How Establishing A Primary Purpose Can Heal Relationships

This is a talk on tradition five of the twelve-step groups. It says that "each group has but one primary purpose-to carry its message to those who still suffer". This tradition keeps recovery groups safe and effective, and it can do the same for your personal relationships of all types as well.

Transcript

Tradition 5 of the Twelve Step Fellowships says that each group has but one primary purpose to carry the message to those who still suffer.

So in terms of the group,

This is very explicit in terms of making the newcomer to the meetings kind of the most crucial part of the function of the meetings.

Because despite all of our differences and similarities,

Hopes and desires,

Wants and personalities,

Lack thereof,

The key purpose,

The primary purpose is to carry the message of whatever group that is.

With AA,

It was to carry the message that you didn't have to drink anymore.

People stopped.

You can stop.

And this program is how they did the stopping.

And that's a pretty potent message.

For anyone who's listening to this and may be deep in the throes of addiction,

May you hear that there is hope,

That there is another way to live.

I remember the first time I heard that there was another way.

I wasn't ready to take that way yet,

But I had no idea that there was another way to live other than taking drugs until it hurt and hurt and hurt until I was so confused that I couldn't discern up from down.

And then someone told me there's another way,

And slowly I found another way.

Our primary purpose in meetings,

There's things like principles like integrity,

Responsibility,

Purpose,

Fidelity.

The idea of fidelity is that you can walk into a meeting of whatever fellowship anywhere in the world,

And you can know what you're going to get into.

That's the idea.

And the other traditions support this in that tradition of course says we're autonomous except in decisions affecting other groups.

So you won't find one group that is wildly different from another in a recovery group,

Which can be very comforting and healing and safe.

If I know I walk into whatever meeting,

I know that I'll hear a message of recovery related to that topic and very possibly relate to some of it and feel okay after.

Another way to look at this is vigilance,

Keeping our eyes on the prize.

We could desire that meetings turn into something else,

Turn into a personality festival,

Turn into all kinds of things,

But we must keep in our hearts that we're here to help those that are suffering.

All right.

So all that said,

How can I apply this stuff in my personal relationships?

How can I think about primary purpose related to my romantic relationships or recovery friendships,

Whatever?

I think that defining this and in the bit of work I've done on it myself,

I can say that it's been helpful.

My beautiful darling partner and I had a conversation around Tradition 5 about what is the primary purpose of our relationship.

And to paraphrase,

We came to the mutual understanding,

Collaborative concept of creating a love in this world that is of our own defining,

Of our own making.

That's one.

And it's something we can choose to keep returning to.

It's like a North Star,

If you will,

Polaris,

Little astronomy buffs,

Something that can guide us and keep reminding us what we're doing here and why we're doing it.

What might be the primary purpose in a friendship?

Maybe it's to enrich each other's lives.

Maybe it's to ruthlessly harass each other about whatever shortcomings we have.

It depends on the friendship.

It depends on the friendship.

And I think for me,

I think about some of the ways I've put unrealistic expectations on certain relationships.

I meet people perhaps in recovery and then maybe we have a few things in common.

I met someone a while ago and we both had Buddhism in common and weight lifting.

And I was like,

Oh my God,

We're going to be best friends.

We were not best friends.

That was not the case.

They like,

It just didn't,

You know,

Like there was just does not.

Having a couple of similar interests,

You know,

Like led me into thinking,

Having this fantasy about like how similar we were and how connected we were going to be.

And like,

And I wanted to believe that like,

Oh,

Like because of this,

We're going to like see the world the same way and like these things.

Right.

And that's,

You know,

That's childish,

Right?

And that's not to be derogatory towards myself.

That's just like childhood parts that are asserting themselves.

And I just still wanted to,

You know,

Like it's an attractive fantasy.

So,

You know,

Like defining this,

Like,

Oh,

Like persons in recovery,

They don't have to be my best friend.

In fact,

We don't even have to have anything in common.

You know,

I started working with a,

A fellow traveler recently.

You know,

I was looking around for a new mentor and,

And this dude,

You know,

Like we have differences,

Man.

Like probably some,

You know,

Like different political viewpoints and like see the world a little bit differently.

You know,

Like,

I mean,

He's,

You know,

30 years older,

Different,

You know,

He's just,

We've got differences,

Whatever.

And I don't need that to be a big deal because like the purpose of our relationship is to,

You know,

Help each other grow in recovery,

To support each other,

To give encouragement and ask hard,

You know,

Ask the difficult questions,

Which this dude is like amazing at.

He's willing to ask me tough questions,

Ask me if I'm full of it,

Ask me if I'm in delusion right now.

He's just like,

He's showing up,

You know?

And so like,

These other things are totally superfluous.

And in fact,

When I can keep my head on track about primary purpose,

It even gives me the opportunity to recognize that like,

Oh,

Because this relationship is rooted in this and this part of it is strong,

Like it is fulfilling my purpose of getting well,

Hopefully his as well.

So like these other things,

They're just details that aren't super important,

But perhaps because of that anchor,

We could even learn from each other and grow as people in other ways that were unexpected because I'm not so concerned about like needing to have the same political affiliations or have the same view on animal rights as people that I can still be like connected to them and love them and grow with them.

You know,

That sounds like a much better world because me,

Part of my fear stuff is that I want the world to think the way I think so I can feel safe.

You know,

I want everybody to think that people should have certain rights and freedoms and equity.

And because of that,

Like I think I can get into this tiny little narrow space of like,

Well,

If people disagree,

Then like,

Yeah,

They're dangerous.

When in fact,

Like not that many people are like truly dangerous.

I have all these hardwired,

You know,

Like conditioned beliefs and perceptions about how people are dangerous because of very,

You know,

Very serious hurts that cause that happened in the past,

But I concretized them into beliefs.

And now when I smell her,

You know,

Notice anything similar,

My mind thinks it's that again,

When in truth,

I don't know what's happened.

I don't know what's going to happen next.

I can't,

I don't have like a blueprint of people,

You know,

Like I don't.

And in fact,

I was thinking about,

Thinking about said partner earlier today and thinking like,

There's parts of me that,

You know,

Like sometimes I get afraid of like,

Do I even know this person?

Do I even know who she is?

And then I was thinking too,

Like,

I'm like,

Man,

Like,

Do I even know who I am?

And not in the sense of like being on grounded or like not having an identity,

But just in the truth of like,

I think people are a process.

So like,

How can I like really,

Even truly like claim to like know,

You know,

This person,

Like in like a really like solid way,

Like I can have an idea of like,

Oh,

Like this person has showed up in this way and the evidence they're presenting is through consistent behavior or not,

Or like their words lining up with their actions or not.

Doing what,

You know,

Like these things,

Like they give me indications of like part of that process,

But like things change all the time,

You know,

Like things are constantly in flux,

Conditions are changing.

So I think it's just so much easier or more,

I'm more benefited by just remembering that like,

I don't have anything nailed down to try and be curious.

So,

You know,

Some other relationships,

You know,

Like employer,

Employee,

You know,

I used to think that too,

That I needed to be friends with all my coworkers because we were all,

You know,

Like harm reduction missionaries.

Turns out,

You know,

Like we got along fine at work and that was fine.

You know,

Training partners,

I don't need to be their friends.

We just need to punch each other in the face and get better at it.

Doing anything more than that.

And you're like,

How do I take actions to support our primary purpose?

And whatever this is,

Whether it's like at the group,

You know,

Like if I think of like at a meeting level,

It's like,

How do I take actions to support primary purpose?

You know,

That would look like caring for new members,

Not ignoring people that are different than me,

You know,

Like showing up as best I can for the people that are new,

Talking about,

You know,

Like talking about being real about recovery and what it looks like,

You know,

Like painting an honest picture.

You know,

Like a lot of people in the rooms like are very formulaic.

Like if there's a newcomer in the room,

It's like,

Okay,

Like,

I'm going to talk about,

You know,

Like step one and how it was,

What it was like,

What it's like now,

What I did and what it's like now,

You know,

Like,

And just like,

There's like a,

And they just go off into it kind of like autopilot story mode,

Which is totally fine.

People need that.

That's an important function.

And for me,

I also think it's really important for a long timer such as myself.

You children need to listen.

No,

But I've been around a while,

But like for someone like myself to just be authentic about the fact that I still,

It's still hard.

You know,

Some days it's still hard.

I'm not like,

I'm not recovered.

I'm still recovering and I have lapses into,

You know,

Not recovery in various capacities and being a really honest about that while carrying a message of hope that like life is gray.

It's not like I'm not like in addiction and drowning or in recovery and glowing.

There's a whole spectrum in between there of like,

You know,

Like I think of like the ways in which addiction manifests and there's so many and most people are poly addicted to like most people that have addictions are poly addicted,

You know,

Whether it's like work,

Sex,

Food,

Relationships,

Codependency,

You know,

Pornography,

Drugs,

Alcohol,

Excessive training,

Bulimia,

Whatever,

You know,

There's a list that goes on and on,

Phones,

Internet use,

You know,

Just like video gaming.

There's more often than not one at play.

So like I have been sober from substances for 11 years and some of those other things are flying around,

You know,

And yet I'm getting better as I go along.

So how do I take action to support our primary purpose in these,

You know,

Personal relationships?

And I kind of touched on it a little bit,

But like just keeping to my lane,

You know,

With those training partners,

Just like focusing on our primary goal of like getting better at fighting together.

With recovery friends,

Just focusing on that,

Not needing to get into like contests about like who's right in these other issues,

You know,

Because that's another part of like in the meetings,

You know,

Like why we don't bring in outside issues because then people can get polarized and be like,

Oh no,

Like this is the right way,

That's the right way,

Like oh this social program or that,

You know,

Like social freedom.

Those things,

That stuff if brought into meetings can kill because this is serious.

Anyone that's listening to this has been anywhere near addiction,

Has probably lost someone that they loved to addiction,

You know.

And so this is,

You know,

It's pretty imperative that we keep this stuff functioning.

And,

You know,

I would say that's the truth about relationships too,

Right?

Like if I don't apply these principles to them,

My relationships will be non-functional,

You know,

Like I don't want to say failed because like just because a relationship ends doesn't mean it failed.

But like I won't be having healthy,

Functional,

Happy,

Joyous relationships probably.

So,

You know,

Like what would change if I did identify this in all my relationships?

You know,

I can say like,

I've talked about it,

Right?

Like my understanding of what I need in relationships is changing because of this.

You know,

Like even with my partner,

I don't need her to think the same things about everything.

I don't need her to meet all my needs.

I don't need her to be a person I think she should be.

I don't need her to dress how I think she should.

I don't need her to dye her hair orange,

You know,

Like I need her to consistently show up and work on herself and our relationship and be committed to that,

That ideal we created together,

We collaboratively created with my mentor,

With my fellow traveler.

I don't need him to think whatever,

You know.

Managing my expectations.

That's the crux of this,

I think.

You know,

Like expectations,

My wants,

They distract me.

You know,

They lead me to trying to control people and get things that they aren't meant to give.

Like,

That has been part of my problem is trying to get things from people that they don't have.

You know,

I think of like even with my WCB caseworker,

I deeply wanted her to have all this empathy and understanding for my situation and get me all this money for treatments and things when that relationship was not based on empathy,

Understanding,

It was based on an insurance claim assessment and me being,

You know,

Like a number.

And I wouldn't say that she reduced me to such,

But that's kind of the nature of insurance companies.

And like when I was struggling,

You know,

I was trying to explain how much I was suffering that I couldn't do what she was asking.

And I just kept going back to her to just convince her,

But she wouldn't be convinced because she believed what she believed and we didn't have that kind of relationship where there was like trust or understanding.

It was just a very business-like relationship.

That was before I looked at these things and I was like,

I didn't understand.

You know,

I couldn't understand because I didn't have that kind of understanding.

So my expectations have been adjusted since this.

You know,

I wonder,

You know,

Which relationships would benefit the most and like,

You know,

Probably the one with my mom,

Right?

My relationship with her is still difficult and,

You know,

Like kind of fraught with expectations.

You know,

I expect her to like show up in a way that she doesn't understand how to not cross my boundaries.

You know,

I can keep asking her over and over to do things and she doesn't.

And I haven't yet identified a primary purpose in that relationship.

And,

You know,

Not coincidentally,

There's still a fair bit of difficulty.

And I think of some other ones that would be really beneficial to look at as well.

And,

You know,

Just some of my semi-close friends because that's something I'm difficult,

I have a difficult time with.

It's like I like to be like really close or just like people are far away,

You know,

And like to have like kind of a semi-close friends I can,

I just have that want for them to be much closer and more intimate.

And then there's been a couple where I've pushed away because I just,

I was like,

Well,

This isn't working for me because we're not close enough.

But I think there's a lot of value in having friends that I can just keep casual and talk about whatever,

You know,

Like just catch up every here and then.

And like we really care about each other but our lives just aren't like on a really close track,

You know,

And just like enjoy each other,

Have a few laughs and it doesn't need to be anything more,

You know,

So.

So in conclusion,

You know,

This tradition,

It's just,

It's one of the,

For me,

It's one of the big ones,

You know,

Like three and five kind of to me like are the most potent in some ways but especially for like personal relationships,

This one for me has been really illuminating and,

You know,

I hope this offers you something,

You know,

It's been like really helpful to talk it out for me.

And,

You know,

Like the traditions in recovery are often like relegated to just like the nerds,

You know,

Like people that are whatever but they really have a lot of application and can be useful to help me have,

You know,

A happier life and I mean that's why I'm here doing recovery.

I mean I think that's why after like not,

You know,

Once the drowning stops,

That's why we're all here,

You know.

You know,

Just the last thing that just came to me about this is just like the idea of simplicity,

You know.

A wise elder friend recently said to me,

Just like,

Yeah,

Keep it simple and like I can really overcomplicate things as you've probably guessed by now and like this tradition really just does help me keep it simple because I can get 15 ideas going at once and narrowing it down just keeps me calm,

Keeps things achievable and functional,

So.

May you be at ease.

Until next time.

Reviews

This was super helpful. On so many levels, your flowers 💐