Honoring Grief For Someone Who Is Still Living

When we grieve the loss of a relationship with someone who is still living, there can be feelings of incompleteness and lack of closure. Offering ourselves space to honor the pain we are feeling helps us to release clinging and resistance, and opens the door to self-compassion and understanding our heart's deepest needs.

This meditation was written specifically for grief of a person who is still living, but this process applies to honoring grief of all kinds. Feel free to change the wording in your mind to support your individual grieving process, whatever that may be.

Transcript

When we speak of grief,

We most often think of it related to the death of a loved one.

But death is not the only precursor to grief.

We can experience grief with any loss or change of circumstances.

We experience grief when we get divorced,

Or move,

Or even when good changes come our way,

Such as when we have a baby and feel a longing for the freedom of our lives before becoming a parent,

Or when we retire and grieve the sense of meaning and connection we felt in our jobs.

In those cases,

Feeling grief doesn't mean that we don't love and appreciate the new pieces of our lives.

We can be happy about change and also mourn the passing of what used to be.

The experience of grief outside the death of a loved one is sometimes not as easily recognized by ourselves or by the other people in our lives.

This is called disenfranchised grief,

And it happens when the circumstances around our feelings of grief don't fit with our culture's idea of what grief is.

Disenfranchised grief has many of the same qualities as grieving after a death,

And it can also be compounded by the feelings of judgment or shame by ourselves or by others that stem from not fully understanding the causes and depths of our grief.

Grieving for a person who is still living falls into this category.

Whether you are estranged as a parent or child,

Going through a romantic breakup or the loss of a deep friendship,

Or any other severing of ties with someone who held a meaningful role in your life,

When that person is still alive,

The people around us may not understand the depth of our grieving.

In some cases,

We may even have others telling us that we're better off without the person,

Which,

While intended well most often,

Usually just makes us feel less understood and less likely to reach out for help.

Unlike with the death of a loved one,

When we grieve for someone who is still living,

There's a lack of closure.

We may feel like we can't close the door to the relationship,

Holding on to hope of the other person coming back into our lives,

Or that there might be a resolution someday.

We may feel like we can't talk about our grief for any number of reasons.

The hurt is too deep,

There's shame connected to the split,

People in our lives don't support the relationship or don't understand our feelings or expect us to move on.

We may try to shut down our emotions or to talk ourselves out of what we're feeling,

Or we could internalize our pain,

Still feeling it very deeply but also feeling very isolated in our grief,

Trying to fix the wounds by ourselves.

And when we're in a loop of hurting with no outlet to validate and vent,

Instead of healing our wounds,

The grief grows.

But here's the thing.

Grief isn't healed in the sense that we eventually stop feeling it.

It ebbs and flows like all emotions.

We don't get rid of it.

In fact,

Sometimes the more we try to get rid of it,

The bigger it becomes.

So what do we do with it?

How do we move through life with grief,

Especially grief that feels incomplete or unrecognized?

There's no simple answer to that.

But I do have a practice that helps me to be with the pain when it arises.

And the crux of the practice is that we don't let it go.

We let it be instead.

We let it be and we explore what it means to us so we can honor this deeply human experience.

It's in the allowing and the honoring that we find true healing,

Which isn't an absence of pain,

But is rather the understanding and appreciation of our beautifully tender hearts.

If you're ready,

Let's walk through this practice together now.

Take a moment to get centered,

Taking a few breaths at your own pace,

Seeing if you can make the out-breath just a bit longer than the in-breath.

Notice your body in this moment.

Bring your attention to the sensations in your toes and feet,

And then to your legs.

Feel the surface beneath you,

The weight of your body safely held by gravity.

Watch the gentle rise and fall of your belly as you breathe.

And then notice how your chest also expands and contracts in sync with the breath and the belly.

Feel into your neck and shoulders,

Maybe gently rolling them to release tension.

Notice your face.

Is your brow furrowed?

Are you squeezing the muscles around your eyes?

Can you invite relaxation here?

Could you let your thoughts know that they can rest for this moment?

Just for now,

You don't need to think or to do anything.

No one needs you right this second.

Just for this moment,

Give yourself permission to relax.

Now in whatever way feels right to you,

Bring to mind the grief you are carrying,

Maybe picturing the person or recalling a time together.

And instead of attaching thoughts or a storyline to your grief,

Simply notice where you feel it in your body.

What sensations stand out?

Now,

Not trying to fix it or to get rid of it.

Just see if you can open yourself to it.

Imagine this sensation floating freely wherever you experience it,

As if your arms are gently outstretched,

Your palms open,

Allowing it to be present without interference,

Without judgment.

This might feel intense,

And that's okay.

Try not to fight or brace against it.

Allow it to run freely through you like a current,

Breathing deeply and slowly around it,

Creating a space for it.

And then,

When it feels comfortable,

You could ask this sensation,

Ask your grief,

If there's anything it wants you to know or anything it wants to show you.

Try not to think of an answer.

Instead,

Wait with an open mind and an open heart for whatever arises.

You may get words or a memory or an image.

Anything that comes to you is perfect.

If nothing arises,

That's okay.

Maybe the silence is what you need.

Or maybe it would be helpful to come back to this process a few more times.

Sometimes we need to steep in the invitation of opening for a while before we are truly ready to open.

And if that's the case for you,

Just honor that need right now.

If you were shown something,

What does it mean to you?

How is it connected to the grief you are feeling?

Again,

It's okay if you don't know the answer to this question right away.

The answer may come to you over the next few hours or days,

Or you may need to come back to the question.

The most important part of this process is the patience and opening that we bring to our individual needs and timing.

So if you're not getting answers,

I invite you to just offer yourself kindness right now and to be gentle with your aching heart.

I'll be quiet for a moment and allow you to connect.

What does what you were shown mean to you?

How is it connected to your grief?

And then if it feels right,

You could ask,

What do I need?

What does this grief need?

Right now or in the future?

And again,

Not thinking an answer,

Just waiting with open arms and an open heart to hear your deepest need.

Sometimes it feels like we can't give ourselves what we need,

And that is part of the pain we carry.

But take a moment now to consider ways that you could meet the needs your grief has expressed.

For example,

I can't get my person back.

I can't make her talk to me.

I won't hug her again.

But I can sit with this sadness,

With the longing,

And I can honor the love that it stems from with sincere gratitude.

I can offer myself the words I long to hear as if I am talking to a dear friend.

I will still be sad,

And that's okay.

I will allow this sadness to run through me as it should,

As the natural byproduct of losing a loved one.

All relationships end,

Whether by death or breakup or attrition,

People growing apart.

Many of those endings are painful.

Validating the pain as well as the joy that preceded it is how we move from unhealthy stagnation into the natural,

Healthy rhythm of life.

How can you validate and honor the needs of your grief?

What small or large gestures can you offer your beautifully tender heart?

Before we end,

I invite you to acknowledge your dedication to yourself for showing up here and for taking the time to look deep within at the raw and aching parts of you.

This is not easy work.

It takes a lot of love to meet the hurt within us with compassion and understanding.

Thank yourself for your kindness and your care.

And if that feels difficult,

Maybe you can accept my thanks,

My gratitude,

For your willingness to lovingly hold your pain and to allow me into the sacred space within.

From my heart to yours,

May love soothe your ache.

Reviews

Amazing and beautiful acknowledgement of this kind of grief. You have helped me a lot! Thank you so much xoxoxo

Thank you for sharing these essential reflection that even in the face of grief there is so much room for love. This short meditation gives one permission to be with what is- I am the caretaker for my elderly father who will be departing this amazing world soon and this meditation gave me solace. Thank you.

Thank you, a very helpful meditation to help that tender part of my hurting heart. ❤️‍🩹

I stumbled on this meditation this morning. Yesterday I had just spoken to a longtime friend about someone we both deeply care for and have loved for at least 30 years, who is being lost to us and to himself through Louis Body dementia. he was not just a friend but had originally been my Akedo Sensai, someone who has changed so many lives including mine. I live 2000 km away – I can no longer phone him or reach him directly, let alone hug him. I am sad that I cannoti n some way tangible to him comfort him and I am deeply pained by the loss of this beautiful human being who is still alive, bbut in a way that I don’t understand. Thank you for this meditation it has been very helpful in opening the door to a way forward. I don’t know the answers yet but at least I’ve been able to ask the questions.

This was exactly what I needed today. What a true blessing this mediation and you are. Empty nesting is a new challenge in my life.

Excellent for processing the grief that comes with loss of a relationship

Incredibly moving. Helpful for dealing with the pain.