Hi,
My name is Karen.
I know that you're hurting and that's why I created this meditation.
I know what it's like to hurt so much,
So very deeply,
That it hurts to breathe.
And it's really easy when you're in this place of pain and hurt to believe that you're the only one who has ever had to experience it.
So here is something to hold on to.
I'm finding it kind of hard to breathe right now too.
That means that there are at least two of us trying to remember how to breathe.
And if there are two of us,
There have got to be more,
Because that is the human experience.
Suffering is part of the human experience.
Healing from emotional pain is scary.
It asks us to become undone,
To drop our masks and see ourselves plainly,
Naked in our fear,
Dropping our old habits and patterns.
It demands ownership and honesty.
It requires forgiveness of self and ultimately others.
It requires us to step into that place of transformation,
Letting go our want to judge,
To excuse or to explain or to blame.
But that is the starting point of healing.
And with unwavering honesty,
Compassion and grace,
We can work through our pain and begin to heal.
If any of this resonates with you,
Find a place that is quiet,
A place where you feel safe.
Arrange yourself in a way that is as comfortable as you are able to be.
Eyes can be opened or closed.
Let's take a moment to check in.
Notice any thoughts,
Any emotions,
Any sensations in your body.
Know that it's okay to feel numb,
To feel detached from yourself and what you know yourself to be.
This can be a coping mechanism.
You're doing your best just to stay here for a few moments in this space.
You can do this.
It will be hard,
But you have everything you need within you.
It's always been there.
You just forgot.
See if you can become aware of your breath.
Where do you feel it?
As you breathe in?
As you breathe out?
Where does it feel most vivid in a physical sense?
At the tip of your nose?
Your nostrils or nasal passageways?
Your throat?
Can you feel your breath in your chest?
Feeling your ribcage expand as you breathe in?
Or perhaps your belly?
Breathing in,
Your belly swells.
Breathing out,
Your belly falls.
Just rest for a few moments.
Let your body breathe.
Let it breathe for you.
If you find thoughts distracting you from observing your breath,
Kindly acknowledge the thought without judging the thought or pursuing it.
Then bring your focus back to each breath in,
Each breath out.
That's all that we're doing for now.
Simply breathing.
As you breathe in,
Opening up spaces,
You may find pockets of discomfort.
You don't need to do anything with them.
Simply acknowledge that they are present and keep returning to your breath.
Not trying to lengthen a breath or slow a breath.
Just allow yourself to rest in each breath.
Breathing in and breathing out.
Notice how different each breath can feel.
Trust your body.
It will take in as much breath as it needs.
And notice how the body responds with each out breath.
Remember,
You can't rush healing.
You must move with great patience and compassion.
And there are moments when you will require courage.
The courage to be still.
To hold space for this pain that you feel.
In observing your breath,
You're allowing yourself to become mindful.
Continue to let your breath be the sole object of focus for a moment.
And let's see if you can invite a space of compassion.
Compassion drawing in with each breath.
Breathing in and opening up space.
As you continue to breathe,
Invite whatever is present in you to step forward.
Bring a space of compassion to gently hold this hurt.
Each breath opening more and more as best you can.
A space of kindness.
Simply making a space and shining a light to see what's there a little better.
Take a deep breath in,
As deep as you are able,
And then hold the breath for two seconds.
Let the breath move slowly out of your body.
This hurt that you're experiencing happened yesterday or years ago.
Let's see what's there,
Together.
Perhaps it feels like a tangled knot of emotions,
Hard to separate.
But we can patiently,
With love and kindness,
Begin to bring space into this knot of hurt and subsequent trauma.
To try to assign blame or to interpret the story.
Just acknowledge the hurt.
We can't change what was,
But we can see the seed of our pain.
And we can separate the first hurt from the subsequent trauma that followed.
Can you see that what you hoped for,
What you thought to be true and permanent,
Your expectations collapsed?
Your expectations of others and yourself would not be realized?
See that moment of first recognizing that you lost something.
Was it your sense of safety?
Your feeling of worth?
Believing that your most basic needs might not be met?
Was there an attempt to interpret underlying intentions?
Did you feel betrayed?
Did you betray yourself or your integrity?
And no matter how many hours,
Weeks,
Months,
Years you spent ruminating over what might have been said,
Actions that could have been taken,
Red flags that were missed,
Who said what to whom,
Words left unspoken,
Nothing can make sense of your disappointment.
But disappointment is simply your brain accepting the reality of what is,
Not matching up with what you thought it should be.
And there may be no blame to deflect or shoulder.
There are random moments of life over which you have no control,
Put into motion without even the slightest notion of your path.
What you are looking at right now is just a part of the history of you.
It is not the full story of you,
But your future story will be chosen by you.
And the pain that you endured didn't just leave a scar on you,
It also gave you greater wisdom and empathy.
It gave you the opportunity for growth.
It doesn't need to define you.
You're caught somewhere in the seven stages of grief.
Shock,
Denial,
Anger,
Bargaining,
Depression,
Acceptance and hope.
And finally,
The processing of grief.
And there is only one way to move forward,
And that is to move through each of the stages.
Grief is not limited to the loss of a loved one.
You have lost something that was precious to you.
You must give yourself the time you need to shift into acceptance and hope,
And ultimately the processing of the hurt you feel now.
When you are faced in that moment with the realization that what you thought was your reality,
It was taken from you,
Was rendered lost,
But now you have an opportunity to give a beautiful gift of compassion to yourself.
You are giving yourself the opportunity to grieve what cannot be and all that it meant to you.
You are allowed to feel angry,
Scared,
Lost,
Overwhelmed,
And any and every emotion,
But you must give yourself whatever time you need to sit with your pain.
It is the only way to process the hurt.
So cry your eyes out,
Howl at the moon,
And rest,
Rest.
Allow yourself distraction when it feels to be too much,
And then when you are able,
Come to the stillness of your breath.
Sit by the lake or look up into the myriad stars at night.
Stand still in nature and listen to the trees as their leaves dance in the wind.
Let it open you up.
Let your hurt open up to you.
We shed light upon the monsters we create,
And seeing them clearly,
We can see that no matter how big they feel to us,
That we are looking at the very monster that we have survived.
You are still standing.
You have so much joy and laughter and purpose ahead of you.
And while it may not happen today,
There will come a time when you will be surprised by your own smile.
There will be a day that you will step outside into the sunlight and you will lift your face upward and know that the sun is shining just for you.
Namaste.
