At Home In My Life Inquiry

This is from an Insight Timer live event, Build Resilience & Ease Part 1: Feeling At Home in the world.
We need a place to take a deep breath and share our authentic truth. In this 5 part series of guided mindfulness inquiry, we explore feeling at home in the world from a nervous system lens, making the leap to stand tall and strong and turning toward people with trust and earned secure attachment.

Transcript

So these mindfulness inquiries are a way to really check in and see what's going on in the background.

And this sense of feeling at home,

In our body,

In our life,

Is something that kind of comes and goes a little bit.

Sometimes we feel very much at home.

Many people,

Not everybody,

Many people had a really special friend when they were a kid or maybe a little group of people that you hung out with.

You just felt like you could be really who you are,

And you giggle about these silly things and all of that.

And not every child had that,

But many of us did.

Or maybe as an adult you have that partner or a best friend who just gets you.

You don't have to hide who you are,

You can really be who you are.

This is the journey of getting to know ourselves and healing past trauma as well.

We're really getting to know ourselves and realizing that all of these core deficiency beliefs that we had in fact are not true.

That we're actually pretty amazing,

Pretty wonderful people when we get to know ourselves.

It's a journey for sure.

So today we're going to look into some of the components of what's going on when we really feel at home with ourselves.

So notice what your response to that is.

Gabor Maté has a quote talking about,

When we're a child we trade authenticity for attachment.

And what we know as adults is that we still need that secure attachment.

We still need to feel like somebody has our back,

There are people that we can be really ourselves with.

And we may not have that as much as we would like,

Probably most of us don't.

And one of the ways that we can work with that is to be really unconditionally on our own side and really authentic with ourselves.

So that's something that we can build into our life.

It's wonderful to have that real authentic connection with other people.

And do we have that with ourselves?

Just to notice what are the thoughts,

What's going on in your body.

Take a moment to relax your body.

Notice how you're seated,

Notice your feet on the floor if you're sitting like that.

Your seat on a chair,

You might be lying down.

Notice your body and notice your breath.

And in a meditative inquiry like this,

What we're really doing in part is paying attention to what's my response as I'm just hearing these words.

I'm trading authenticity for attachment at times.

What comes to mind when you let that in?

Sometimes I'm not fully who I am because I want to be accepted there or maybe it's not safe.

It's a place where we'd be judged or condemned if we were all of who we are.

We probably all have that experience too.

But sometimes we do this on a conscious level.

We only bring certain parts of ourselves to a family get together or to work or with certain people.

Just to see does anything come up in your body?

Are you having any kind of a tightening in your body?

What's your response to that?

Sometimes I trade authenticity just to get along and be included.

What are the ways that you can hold your breath?

One of the ways that we notice the response is,

Did something tighten in your body?

Have you started clenching your teeth or you have that tight fist in your gut or you hold your breath?

That's a really good clue that you're having a response is when there's something like that in the body.

It could be physical,

It could be energetic,

It could have to do with the breath.

What are the ways that you can stay present?

One of the ways that we stay really present is that we're remembering that in this moment we're not doing anything.

We're not trading authenticity,

We're not doing anything.

We're just doing an inquiry.

One of the ways that we stay really grounded is we might open our eyes and look around the room.

Notice if you're safe where you are.

We could do some tapping,

Just taking your attention away from thoughts and into the sound and sensation of tapping on your forehead.

A lot of ways that we can stay steady here,

Stay grounded in the moment.

Let's look at a couple of other sentences.

We just kind of drop the sentences in.

We're not trying to figure out anything in the mind,

Although thoughts will probably come in.

If your body tightens or if your breath changes,

That just means there's some kind of a response.

We'll never feel at home in our body and in our lives unless we really dare to get to know ourselves really deeply.

We're going to work with some sentences that may feel true partly,

But probably not completely.

This is kind of a reverse inquiry,

So it's not really an affirmation.

We're going to say something that we're not sure we completely believe,

And then that gives the unconscious mind the opportunity to chime in and go,

Yeah,

I don't think that's true.

The first sentence is,

I am willing to step into uncertainty.

I'm willing to step into uncertainty.

And our conscious higher level of the mind might find that quite exciting,

Or at least tolerable.

Our nervous system hates uncertainty.

Our primitive brain always wants to know all of the things that could possibly go wrong and try and control them.

Notice what your response is.

I'm willing to step into uncertainty.

And if you notice anything's tightening up in your body,

Relax your forehead and eyebrows,

Your mouth and jaw,

Neck and shoulders.

Let your whole body relax.

If you're holding your breath,

Take a few deeper breaths.

I commit to staying present and to not avoid myself,

Not avoid my life,

What's going on.

I commit to staying present.

Stay really connected with your breath,

Watching your thoughts,

Observing your thoughts.

And we all would love to stay present when there's a beautiful sunset and everything's going really well.

Part of being an adult and healing our own trauma,

Especially,

And feeling at home in our world,

Is to be able to stay present when things are not going that well or when we're struggling,

Which is really true of everybody right now with COVID.

And then we have personal circumstances that feed into this as well.

Take a few deep breaths as you're just noticing.

If you're holding your breath,

Let it go.

I commit to staying present to not avoid myself and my life.

And notice if there's any kind of hopelessness or inner critic stuff coming in.

Sometimes a memory or a person will come into our mind.

It's like,

I can't stand this situation that I'm in.

It's really hurting me.

It feels like they have contempt for me or maybe I'm in some kind of an abusive situation.

I don't really see a way out.

Sometimes when we want to change a relationship,

We feel like we can't.

We don't want to hurt them.

But other times we just know that if we really shift in our relationships,

We can't control what might happen.

It could get really difficult for us.

So when we're doing these inquiries,

It's always so important to be kind and not shame ourselves.

Human life is pretty hard.

Relationships are really hard.

So when we're committing to staying present,

We know that it's going to be much more than sunsets and dancing and daisies.

And yet when we are present,

That's the only opportunity we have to really work with healing our nervous system,

To see reality as it is,

And to have that confidence that we get that we could actually be here.

We could be clear.

We could see things as they are.

And if we feel fear,

That we can work with that.

There are many things we can do to work with fear.

One of them is to reassure our nervous system through the breath,

Roll our shoulders around at the bracing through the back of our head,

Neck and shoulders.

That's often.

.

.

When you think about,

I feel at home,

I feel at home in my life,

That might not be very true or it might be mostly true.

What would have to change for you to say with more accuracy,

Yes,

That's more true.

I feel at home in my life.

I feel at home in my body,

In my world.

I feel like I can be myself.

What would have to change for that to be more true?

Sometimes we have an inner critic that can be really mean,

Kind of drag us down,

And that's really difficult.

We don't want to be held hostage by a mean inner critic.

That's a trauma response,

And it's good to know when that's going on.

We could tell the inner critic to be quiet,

Perhaps.

The way that our mind talks to us at times,

We would not tolerate that from anybody else.

So there could be an inner critic that's going on.

There could be just a feeling of,

It's hopeless,

I don't know how to change this.

Maybe right now with COVID you're in a situation that you feel kind of stuck in.

It's helpful to just notice that,

To let yourself be aware of that,

And also to bring forward some of the strengths that you've exhibited as you've moved through your life.

So nobody's life,

Even if it doesn't have what we would call abuse or that kind of trauma,

Nobody's life has been 100% easy.

That's really not how our life works.

It doesn't work like that as a child,

It doesn't work like that as an adult.

So we've all had these experiences of not being included,

Of saying something,

And maybe somebody has betrayed us,

Betrayed our secret.

There's a lot of ways that we feel hurt,

And we're here.

We're interested enough in healing that we're here.

We're doing an inquiry.

We've gotten through a lot of really hard things,

And part of what we're doing with these healing practices is we're widening our window of tolerance.

We have more of a chance to stay present when things are hard,

When we're struggling.

Keep coming back to anything that grounds you right now in this moment.

If you're starting to get a little bit off-kilter or feeling disconnected,

You might hold your own hands.

Just kind of feel the warmth of your hands.

You could look around the room.

If you're getting kind of panicky or anything like that,

You could start to do some box breathing,

For instance,

Where you hold your breath for four seconds.

Inhale for four seconds.

Hold your breath for four seconds.

Exhale for four seconds.

So there's a lot of practices we can do if we need them,

But otherwise just stay kind of present.

Notice what's going on.

If you're feeling like you're being kind of held hostage by some of those inner critic thoughts or by hopelessness,

You might tap on your forehead.

Just bring your attention away from those thoughts.

They're not helpful.

Just into the sound of the tapping and the sensation of your fingers on your forehead.

Notice again your breath,

Your body.

Right now we're just looking.

What would have to change for me to feel more at home,

More free to be who I am,

Be more authentic?

We don't have to make a big leap.

We don't have to kind of blow up our life.

That's often not the most helpful thing to do.

Sometimes we do have to make big changes.

For myself,

I was very out of alignment and I had to make some big changes,

And now things have gotten a lot better.

Sometimes that's true.

But just in this moment,

What's coming up for you?

Whether you're thinking about making some small kind of attunement changes or something bigger,

Notice that we all have the capacity to do that.

So just for a moment,

If you brought back a memory of something you did that was hard,

Maybe you had that conversation with somebody,

You set a boundary,

You spoke up to a racist joke at work,

Whatever it might have been,

And you might not have done it perfectly,

But you did it.

Notice that.

What does that feel like when we remember?

You could bring it up in your mind.

What were the sounds?

What were you seeing?

It might be something from a long time ago or something from really recently.

And it could be that even though you were feeling kind of down and procrastinating and avoiding something,

That you actually did it.

You made that move.

You took an hour and did that task or whatever it is.

Some of these are really kind of commonplace day-to-day things,

Others are in relationships.

One thing we could all acknowledge is that we're here doing a practice,

And that's a good thing.

So when we commit to staying present and to not avoiding the hard things,

We're moving into something that Resmaa Menikam calls clean pain.

It's difficult,

But we're not avoiding it.

We're stepping right into it and going,

Okay,

This is the situation.

This is what I need.

This is what I need to say.

This is how I can do it with kindness and be firm.

And as you're remembering whatever situation you're thinking about,

Tune in really clearly.

What does it feel like when we act in alignment with our values or with what we need,

What we want?

What does that feel like?

I was authentic.

Notice if that helps you to feel a bit more at home in your body.

And then let's come back to the inquiry again for a moment.

I want to feel more at home in my world.

What would have to change?

And if the inner critic jumps in,

Just say,

No,

I'm not listening to you.

You don't get a vote on this.

I'm just really looking to see what it is that I would need to shift a little bit.

Take some deeper breaths.

Relax your shoulders,

Your mouth and jaw.

Take some deep breaths.

Let your belly soften.

And don't let yourself go into a shame storm.

So in this inquiry,

We're not looking for everything where we've not been able to do that.

We're not actually looking for that at all.

The inner critic can sometimes give us a lot of evidence that it's better just to stay quiet.

But we also know the price we pay.

We end up with a half life.

Feels kind of gray.

We might feel like we're living someone else's idea of our life,

But it's not really what we want.

There's a need here for courage and kindness and strength.

And that's something that we all have.

For the last year and a half,

Our whole lives just suddenly changed.

And in addition to the fear of getting COVID,

We've also had a lot of social isolation,

Which has been welcome in some ways and very unwelcome.

It's had a lot of impact on us.

So how do we feel about that now?

And sometimes we have to take a lot of steps to get into a caring community to create that.

We have this nervous system response that says it's not safe to be around other people.

People hurt us.

How are we going to handle that?

If we're not trusting that people are going to be welcoming,

If we're not trusting that we're going to feel safe enough to engage,

Then that's a real disincentive to reaching out to people.

One of the ways that we can do that is to really work with our nervous system.

There's a naturalness about being afraid of other people.

The naturalness in the sense of that's been our experience is that people hurt us.

And that right now with COVID,

There's a life and death threat of being close to other people physically as well.

And then we also have all of the threats of everybody's nervous systems are really struggling right now.

A lot of people are in fight,

Flight,

And freeze.

People that we might normally count on for fun or support might be really not available to us in the same way.

Or people might be in a fight response and we're finding it's just hard to get out at all during the day,

You know,

Driving or in a store.

There's so much anger right now.

So we have all of this real life situation that we're dealing with.

It can be very challenging.

Our nervous system tends to project worst case scenarios based on our past and our present.

So if we have that experience of some kind of pain,

Whether it's physical,

Emotional,

Then we tend to project that that's how it's going to be going forward,

Which isn't very helpful.

And it's not even necessarily true,

But it's certainly part of the way that the brain works.

Before we kind of finish the inquiry part,

Notice your relationship with yourself right now.

So one of the things that we tend to do is we get kind of hard-hearted.

We are disappointed in ourselves or we might be angry with ourselves,

Impatient.

Most of us have had a lot of messages about you should just get over this or don't be so sensitive or all of that stuff that's not helpful.

Just to see if you could approach this relationship with yourself with compassion and kindness and being on your own side.

These situations that we're in are very common and we know that they are because we can see it in the people around us and we can see it in the people here.

It's hard to be adult,

Awake,

And not in the sense that we need to always be 100% mindful and hear,

Not to put that kind of pressure on ourselves.

Totally okay to get lost in Netflix or whatever it is we're using for distraction or soothing.

And we're also here to look at this because we have an interest and a commitment to living more fully and more authentically.

One of the real foundations of that is to be kind and compassionate with ourselves.

Notice that for a moment.

Let yourself kind of breathe that in.

You can put your hand on your heart if you want.

I'm on my own side.

This is hard.

I'm doing my best.

And as you think back through the practice,

The inquiry,

Notice if anything came to mind that you would like to bring forward.

So it might be,

Yes,

I'm going to talk to that person or I'm not going to spend so much time doing that or whatever it might be.

What was it that comes to mind for you?

And see if you could hold that kind of lightly,

Even though there's a deep commitment here to being truthful and connected and real within.

That we could also hold that with some lightness as well.

We don't have to power through it or be aggressive.

Just seeing it and allowing ourselves this patience and kindness for ourselves is really helpful.

Reviews

Such a powerful practice. Will be one I go back to on repeat. Thank you

I'm getting a lot of new knowledge in your work - particularly that is OK to open my eyes, tap my forehead, clasp my hands, touch my heart, deliberately changing my breathing pattern. I'm so used to trying to stay present with awareness of natural breathing, sensations, noting thoughts and bringing focus back on breath or sensations. Doing this while dealing with emotional storms, inner critic tirades, difficult memories, doubts, and sleepiness has sometimes been a struggle.
During your guided process I was aware that I'd just been about to fall asleep and feeling the judgement of my inner critic, but I allowed myself to do some of the things you suggest, and felt my nervous system relax. I confines to drift in and out of half sleep and had memories of people and places I had forgotten - some so fleeting that they seemed like dreams and I wonder if they were real. I have forgotten so much of the details of my life. I feel sad about that.
Thank you.