Humbly Let Go Of Unskillful Character Patterns

This is the talk on step 7. "we humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings" is the original wording. I share reflections on this step from a non-theistic perspective and talk about some principles of the step as well as how to practically apply it. may it inspire you to hear as it did me to speak.

Transcript

So step seven,

We humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings If you know me,

You know that I'm not asking him to remove my shortcomings They don't operate from a divine monotheist perspective So if I were to reword that step from a Buddhist or agnostic atheist kind of point of view,

It would be like May the roots of my destructive patterns wither and die And may wholesome seeds blossom and grow something like this You know,

The intention behind it is the same the intention behind it is the same of which that I'm letting go of what no longer serves me and you know What I've established no longer serves me in the previous steps,

You know,

I've put in the work.

I've examined I've investigated the ways in which I'm causing myself harm through confusion,

Whatever And so now I've become ready for a new thing and much like with addiction itself,

You know,

Like with addiction You know,

If you let go of a drug addiction or work addiction or compulsive spending,

Whatever there's gonna be a hole and often in humor rooms,

There's that joke about We're just trying to fill the God-sized hole,

You know,

Because it's Primarily theistic right?

And of course insert sexual innuendo jokes here You know,

We can make make all kinds of humor about that because that's as often the case,

You know,

People often get Or there's one there's one joke again that says like we put down the spoon and pick up the fork You know,

That's People get clean and sober and then you know,

Eat and eat and gain 50 pounds,

Whatever Or people get clean and sober and they get into dysfunctional relationships or people get clean and sober And these a bunch of porn and overwork or whatever so something's gonna fill that hole and Much like with these characters,

You know,

And ideally we feel we fill that space with You know new wholesome habits and behaviors,

You know,

Like people take up exercise And of course this can become an addiction but like taking up exercise in a healthy balanced way is a great way to spend some energy that you used to have running around chasing dope or whatever and Much like with these,

You know,

Like and I don't like you know,

I'll say it over and over again I don't like the term character defects because you're not defective.

You're not broken nor am I But I did adapt in a way To the conditions of my life that was you know,

You could say maladaptive Nonetheless those adaptations were protecting me.

They were serving me.

They came from a place of self-love and self-protection You know,

I became contemptuous because I believed that other people were dangerous and threatening so I Viewed them with contempt so I could feel superior and feel like I was good enough because I came from a place of low Self-esteem,

You know all these sorts of things so realizing that these are no longer serving and that's why that second half of the statement and may wholesome seeds blossom and grow You know because if I look at every maladaptive pattern,

There's going to be an opposite.

That's wholesome very likely You know,

Like if I look at arrogance,

I could look you know,

Like what I could strive to cultivate is humility You know if I if I have cruelty as a pattern I could strive to cultivate Compassion In place of contempt I can cultivate curiosity And you know,

There are those that will totally disagree with me and say that like,

You know Just God this is the part where God does it you're taking too much responsibility.

You're doing too much.

This is God's job It's just your job to ask for it to be removed.

And again in that perspective cool.

Very good this is you know,

This is what I this is what I'm working with and makes sense to me and in my experience I find that there is Like there is that input,

You know,

Like I do have that power over my my experience,

You know I can incline my mind towards the things in which I wish to cultivate which I wish to develop It's just like where I put my attention grows you know if I like really spend time like looking at a Picture of the Buddha which is on my wall.

So it happens It it infuses me with wholesome qualities.

If I just look at him there and you know,

It was said that the Buddha You know,

There's this reflection like we look at his face and it was so placid and calm and it was perfectly purified perfectly I mean look at his eyes and they were perfectly compassionate You can see that there's nothing but love there And we look at his feet worn from walking the roads after he got enlightened for 45 years teaching We see his worn down feet and we see perfect compassion.

I said compassion twice.

His eyes were filled with perfect wisdom He could see everything Feet perfect compassion so I look at this picture and these things start to stir in me these things start to Arise,

You know these these qualities which existed within myself wisdom attention love Compassion they arise in me as well purity Or if I put my attention on pornography my world becomes very small and constricted and filled with lust and charge Or or even just like whatever else it's very clearly where I put my attention It grows the thing which within me So much as you know as much as anyone who's worked the step will attest that like this is an ongoing process very often It's an ongoing process much as there this whole recovery thing is You know because like right in the moment of having worked step six very likely I am ready to have these patterns changed shifted removed And have something new And then you know like I go away from the retreat center or I go away from my mentor I come back,

You know I go back to work and people are annoying and I go back to school and people are difficult and I'm out in the street and someone's screaming and Whatever,

You know and like things get difficult.

So these patterns real very likely reemerge But everyone is an opportunity to practice something different But it's just important to remember that this isn't Likely going to be a one-and-done situation,

You know,

The awareness will come and go and You know a step that or a principle Attached to this step or associated is often courage And a question being that I just read in a lovely guide is that what risks must I take?

And you know,

It might seem a little bit counterintuitive to think like oh like well,

Of course like why is this even a risk?

We're like Having a new wholesome healthy bountiful abundant life,

Whatever But like I said,

Like all these adaptive patterns that lived within me It came to be out of a place of self-love and protection.

They were all just parts of me That were trying to take care of myself You know like my inner my inner critic My inner judge like all these parts They're doing good work.

They just Adapted in a way that was also harmful,

You know,

So It's real easy to fall back into that.

Well,

Like these things protected me.

So like why you know,

Like it's safe there Or it's a level of safety It's like the devil,

You know as they say So it's a real courageous thing to to let go of everything I've ever known you know in a very real way and to try and see the world and relate to the world and all the beings within it in a new way from a place of Compassion of love of equanimity of of patience of tolerance You know of care of curiosity of confidence You know to relate to the world in these new ways is very courageous And each moment I can return to that as an act of courage,

So I will take courage To do so I feel like I said courage about seven times just then and it truly is a risk Because the truth is we don't know How things will be different if we let go these old ways of relating to the world and ourselves We truly can't know,

You know Much as we learn from our mentors and people that have come before us We can that only goes so far,

You know,

Like and it does help to have faith in that truth You know finding people that you can relate to like someone that had a similar problem to you that solved it through this means or whatever means you're following but Finding someone that got through the thing and having faith that maybe it could work for you too is a very powerful thing You know,

It served me Very well,

And it took a long time for me to get to that point,

But it did But the truth is when it comes down to it,

You know,

Like there might remain some doubt of like,

Okay But like maybe maybe that I'm still the one that you know,

Maybe it's not gonna work for me for whatever reason,

Right?

Or maybe what maybe what's on the other side of this won't be desirable You know because there's all kinds of fears right like oh like what if I'm like walking around all open-hearted and kind and compassionate People are gonna like be jerks to me,

You know,

Like someone's gonna punch me in the face you know,

What am I supposed to just like shake his hand or Like I'm gonna you know,

Like people are gonna Be condescending to me.

Should I just like smile at them?

You know,

There's like all these kinds of Hypothetical what ifs I get treated this way?

What if the world does this to me?

What if I get,

You know,

Like burdened with this Yeah,

It's it's the big unknown.

You know,

It's the big unknown and There are no guarantees that it won't hurt and in fact,

I could probably guarantee you that it will hurt I Know for myself that opening my heart Opens me to hurt as well as love and joy But I know that closing it also removes the opportunity for all the above as well You know as much as I and that's what I used to think,

You know I used to think that hardening my heart And keeping guarded and closed and keeping people away and at a distance and only letting in people that agree with me only letting in people that share the same beliefs and views and you know politics as me so I could feel safe so I could That could create my safe space And no judgment against safe space.

That's not a that's not a trash talk about safe spaces or anything like this But in truth,

Like I I could smaller and smaller my world.

I could make my world smaller and smaller but like I was in I was still in there and I was still afraid and then like Even then like the people that were just like me would like start to look a little bit different You know the people that were just like me I would find something over like oh,

But he's a Zen Buddhist That's not my tradition.

You know,

Like I would find things,

Right?

So like the more I close my heart off the more I close it off to love and it really doesn't end up protecting me In the end because when I'm on guard and when I'm closed I'm just becoming more afraid and more judgmental and hurt and doing more damage to other people and in turn that leads me to become Hurt as well You know when I'm acting from that place of fear and guardedness I can lash out and cause cause chaos,

You know I've had some recent recent instances like this myself,

You know,

I was hurt by someone and I was very reactive and I responded in the best way I could but it was still Not incredibly skillful and I caused myself more harm because that person got triggered and that person responded You know in a triggered way and it triggered me further and there's a bunch of hurt going around So,

You know today I I I believe That the safest place for me is to be open-hearted,

You know to be acting from these wholesome places of love and compassion trust faith service Courage honesty integrity acceptance Hope I think these are the real safety If you know like for someone like me,

It feels counterintuitive,

But I think it really is the truth That's in fact,

The only place I can be safe.

In fact,

The only place I can feel safe is open-hearted Because I believe that love is protective and I know that if I'm in a place of love Like real love not like,

You know,

I'm not saying like I need a romantic thing going on.

Whatever like I'm feeling all exuberant and excited and Fantasy not that love but like a deep place of like love internally That's like a safety like a safety and an ease and a peace Coming from that place There's been times when I'm unshakable You know,

There's been times when confronted with things that would Historically cause me all kinds of disruption and just regulation and disturbance.

I've managed them with total easing and and Grace,

You could say,

You know manage them with handle them with grace and tolerance and peace In fact use those difficult situations to heal relationships So as much as those parts of myself tell me be scared and protect yourself Be scared and protect yourself.

There's there's there's been new experience.

It shows me that like that love you know as What as maybe cliche as I could sound love will be the thing that can free me And this is where some other beautiful wisdom can come in very handy Because rather than thinking about like,

Okay Goddamn,

I'm supposed to now live the rest of my days in this new loving open-hearted Hippie hugging tree kind of thing I'm not saying that.

I mean i'm kind of saying that but i'm not really saying that so don't focus on that what i'm saying is what if The next thing you do you try and do it from a place of love?

And then the next thing Or maybe just the next thing You know,

Like what if what if in this day in this or in this hour in this moment?

Whatever break it down as much as you need to during this talk You know You see what it feels like to live from a place of love Because that becomes manageable,

You know,

Like there's another great saying in different meetings,

It's like You know come try six of our meetings And if you want your misery back We'll like we'll keep it here for you and you can pick it up and head right back to where you were You know because that option is always possible You know if this doesn't suit you Great do your own thing You know some of the wisest words the buddhists I mean,

I can't even say i'm not wise enough to know what the wisest words of the buddha were to be honest But something that rings for me is that he always said Don't take my word for it.

Come see for yourself and him as the perfectly enlightened being that was like Wisdom beyond comprehension for most of us,

You know,

Like confused people He said don't take my word for it.

Come see for yourself And so,

You know,

I reflect that to you from a from a much humbler less enlightened place,

But the wisdom is so strong,

You know,

Like The only thing that will prove it to you is your own experience in real in real truth.

I believe you know And just a little bit about where the process You know where this process goes from here you know step six and seven can also Often be seen as like the step you just like jump on and jump off to like the amends process And you know in step eight and nine,

You know,

You go into making your list checking it twice Oh,

Wait,

That's yeah,

That's right.

And then going on to make amends But having a step like living this way living this step seven stuff of like turning over the old patterns And developing and living in new skillful ones is so paramount You know,

I've never had this experience,

But i've heard from many people Amends gone wrong and it's I believe because living in old patterns,

You know of like you know,

Like wanting to go You know,

I admit i'm got a problem and now I want to say i'm sorry and i'm here to help You know,

Like want to just like jump through the process and get into helping and stuff I've heard people getting punched in the face making amends Being just totally torn a new one causing new wreckage in their life.

And my belief is that That's because they they skipped through six and seven too quickly They didn't in fact weren't willing to turn over those old patterns.

They were coming at it from a place of ego and So this step is really important to not get yourself punched in the face trying to make amends peace

Reviews

Thanks Jonathon.

What if I approached this from a loving place....

What if indeed!

🙏🏻Respect❤️‍🔥