Have you ever felt helpless and discouraged because you don't know what to do when your child is having a tantrum or struggling?
Have attempts been met with resistance or seem to make matters worse?
Well,
I'm so glad that you found this audio.
My name is Jess,
And I'm excited to share what I have realized and things that have been really helpful for me and my children during these times.
Now,
I want you to imagine for a moment that your child is having a tantrum.
It is so normal to want to make it stop and to help them feel better so that they stop screaming,
Throwing themselves on the ground,
Or tossing items.
Of course you want them to feel peaceful again and stop these behaviors.
Maybe you try asking them to take deep breaths,
You offer a distraction,
Or you do something in attempts to make them laugh.
And sometimes,
Those things do help.
None of those techniques are bad or wrong,
And if it occurs to you to do them,
By all means go ahead.
But what about those times when these strategies don't work at all,
Or the screaming gets louder and their actions get more dramatic?
In order to explain what you can do in those moments,
I invite you to picture a shaken up snow globe.
The snow represents your child's thoughts and feelings that are really intense.
If I handed you a shaken up snow globe,
What would you do to make the snow settle?
Would you ask it to take deep breaths,
Offer it a toy,
Or tell it a joke?
No,
Of course you wouldn't,
Because you know none of those things would be helpful when it comes to a snow globe.
You know that if you put it on a solid,
Secure surface,
The snow will naturally settle on its own.
Well,
The same is true for your child's thoughts and feelings.
They will settle on their own.
But please,
Don't just take my word for it.
Experiment with this for yourself.
In the moments when your child is having a temper tantrum,
Be like the table.
Be that solid,
Secure,
Safe place for your child to experience whatever is moving through them,
And give them the time for their thoughts and feelings to settle on their own.
Now,
Sometimes your child is not having a tantrum,
But is obviously distraught.
Parenting can feel really difficult when there's a belief that it is your responsibility to fix or change your child's emotional experience.
Particularly when your child is feeling scared,
Sad,
Angry,
Disappointed,
Or frustrated.
You want to make it go away.
You want to solve the problem for them.
The mind starts searching for the cause of this feeling so you can deal with the problem.
You want them to feel happy and content again.
If this sounds familiar,
I get it.
I've been there myself many times.
The reality is,
Though,
That you can't make your children feel anything.
No one and nothing can make a feeling come or go away.
Feelings arise,
Shift,
And change on their own.
This doesn't,
However,
Make you helpless or irrelevant.
Providing a safe place for your children to come when they are experiencing these emotions,
Validating their experience,
Offering comfort,
And deeply listening with curiosity are all things that can be incredibly valuable.
By doing this,
You are sending the message that their feelings are okay.
They don't say anything about who they are as a person,
And that you are available and not afraid of their experience.
I'd love to hear what comes up for you when you hear that it is not your responsibility to change your child's feelings.
I think it's important to point out that all feelings are safe,
Okay,
And temporary.
When this is seen,
The desire to fix their experience tends to decrease.
No matter how intense or what they are experiencing,
They are fundamentally okay.
What your child is feeling may be difficult for them in the moment,
But they are whole and complete,
Underneath and even in the emotional storm.
And sometimes you just need to be there or be available until the storm passes.
It's also very common and human to feel triggered when your child is feeling big emotions.
Consciously or not,
You may want them to feel better so that you feel better.
This isn't a problem,
But it is an invitation to get curious.
What is being believed about you as a parent or your child?
Is the mind making predictions about their future?
The brain might be making connections between how you were treated as a child during an emotional storm and what you are witnessing in your child.
Were you told or sent the message as a child that all of your feelings were safe,
Okay,
And not something that needs to be controlled or fixed?
Do you know that your feelings don't say anything about you and that you are whole and complete no matter what you are feeling?
If not,
This message is for you too.
