Doing Hard Things - A Somatic Inquiry

When we feel dread or anxiety around something we need to do, our brain will bring up all the things that could go wrong. If we are giving a presentation at work, our brain uses evidence from the past, like when we were in grade school and felt embarrassed in front of the class. We begin by looking into some of the evidence the brain is using to predict difficulty. We then move into feeling our own strength and resilience in our body.

Transcript

Doing things that we're a little bit nervous about doing.

When we start something new or when we're doing something that we're not entirely comfortable with,

Maybe there's some social danger,

Resonance with something that's happened in our past,

Then we often have an uneasiness about it.

Sitting with that and seeing what's coming up,

What is real and relevant to the present moment,

And what is more from the past.

We're going to start with some breathing,

Some relaxation,

And then we see where this goes.

So let yourself get settled and to be comfortable in your body,

Your position,

And notice what is happening in your internal world right now,

As well as your external.

Whenever we're working with an inquiry,

It's really important to be present in this moment in time.

So it is true that we might be working with something that's uncomfortable or makes us anxious or even dangerous or scary,

And right now in this moment,

Is that the situation?

So usually when we're doing an inquiry,

We're able to have that confidence that in this moment our body is safe,

We're not in any danger right at this moment,

And we're not being foolish or something and thinking that we're never going to have any social threat or other kinds of threat,

But we are aware that in this moment we have the space and the freedom to be present with ourselves,

To relax our body,

Breathe.

It's true that life is pretty tough right now for a lot of people,

And it's very overwhelming for a lot of us as well.

Things happen,

They kind of stack one on the other on the other,

And we feel like we don't get a respite from it.

This might be the 20 minutes during the day that you get your opportunity to regulate a little bit,

Settle a bit deeper into being aware,

Working with your body.

Notice the physical body,

Is there anything you could do to be more comfortable?

So it might be to wiggle around a little bit or settle in,

Whatever that might be.

Notice if you take a few deeper breaths,

Does that feel comfortable?

Quite often it's a relief.

We might notice I was breathing,

Oh so shallow,

Or I was holding my breath.

I wasn't breathing enough to really support vibrant life in my body,

I'm not getting enough oxygen.

The holding our breath is one of the ways that we survive,

So it's very common that we do that.

When we're feeling under stress,

And it's also really helpful then to breathe with a little bit more volume,

A little bit more ease.

One of the things that we also know is that being regulated,

Which means our body is relatively relaxed and we're not ready to jump into action,

That we can kind of settle back and let our chair or the floor or whatever it is support our body.

We're not holding our breath,

Our breath is abundant enough to support life.

And that when we take a deeper breath,

That that feels okay.

That's never perfect exactly,

We might still notice if we focus on the stomach area or on that bigger breath,

The sound,

We're cautious a bit.

But we could also kind of notice if you feel safe enough right now.

I'm going to ease into it or I'm going to jump right into it with big breaths,

Whatever that is for you right now.

And there's so many breathing practices that we can do to bring ourselves into regulation as well.

Let's do a little bit of cyclic sighing.

That's that deep double inhale through the nose and then a long slow exhale like you're breathing out through a thin straw.

Breathing in through the nose and then again.

As you breathe out,

Let your exhalation continue for a long time,

As long as there's still ease in your body and let your shoulders soften,

Let your body relax.

One or two more deep double inhales.

And then let your breath come back to whatever ease is there,

Let your body be relaxed,

Let your breath be smooth.

Often what happens as we're doing an inquiry is memories will come up.

That might be a memory of something that happened when you were young or maybe just two weeks ago or whatever that might be.

We all have these experiences where we're not handling things well or where we're nervous.

And oftentimes we don't have a choice about going back into a situation.

Maybe it's that we really need that job or maybe we're starting something new,

Like we're starting to work with facilitating people as a somatic mindfulness coach.

Or maybe it's something else that's going on in your life that you want to show up for and you want to be present.

And just because something's hard doesn't necessarily mean we're not going to do it.

And it does mean we need to call in our resources.

The biggest resource is our own emotional regulation,

Letting our body and breath be regulated.

And keep coming back to that as well.

Right now in this moment I could open my eyes and really see right now I'm not doing anything challenging.

I'm doing a practice.

And then as we go into the inquiry,

Notice what comes to mind.

For most people,

Probably something's already come to mind,

Maybe a series of memories of things that have been hard,

Or maybe there's something going on for you right now.

And it might be kind of low level,

It might be a lot more intense.

Notice what's happening in your thought stream,

What's coming up as thoughts.

Sometimes those thoughts are from the past,

It's a memory.

If we're dreading something or not sure how we're going to handle it,

We're going to have to let go of that.

It's a memory.

If we're dreading something or not sure how we're going to handle something,

It's usually about the future,

Often based on evidence from the past as well.

Notice as you're doing that,

Are you able to keep your attention in your body as well?

We want to be present in our body as we're doing the inquiry practice.

We can notice if we're starting to get really tight.

We could release the clenching in our jaw or bring our shoulders down again.

We could check our breath.

So as we're looking at images or bringing to mind what it is that we're working with,

If it's still in the realm of,

I can be aware of my body and breath,

And I can be noticing thoughts that are coming through my mind,

Then we just continue with that.

We just notice,

Okay,

These are the thoughts that are coming up.

It might be something that is an unresolved trauma,

Or maybe it was an experience of feeling really awkward at some point.

We stood up in front of the class with that teacher that loved to humiliate us and we didn't know what to say.

Or it could be more of something's going on that's really hard to do,

To be present with.

So if you're finding that you're losing connection with your body and your breath,

Open your eyes.

You could do some tapping on your forehead,

Just a couple of fingers on your forehead,

Tapping.

Take your attention away from the thoughts for a moment,

Into the sound and sensation,

Or make some circles on your forehead.

Notice the sensation of that.

Take a couple of breaths.

Let your attention turn inward again.

What is it that's coming up as you're looking at something that is a bit difficult for you to do?

And as we're doing that,

We will also notice that there are sensations and energy in our body.

When we feel dread about something,

It manifests in our body.

It might be that black pit in your stomach,

Or it might be your shoulders and upper back,

Or it might be your shoulders and upper back are really tense.

So notice what's happening in your body as we're working with this.

And sometimes there's a lot of thoughts going on,

And other times we have a little bit of a pause in the thoughts.

We can tune into the body.

And how could you support yourself in your body right now?

Maybe it's you need to move,

Or maybe you could put your hands on your heart and just reassure yourself that I'm here.

I'm paying attention.

Let your body breathe.

And as we're exploring this,

We can move in a little closer and then come back out a bit.

We can manage the intensity of what we're working with by coming in and then coming back out.

And if there's a lot of intensity and thoughts,

We can also do something stronger than tapping.

We could open our eyes,

Look around.

Okay,

I'm here in the present.

I'm safe here right now.

And then take that thought and put it like it's in a frame on the wall on the other side of the room.

It might be an image of someone's face.

It could be anything.

It could be words that you can put in there.

And notice that there's an image.

There's a frame.

See that in your mind's eye.

And then take your eyes now around the empty space on the outside of the frame.

Start at the top,

Go around to the right,

The bottom,

Up to the left side,

Up to the top.

And let yourself just go around a circle there a couple of times and then go in the opposite direction.

Just now noticing that there's space on the outside of that frame.

And then when we look back into the frame,

Notice again what the image is,

The words.

Back into the body,

Notice your body now.

What we're doing with that is we're letting our brain know,

Not just by telling it,

But by doing this exercise,

This bilateral stimulation,

That what we're thinking about or the thoughts or the images are a thought.

They're not actually happening right now.

This is very helpful with intense images,

Flashbacks.

A lot of those images are in our mind when something's difficult.

You could do that two or three times.

Sometimes it's enough just to do it once.

It decreases the intensity enough that we can come back into noticing my body.

I'm here in this room.

I can feel my seat,

My feet.

I can breathe.

I can hold my own hands.

At any time we want,

We can always open our eyes.

We can look around.

And as we're working with this,

Without diminishing what it is that we're feeling uncomfortable about or that we're dreading,

We could also work with times that we've done hard things.

Maybe there's something similar in your past where you have this memory using the school example of being embarrassed or humiliated at school,

And then later maybe you had experiences where you were able to be pretty confident.

Maybe it was in your work life or maybe you were able to do something that was hard,

But you did it anyway.

So there's a lot of things that we overcome.

So let's work with this strength.

Bring to mind something probably related to that.

What are some strengths that you could call in right now to help you with the situation?

And it might be things that have turned out well,

Or it might be things that were really difficult and you made it through.

Maybe someone who reminds you how strong you are.

When we're doing something difficult,

It's helpful to remember our strengths.

You might visualize yourself standing.

Your legs are firm.

You're rooted into the earth.

You're breathing.

You're allowing your body to be as relaxed as possible in the circumstance.

So we might be wary or ready to really notice.

We might be hypervigilant.

But even in that,

We could also be aware of,

I'm here,

I'm strong.

Feeling that in our body as well.

And let yourself play that out in your mind.

Notice what that feels like.

It's true,

I've had some experiences where it's been really difficult to manage.

And I've also had other experiences.

I've had times when I've made it through,

Maybe just barely,

Or maybe feeling really strong and steady.

Let yourself kind of feel into that.

What does that feel like in your body to remember those times?

Take some deeper breaths.

Let yourself sigh.

What does that feel like in your face as we're steady?

We're not really frowning.

We're not wincing and kind of pulling back.

Things are as they are.

And we can practice being aware and allowing it in,

Being directly aware of it.

Let yourself feel that in your face,

Your jaw,

Relax your throat.

Let your shoulders and upper back relax,

Your neck.

Let yourself be aware of what's going on in your body.

Let your shoulders and upper back relax,

Your neck.

Feel that in your body right now.

Let your chest come up a little,

Relax your shoulder blades.

Take some deeper breaths.

Let yourself feel,

Or maybe visualize,

Or you have a body of somatic memory of standing with both feet on the ground.

We're not in a fight,

Flight,

Freeze,

We're steady,

We're here,

We're present.

And maybe that is the gift that we bring to the situation and to each other.

We're working with our own nervous system.

And when things are difficult,

We're never perfectly regulated.

But maybe it's enough that we can be a little kinder,

A little bit more open-hearted,

A little bit more present for others.

Notice your body,

Head to toes,

Notice your breath.

And then if you want,

You can bring back that difficult situation.

It probably has popped back already anyway.

This thing that's making you feel a little uncomfortable or that you're dreading or that you're scared about,

From this groundedness,

This strength in your nervous system,

In your body,

Your breath,

See yourself doing it and see it going well,

That you're really present for someone.

When we're present for ourselves with that kind compassion,

Open-hearted empathy,

It really helps us and it also helps the people around us.

If we can breathe,

If we can be there for ourselves in our own strength,

Our own good-heartedness,

We can let ourselves feel that as well.

Let yourself feel your body,

Your breath,

Open your eyes,

Look around.

And sometimes when we do an inquiry like that,

We have something come up that we're noticing.

It's like,

Oh,

I didn't remember that thing that happened.

Or when I look back at that,

I always think about the times when I felt like a failure.

But in fact,

I've done this many times.

I've been present with people who are really suffering or whatever that might be that we were working with.

So we can bring that strength to mind as well.

I need to be reminded how strong I am.

That's something that we can all work with.

We all have these memories of times when we didn't really do it the way we would have wanted to.

We closed up,

We went into a survival response.

And we also all have memories and present moment experiences of being strong and regulated and here.

That's something that we could cultivate as we're doing these difficult things.

Reviews

I figured out what keeps me running away from difficult things. It’s my shame programming and how I grew up with false expectations that I put on myself. It has nothing to do with my capabilities and everything to do with others not wanting to feel lesser and so triggering my shame response so I make myself small. It doesn’t make others feel better about themselves that they can make me smaller. It builds distrust among all of us in the situation and allows blame and shame to constantly cycle through that relationship.

This practice is very important to help me allow the bodily rebalance of reality and the melting of this activation to come back into present and our power to see, feel, understand and act.

I was able to use this insight to help me to take steps towards completing unfinished tasks. It was truly liberating and steadying to see myself succeed and move through the world without crippling anxiety. Thank you for this gift of life. I still face fear with relationships, but I can handle tasks so much better now.