We Became Totally Willing To Abandon Patterns That Hurt

This is a talk on step 6 of 12. The step is originally "we became entirely ready to have god remove these defects of character".

I share my experience with this step, and offer a view that is based not on an external God removing things from me, but on loving effort.

The talk also considered that maybe, just maybe, we are not defective to begin with.

Transcript

All right,

So step six says We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character so right away I want to say that if you're hearing this and you know,

Whatever you're at this point of the series or whatever You're not defective.

You're not broken.

There's nothing wrong with you And I'm saying this knowing full well that you might have some wildly serious to seemingly moderate addictions compulsions Bad habits having done things that have hurt people in various ways You're not broken.

You're not defective You know,

There are some people in the old tradition might just say like well,

These are just words,

You know It's just the language they used So we have pulled this tradition and we keep using these words like defect defects and whatnot Yeah,

No,

Sure.

They're just words,

But we have better words You know,

I'm a word person.

I'm a I'm a writer in my Part as a hobby.

I'm a writer.

I don't want to give the impression that I'm some professional writer here start a whole thing,

But I Think words important,

You know,

We have so many words available to us and we have ones that are The right word for the right purpose,

You know So I think something like saying Adaptive mechanisms Coping strategies rather than defects of character And you know,

There's also something to be said about Defects of character,

There's something very permanent about that idea,

Isn't it?

It suggests that there is this permanent defect of your solidly defined character something that is inherently you And I personally reject that Entirely,

You know,

Like I'm someone that follows Buddhism and in Buddhist practice is yeah One of the three characteristics of existence is is a not which is non not self You know,

This is commonly confused with the idea of no self which is kind of just like a belief or an idea that often people adopt because it's But the idea of not self is a very practical tool Because when you you know when and I'll use it in the context of defects Of adaptive mechanisms and To flesh this out a little bit so we look at you know one of my One of my I have a few core Mechanisms and one of them is pride Yes,

If I look at this pride Sometimes it's present Sometimes it's not at all,

You know,

Some people would say like,

Oh,

It's just like it's there but it's hibernating or it's always there But you just don't see it and that's like,

You know,

That's one viewpoint.

Sure But like based on this idea that there is no solid self that the Buddha taught.

I believe that just like Sometimes the conditions arise that pride is present and Other times that's not present.

So it just it doesn't exist currently You know because if myself is actually just a fluid process,

Which I believe it is Then there is no truth to that solid Steady static character.

I think this also makes room At least it does for me to really believe that I can be free of these things You know because one and especially from a place of not needing divine intervention,

You know Because you know the step was written in the 30s.

These people were often very monotheist based,

You know the Judaic religious structures believing that a Deity would you know by force of supernatural power?

Take your Unchangeable character and change it make you make you new,

You know as they say he made me new,

You know,

And That really seems to have been the case for some people it seems Many others I've encountered say that like,

You know He he took the defect and then he came back or they'll say he took the defect and I took it back you know suggesting this kind of like interplay between God and self and so my belief is that I have karma,

Kama in the Pali and and basically karma is that Cause and effect and and momentum,

You know,

These are the simplest ways to explain karma and based on all my past actions Arguably actions of past lives,

But I that's irrelevant to this conversation Based on my past actions.

I have a certain amount of momentum and going in a certain direction So for a long time,

I had a lot of momentum propelling me compelling me towards using drugs Towards using sex towards using food towards trying to control people Had a lot of momentum in that direction and then you know when I so of course when I tried to apply the brakes and stop doing these things there's still a lot of forward momentum,

So it felt like you know,

I often like the the image of like Go running at a full speed and then just like trying to abruptly stop How would that look,

You know,

It would probably look like someone falling flat on their face,

You know like so typically like in that case you you slowly Run slower than walk and then stop right and That's and although like I you know,

Like eventually with drug use I did stop and not return to it,

You know over 10 years ago but it took me seven years to get to that point of trying to stop and then Starting again and stopping for a little bit longer and starting again stopping for a little bit longer So in truth,

There's just all this momentum with all these patterns of patterns of habit adaptive mechanisms There's all this pride momentum but that doesn't mean that it's a Stable fixed part of my character.

It's just that I haven't slowed down enough yet for it to completely disappear and There's so much momentum that it will let it sometimes arises again.

I Find this I find this an encouraging way to look at these things I find this encouraging because again with you know,

Like with the way I view it You know like there is there is of course a component of power outside of myself in in this process as the earlier steps said But the power is also connected to my my input my effort.

I have to Want and apply energy towards change For it to happen in my life I don't I don't believe that it's just that I I wish for this to happen and and some external force changes me I believe that I act in new ways.

So and I act with humility and so for me like the Pride is is really like being overly concerned with the way other people see me the other the opinions of others to me.

That's pride You know getting wrapped up and how other people view me,

Right?

So you know to just move in a new direction right to a big part of this as someone who's got deep codependency is to Validate myself affirm myself,

You know because that that diminishes my pride because I was so dependent on getting validation from other people that if I you know,

Sometimes I People would give it to me sometimes and then when they didn't I would I would be feel empty Because I was so dependent on them.

My pride was hurt.

They would tell they took it away now So instead learning to validate myself Was this was this moving in another direction telling myself?

Oh,

Hey,

Dude,

You're doing well.

You're good at this This is good work.

Hey,

Look at that.

You did an act of generosity today Good job things like this and Then you know like just the process of engaging further in these these tools and these steps Living a new way that diminishes my old way that changes my momentum So all that being said,

You know returning to the what the step says is that we became entirely ready to have God remove the patterns So it's not actually asking us yet to do anything in this step except become willing and So willingness is often a principle associated with this step.

Honesty is associated with it Humility is associated with it.

And so the key part is you know like really taking a look at some of these patterns and It's very much like step one was,

You know We looked at the behavior that we wanted to change and we examined all the ways in which it was making our life Unmanageable unbearable untenable and Use that as motivation to go forth To generate willingness to let go to walk in a new direction Step six is very much like this as well You know for me like things like I said pride arrogance pugnacity Which isn't a very familiar word a lot of time and it just means wanting to fight everybody all the time Wanting to argue deeply wanted to argue lust So identifying these and there's many others.

That's just a few of my kind of really core ones I found that there are a few patterns that kind of can be the linchpins For a bunch of others contempt is another really big one of mine So these others often,

You know,

Like pride which often can lead to timidity to vanity Etc,

Etc.

I won't tell you my whole inventory.

You can write your own But there's You know identifying the ways in which they hurt me right cuz pride,

You know for a bit of it Is that like pride keeps me isolated?

It keeps me seeing people as tools rather than beings rather than beings with their own Needs and wants it cuts me off from being able to be compassionate It keeps me,

You know At least the pugnacity because when people then,

You know when people don't meet meet that hope or that expectation of validating me Then then I'll often want to start a fight with them or like blame them or you know become contemptuous of them and try to push them away from me because they didn't then Satisfy that craving in me So they hurt me so I'll push them away In whatever way whatever means necessary,

Right?

So so I started to look at all these ways and I'm like man like this is really hurting me and people I care about and So this is the thing that generates the willingness to then have The patterns removed in the seventh step and it you know I do find it so interesting right and I think that really points to how important this piece is is that Then it is separated in two steps and I believe in the original in the original process It was one step because there was only actually six steps to begin with I'm not history savvy enough to know that whole thing But I believe these two were connected but the fact that they separated them really speaks to me You know,

It speaks to like how important it is to really get a clear picture as to how these patterns are causing harm you know to really dig into and not just a brush by it not just to not just to brush by you know,

Like Because sometimes it's taught that way right you do your step five and then you know you just like pray for a minute and that sticks,

You know pray and that's six and seven and then you move on to the amends process But I think it's really You know,

I think it really speaks to the fact that like digging into these to really like concretize how these patterns hurt others and ourselves can carry us forward into really remembering and you know,

And Returning to that bit about like all the things removed and then I pick it up again,

You know This reminds me why not to pick it up again?

And that doesn't mean that I'll do it perfectly Of course that doesn't mean that if I get really that I've become 100% willing in the moment of step six Then I will remain that way.

No chances are You're gonna have some momentum and you're gonna have to get willing again Well,

This is definitely an ongoing process You know,

Like as I as my defect See,

It's it's just so in me before defects,

But I mean at this point you understand what I mean These patterns are so in me That I I keep returning but then I keep returning to this process of letting go and becoming willing and letting go And you know,

I really think Despite that my path is not one of the the monotheist deities I think there's something really profound to be spoken of that,

You know I think there's a lot of power in that process in that path of you know,

People that are deeply invested in prayer and Turning it over to their higher power there.

They're like higher power.

That is a being and constantly asking Their higher power to free them of this,

You know that to me it works the same way For myself because like it's like for me I pray and it doesn't matter who it's to Like for me the the prayer is as much about just like setting that intention of relinquishment of renouncement of renunciation May I be willing to let go of pride today?

May I be willing to have arrogance removed?

From my personality today May I be willing to have?

Contempt removed From my habit energy from my patterns From my way of living and returning to these prayers returning to my intention Can give me forward momentum and practically You know,

There there are many people that would take the approach of like,

Oh,

I really only have about five character patterns you know,

There's about five and Okay,

I think that's a I think that's a bit short-sighted personally,

I guess is my opinion I think that's a disservice You know,

I've seen that approach and And I think it's full of I think there's a lot of a lot missing in that,

You know I think there's a lot more nuance you know like often people will say like oh like like or even just summarize it is like I'm just full of fear and that's the whole thing and Like yeah,

That's probably the root of a lot of it But I think there's a lot of value like I personally like have an identified list of like maybe 20 to 30 different patterns You're probably list them all like I'm not gonna it'll take about five minutes but I actually refer to Russell Brand's step guide and he gave a list that I adopted myself.

So Shout out to Russell Brand and his influence on my life but there was a list of that many defect patterns and I just And went through each one and although a lot of although a lot are related and there are the linchpins.

I personally think that like You can't overdo it on building awareness of your patterns and building awareness of your yourself,

You know,

Like I Think like the deeper look.

I mean like we refer back to step 4 that said Searching and fearless inventory,

You know,

So that's not like skimming the surface and seeing what I see easily I'm searching like I'm deeply searching and fearless So I'm not like worried that it's gonna take too much effort or too much time or that I'll miss something or that I won't Be able to see something But I look I look deeply And I think the more yeah,

I think the more I look at it the more motivated I am to change the more motivated I am to try something different Because it takes a ton of energy to live a new way,

You know,

Like on a neuroscience level we have these You know,

Especially if you're older than four and you're listening to this,

You know,

Like oh,

I mean,

I hope you are Dear God,

I hope you are That that we have these pathways grooved in our brain You know early on and Energy just wants to go Through those groups like it takes it takes calories.

It takes energy It takes attention to burn new grooves into your brain because that's what we're doing here Like we're literally burning new pathways into our hardware That takes energy.

So,

You know and And I think that's to why like so much of the resistance will arise and so much of these reasons You know,

We can we can fabricate all these reasons why not to do this stuff Why to take the easy way why to take the short way why to take the 12 hours through the 12 steps route,

You know,

Like just one and done,

You know Like we're only visit the steps once,

You know,

A lot of people say like,

Oh,

You only have to do this once And then you just live in 10 11 12 But I think I don't think that's the most useful way,

You know,

I think there's there's always more will be revealed so all that said,

You know,

If you're at this place and you've you've started looking at yourself and In the process of change and you're finding it hard,

You know,

I hear you and it is hard,

You know,

I Hope this talk,

You know can inspire some motivation in you,

You know,

Cuz I I know I need it like,

You know there's that saying that like Recovery is like a shower Yesterday's shower won't keep you clean,

You know,

So like you keep you keep working at it and then my old beloved mentor Todd used to say to me like recovery is also like Paddling a kayak against the current as soon as you stop paddling you start falling backwards a little bit So,

You know,

You just got to keep a steady steady foot on it,

You know You don't burn.

There's no need to burn ourselves out and like pedal like a maniac or paddle like a maniac But it's steady.

It's a steady rate.

It's a steady progress And I would also say that I really hope you keep compassion for yourself when you're looking at all these patterns Because you know,

Like I started off you're not defective you're not broken.

There's nothing wrong with you This is just stuff that you've learned.

We've all learned these things.

We've all been conditioned to act in these ways throughout our lives You know like all these all these patterns of mine of yours of ours They were all ways that we learned to keep ourselves safe And I think if you look at this if you look at your own you'll see the truth of that You know because like I said for me like with arrogance I pushed you know eventually led me to prognacity and pushing people away because they hurt me and I was I was I didn't want to get hurt and I didn't know how to you know,

I didn't know how to Talk about those things with people.

I just got hurt and didn't know how to deal with it You know,

So all these mechanisms it was it was part of myself trying to keep me safe and take care of me And I think like really like that also is a lot of it opens up my heart if I can view it this way Because it's not that I'm bad or defective It's just that like oh like I learned some ways that aren't super helpful But they were the best I could do at the time So,

Thank you.

Thank you self for adapting in the way you did to take care of me in the way you did to get me to this point But now I'm ready for something new now.

I'm ready for a new way now.

I'm ready to live With kindness and honesty and with open-heartedness and with humility and with integrity with curiosity with compassion with care with courage I have a new blueprint of how to live now And it will take time and practice But it is possible.

I'm here to tell you that it's possible Many of us have done it.

Many of us are doing it.

You can do it,

Too Maybe well