all is lost,

I'm doomed?

That's really not true.

You could put your hands on your heart,

Offer yourself your own love and compassion,

Understanding,

Patience,

Your own wisdom,

And the kindness that you could offer yourself.

Notice your breath,

Notice your whole body,

And let yourself feel your own strength and resilience.

You're going to be okay.

Reviews

Incredible guidance to remind us all how far we’ve come in our healing and that our setbacks do not define us. It’s just what a needed at this moment. Such kind and wise reflection. Thank you immensely for this!

Wisdom and direction I need right now, your honesty about your own journey made this more relatable and credible for me. Thank you 🙏

A clear and reassuring practice. One of those “I’m not alone” practices that helps breathe some space into one of the more challenging experiences along the healing path.

Just what I needed to hear to offset my feelings of being stuck, frustrated, and ashamed of my responses to triggers. Thanks for the wise and compassionate explanations, and the invitation to be kind to myself as I pull myself out of "the trough."

That was amazing and exactly what I needed to hear tonight.

I was able to give myself some much needed compassion and space. Thank you.

Reassuring and grounding. Thank you 🙏🏻

So insightful and comforting, thank you!! ✨🙏🏻💫😊