Hello,
Good day.
This is the first of what may be a series of talks on nonviolent communication.
I say that because I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.
Today could be the day I go home.
I don't know what's going to happen.
Or I could get distracted.
You never know.
It's possible.
So I'll start at the beginning with a poem right from the book.
Words are windows,
Or they're walls.
I feel so sentenced by your words.
I feel so judged and sent away.
Before I go,
I've got to know.
Is that what you mean to say?
Before I rise to my defense,
Before I speak and hurt or fear,
Before I build that wall of words,
Tell me,
Did I really hear?
Words are windows,
Or they're walls.
They sentence us or set us free.
When I speak and when I hear,
Let the love light shine through me.
There are things I need to say,
Things that mean so much to me.
If my words don't make me clear,
Will you help me to be free?
If I seem to put you down,
If you felt I didn't care,
Try to listen through my words to the feelings that we share.
So Marshall Rosenberg,
The amazing author of Nonviolent Communication,
He believes that it is in our nature to give and receive compassionately.
I tend to agree.
He poses the questions early in the chapter of what caused some folks to stay connected to their compassionate nature and others not to.
When my needs are met,
I am open,
Deeply loving and receptive.
When they are not,
Is when I become tense,
Cold and aggressive.
When they are not,
I'm prone to lash out and harm those I love dearly.
Also,
Marshall has identified that the use of language and our words to be a critical factor.
This grabbed my attention quickly,
As anyone who knows me will tell you that I love words and can get a bit attached to how they are used.
Someone.
.
.
Someone recently said to me,
Why don't you hear the message behind the words I'm saying?
Well,
It's because all I knew was jackal language up till now.
And the brief description of jackal language is,
It's like aggressive,
Judgmental language and Nonviolent Communication is giraffe language,
Which is open and receptive and uses giraffe because giraffes have the biggest hearts of all animals.
Maybe it's land animals,
Anyway.
So I was so conditioned in my recovery,
You know,
With recovery jargon and whatnot,
And I honestly spent time weaponizing it.
To the point where I didn't even know I was doing it anymore.
I trained myself to look for formulas rather than intention.
And it cost me the relationship with my best friend.
My best friend that isn't me,
Anyways.
So what is offered in Nonviolent Communication is a radical departure from what I was understanding.
I was of the mind that we have so many words and that they all have a place and if we simply use them correctly,
Then we can meet each other's needs and be understood by each other harmoniously.
Furthermore,
When I would express myself in what I considered a correct manner,
I would become frustrated or hurt when the other person didn't understand me.
I then would shut down,
Become quiet,
Retreating into a cave of fear and disconnection.
Nonviolent Communication aims to replace our old pattern of defending,
Withdrawing,
And attacking in the face of judgment and criticism.
The process is all about being intentional in communication,
Both in speaking and in listening.
And it's all about being aware of what we're perceiving,
Feeling,
And wanting.
We express clearly and honestly while listening with empathy.
Training myself to listen in this way is giving me the ability to have empathy for those who have harmed me and,
You know,
Maybe more importantly,
For myself.
Recently,
My mom said to me,
And I said,
Old patterns run deep.
However,
I was gifted with a second chance.
A few days later,
She said the same thing,
And I came back with,
The difference in energy was palpable.
She remained open,
And so did I.
I felt a surge of joy rush through me.
Since that day,
I've had similar experiences with my mother,
Who is my most difficult person.
I saw her open up as I simply worked to hear what she was observing,
Feeling,
And needing.
And as it turns out,
It's really actually a lot of fun.
It's like a people puzzle,
And I actually really like puzzles.
So the first bit of NVC is about observing without evaluating.
Often I might see something I don't like and say,
So clearly I'm evaluating something,
Yeah?
Maybe they cut in line in an emerging situation,
Something that historically has gotten my goat.
And in this practice,
Even internally I can say,
I feel annoyed about it,
And because of my need for integrity or reliability are not being met,
And I want people to follow the rules.
And within all of that,
It then returns the responsibility for my emotional state to myself.
I felt that way because I want him to do a thing.
It's not his responsibility that I'm annoyed,
And he's not a jerk because I'm upset.
That's my evaluation.
So I can say for me this is powerful stuff,
Like really realigning my perceptions day by day.
As a codependent person who made everyone around me responsible for my feelings,
This is a bittersweet one.
Sweet because I'm doing an awesome thing and growing and learning.
Bitter as I've harmed the ones I've loved in the past.
Sweet as I get to rise.
Bitter as I do it alone.
That's all for this one.
It's quick.
It's just the first little stage of NVC,
And more to come,
Probably.
Thanks for listening.
