The Problem With Self-Improvement

In this informative talk, Lou shares counterintuitive wisdom that goes against the common self-improvement paradigm. You'll learn how to shift your focus from self-deficiency to wholeness. You'll learn a powerful question that offers a path to genuine self-worth and creativity without dependency on external achievements.

Transcript

Hello,

Welcome.

My name is Lew Redmond.

And today,

I'm here to say that there is a problem with the self-improvement coaching industry.

To backtrack,

I started working as a coach in 2019.

Until then,

I had been teaching yoga and meditation and training kids and school teachers on mindfulness.

While I was finding success,

Everything changed when I got into coaching.

It was as if the universe was waiting for me to open the door.

Over the years,

I continued to do coach trainings and seek one-on-one support.

If you're not receiving the medicine you're giving,

Something's off.

Put another way,

If your coach or therapist doesn't have a coach or therapist,

Run.

We constantly need to look at our blind spots,

No matter how far along the journey we are.

And by the way,

I am not very far.

In my training,

I learned from one of the premier coach training institutes in the world,

Coactive Coaching.

After that,

I explored more somatic modalities influenced by an organization called Everyman,

Where my teachers brought experience in somatic experiencing and Hakomi.

And more recently,

I have been on a new coaching journey,

Learning the skills of integral unfoldment with Aletheia.

What attracted me about Aletheia was the radical question that they base their work on.

What if nothing is missing?

Most coaching methods begin with the question of what's missing.

After identifying a goal,

A coach helps you close the gap between where you are and where you want to be.

The problem with this is that when you don't reach your goal,

It reinforces a sense of self-deficiency.

While seemingly innocent,

This is the self-improvement trap.

Because even when we get what we want,

We'll likely find somewhere else we don't feel satisfied.

Although well-intentioned,

Most self-improvement plans come from a fragmented place.

It's a part of us trying to compensate for a perceived lack.

The issue is our improvement projects can work.

We make a change,

Feel okay for a while,

But it's not sustaining.

It's not true freedom.

This shows up for me with achievement all the time.

There's a part of me that feels deficient,

Like I'm not quite there.

And to make that part go away,

I do something.

Maybe I post a blog.

Maybe I record a talk,

Like I'm doing right now,

Or a meditation,

Or I try to book another client.

When I do this and it goes well,

I feel good.

Yet eventually,

That fades and I need that hit of achievement again.

This can seem virtuous,

Yet underneath the striving lies something I'm not okay with.

A feeling that my value depends on external metrics.

And so the question is,

Well,

Is there another way to the self-improvement paradigm?

Can we feel a deep sense of self-worth and value without doing anything for it?

Can we still be creative without it coming from a sense of lack?

Absolutely.

And the creativity is so much more powerful.

You hit your goals faster and enjoy the process more.

And that is what I believe true coaching helps with.

And by working in this coaching style,

I realize that nothing is missing,

That I already have all the qualities of presence,

Love,

Compassion,

Calm,

Courage,

Strength,

Joy,

Freedom.

I am all of these right here and right now.

You don't have to do anything to attain these qualities.

You need to remove the obstacles getting in the way.

My teacher Steve March is the founder of Aletheia and the way that he calls coaching I love.

He calls it a dance of work and grace.

Grace is natural and effortless.

Grace wants to unfold and saturate our day-to-day life.

The problem is parts of us get in the way.

And when I say parts,

I mean many parts.

There might be a part of us that's afraid,

A part of us that thinks we're worthless,

A part of us that doesn't believe in ourselves,

Et cetera,

Et cetera.

Aletheia is influenced by internal family systems,

Which says that a normal adult likely has 40 to 60 distinct parts.

That is a lot of opportunity for distorting our connection to grace.

Many of these parts formed during childhood and created protective mechanisms we use to this day.

In yoga,

The energetic imprints of these parts is called samskaras and they block our natural flow of prana.

When prana is flowing,

Grace is effortless,

Synchronicity occurs,

And we put ourselves on the path that has been there all along.

A life of purposeful flow is what I want for me,

For you,

And for society.

Yet so few of us are there.

And so goes the endless need for improvement.

Does this self-improvement trap feel familiar to you?

Have you made changes yet still feel you need to make more changes to get there?

I encourage you to ask yourself,

What if nothing is missing?

Any resistance that comes up are fragmented parts of you,

And they point to the work there is to do so grace can unfold in your life.

And you might ask,

Lou,

Well,

Does this mean I no longer get better at anything or hit goals?

No.

This style of coaching is still coaching.

The paradigm shift is instead of working on a goal to be okay,

What if you first worked on being okay and then saw how that helped you attain your goal?

And so as a coach,

I still help people move forward and take action on what is important to them.

But what changes is how they take action.

Because when you no longer need something from the outside,

You take action from wholeness.

And this action brings more clarity in it.

It has more potency because it is coming from a deeper embodied place,

Not a superficial coping mechanism.

You have everything you need.

You are already whole,

Perfect,

And complete.

So today is really a big invitation to sit with that question,

What if nothing is missing?

See where it leads you.

See if you can connect with the source that has everything it already needs.

See if you can be an example of someone that's breaking out of the self-improvement paradigm and into the self-unfoldment paradigm.

Thank you so much for listening and for taking your precious time to spend it with me.

If you're wanting to do some more work around this,

I actually talk about this question in my course,

Your Daily Guide to Happiness and Fulfillment.

So you can explore this question and do a little practice around connecting to that felt sense of having everything you need.

I hope you enjoy it and I hope we get a chance to connect again very soon.

Reviews

Excellent! Thank you! I really appreciate this perspective.

Really enjoyed that, thank you

Totally resonates! totally resonates! So true! Well said!

A powerful question! I have been doing IFS therapy for 6 months and just learned today that some experts say we have 40-60 parts and that blew my mind and validated what I've been feeling but told myself just couldn't be true. Thank you.

Brilliant! I will look into that course you mentioned. Thanks and blessings 🙏🏼

I really enjoyed this and felt very comfortable and at ease with it 💝

This talk really says what I've been pondering now for awhile. So much of the self help industry makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Thank You.

Excellent! Reminds me that like Dorthy in The Wizzard of Oz, we are already whole and already had everything we neeeded after all. Thank you for your insights, Lou!

Really resonates! Thank you!

Love this! Great tip about the coach having a coach! I will remember that!