Learning From Your Triggers

A short talk that explores the status games we play. You will learn how to overcome inferior or superior thinking. We'll explore social dynamics and our instinctual drive to seek validation and approval from others. You will also learn how to use emotional triggers for insight and self-understanding.

Transcript

Hello,

Welcome.

My name is Lew Redman.

Thanks for listening to an Insight Timer premium track.

It's a gift to be able to share with you.

And today I want to share with you a little story that's going to point to the status games that we play and the separation that we create from others,

Often based on childhood imprints.

So what happens when you walk into a room of people you don't know?

If you're like me,

And mostly everyone,

You instinctually sense who or what feels safe.

Often it's people who look or act like us.

Then,

After learning more about the group,

We consciously or subconsciously decide where we fit in the scheme of things.

This social scanning is nothing to feel guilty about.

It's been hardwired for thousands of years of survival.

We're always playing these status games,

So it's crucial to be aware of them.

The issue with the status game is the insidious tendency to make oneself superior or inferior to others.

While on a holotropic breathwork workshop,

I found myself creating such a hierarchy.

I'm new to the holotropic community,

So I put those who have been breathing for decades above me.

In the holotropic universe,

They have status and I don't.

My pattern my whole life is to connect with people of status in order to boost my status.

So at breakfast one morning,

I saw someone I projected had high status.

She was around my age and had been doing this work for 18 years.

I saw her seated at a table alone,

So I grabbed my food and I sat across from her.

I left to get water and noticed that she moved her plate and sat at another table.

A feeling of rejection smacked me in the face.

Just like that,

I was in middle school again.

The cool girl doesn't like me.

I sat down.

I felt this rush of shame.

And luckily I've done enough work on myself to get curious.

Although I felt rejected,

Part of me smiled knowing that the retreat just got much more interesting.

When we got to our morning lecture,

I was seated in front of her and I thought about turning to her to express my feelings,

Which is a healthy way to kick stories in the butt.

I wanted to say to her,

I noticed that when you saw me put my plate in front of you,

You moved to another table.

I felt rejection and I made up a story that you don't like me.

Just as I was about to turn around,

She got my attention and asked me to move over.

And that was enough of a pattern interrupt that I didn't end up telling her,

Which I was glad because while it would have been a healthy way to communicate,

It would have stymied what I could have learned about myself for the next few days.

When triggered,

We have two choices.

One is to go outwards,

Make it about others,

Not us.

Vent our frustrations,

Blame people and play victim.

The other option is to go inwards.

Stay curious.

Ask what is familiar about the feeling?

What does this remind us of?

What is trying to wake up inside of me?

A strong emotional reaction is a signal from our unconscious that something needs to heal or wake up.

So I sat with the feeling of rejection and noticed how interesting it was to feel that someone didn't like me.

Thousands of strangers on the internet like me,

Or at least they like my work.

Yet here I am in a realm without status,

Feeling like a rejected 14 year old again.

Isn't life funny?

I continued the retreat.

Sure enough,

My projection got reinforced.

Every opportunity she had to sit next to me,

She went to another table.

I thought maybe she really doesn't like me.

I was almost certain of it.

My inner child protested.

I wanted to talk to her about it.

I planned to,

But the timing never lined up.

So instead I kept going inwards.

I played a game where I picked someone else who I hadn't connected with.

And I imagined how it would feel if that person did the same thing.

I realized that I wouldn't care for most people.

This included those that had status yet were much older than me.

A core part of what I was feeling was because the person was around my age.

If you're triggered by a stranger your age,

You might be dealing with a childhood projection.

Heck,

Most of our projections we're dealing with our childhood,

Whether it's about our age or not,

But it's something to consider.

In my youth,

I badly wanted to fit in with the cool crowd.

And this caused me to leave people who cared about me to be associated with a higher status.

Aha,

There's a huge pattern for me.

I realize how often I seek attention from those who don't matter rather than giving my attention to those who do.

I'm a seeker in every way.

There is a thrill in chasing what I don't have.

This deludes me and makes me forego gratitude and appreciation for everything I do have.

As the workshop continued,

I did my second breathwork session and I used this question to breathe into.

Why do I want attention from those who don't matter instead of giving my attention to those who do?

It's a pattern I want to break.

How?

I breathe into it.

I remember what is it that actually matters.

I have compassion for that little boy that just wanted to connect and fit in.

I hug him.

I offer him love and support.

He didn't want to feel alone.

He just wanted to be accepted by others.

My breathwork,

It ended up taking me in another direction,

But the lesson of needing validation and approval prevailed.

I wanted to tell the woman,

But the universe continually directed the week in a way that didn't allow it.

Toward the end of the workshop,

I played with making a new story.

Well,

What if the opposite were true?

Instead of her not liking me,

What if she is attracted to me and is just too nervous to talk to me?

My ego likes that story a lot more.

Here is where the polarity of this question doesn't quite work.

And I have another track on here called three life-changing questions to ask yourself,

Where I ask a powerful question of what if the opposite were true?

And this is to help people get out of their limiting beliefs.

But in this case,

It's not quite working because inferior and superior are two sides of the same coin.

Just as I must do my work to rid the less than projections,

I must also do it on the more than side.

So the retreat ends.

I never ended up telling her and it doesn't really matter because it had nothing to do with her.

When strangers trigger you,

It has nothing to do with that person.

It has everything to do with something inside of you.

Triggers and projections are two fertile of grounds for inner work.

And as I've learned over years of doing work on myself,

I don't see reality.

I see my mind's distorted projections of its past biases,

Fears,

And hopes.

Our work is not to change the distortions to make them hit our stuff less.

It's to polish the light of awareness,

To see reality clearly.

That is the true work of spirit.

And what blows my mind is at the end of this,

We go around the circle and everyone says goodbye.

And I tell this woman that I was bummed that we really never got a chance to connect.

And her response was,

Yeah,

I felt we had a kindred spirit.

Thanks so much for listening to this.

I know I was confused at that response as well.

Let me know what you thought of this track.

Leave a comment.

I love getting a chance to hear from you.

I hope this helped you to reflect on your own journey,

Where these projections,

Where these triggers show up and really want to encourage you to continue to go inwards before you make it outwards,

Before you make it about someone else.

Always ask,

What is trying to wake up inside of me?

How can I learn from this?

I send you so much support as you keep doing your work on your journey.

And if you want to do more work around transforming your triggers,

I have another talk on Insight Timer that you can find called Transforming Your Triggers.

And I also have in my course,

21 Days of Morning Motivation and Inspiration,

I have a day where we work on transforming triggers.

So it is a powerful way to work through these things that come up.

So I hope that you find that helpful.

And I also have another meditation that's going to be titled similar to this one,

That you can find it should be a newer Insight Timer premium track as well.

So lots of ways to go deeper.

If you want to stay connected with me,

Please check out my circle,

Lew's Circle.

And that's a great place to be notified of new tracks and events that are coming up.

So lots of love to you.

Thanks for listening.

And we'll chat soon.

Reviews

Loved listening to your storey Lou! I’m a total people pleaser and would have been crushed had she done that to me and made up stories in my head all week why she doesn’t like me. We truly cannot control other people only ourselves and I’m constantly reminding myself of that, even though I feel like I constantly fail! She simply could have said, “I hope you don’t mind but I would like to eat my lunch alone today” and then got up and left. I wonder if maybe later on during the retreat, she might have reached out to chat to you. I suppose it is her loss… thank you! 🙏🙏

I really liked this, you have opened my eyes to somethings I had never thought of. Thank you

I felt rejected right along with you Lou. I remember even in college “who was I going to sit with at meal time” was a big anxiety provoked. To take the initiative and then have her move her place? Honestly very immature on her part. I wonder if you hadn’t gotten up from the table if she would’ve stayed. Sorry her behavior was rude.

Trigger recognition is definitely a game changer in our inner work. Awesome talk!

Awesome!

I really enjoyed this talk. It was helpful to be reminded that for every negative thought there is a positive one as well.

Craving more of your beautiful insight.