Relationships Are Hard

This lecture is on relationships. The topics covered are handling conflict, communication, boundaries and vulnerability. Grab a pen and paper or your phone for notes before beginning to record your thoughts. This lecture is intended as basic to exploring your needs and boundaries within a relationship as well as how you approach relationships.

Transcript

Welcome to a little crash course on relationships and boundaries.

We'll be talking a little bit about attraction and attachment and even our self-concept,

How those all work together.

We'll cover communication,

Talk about boundaries,

Vulnerability,

And move into some tips and even a little activity.

So feel free to pause this,

Take a second,

Grab a pen and paper or your phone,

Take some notes.

That way you can,

If you hear something that resonates with you or that you want to look into further,

You can take some notes and have that framework.

So we'll start by looking at some of the attraction basics.

What are the different things that even go into attraction?

In some cases,

There's manifestation that occurs.

That is typically considered a pseudo-science.

I personally am pretty on board with manifestation.

I think that it happens.

I do it every year for my year and not necessarily relationships,

But there is power.

Our words have power.

Our thoughts have power if we give it to them.

So it just depends on what you are hoping to give to them.

Then we've got reinforcement and punishment,

Which comes from a behavioral science standpoint.

What that means is basically you continue to do things that reinforce you.

So if something is of value to you,

You find it beneficial to you and helpful for you in some form or fashion,

Whether it's a chemical,

Your brain is responding chemically,

Or you just like that.

Sometimes I have heard from a behavioral science perspective that love is just a history of reinforcement where people just reinforce each other.

It's kind of a bleak way to look at it and a little less romantic than other explanations,

But that is from a behavioral science standpoint,

And of course,

Punishment would be people that you don't want to continue with.

Whatever your relationship is with them is punishing.

Most relationships that we have have a little bit of both.

And so it's just whether that reinforcement value and the strength of that reinforcement relationship is beneficial to you or not.

So then curiosity is just another way to consider attraction.

Some people are just so curious,

Right?

Maybe the person they're attracted to,

That doesn't always have to be romantically.

That can be friendship,

Professionally.

You might seek out people because you're curious about them.

And you just want to either know more,

Understand maybe you don't have that experience,

And you hear that they have this particular experience,

And so you can kind of learn from them.

Traits and appearances are also another way to look at attraction and another aspect of it.

So that comes from a cognitive.

So we were talking about thoughts a minute ago.

That's definitely one way.

And biologically,

Right?

There's been a lot of research on biological aspects of attraction.

So there's the different studies about like even smell,

Right?

That are olfactory senses and how that all plays in together.

And there's also just symmetry of the face,

Different facial features that people find,

The types of faces that people find more attractive.

So there are things like that.

There's a lot of research and it all points to there.

People tend to prefer different types of appearances,

Right?

And some of it's societal,

Right?

So when we look at that,

That's the societal aspect of beauty.

So that might be different depending on where you are in the world,

Right?

So we've also got all the senses,

Right?

There's just that biological,

A little bit more on the traits and appearances.

There's just the senses that you respond to that can be reinforcing or punishing as well,

Just to kind of put it from a behavioral standpoint.

And so we'll move on a little bit to attachment.

So again,

This is an area that's been widely researched and there are many different frameworks that you can come from on that.

But we're going to kind of focus on two different ones here.

And I think a lot of what there is out there can kind of fall under these two.

So we've got modeling and imitation.

Now this falls under some of you in the Bandura work can be used for this,

Right?

So he specifically was looking at aggression.

But with attachment,

Modeling and imitation can be a part of that as well.

You learn from people that you're watching,

Right?

You learn how to interact with the world based on the world around you.

And that could be different from somebody else's world around them,

Right?

And your perception of that,

Which we'll get into a little bit more as we talk about self-concept.

But modeling and imitation,

You start to interact with the world based on what you are seeing,

What you have grown up with.

And sometimes you may want to do the exact opposite and try different things.

And some people learn from that and they see that that's how it is and that's how they continue,

Right?

And sometimes that really serves them and sometimes it does not in both aspects.

Now with nature versus nurture,

That's kind of the other umbrella of attachment.

And so we talked a little bit about modeling and imitation.

So that would be kind of the nature,

The environment piece of it,

Right?

And then there's nurture,

Which is what you are kind of shaped into,

Right?

Without reinforcement and punishment history,

Again,

Coming from a behavioral standpoint,

There is a lot of that.

There is this aspect of even if that person didn't model it for you,

But maybe they encouraged you.

Kind of like the do as I say,

Not as I do situation,

That would be a nurture way in some aspects.

And so those are just kind of some different ways to look at how we form attachments,

Right?

It's from the environment around us and it's whether it was actually modeled for us,

Which is actually a higher strength,

Right?

Because you're actually seeing the effects and seeing the behavior versus nurture,

Which is kind of being shaped as you go.

And that can also be really strong depending on how that looks.

Like with a teacher,

Sometimes they're nurturing,

Right?

More so than nature.

So those kind of things really go into attachment.

So let's talk a little bit about self-concept because that's important when you're thinking about a relationship.

Like,

Yes,

There are two people,

But you really have to know more about yourself before you can really enter this relationship and know what you bring to the table and know how you are interacting with this person.

So we've got your core beliefs and values,

Which that comes from a bunch of different frameworks.

It's definitely one of my favorite,

I think,

Is knowing what your core beliefs and values are.

There are some value sort cards that you can find online.

You could Google value sort and kind of check it out for yourself and just go through and see what is important to you and what isn't.

That can be important in any relationship.

Usually when there is a disconnect,

It is either from a miscommunication,

Which we'll get into in a minute,

Or it is because of a disconnect on values.

Maybe something that is very important to you,

Like for example,

Say you have a friend.

And I happen to have one right now and have this example.

But say you have a friend that is looking for motivation to stick to working out.

So part of their core beliefs and values is they want to be healthy.

That's what they're saying.

And maybe you're saying that as well.

And there might be times where it's a little less important and other values might take priority.

But then there's also just this impact.

So for example,

With that friend,

We have been able to come together and keep each other accountable in taking actions towards those values.

And so if,

For example,

I had a friend that wasn't important to them,

Maybe they don't like to exercise.

They don't like to go for walks.

They have other interests.

Maybe they like to go to concerts.

So relaxation or music is something that's important to them.

And that was something that was important to me.

That would be where we connect.

But as far as exercise,

Me and that person may not connect on that particular level.

And so I think that's what's really important is knowing what your beliefs and values are and knowing that it's not just one or two.

That you have a lot of them.

And knowing that your different relationships have different functions towards those values.

Every relationship that you have either helps feed those values or starves them.

And that is important for yourself to know too.

Especially when we're down on ourselves and we're not interacting with ourselves even the way that we should.

It's because maybe we're not living out our values.

We haven't really sat down and sat with them to know what they are in the first place.

And maybe some of the things we're doing are really going against that.

And so we're wrestling with ourselves on that.

And so that really comes down to,

So your values really help set the stage for kind of your relational network.

And so,

Or your frame for lack of a better way to say it.

So you've got these frames,

Right?

Here's your frame where this picture goes.

And here's your frame where this picture goes.

And depending on what lens you're putting on it,

Depends on the kind of picture that you get,

Right?

So for example,

We'll use the pandemic.

And this is going to be really broad.

So you're looking at the pandemic through this lens of,

This has been awful,

Right?

You're looking at it from a punishment lens.

We'll just kind of go with that since we started that,

Those analogies already.

You're looking at it through a punishment lens,

Right?

And there's definitely been some things that have been punishing from the pandemic,

Right?

And I can't speak for everyone on whether there was anything reinforcing about the pandemic.

I will say for myself,

I can just use this example and you can take it and use it for what you need to use it and find a way to plug it in as you need.

But looking at it from a punishment perspective,

I could definitely be down on how my entire industry changed and learning a whole new modality of the industry and all of the kind of stress that came with that with family and seeing people and this new way of life,

Right?

And then I can also look at it from a reinforcement perspective.

Okay,

Well,

What was reinforcing about the pandemic?

Was there anything reinforcing about the pandemic?

Some of that could be that I got to spend more time with my family,

The ones at home,

My closest family unit.

There could also be,

Maybe I learned about some new things.

Maybe instead of thinking like,

Oh,

Learning this whole new modality was stressful and awful for my industry.

But that also helped expand the industry and that helped other people that maybe wouldn't have been able to access that industry.

For me,

It's therapy,

But they wouldn't have been able to access that if we hadn't been able to move to telehealth,

Right?

So you can look at it from different perspectives in different ways.

And I will say that I have definitely changed lenses a couple of times.

But I think it's important to know,

It's not necessarily which lens that you're looking through,

But knowing that you can switch lenses out,

Right?

So if something is,

You're looking at it through that punishment lens,

You can always take off the lens and look at it.

Now,

If you still need to look at it through the punishment lens for a little bit,

I think that's totally fine,

Right?

But it's if you don't ever change it and you stick it in this one lens,

That that's when we kind of start to run into trouble.

And even,

Obviously looking at it from a reinforcement lens,

You might be saying,

Why would you even say not to you,

Right?

But sometimes we need to look at some of those downfalls to really know more things about ourselves,

To know more things about the world around us,

And to understand that and to understand how we're interacting,

Right?

Or how someone else might be able to interact.

That can definitely be a piece of empathy,

Which we'll get into in a minute as well.

So looking at friendship,

If you've got a piece of paper there or you just want to take some notes or you just want to mentally think about it,

That's fine.

What are some characteristics of people who are your friends?

Just take a second.

You can pause this if you need to.

Just take a minute.

What are some characteristics?

I will say for me,

I look at a lot of things from a values lens.

And I would say that the characteristics of people who are my friends are people who are compassionate and empathetic.

And a lot of times they work with people or a lot of the people that I know,

As I'm sitting here thinking about it,

They are goal driven as well.

And that doesn't necessarily mean that there's this one goal and if they don't get it,

The world is over.

It means that they set benchmarks for themselves and they're continuously striving.

They have this growth mindset.

So I just listed a couple of characteristics as examples.

And again,

You can take those.

You can plug in what you need to.

But yeah,

You can pause this and take a second to work with that as well.

And the next question I want you to consider is how do you develop friendships?

So do you find someone online?

Are you guys in the same group?

Are you within the same circles?

Did you randomly go to a yoga class and you found somebody that suddenly your best friend?

Or did you go to Starbucks and somebody you end up talking to you end up being someone that you could connect with?

You know,

How do you develop friendships?

Kind of going back to that reinforcement and punishment concept,

How do you do that?

And then the next question that I want you to consider is how do you maintain friendships?

So friendships take work,

Right?

I know I have friends who I don't talk to for years.

And then when we do talk,

It's like it's just kind of a cool catch up and it's awesome.

And we do great.

But we would still call each other best friends,

Right?

There's others where you kind of have to put a little more work into it.

Again,

Based on maybe where your values line together and where they don't line together.

That can be it.

Like,

For example,

The people that you can take a long time before getting back together with them,

That could be a loyalty value,

Right?

Maybe that person really values loyalty and you do as well.

So kind of no matter what or how long it takes,

You kind of come back to each other,

Right?

And some people like you want to be with more or you want to do that.

Like,

You know,

I have a couple of friends where we talk or resume or we see each other every week.

Right.

And that's just because,

Again,

We find each other very reinforcing.

Some of it is more proximity.

Right.

The people that maybe I don't talk to for a long time,

I don't necessarily live here.

Right.

So,

You know,

And also with that question,

I want you to think about,

Do you expect people to just start the conversation and initiate or do you initiate as well?

You know,

Are friendships a 50 50 or does it kind of depend on the time?

You know,

Someone's going through something.

Do you let them go?

And again,

That depends on the friend,

Of course,

As well.

And this can be true,

You know,

Specifically said friendships,

But all of these questions can be related to relationships in general.

So feel free to kind of go back and look at it for different types of relationships that you have,

Whether they're family or friends or work relationships and kind of go through these questions and just really consider where you are with that.

So we're going to move on to a little bit about communication.

And there's Dr.

Albert.

Albert,

Sorry.

Forgive me.

I hope I don't butcher this.

But Merabian.

And he kind of came up with a 738 55 percent rule.

So essentially,

The aspects of communication is seven percent is the actual words that you use.

And then 38 percent is the voice or the tone that you use.

And 55 percent is the body language.

Now,

At the time of this recording in this,

You know,

This talk,

It's during a pandemic.

So a lot of things are actually,

You know,

More zoom or virtual.

And so you may not always honestly get to see the body language.

So that's half of that that's being taken out,

You know.

So I want you to go back to some of those questions that we were just talking about,

About developing and maintaining relationships and think about where 55 percent of what contributes to communication in some cases is gone at this point.

Right.

And so I would kind of argue that a lot more of that percentage at this point.

Right.

So again,

At the time that he came up with this,

There was not a pandemic.

There was more interpersonal and in-person.

But now we've got this other aspect.

And I wouldn't say the whole 55 is gone,

But there's definitely a big chunk of it that might be moving more to voice and tone and particularly spoken word,

You know.

And I would say textual word as well.

So emails,

Text,

That sort of thing.

I have a friend who used to tell me,

You know,

Words mean things.

And I also recently just finished Alicia Keys,

More myself,

Her book.

And she really talks about the power of words.

Right.

And we talked about manifestation and thoughts.

And it's what power you give it.

Right.

So I could flippantly say,

You know,

Oh,

I want to eat chicken.

Well,

I'm a vegetarian.

I'm not actually going to eat chicken.

Right.

So in that particular way that,

You know,

Those words don't really have a whole lot of power.

That's not really a word that's super arbitrary.

But words do mean things.

Right.

And there's a context and a relational framework that goes into all of these things.

And I'm hoping in the future I can talk a little bit more about ACT,

Acceptance and commitment therapy,

Which really goes into it's based off relational frame theory,

Which is kind of those network of words and relations to words.

Right.

And so we all might have a different relation to words like,

You know,

For example,

If I say tomato soup,

You know,

That could have a personal connotation for someone like,

You know,

Maybe their mom made them tomato soup forever.

And when they were sick or maybe someone else,

They threw up tomato soup one time.

And so,

Like,

Tomato soup would be aversive to them.

Right.

So really consider,

You know,

This seven thirty eight fifty five rule that we're talking that,

You know,

We started this with,

You know,

How accurate do you feel like that is or for you?

What are the different pieces of communication that you feel like fit for you?

Right.

Is it the spoken words that mean more to you?

Is it the voice or the tone that it's spoken with?

Is it the body language?

Again,

You know,

Again,

Speaking of voice and tone,

You know,

I'm recording this in English.

English is my primary language.

I wouldn't say that I'm fluent in any other language.

But,

You know,

You listen to a song,

You know,

Like go,

You know,

Pause this or after this,

Google any song.

Write this down.

Right.

And then you can just listen to a song in French.

And,

You know,

If you don't know French,

A language you don't know,

And just listen to the song or write or listen to a speaker who is speaking in a different language and just listen to the voice and the tone and see if you can kind of tell what they're trying to get across.

And then maybe,

You know,

Look up the words,

The translation and see if what you were hearing translates to the words that they were going.

Right.

That could be a very interesting exercise.

I've done that before.

And it's been it's been pretty interesting.

I've done it with younger kids and older adults.

And it's interesting that the things that we pick up on.

Right.

And so that could be great.

So let's talk a little bit about conflict and reducing conflict and handling conflict.

So first,

What I'd like to do is I've got about 10 different steps.

So again,

You can feel free to write these down if you like.

So number one is,

Again,

That conflict either comes from,

You know,

The values,

Issues or miscommunication.

Right.

Maybe there's a mix match in your percentage versus others.

So the number one thing to do to reduce conflict is to take turns speaking and listening to the other person.

And that can be really hard.

Right.

Essentially,

Don't interrupt.

Right.

And number two would be to repeat what the other person says.

So,

You know,

What you can say is what I hear you saying is or do you mean this?

Right.

So you know,

And ask if you're correct.

That's the best way to fight to kind of decrease that miscommunication that we're talking about.

Just ask and say,

I am hearing this.

Is that what you meant?

Right.

And they can expand further and it shows that you care.

Right.

Instead of just assuming and jumping to conclusions.

Number three would be to avoid accusations.

So any sentence that you start with you,

If you're going to start the sentence with you,

Most likely it's going to come across as a attack and probably put the other person on defensive.

Like you did this.

You said such and such.

You are,

You know,

Blank.

That's definitely putting a lot on that other person.

And it's just they're just going to try to volley it right back.

Right.

So number four would be to use I statements like I feel like this when this happens.

Right.

Like I feel like you don't care when you don't change the toilet paper roll.

Right.

Or I think or I believe.

And so using those I statements takes it off of throwing it at them and saying this is how this is responding,

That I am responding to this because sometimes people don't recognize the things that they're saying or doing and how they really impact someone.

So using those I statements helps a give you some of that power back and then also helps you just communicate what's happening and changing their frame a little bit.

Number five is focus on the interests rather than the position.

So what I mean by that is,

You know,

As far as focus on the interests,

Like this is what will fulfill my needs.

So you know,

If the conversation that you're having on this conflict is this is what is going to happen for me.

Keep focused on that.

Right.

Like don't don't get on the what ifs and this has happened in the past or whatever.

Just here we are right now.

Right.

And then rather than positions is,

You know,

This is what I have to have to win.

So the interest is how can we go from here?

And then if you're focusing on the positions,

Then really you're creating this other.

Right.

It's this competition at that point.

Whereas if you're focusing on the interests,

You know how to move forward.

And along with that,

Number six is focus on the future rather than the past.

Again,

If you just where do we go from here?

Right.

It everybody's learning all the time.

And so sometimes we just have to work a little harder than others in those aspects.

Number seven would be to focus on problems and behavior.

So and instead of personalities.

Right.

And so you want to look at what's actually happening as opposed to putting it under this general label.

Right.

When you put something under a general label or you say this is my personality.

I don't know about you,

But I don't think I've ever met anyone who was like,

Oh,

I can change that.

No.

When you say this is my personality or this is,

You know,

Just the way I am.

People that that's a very stuck way.

That's a stuck frame.

Right.

Because when you're looking at that,

You can't really get out of that.

And so I think that would be important to really focus on the problems and the behavior,

What's happening as opposed to a personality,

Which is like a values judgment on somebody.

When you may you may be incorrect about their values that they may be showing their values in a different way.

Like,

Again,

That might be a values miscommunication.

Number eight is to break the problem into smaller parts.

So tackling the easiest one first.

Right.

So looking at,

OK,

What do I need to do to get to where I'm going?

And instead of looking at this huge monumental issue.

Right.

OK,

Well,

What do we start with?

What's the easiest thing we can start with?

From a behavioral perspective,

You want to build some behavioral momentum.

And you cannot do that if you start with the biggest thing.

And if you really needed those smaller steps first.

And yeah,

You just you got to start small.

Some people can bite off the whole,

You know,

The whole cheeseburger.

And some people have to take it in smaller bites or take off the bread or do what you need to do.

Right.

Just do what you need to do to be able to nourish yourself and be able to move forward from this conflict.

Right.

Number nine is definitely about compromise.

Right.

You either split the difference.

You look for tradeoffs in a relationship.

It's a it's a two way street.

Right.

And there's something that you can't live with.

That means that it's against your values.

And that's OK.

And that can hurt.

Right.

That can really hurt.

But is it you know,

It's do you want to keep living in conflict or do you want to keep not resolving this issue?

Or is there a way that you guys can kind of compromise and maybe just learn more about each other's values to be able to figure out how to make that work for you both?

And number 10 is,

You know,

Just be creative and flexible.

Right.

The more rigid that we are,

Typically,

The more problems we have with ourselves,

With our relationships,

With the world around us,

The more flexible that we are is it helps us adjust better.

It builds our resilience.

And so with that,

There are still boundaries that need to be had,

You know,

Again,

Knowing your values and knowing what is important to you and what is not really can help you set those boundaries.

So that way,

You know,

If you're going against those or not.

But you want to be flexible and you want to be adjustable because sometimes you may not recognize how something may or may not fit with your values.

And so you want to be able to adjust with that and learn more about them.

And so a lot of times when you're looking at a conflict,

I mean,

There's just no way that,

You know,

This is going to happen.

You guys are not able to compromise.

It's not going to happen.

You know,

You kind of want to start looking at a cost benefit analysis.

So we were talking about reinforcement and punishment earlier.

You can look at it from that frame to,

You know,

A pros and cons list,

If you will,

Of looking at what it doesn't necessarily mean the number of items.

Right.

It doesn't mean that there's five things in pros and two in cons.

So that means that's great.

Now,

You want to look at not necessarily the quantity,

But the quality of the items.

Right.

What is important to you?

Look at those values and does those things on the pros and cons,

Do they align with yours?

And look at it from that frame.

Look at it from that and say,

Is this costing me or is this benefiting me?

Is this costing maybe other people around me as well or is this benefiting other people?

And that's you really want to look at that to be able to know when is the time to move on.

Right.

When is it time?

I won't answer that question for you because I can't.

Right.

You know the relationship and you know your boundaries and your values and you know all of those things.

I don't.

Right.

I would say that at the point,

You know,

When it's time to move on is when it no longer is you have tried.

Right.

Like you have put in some effort,

You put in some work and that cost benefit analysis just keeps showing you.

Right.

And those actions keep showing you that there's not growth.

And now it's time to move on.

A lot of times people think that that means like,

OK,

You just cut that person out and you're done forever.

Right.

Not necessarily.

Sometimes that just means you need to distance from that person.

Maybe don't give them as much power in your life.

Maybe that means that you do need a temporary cut or a temporary distancing.

Maybe they have some work to do and it's not your job to do their work for them.

Right.

You can do your work and you can help encourage them and you can be there for that person.

But you cannot you cannot make someone grow if they don't want to grow.

Right.

There's just that means their roots may just not be where they need to be.

You can water it all day long,

But if they don't have a firm foundation for themselves,

Then,

You know,

You've got to let them let them find that.

And sometimes you're the person to do that and sometimes you're not.

And that's OK.

That sometimes hurts too.

Right.

And especially if you love people and you really always want to be encouraging others,

It can be hard to know that sometimes you're just not you're just not the right fit for that job.

And that doesn't mean you're not the right fit for another job.

But that particular one,

It's just time to go.

You know,

So kind of speaking of boundaries,

Let's talk a little bit about this word codependency.

So what that means is it's an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner.

And it's usually in the context of illness or addiction,

But not always.

Right.

Codependency can sometimes and a lot of times an illness can mean a lot of things.

It can mean anxiety.

It can mean bipolar.

It can mean a plethora of different things.

Addiction could be any kind of addiction.

Right.

And that's relative and subjective to kind of the situation that you're in.

There's definitely a lot of resources on codependency.

Let me see.

I actually can't.

There's one that comes to mind.

But for some reason,

I can't think of it.

Oh,

Melody Beatty.

She has got some great work on codependency and some different workbooks and things to move through that.

And something that kind of goes along with it is enmeshment.

Right.

So it's when you've got someone just kind of in this difficult situation and it's hard to escape.

And that can be in mother daughter relationships.

That can be in familial relationships.

That can be in friendships where enmeshment where you're just kind of like those boundaries you've crossed them in this relationship.

And that isn't necessarily where it was supposed to be.

Right.

Like that relationship maybe isn't really supposed to look like that.

And I say supposed to a little loosely.

Right.

Because there aren't a lot of definitions to what a real relationship looks like.

And it depends on the person and the context and the environment.

But there could be a time if you are so enmeshed in a situation where you can't set a boundary,

That's usually a signal that enmeshment or codependency is occurring.

And another thing that kind of comes into play with some of this on the other side of it is being closed off or emotionally unavailable.

So that's someone who cannot really who just can't make that connection.

Right.

And that could be for a lot of different reasons.

And again,

That could be temporary.

But usually it is more to do with the other person than it does the person with whom it's affecting.

Right.

And so it's something to keep in mind is that it's likely not personal and likely is happening to other people.

Right.

And with that particular person,

You know,

If that person that you're thinking of when I say closed off or emotionally unavailable,

Chances are you're not the only one.

Right.

That that person's behavior like that is affecting.

And so it's really important to have healthy boundaries.

And again,

That goes back to knowing your values.

Right.

Knowing how those interact with your relationships,

Knowing yourself,

Knowing what is kind of a deal breaker for you.

What is kind of pushing your buttons?

What is,

You know,

What is acceptable for you and what what what keeps you going and what keeps you moving?

Right.

And once you know that you can you can put those healthy boundaries up and it doesn't have to be this big huge stone wall.

Right.

It can it can just be a little fence.

It can just be,

You know,

Even just a little line that you put there.

When somebody crosses it,

You you need to have that to know when someone crosses it to be able to be better for yourself.

When you're your better self and you are your cup is full,

You're able to really give to those other relationships because chances are if you're dealing with a relationship that has codependency or enmeshment or someone who's emotionally unavailable,

Chances are that's affecting a lot of your other relationships.

And so that's just something to kind of to keep in mind there.

And speaking of vulnerability and empathy,

We were kind of touching a little bit on that earlier.

You know,

I know we're talking about boundaries,

But on the flip side of that,

There's also this vulnerability.

Right.

I know I kind of keep saying here's this,

But here's this other piece of it.

And really,

Ultimately,

It comes down to balance.

Right.

So you want to have healthy boundaries,

Right?

Healthy ones,

Not a lack thereof or too many.

You want to have a healthy boundaries for you.

With vulnerability.

I mean,

That's something that I can say I have struggled with for a long time.

But Brene Brown does a lot of vulnerability work.

And I have read several books and I'm definitely reading some of them,

Continuing to.

I haven't read all of them,

But she does so much work on vulnerability and empathy.

And,

You know,

As we said earlier,

Relationships take work.

Right.

They are hard.

And empathy is really that ability to be able to be in someone else's shoes.

Right.

Brene Brown has a short video that talks about empathy and it talks about saying,

Like,

Well,

At least,

You know,

At least you have shoes or at least this didn't happen.

And usually when you're saying that,

I'm going to tell you that that's not empathy,

Specifically according to this video.

That is not empathy.

That is still kind of condescending is how I take it.

Well,

At least this.

And it's a oh,

Well,

You shouldn't feel sorry for yourself.

Right.

You shouldn't feel that shit.

Right.

You should not feel that way.

There's a saying that you shouldn't shit on yourself or anyone else.

And that's that's really what that's doing.

And so ultimately,

You know,

In the video and you can definitely Google it and go find it,

You know,

Brene Brown empathy video.

And it talks about,

You know,

When someone's in the hole instead of oh,

At least this or at least that and shitting on them or whatever,

Or trying to give them a ladder to get them out.

And you have a hole with them and being like,

You know,

Me and this sucks.

I hear that.

Like maybe you've been there and maybe you haven't.

But just being there to listen is is really important.

And,

You know,

Maybe they do need something.

But a lot of times people just need to know that someone cares and they can be there.

Right.

Feelings are temporary.

They're not permanent.

Sometimes they may feel permanent.

And that's usually a signal that there's something bigger going on.

Right.

Whether it's a chemical or an environmental,

There's there's something up.

Right.

But most feelings are temporary.

And when you try to cut them off too soon and you try to bottle them up,

What happens?

Right.

They find a way to come up.

So it's better to just let it happen.

And that's a very vulnerable place to be.

Right.

That leads to vulnerability.

And being vulnerable,

We always think of them and say,

Oh,

That's weak.

Right.

But it's not.

It's actually a source of strength.

Being able to be vulnerable and come out of that temporary situation and move forward has so much power and strength in that.

And so being vulnerable and being honest and genuine can be really hard and it is hard for a lot of people.

And letting your guard down,

I will say,

Again,

I mentioned I've been reading her stuff and you know,

This is something I still struggle with.

You know,

A lot of times I feel like I've got empathy.

And maybe in some cases I don't.

But also when you start to have a lack of empathy,

You recognize that maybe you're experiencing burnout or,

You know,

You've got too much on your plate or,

You know,

I get all of these things that we've talked about that kind of leads to conflict or disgruntelness.

I don't know if that's a word,

But it is now.

And,

You know,

Things like that.

Typically,

What that means is that there is something else going on and we need to find out what that is.

Right.

And sometimes it's not really just the situation in front of us.

Sometimes it is.

But we have to slow down and find out what that is before we can really do anything with it.

Right.

So,

You know,

On this line of boundaries and vulnerabilities,

There's some good ways to to be vulnerable,

But still have healthy boundaries,

Is to communicate your thoughts with one another.

Right.

So communicate your thoughts with the person that you're in that relationship with.

Be like,

I don't even know.

Is this healthy?

Is this toxic?

Like maybe have those conversations and be a little more direct to see,

See what they think.

You know,

They may think that they may be like,

Oh,

Yeah,

I really kind of need some help.

Right.

And maybe you saying that kind of helps give them that.

They also may not respond.

Great.

But,

You know,

You you would be communicating what you need at that point.

And assumptions,

As you've heard,

Make an ass out of you and me.

Right.

And then assume or guess your partner's feelings.

Kind of go back to that I statements,

Those that reflective listening that I'm hearing you say that says that right.

You know,

And,

You know,

When you use this word,

I heard that's right.

And that gives them an opportunity to either change their wording or explain further,

Say yes or no.

You know,

That was right.

That sort of thing.

Another thing is to just follow through on what you say.

Right.

People learn how to treat you by how you let them treat you.

Right.

And that's not specific to you.

That's other people.

Like maybe everybody in this one person's life has always been to their you know what they wanted.

Right.

And I'm going to use the example of like a quote unquote,

Spoiled child.

Right.

And so you've got this kid and everyone is there.

Well,

And then,

You know,

Let's say you're a teacher or you're an answer or something.

And I could come to you and like,

Man,

You've got this boundary and they learn what a healthy boundary is.

Right.

And so following through on what you say is really important if you're like and I'm using kids because it's a very easy example.

But you can definitely translate that to other relationships.

You know,

For example,

Like my kids,

If I say you cannot have Oreos for dinner,

But I leave them on the table.

Oh,

Guess what?

I'm kind of setting them up to fail.

Right.

And so you just got to follow through on what you say and really set it up for success.

For your success or for that other person.

Right.

And take responsibility for your actions.

And that's so hard.

Right.

Everyone,

Not everyone,

But at some point,

I'm sure you've encountered someone who does not take responsibility for their actions.

And I,

You know,

Think about that for a second.

You can pause this.

You can just kind of note it to think about later or just as we're doing this,

Think about it.

But,

You know,

The person who's not taking responsibility for their actions,

Like,

Tell me what is that?

What does that mean to you when they're not taking responsibility?

I've definitely heard a lot of parents again say,

You know,

My kid doesn't take responsibility for their actions.

And,

You know,

What does that mean?

Does that mean to you that they don't care?

Does that mean that they're not respecting your boundaries?

Does that mean that they're not feeling comfortable or authentic?

And the way that you do that is to model that and do that and show that there's not there shouldn't be a fear element there.

Right.

You can apologize.

You can say,

You know what?

I did that.

How do I fix it?

How do I change it?

How do I not do that in the future?

Right.

I personally,

If someone corrects,

I don't like to be corrected.

I'll just be honest there.

And so taking responsibility for my actions is like,

I'm like,

OK,

Great.

This is you have given me this feedback.

I will take it and I will make sure to incorporate it because I don't I don't want to have to be corrected again.

But correction is good because that gives us feedback.

And that can change,

You know,

Over time,

Like the feedback for a particular thing.

You know,

For example,

If you're writing a manuscript,

Right,

You may go through tons of edits.

Right.

And so that kind of goes back to that being flexible and maybe the idea in your final product is nothing like what you thought it was going to be at the beginning.

But it's it's changed with you changing.

Right.

So another thing that you can do is clarify your personal boundaries.

We talked about that and communicating your boundaries.

Right.

And letting people know that's where that is,

Whether it's in the moment or beforehand,

You know,

Like,

Let's say,

You know,

Families coming over.

Hey,

Guys,

Don't touch the guitar on the wall or,

You know,

Something like that.

You know,

Communicate those.

That was a really basic example.

But the first thing that came to mind.

Another thing is to take responsibility for your needs.

Chances are that other people are going to be taking responsibility for their needs.

And if they're not,

There might be a little bit of that,

Like codependency or enmeshment going on.

Right.

So take responsibility for your needs.

And that can be really hard.

We talked a little bit earlier about starting small with different different things,

Like a different conflict,

Starting small and making small steps.

Do the same thing for yourself.

Right.

Take responsibility for your needs and advocating for yourself.

That can be really hard.

Definitely another talk,

Though,

For that.

And again,

Know when it's time to move on.

So know and you don't have to have this criteria going into a relationship.

Right.

But knowing when something is not serving you and it is not lifting you up and it is not continuing to grow you when it is causing you to become stagnant and it's causing you to to rot.

Right.

Like that's when you know something needs to change,

Whether it's with that person,

It's with you or it's with the relationship itself.

But you have to really take a step back and look at it.

And sometimes getting an outside person to help is really the biggest help of someone who's objective.

Right.

And following your best friend can be helpful,

But it can also they have their own biases and things as well.

So finding someone who's not even in the situation might might be helpful.

But depending on the situation,

Someone closer probably has some good wisdom for you as well.

And so something that I'd like you to consider right now is,

You know,

What are your boundaries?

You know,

When are people is it good for people to text you and call you?

What kind of topics is it appropriate to talk with different people about?

Right.

Whether it's professionally or or with your friends or your family.

Right.

And it might be different for each one.

But what I'd love for you to do with the rest of the time that you have dedicated to this,

Or maybe if you want to table it for later,

Is think about what are your values?

Right.

And again,

Look at that card source if that helps you a value card.

So you just put that in.

You'll find a couple of different ones.

What's great about those is they have some premade preset values that give you some ideas,

But you may have other ones.

Right.

So to consider those,

There's not just a certain number of values.

There's an infinite number.

And it just depends on what's important to you.

Look at what are your boundaries.

Right.

So where is the line that you know you are no longer going towards your values,

But that you're walking away from them?

Right.

So if it's a spouse who has an alcohol addiction.

Right.

You know,

What is your boundaries if they are,

You know,

Coming to a party and they've been drinking since 8 a.

M.

And the party's at six.

Right.

You know,

Is that a boundary for you?

How do you how do you navigate that?

Right.

So think about that.

Think about the different situations.

Think about your relationships and and think about your different relationships,

Because those boundaries and those values are different for those kind of different relationship levels.

I'll say,

You know,

Like someone that you meet on the bus,

You probably aren't going to tell your deepest,

Darkest secrets to you.

Sometimes you might.

But likely you're not.

Again,

It depends on the environment,

I'm sure.

But,

You know,

Really,

Really consider those questions.

Think about what are your values,

What are your boundaries and,

You know,

What are those different relationship levels and what are those values and boundaries within those?

Well,

I hope that this gave you some food for thought and was helpful for you.

And I would love to hear your feedback on this.

And yeah,

We'll have some more talks about some of these other concepts that we talked about,

Like the acceptance and commitment therapy,

A little bit about relational frame theory,

Talking about the words involved.

Yeah.

And we'll just kind of go from there.

So thanks for listening.

I look forward to your feedback and take some time and really consider those questions for yourself.

Reviews

Super helpful in deciphering Al my relationships. Thank you!

Thank you for being xainkg everything clearly. This was very helpful!