"Our Common Welfare" As A Spiritual Practice
This is a talk on tradition one of the 12-step recovery programs. It says "Our common welfare should come first, personal recovery depends on unity". I talk about how this can apply to recovery groups, to personal relationships, and to the world as a whole. Please note: This track may include some explicit language.
Transcript
Tradition one.
Wow.
All right,
So the tradition says our common welfare should come first,
Personal recovery depends on unity.
So there's a hint in that,
Which is probably the primary principle of this particular tradition.
Unity.
However,
Some other spiritual principles,
Or just principles,
We don't need to use the spiritual word.
It's okay,
We're all safe here.
Some other principles that might be associated are selflessness,
Unity,
As mentioned,
Empathy,
Anonymity,
And safety.
Hmm,
Quite a good list.
I'll start with the group level stuff and then go into the relationship stuff.
You know,
I think they'll bleed together,
Of course.
You know,
It can be,
You know,
Coming into,
Like,
Recovery from an addiction.
You know,
There can be,
I mean,
I think it's a fair,
Fair to say that,
Like,
Any addiction comes along with,
Like,
Some,
Like,
An exceptional degree of focus on the self.
You know,
Like,
Probably any addiction,
And I don't want to speak in total blanket statements about anything.
I think it's pretty fair to say that people who have addictions are suffering underneath that and trying to meet some kind of need through that addiction,
Whether it be codependency,
Work addiction,
Debting,
Spending,
Extreme religious practices,
Drug addiction,
Drinking,
Sex and porn,
Love,
Love,
Love anorexia,
Sexual anorexia,
Whatever the case.
Okay,
That's enough,
Right?
Whatever the case is that they're,
It's covering up something else,
You know,
Some underlying suffering,
And often as a result of that,
You know,
Like,
Or often as a cause of that,
There's trauma.
You know,
Like,
There's a lot of literature out there that suggests the traumatic events,
You know,
Whether it was,
Like,
Abuses,
Neglect,
Being abandoned over and over,
Extreme rejections,
Being,
You know,
Not having various needs met.
And I would say that,
Like,
You know,
Like,
We in our culture,
We really focus on the importance of the basic,
So-called basic needs of food,
Water,
Shelter.
However,
I would,
I would posit that connection,
Meaning,
Love,
These things are also basic needs.
And,
You know,
It's unfortunate that in our culture,
We don't treat them as such,
You know,
Because if there was,
If there was mass starvation here in the West,
People would be outraged.
But if there's,
And there is,
An epidemic of loneliness,
Perhaps,
You know,
Things like this,
People are just like,
Well,
You just need to figure that out on their own.
Whereas the government would step in if everyone was starving,
More or less.
Of course,
That's a whole other trail we could go down,
But let's not.
You know,
So anyways,
That's all to say that people come into recovery often afraid of other people and unable to trust,
You know,
From being hurt in various ways,
Betrayed.
And,
You know,
We're desperately trying to get our needs met,
And so I'll probably become pretty isolated in some ways.
You know,
Like in other ways,
We probably have,
You know,
Especially if you're a workaholic,
You know,
You have like all these work things going on.
If you're a codependent,
You're running around,
We,
Because I am,
We're running around taking care of people,
Trying to fix up,
Fix the world,
Taking on causes or,
Or people,
Trying to save people,
You know,
All these things we do.
And,
But,
You know,
Of course these are all ways of just ignoring my own stuff and not taking care of myself.
You know,
So if we're thinking about the unity that's mentioned,
Right,
Like I remember coming into recovery and,
And early on,
Like,
I didn't have very much esteem and I was afraid of people,
But,
You know,
People gave me a chance to do something,
To do some quote-unquote good,
Just to do some simple acts of service,
Like help clean up the group,
Help clean up after the group,
Clean some ashtrays,
Wipe some tables,
Simple things,
Eventually make some coffee,
Eventually,
Eventually have the key to the building and be the host.
That took a minute,
But not very long,
But these things taught me how to be a part of a group,
How to be,
You know,
How to see that,
Like,
I could be a responsible member of something,
How I could be a responsible member and,
And that others,
That I could be trusted,
That I could be part of something.
And even the way I acted,
You know,
People gave me a chance regardless,
And that's,
You know,
Like,
That's talking about unity,
Right,
Like,
It,
And coming into,
Like,
A recovery group or any kind of,
Like,
You know,
Spiritual group,
Maybe,
It could be that,
You know,
Like,
The first time we're asked to think about we instead of me.
That's what this is asking,
That I think of,
Just consider the needs of others as equal to my own needs.
And what that doesn't mean is becoming a martyr or putting aside my needs,
Because that's absolutely,
You know,
One thing in codependency and not,
You know,
Like,
True unity,
Because I matter.
Compassion for everyone else except me isn't real compassion,
Because I'm a person too.
I'm a being deserving of compassion as much as anyone else.
No matter what you've done,
What I've done,
Compassion is for all.
So,
Of course,
Applying that can be challenging,
Because we all have personalities and rub each other the wrong way.
And unity is a beautiful ideal and a tool to work towards,
Or a goal to work towards,
A principle to put into action,
Rather than to set ourself up against to see ourselves as less than,
Oh,
But I dislike this person and that person.
I don't want to talk to them,
And I don't feel like I'm unifying.
Well,
We do our best.
That's,
Like,
You know,
Huge principle as well.
Good enoughness.
That's a good principle.
You know,
So what it does ask,
Though,
Is that,
You know,
Like,
It says in anonymity,
Right?
Like,
It's not that we just,
Like,
Don't have names,
But we try to apply this to everyone,
Regardless of what they,
How they,
How we think of them,
Whatever.
We just try to welcome everybody,
Include people.
You know,
I have a hard time with this,
Of course.
Like,
People that think very differently than me.
People that seem to not have compassion.
You know,
People that have certain,
Like,
Ideologies that seem to,
Like,
You know,
People that value the economy above the welfare of all living beings.
Like,
To me,
That,
Like,
It just grates on this really deep belief of mine.
And yet,
If I'm practicing this,
There's no room,
You know,
Like,
There's no room to exclude anyone,
Even if they're,
Even if they're operating from a place of exclusion themselves.
That's not,
Then I just become excluding.
You know,
It's really funny,
And I,
Or maybe it's not funny,
But,
Like,
There's,
I find that there's a lot of conservative folks in,
In,
In certain recovery communities.
And,
Like,
If you look at the traditions of 12-step,
Like,
It couldn't be more,
Obviously,
Socialist.
You know what I mean?
Like,
So,
So we're talking about,
Like,
You know,
I started with talking about groups.
We talk about applying these,
These traditions to our,
You know,
Like,
Like,
Tradition 12 asks,
To all areas of my life.
So what does that look like if I apply Tradition 1?
And what if I said,
Our common welfare comes first.
Personal well-being depends on group well-being.
What if I just stated it like that?
So then what if I think about,
Like,
Oh,
Like,
All the welfare of my fellow citizens depends on unity.
What if my welfare depends on the welfare of everybody?
What if we,
What if we just,
Like,
Extrapolated that to that level a little bit?
What would that look like?
Because I think that's what these traditions are asking.
You know what I mean?
Like,
The,
The more and more I dig in,
And it's just,
Like,
Asking me to consider everyone being important and mattering.
You know,
I wonder what political systems would look like if we operated in this way.
You know,
I was thinking,
Like,
How often,
Not often,
Every political thing I've ever seen,
Maybe not,
Like,
You know,
A grade three class president,
But,
Like,
Actually,
Maybe even there.
But if political parties,
You know,
People on,
Like,
In debates were,
Like,
Would come from a place of compassion and love and say things like,
Oh,
Wow,
Opponent,
That's a really great point.
I really see the value of what you're saying and how that can be,
You know,
Like,
How the,
I really see your strength.
I really value what you're offering.
However,
I do disagree,
And this is my position.
What if we just operated,
Like,
What if,
Like,
What would that world look like?
Because,
Like,
We can disagree without calling each other,
Telling,
You know,
Like,
Making just horrible accusations and defaming people's character,
You know,
Like,
People's character,
Right?
Like,
We can disagree without being cruel or hurtful,
Trying to cause pain or suffering.
I don't know.
I imagine it would be a,
I imagine things would be a little different.
I mean,
Of course,
Yeah,
Things would be a little different.
So I think about putting these traditions into personal relationships.
That's kind of,
Like,
The core of what I want to talk about,
More or less,
You know?
And so what if,
What if I was thinking about romantic or personal relationships,
And what if the tradition said our common welfare should come first?
Personal growth within the relationship depends on unity.
Personal growth within the relationship depends on unity.
So that really,
You know,
Like,
That really sounds attractive to me.
Like,
Personal growth is kind of,
Like,
A thing that I'm really committed to.
I'm recording talks on traditions and sharing them with the world.
You know,
Like,
You might guess that these things are important to me.
So,
I mean,
When I think of it in these terms,
It really resonates with me,
You know,
Because I think about,
Like,
Some of these questions that I might ask of,
Like,
You know,
Like,
Do I act in disunifying ways?
And what does that look like if I do,
You know?
So if I act in ways that are,
Like,
Putting my wants above my friends' or my partner's needs or another relationship,
You know,
I might start to create this imbalance and distrust within the relationship.
You know,
Like,
Even something as simple as,
Like,
Say,
I always pick where we eat when we eat with my partner.
I always am the one that chooses.
You know,
Like,
They're just starting to feel,
Like,
A certain sense of imbalance and lack on one side and a power imbalance and,
Like,
My needs or my wants matter more and that they might not even think they are allowed to have wants anymore.
Like,
Even just something as simple as that,
Let alone getting into,
Like,
The more,
You know,
Like,
The more serious things of,
Like,
How are we going to spend our money?
Where are we going to live?
Are we sexually compatible?
Do we have the same sexual needs?
Are we lining up?
You know,
These are some of the big-ticket items,
One might say,
In relationships,
You know,
Sex,
Money,
Family.
What if one person is putting the wants above the other person's needs in those areas?
That becomes,
That starts to become very obviously very serious.
Even in friendships,
You know,
Like,
What if one,
What if I'm the one that's always calling the other person?
What if I'm the one that's always reaching out and making connection?
You know,
That starts to feel not very,
You know,
Equal.
You know,
That might start to feel pretty disunified and make one,
Like,
I know I've been in that position where I,
You know,
I've had to give up long-term friendships because the relationship just didn't feel equal or unified and I contributed to that in lots of ways.
You know,
Like,
I had a friend that we got clean at the same time and we were really good friends and we were really close and then,
You know,
Like,
He went back to using and had been kept using for a really long time off and on and the relationship changed just into me trying to save him and me trying to,
Like,
Get him to do recovery or take care of himself and then so he would only come around and talk to me when he was sober and then when he wasn't I wouldn't hear from him and so I started taking on the idea and belief that I couldn't call him when he wasn't calling me because he wasn't sober and wouldn't answer the phone or would lie to me and create further disunity.
So,
It just drove us far apart and I did the relationship and it was hard but,
As they say,
One door closes another opens and it made,
And it was the right thing for me because it made room in my heart for new relationships,
For new opportunities,
New things to come in.
You know,
To start new relationships and start practicing these things right from the get-go.
You know,
I was talking about needs and wants,
Needs and desires.
You know,
I might ask myself,
Do I even know the difference between my needs and desires?
And,
You know,
Coming from a place of addiction,
It's very often,
Like,
Very often confused.
You know,
I thought,
I believed I needed meth.
In fact,
I really believed it was my only need.
Like,
I put aside everything else,
Like,
I wouldn't eat,
Wouldn't pay,
Like,
I didn't have bills,
I didn't pay bills,
I didn't,
Like,
Have a home to live in.
I just had one need,
So I thought.
And so,
Like,
You know,
I can identify with that,
Right?
Like,
And as a result,
Like,
I often have still difficulty,
You know,
Like,
15 years into recovery,
I can have difficulty putting my needs first.
You know,
Like,
When,
In all fairness,
I've gotten pretty good at it at this point but there still can be pulls to,
Like,
Not feel so,
Like,
Going to the dentist.
I'm like,
Oh,
Like,
I don't really need to do that or something like this,
You know,
Or,
Like,
Or buying myself a new pair of pants even though I have,
Like,
Really holey pants that I've been wearing since I was 17.
I got this,
I got this two pairs of track suits when I was,
I think,
Like,
19 for Christmas.
That was 20 years ago.
And I just threw them out this year.
There was more hole than,
More hole than fabric left.
And I,
And I bought myself some new comfy yoga pants,
So yay me.
But identifying these differences can be challenging.
So,
I mean,
It's a good question,
Like,
Really,
Because,
I mean,
Like,
If I don't know,
I don't know.
And,
You know,
If I'm putting my desires before the other person's needs,
Then,
You know,
That's,
It's good to know if I am.
You know,
I think about,
Like,
If I just,
Like,
Want to play video games but my partner really needs to talk about something that hurt her,
I mean,
I think it's pretty clear,
Like,
Which one would,
You know,
Like,
Which choice would promote unity in that situation and which would promote disunity.
If I say,
Like,
No,
Look,
I just don't want to do that.
I'm going to play,
I'm going to play Baldur's Gate 3.
I'm not playing that,
But I think everyone is right now,
So I'm just pandering.
But I'm going to play whatever and not talk to you about that,
Then,
Yeah.
Pretty disunifying,
Yeah.
So,
You know,
It really comes down to functional healthy relationships are based on equal partners,
Whether that's business,
Romantic,
Friendships,
You know,
Whatever kind of partners.
Functional healthy relationships are between equals and that there's no way you're going to get,
Like,
That perfect,
Okay,
Well,
You know,
Like,
That perfect 50% of anything or perfect,
You know,
Perfect balance because,
Like,
At any given time,
One person's needs might be greater than the others,
You know.
Both my partner and I have some pretty severe disability,
Different ones,
You know,
And there's times when my needs are high and she acknowledges that perfectly.
She's like,
Yeah,
Like,
I know you're really struggling today,
So I can do this and that.
And there's times when vice versa and I can do the same in turn,
You know.
You know,
I mentioned,
Like,
Selflessness and safety.
And,
You know,
Like,
A lot of this stuff does come down to some degree of selflessness.
And like I said,
Selflessness isn't,
You know,
Pretending that you don't have needs and wants.
It's just making them right-sized.
And,
You know,
Anonymity lines up so much with the Buddhist principle of anatta or not self.
And,
You know,
It's not to say that,
Like,
There is no self because that's not really what's indicated here.
It's just a tool of examination.
You know,
It's suggested that we look at something that maybe we're attached to or clinging to.
Maybe I really believe that I have,
Like,
A certain thing that needs to happen in my life.
Like,
I really need to write the next novel that matters.
You know,
Like,
Is that and is that me?
Is that myself?
Is that who is that really the core of my essence?
And I think,
Like,
It's,
You know,
Each time I apply this,
There's,
Like,
A no to that.
And each time I recognize that no,
That I am not my wants.
I am not my likes or dislikes.
I am not,
You know,
Like,
This person or that experience or this job or this relationship.
I'm not any of those things.
Those are just conditions of my life.
Then it loosens up a little bit of openness to see that,
Well,
Then,
Like,
All these other people that have their list likes and dislikes,
That's not,
Like,
Really them anyways,
Because I can then have,
You know,
Like,
Judgments about them and then become rigid and closed off and act in disunifying ways.
But if I can see that,
Like,
Oh,
Like,
That's just like a snapshot.
That's just like a thing that I can see about them.
That is,
I'm seeing through the lens of my own personal likes and dislikes and biases.
It's not even a clear picture of them.
And even if it were,
Like,
It's still just a condition and not really them.
And even if you don't,
Like,
Buy into that idea,
I think it's still a useful technique to see,
Like,
Or to,
Like,
You know,
Generate some experience of anonymity.
Because if we just,
Like,
Allowed it,
Even just allow that as an idea,
Like,
Okay,
Well,
Maybe all this stuff is not them at all.
Maybe they're just,
Maybe a person is just a body and consciousness instead of all these details.
And if that's the case,
Then I can just,
Like,
Look at them as a fellow body with consciousness.
And then be like,
Oh,
Okay,
Like,
Fundamentally,
We are the same.
Fundamentally,
We are,
Like,
Maybe even one,
Let alone the same.
And so,
Like,
How would I,
Perhaps that'll allow me to generate some more empathy and openness to being willing to ask them how they're doing,
To show them some,
You know,
Like,
To show them some care.
You know,
Like,
One thing I've gotten from a life,
You know,
Like a long time in recovery is a fair amount of gratitude,
You know,
From coming from a place where I didn't know how to take care of myself or others or be in the world in any way that was not just causing mayhem and destruction.
I'm very grateful for the things that I've got from the people that have offered them to me freely and have shared with me.
And so,
Like,
You know,
Like,
I ask,
It's one thing to feel gratitude,
And it's actually very wholesome and skillful to feel that gratitude and just,
Like,
Live in it as much as possible.
Because I think when our hearts are open,
We're the strongest we can be.
Fear makes us weak.
Hate makes us weak.
Love,
That makes us strong.
You know,
So I think,
Like,
How do I show my gratitude?
You know,
This isn't a coercion tactic to say,
Like,
Go do service,
Make sure you do things,
Feel guilty,
Not at all.
But it really is a great way to show,
You know,
Like,
Do I reach out to other members of my community to see how they're doing?
If someone's not been around a while,
Do I say hi?
Do I participate?
You know,
Participation breeds unity.
You know,
When it comes to meeting levels and,
You know,
Things like group conscience,
Do I speak up against a majority opinion if I hold an important view?
Because that's part of unity as well,
Dissenting against popular opinion.
And not in a judgmental,
I'm a,
You know,
Like,
I'm the person in the minority,
Like,
I'm the minority position,
So I must be right,
And all you people are wrong,
Because,
Like,
You're all just sheeple.
No,
Not that at all.
Just,
Like,
Speaking the truth as you understand it,
Because it's important to share,
And because every opinion matters,
And every thought,
You know,
Like,
Every perspective is worth being honored.
You know,
This tradition,
Just to make a connection quickly,
This tradition can be seen as a link to the third step,
Actually,
The third step being we made the decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a higher power.
And,
You know,
Like,
This,
You know,
If you look at this tradition in connection with that,
It can very much be seen as such,
Because I think,
I think any higher power,
Any,
Like,
Reasonable incarnation of a higher power probably is one that's available to all beings,
Not just a person,
You know.
So,
Like,
I think that just in itself speaks to unity,
And speaks to selflessness,
And speaks to my own,
I,
Me,
Mine,
No longer being the focal point of all my thinking,
All my decision-making,
All my efforts,
You know,
It becomes more about,
Like,
Having a social conscious,
Caring about other beings,
You know,
Like,
What would,
You know,
A lot of people like a,
Like,
A loving,
Caring deity,
Or any kind of power,
Not even a deity,
A loving and caring,
But of course,
If it's loving and caring,
It would have to be loving and caring for all,
Right?
So,
Maybe I could act in that way as well.
So,
You know,
I'm still working at this myself,
And this is part of my healing and recovery,
And I think about,
The one last thing I'll leave with is,
Like,
You know,
Like,
The times I do feel guilty,
Often in my relationships,
You know,
I think about,
Like,
Well,
Why is that,
And what was the cause of that,
You know,
And there's times when I do have false guilt sometimes,
As a result of codependent conditioning for many years,
And,
You know,
Like,
Less and less do I have shame,
And actually have guilt now,
Which is great,
Because,
Like,
You know,
Guilt tells me,
Like,
I made a mistake,
And shame tells me I,
I'm just not okay,
I am a mistake,
It says,
But,
You know,
When I feel actual honest to goodness guilt,
It's often when I did something disunifying,
You know,
It's often when I did something selfish in the way that I put aside someone I care about for just a whim,
You know,
Like,
I didn't do a simple thing,
Like,
Drop some berries on the floor and didn't pick them up,
So my partner had to do it,
You know,
Like,
Not willfully,
I just,
Like,
Wasn't paying attention,
And didn't take,
Make,
Put in the effort to just look around to see if I spilled any berries,
And so,
When she's like,
Hey man,
Like,
Can you just pick up your berries,
I feel guilt,
As I should,
It's not,
You know,
It's not,
It's not,
Like,
You know,
My want,
For sure,
Would be to never have to clean up anything,
I would just,
Like,
You know,
Like,
I would have,
Like,
Um,
Like,
A spirit cleaner that just,
Like,
Loved,
That just,
Like,
An ephemeral being that just cleaned up after,
You know,
Like,
That,
And just was cool with it,
You know,
Like,
That wasn't,
Like,
Suffering or anything,
It wasn't,
Like,
A,
Like,
A slave spirit,
Because that's totally not cool,
Right,
But,
Like,
Just,
Like,
You know,
Like,
Something okay,
This is getting weird,
But,
Um,
Yeah,
So,
I mean,
Like,
My want and her need,
Right,
Like,
And that's a good reason to feel guilty,
So,
Anyways,
Um,
I really think this is super valuable,
And,
You know,
I hope you've got something out of this,
You know,
Like,
I just think about even the little ways I can apply these principles,
You know,
Like,
It can feel,
I don't know,
For me,
Like,
It can feel overwhelming sometimes,
Like,
I look at these traditions,
And even after 15 years in recovery,
And being,
You know,
Giving some attention to them already,
Like,
I can still feel,
Like,
Man,
There's a lot of room,
But that's,
Like,
Such a gift,
There's a lot of room where I can apply this,
I can apply this with everybody,
You know,
I can apply this,
Like,
If there's,
Like,
Uh,
Someone in public that's being just obnoxious,
Or,
Like,
Just uncool or destructive,
I can think of,
Like,
Hey,
Like,
This is a part,
This person is a part of the whole,
They,
Even in this,
Like,
Like,
Just,
You know,
Destructive state,
How can I act in a unifying way,
You know,
If someone beats me off,
Like,
Can I just,
Like,
Remember that,
Like,
Oh,
This person's probably suffering,
How can I respond from a place of functional,
Rational love,
Or at least not hate,
You know what I mean,
Because,
Like,
I know,
Like,
Love is a great ideal,
Love,
Kindness,
Peace,
All these things,
But I think it may be equal,
May be different,
I don't know what,
But another great ideal is just non-hate,
Non-greed,
Non-delusion,
So just living in reality and being neutral,
I think that's almost even harder in some ways than love,
But I digress,
Thanks,
Hope you got something,
Till next time.
