Uncovering The Wisdom In Anger

On the surface, anger can feel volatile, scary, and sometimes even shameful. But when we take the time to make space and listen to what anger has to say, what we often find underneath anger is a fierce love for our safety, our dignity, our boundaries, and our wholeness. This track includes a short talk about anger followed by IFS-informed writing prompts to help you understand the positive intentions behind your anger and to then also begin to understand how to better meet your emotional needs so that your anger can soften and relax.

Transcript

Let's spend some time with the powerful emotion of anger.

Anger is often misunderstood.

It can feel overwhelming,

Scary,

Sometimes shameful.

Here in this space,

I'm going to invite you to try a different approach,

To consider exploring anger with curiosity and compassion and opening an internal space to listen to the messages it's trying to give you about how it may be trying to protect you and what it might need from you in order to feel safe and soften.

This track will be a little talk and then a little expressive writing practice.

So now is a good time to grab your favorite writing supplies,

A journal or a notebook,

A pen or a pencil.

And know that when we get into the writing portion of this session,

You'll likely want to pause the recording to give yourself space to reflect and respond.

So the time that it takes you to complete this session will probably be more than the total recording time.

You can always come back to it if you run out of time.

So let's get started and talk a little bit about anger.

Anger,

As all emotions,

Is not just a reaction.

It's a messenger.

Anger shows up when the brain perceives a threat.

That threat might be physical,

Emotional or moral,

And it may be real or imagined.

When a threat is perceived,

The brain releases stress hormones to prepare us to defend and protect ourselves.

Awareness sharpens,

Reaction time speeds up,

And for a brief time,

The logical part of the brain steps back.

When this happens,

It's important to remember that it's not a sign that something is wrong with you.

This is a built-in survival response designed to protect you.

Anger is part of your internal safety system.

Sometimes it comes out loudly and sometimes it simmers beneath the surface.

However it shows up,

It's trying to help you,

Even if the expression feels messy or uncomfortable.

At its core,

Anger is often trying to protect something important.

It may be trying to keep you from being hurt,

Especially if you've been hurt before,

Trying to help you reclaim your sense of power.

It may be trying to help you establish or reinforce boundaries.

Or it might be shielding you from more vulnerable emotions like sadness or fear or shame.

Unfortunately,

These positive intentions often get lost in the way anger shows up.

Instead of setting healthy boundaries,

Anger might come across as harsh,

Stubborn,

Or unyielding.

It can hurt others,

Physically or emotionally,

And it can cut us off from connection by signaling to others that we don't want them close to us or that we are not safe to be close to.

These unintended consequences are part of what gives anger such a bad name.

Anger's quick,

Volatile nature can leave us feeling out of control,

Frustrated,

Embarrassed,

And even afraid of ourselves sometimes.

To complicate matters,

Most of us didn't grow up learning how to have a healthy relationship with anger.

Instead,

We picked up strategies to manage,

Suppress,

Or redirect it,

Which may work in the short term,

But rarely lead to true understanding or healing.

More often,

We find ourselves repeating old patterns where anger gets buried,

Only to have it resurface again and again.

I like the comparison of anger to a teapot on the stove.

It can only take so much heat before the pressure builds and the whistle blows.

And while it might seem like blowing off steam is a good release,

Pure venting without reflection often causes harm—a burn,

If you will—reinforcing the belief that anger is dangerous or destructive.

Other common strategies,

Like distracting ourselves or shaming ourselves,

Also tend to backfire.

Distraction only lasts until the distraction is gone.

And shame creates an internal conflict,

A feeling of needing to banish a part of ourselves.

And these disconnections only deepen our pain,

Which,

Ironically,

Is the very thing anger is usually trying to protect us from.

So what's a better way to work with anger?

Instead of pushing it away or letting it explode,

We can learn to listen to it.

We can ask,

What is this anger trying to protect?

What does it need from me right now?

Just as a disclaimer,

This doesn't mean giving anger free reign.

It means respecting its presence,

Hearing its message,

And responding from a place of centered compassion.

Anger is deeply devoted to protecting you.

It's trying to keep you safe.

And underneath its intensity,

It often carries wisdom about what matters to you and how you want to be treated.

With that in mind,

Let's move into the writing practice.

Start by taking a few deep breaths at your own pace.

Slowly in,

Slowly out,

Letting yourself fully arrive in this moment.

Feel your body supported in your seat,

Knowing that you're safe enough to explore,

To feel,

And to write.

It may be helpful to bring to mind a situation that elicits a sense of anger within you.

I recommend starting at something that is lower or middle range.

So on a scale of one to 10,

Start with a three or a four to give yourself time to acclimate to this process.

And when you have something in mind,

Turn towards your anger,

Not to diffuse or settle it,

But rather to feel into it and to take notice.

We're not necessarily writing just yet,

Still simply opening up and welcoming this emotion.

Just noticing where anger resides in your body.

What kinds of sensations or thoughts or images are arising?

Just getting a good feel for this anger.

And now I'll offer a few prompts to help you give voice to your anger.

I encourage you to write freely without editing.

Don't overthink,

Just let your pen move.

You don't have to keep what you write.

You don't have to share it with anyone.

It's purely an outlet.

You can pause the recording after each prompt to give yourself all the time you need.

Let's begin.

I feel angry because.

.

.

Other times in the past when I have felt anger like this include.

.

.

If I could let anger say what it really feels,

I would say.

.

.

What I wish people understood about my anger is.

.

.

Underneath my anger is.

.

.

What I wish someone had said or done was.

.

.

Or what I wish I had said or done was.

.

.

Take a deep breath.

And let it go.

You've just given voice to something that may have been bottled up for a long time.

And that's a profound act of courage.

Thank yourself for showing up,

For not filtering,

And for letting these feelings be expressed.

And now let's gently shift into another way of listening to help us better understand what anger may be trying to offer.

Take a moment to connect with your anger again.

But this time,

Instead of hearing your anger as your own voice,

Imagine as if you were the calming source,

Guiding and diffusing.

It may be helpful to bring to mind someone from your past or current support system who helps you to be calm,

Who listens to you without judgment.

It may even be helpful to think of your anger as a child who needs attention and guidance.

Maybe even seeing the anger as a younger version of you,

And who is being gently parented by this current,

Wiser version of yourself.

When you have that image in mind,

Let's walk through these next prompts,

Which are questions for your anger designed to help you reframe and uncover the wisdom beneath the emotion.

Again,

Pause the recording if you'd like more time with any of these.

Asking your anger.

What do you need from me so that you feel safe and able to relax?

Take another breath.

Deeply in and a big sigh out.

And again,

Thank yourself for taking the time for this inner dialogue.

Anger carries important information.

When we meet it with curiosity rather than judgment,

We can often begin to shift our relationship with it.

We stop reacting and start responding.

We stop silencing and start listening.

And often what we find underneath the anger isn't just pain.

It's love.

A fierce love for our safety,

For our dignity,

For our boundaries,

And our wholeness.

When we look at it this way,

It doesn't feel bad or shameful at all.

It's just a human experience in need of a calm and loving presence to guide it to be expressed in ways that we and others can more easily understand.

As you continue to move through your day,

I invite you to stay open when anger shows up.

Take a deep breath,

Pause,

And ask,

What is this anger trying to protect me from?

What does it need from me right now?

The answers you get will probably show you that anger is not your enemy.

It's a guide.

One that wants to help you heal.

Let anger's flame illuminate not the path to destruction,

But the road that leads you home to your ever-wise and tender heart.

Reviews

Excellent exercise to examine a specific anger trigger and process it. I plan to use this offering as needed.

I usually suppress my anger because I‘m afraid of it. This meditation is so helpful to look it in the eye!