Gender Identity And Sexual Orientation

In this guided inquiry, we explore gender identity, sexual orientation and cultural conditioning. Do you identify as a woman and what does that mean? Do you feel your body gender matches your internal sense of who you are? Did you feel in sync or out of place as a child and adult? Are you open and curious?

Transcript

One of the things that I really appreciate now about the exploration that younger people especially are doing,

A few older people as well,

Is that there are so many different ways people are beginning to name their experience.

As we name our experience,

It really affects how we see ourselves,

How other people see us.

When I was young,

A teenager growing up,

I didn't know such a thing existed as a lesbian.

I didn't know gay men existed either,

For that matter.

I was 18 or 19 before I realized that that was a thing.

So the experience,

The feelings that I'd had,

I just didn't know what it was.

I didn't have any shame around it particularly because I actually didn't know what it was.

But if it's not even a possibility,

That affects how we see ourselves and how we can explore what's really going on.

If this was something that I could have explored when I was younger,

What might I have opened up to?

And for now too,

I think I'm actually non-binary.

But what does that mean?

I thought we could just explore that a little bit.

I'll just drop in some questions.

We're going to do an exploration today on our identity,

Gender identity and sexual orientation and what it means when we say I'm a woman.

For me,

I'm cisgendered,

Which means that I was born in the same body that I feel an identity towards.

So I was born in a girl's body and I feel like I'm a woman.

But what does that mean?

So much of that is our culture.

Our culture defines this is a woman,

This is a man,

And I don't necessarily go along with that either.

What do you feel in your body right now?

What's your response to that?

And some of us already have some words that we use and have given this a lot of thought and have worked with this a lot.

I would refer to myself as a lesbian.

It's my sexual orientation.

What are the words that you might use to describe your gender identity and your sexual orientation,

Bearing in mind that these are not usually yes,

No.

Usually there's somewhat of a continuum.

And it's a really deep exploration of knowing,

Knowing ourselves.

Tune into your body and notice what's going on in your body right now.

Notice your breath.

And as we're doing the inquiry,

Like always,

We're trying to really stay present and steady in this moment.

So we do that by awareness,

Staying grounded in our body,

Our breath.

If something is very activating,

We might do some tapping on our forehead,

Do some longer exhales or box breathing.

So keep an eye on what's going on.

Notice how you respond to them.

You can put an I am in front of them.

I am a lesbian.

I am heterosexual.

I am.

You could put some other kind of words in front of it,

Like I lean towards or I'm exploring.

You could just look at the word.

Let's start with the word woman.

What comes to mind?

How would you define someone who says I'm a woman?

Some cultural stereotypes would say a woman is meek and submissive and here to serve her husband.

Others might describe a woman as strong and tough.

You might have images coming up,

Stereotype of a woman in high heels and blonde hair,

Beautiful.

We have a lot of conditioning around this word.

So if you were just to look at that word,

Notice your conditioning,

Notice what comes to mind.

Notice your body and your breath as well.

And if you were to say I identify as a woman or I don't identify as a woman,

What does that mean in context of the definition and the conditioning?

What does that mean to you?

If we bring that back to childhood,

It could be a sense of yeah,

I really fit in in that way or I really didn't fit in that way.

Sometimes there's a lot of family coercion around something.

If you're a tomboy,

For instance,

There's certainly a lot of social approval for falling into line and fitting the dominant stereotype,

Whatever that is in your family.

So we could bring it back to childhood.

I fit in as a girl.

I felt like I was a girl.

I didn't feel like I was a girl.

It might be I felt like I was a boy.

Or maybe I didn't feel like I was either one.

And what is that anyway?

And it could be something that very much shaped our lives or it could be something that we never really thought about.

And it could be something that we experienced a lot of shame or hiding around.

It's interesting to look at what was your conditioning around that and how did you feel?

Was it okay for you to just be a person,

To just explore?

And especially if you had a lot of trauma around that,

Notice that in your body.

And as we come forward into our teen years and into our adult years,

We could bring in sexual desire and sexual orientation.

And sexual orientation in particular seems to be very much on a continuum.

Some people are pretty much 100% heterosexual where they're sexually attracted to people of the opposite gender.

And some people are 100% homosexual,

Attracted only to people of their own gender.

But almost all of us are in the middle there somewhere.

Now what was your experience with that?

And as you're touching into that,

Noticing your experience may have really changed over time and it might have been the same.

You knew that right from the beginning it was all this and I never questioned it.

You never had any experiences of sexual desire for someone of the same gender or someone of the opposite gender.

Just to notice how does that fit in for you?

What was your experience?

And how does shame relate to this?

Because I didn't know what it was,

I didn't really have any shame around that as a teenager.

I didn't know that it was considered wrong.

I didn't grow up in a religious family for instance.

Nobody ever commented.

It wasn't part of my world.

And that's very different from someone who grew up in a family,

In a school or social environment where it was commented on and where it was shamed.

There's something really wrong with you.

And again,

Our experiences in this are very different.

You could also bring to mind what's the first time that you learned that not everybody felt the same way you do.

So if you were different than the so-called norm,

That would have been as soon as you started getting in touch with how you felt or how you identified.

But if you're not outside the norm,

If you're heterosexual or feeling like you were born in the body that was the gender that you feel like you are,

Then it might have been a long time later when it occurred to you or when it became evident that not everybody has that experience.

So we could also look at that.

What's your experience in knowing that other people have a range of expressions that are not similar to yours or not the same?

And in particular,

Notice if there's something about that other person that feels wrong that you're labeling,

Well,

There's something wrong with them.

Or if you're labeling yourself as something wrong with me.

Or is it more like,

Well,

That's really interesting.

It never occurred to me.

Or I've always kind of wondered about that.

Notice your own experience with that over the last period of life since you realized.

Because in our dominant culture,

That's not something that we bring forward or that we might know about.

And over the last several years,

We certainly have more.

And if you were to say something like,

I'm completely 100% welcoming and accepting of everyone,

I would love if our culture nurtured this more.

That everybody could feel free,

Really free to be who they are and identify as who they are and explore that and not have it be a big deal.

It's a big deal and it's not where we could really be free.

Who comes up for you around that?

Is there any feeling of it's threatening to me personally that other people define themselves differently than I do?

That's certainly the message in our dominant culture.

And we pick up conditioning for sure.

And depending on our experiences with this,

We might have a lot of memories of fighting to be recognized for who we are or feeling shamed for who we are.

I certainly have a lot through my lifetime of right at the beginning when I was realizing it and then later on when I was a pretty militant activist.

Later on when it got more subtle and I would kind of be more consciously making that decision.

I don't really want to risk my good paying job,

So I'm not going to be too vocal about it.

How did that feel?

Depending on what our experience was with this,

We might have a lot going on.

And as you're breathing in and breathing out,

Let yourself be present with whatever it is that's here.

And remembering,

Tapping,

Breathing.

Fifteen or twenty minute inquiry doesn't really do justice to what we might want to explore.

Just notice as well,

What is it that's here?

Is there an interest,

A curiosity?

Is there an openness?

What do you feel in your body right now?

Reviews

Thank you, for putting this up here. I needed just that right now. Lived most of my life as a heterosexual woman, in a lesbian relationship for five years now, happier than ever. Exploring non-binary. 🌈 sending love 💕

Really interesting. A unique practice. Thank you 🌈 🏳️‍⚧️

Fellow enby in da HOUSE

Am omnisexual enby :3

Stop Trump from hurting LBGTQIA+ and others! Vote for the first female president in history!

Help save trans kids!

I… learnt about pride… when I was 6.

Very timely talk. I’m a 63 year old man separated for over 2 years after a 21 year marriage. I have my first date tonight with another man which is something I’ve wanted to try for a long time. I’m comfortable in my skin as a man, and have long had bisexual urges. It’s never too late to try new things! Thank you! 🙏🏼 ☮️

Helpful inquiry. I’d like to share this with family members who are struggling to make sense of my child’s gender identification.

Good inquiry into yourself and your relationship with Gender and sexuality