Episode three.
Parentification.
When you became the parent too soon.
Welcome back.
Today we're going to explore a tender,
Often overlooked part of the mother wound.
Something many of us have experienced without even knowing it had a name.
It's called parentification.
Maybe you haven't heard that word before,
But your body remembers it.
Remembers the weight of it.
The way you stepped in,
Showed up and held it all together.
Long before you should have had to.
If you've ever felt more like a parent than a child in your own home,
This episode is for you.
Let's begin by naming what parentification actually is.
It's a form of role reversal where a child,
Instead of being nurtured,
Ends up taking care of the emotional and physical needs of their parent.
This isn't just the typical helping out that's normal in most families.
This goes deeper.
It's emotional burden placed on young shoulders too early and often invisibly.
It can show up in many ways.
Maybe you were the emotional caretaker,
Listening to your mother's worries,
Calming her fears,
Absorbing her sadness like a sponge.
Maybe you were the peacemaker,
Walking on eggshells,
Trying to keep the peace,
Afraid that if you didn't hold it together,
Everything would fall apart.
Perhaps you were the strong one,
The one who always coped,
Always smiled,
Always stayed steady for everyone else.
Or maybe you were the stand-in partner,
Someone your mother leaned on for emotional support,
Confiding in you in ways that felt far too adult.
And through all of this,
Your own needs quietly slipped into the background.
Imagine that.
You're still learning how to tie your shoes,
How to express your feelings,
How to understand your feelings,
How to feel safe in your own skin,
And already you're carrying someone else's world.
That's not just overwhelming,
It's unfair.
Having said that,
It's also so,
So common among those who carry the mother wound.
Let me share some examples to bring this into focus and make it a bit more real.
Maybe your mother came home in tears or completely shut down,
And instead of being comforted,
You became the one doing the comforting.
Maybe the air in your home always felt heavy or unpredictable,
And you learned how to read the room like a radar,
Adjusting both your energy and your behaviour to avoid setting anyone off.
Maybe you were sad or angry or scared,
But you stuffed those feelings down because your nervous system had already decided there's no space for you here.
That moment when your own emotions start to feel dangerous or inconvenient is often the moment parentification begins.
When you become a caregiver,
Before you finished being a child,
Your nervous system wires itself around one belief,
And that belief is,
My needs come last.
You learn to stay small so others can feel big.
You become hyper-aware of everyone else's emotional temperature.
You turn into the one who absorbs,
Anticipates,
Adjusts,
Often to the point of exhaustion.
And here's the truth.
You didn't choose this.
It wasn't your fault.
It was a survival strategy,
A brilliant one,
A necessary one,
But now it's safe to lay it down.
Many high-achieving women I work with carry this hidden layer of anxiety,
The kind that doesn't look messy from the outside.
You're the go-to person.
You're reliable.
You keep it together.
But inside,
There's a quiet panic,
A sense that if you drop one ball,
The whole thing might come crashing down.
That's not a personality flaw.
That's a pattern rooted in parentification.
You become the expert at managing stress,
Fixing problems and making everyone else feel okay,
Because that's how you kept yourself safe in childhood.
Now,
As an adult,
It shows up as high-functioning anxiety.
It feels like a constant pressure.
It feels like perfectionism,
Overthinking and guilt,
Especially when you try to rest or say no.
Let's pause here for a moment.
Close your eyes.
And if it feels safe,
Go through these next three questions with me.
Where are there moments when you felt more like your mother's counsellor or confidant than her daughter?
Did you learn to suppress your own feelings so you wouldn't upset anyone else?
When was the last time you felt safe enough to need something without guilt?
Let whatever comes up be okay.
No judgment,
Just soft awareness.
If any part of this resonated,
Know this.
You don't have to be the caretaker anymore.
Not in your family,
Not in your relationships,
Not even with yourself.
Your job now is to care for you.
This work,
This healing,
It's about repainting your inner child,
Giving her the safety,
Validation and the freedom that she didn't get back then.
And you're already doing that by listening,
By reflecting,
By choosing this path.
Thank you for being here today.
Thank you for showing up,
Not just for this episode,
But for yourself.
Your younger self,
The one who carried far too much,
Deserves to be seen.
She deserves to feel safe now.
And you're giving her that moment by moment.
In our next episode,
We'll gently explore the emotional impact of carrying this responsibility and what those unmet needs might still be trying to tell you.
Until then,
Take care of yourself and of your heart.
