Metta Mondays - May 16, 2022

Metta meditation uses words, images, and feelings to evoke feelings of compassion and friendliness. It is a method of developing unconditional love and acceptance toward oneself and others. A regular Metta practice can function to soften one’s relationship with overwhelmingly afflictive mind states so that we can avoid succumbing completely to their energies. It makes them more approachable and it makes them less intractable.

Transcript

Hello there.

Thank you for joining us tonight.

I'm Jeffrey.

This is Med Mondays.

Welcome to Being Human.

We don't judge here at the Brentwood Society for Insight,

But I would have never guessed that you were surely all three of you.

But thank you for joining.

Before we start with the grounding practice,

Please allow me to remind you that as humans we have powerful thought generating machines sitting inside our skulls.

And that expecting them to stop throwing out ideas and suggestions would be like trying to stop the rain from falling by standing outside and shaking your fist up at the sky.

The rain may in fact stop,

But as a student of economics in a past life,

I can't help but repeat the phrase correlation does not equal causality.

As we do our short grounding practice,

Remember your mind will wander or throw out ideas.

It's not our job to prevent these thoughts,

But to simply allow them to appear and then dissipate through the simple act of acknowledging them without self judgment or effort.

We often use breath as an anchor,

Something to give our mind to pay attention to.

The practice of meditation comes when we notice that we've been distracted by the thought and then return to the anchor.

The grounding practice is to allow your physical being to be present and to welcome and help settle our thought generating machines into the space both physically and virtually.

This will enable the body and mind to be present,

To be here,

Together.

So last week we tried a walking version of a grounding practice,

Which I quickly realized being attached to technology via wire didn't allow me to walk very well.

I'm not going to do that,

But for anybody who found that to be helpful or a change from what they might normally do and always a big fan of change,

I would encourage you to give it a shot again if you'd like.

For those who didn't,

I'm going to do a modified version of a walking meditation,

But instead of actually standing up,

I'll be placing my hands on my knees and I'll be imitating the standard walking pace using my hands as if they were my feet on my legs.

If that doesn't work for you,

That's certainly fine.

You're always welcome to sit back,

Relax,

Take some breaths and allow both your body and mind to settle and enter the space here together.

So as I'm taking one or two steps,

With my hands on my thighs,

I'm cognizant of the feeling of the heel of my hand and rolling forward through to my fingers and sensing both the hand coming down and the feeling in the thigh.

If you've chosen to be seated,

Allow yourself to see if it's possible to feel or sense the chair coming up to hold you.

You can often be aware of the chairs we sit on.

It's us coming down to the chair.

This instance,

If you're able to sense it,

There might be a sense more in here than actually on your bottom or your thighs.

Perhaps you can notice a sense of the chair coming up to meet and hold you,

Provide you with support.

If you're choosing to lay down and enjoy this,

I am envious in the way that it would be my favorite thing to do.

But having done it and learned from my mistakes,

Which sometimes takes a couple of times,

If I get too comfortable and at peace,

I end up transitioning directly into sleep,

Which there's definitely nothing wrong with.

But if our intention is to ground ourselves in the present moment,

Drifting off into never-never land is perhaps not the ultimate goal or end result we're after.

But perhaps relaxing all the same.

We take the last minute or so.

See if you're able to sense your breath.

You don't need to change or manipulate it in any way.

Instead,

Simply observe.

See if you're able to get a sense of where you feel and notice it.

Maybe the rush of air through your nostrils,

The rush of the chest,

Or maybe way down in your belly.

And one of the best parts of this,

Watching and noticing,

Is wherever you happen to notice it,

Is not wrong,

It's exactly where it should be.

If it's chosen to close your eyes or if that's just happened naturally,

I'd invite you to open them.

At the same time,

If you wish to leave them closed,

Again,

There is no right.

Whatever works best for you.

Before we dive into the core practice of loving-kindness or metta meditation,

Just to share some interesting thoughts and experiences I've had recently.

The catalyst for the discussion today is based on a question I've heard from my son a number of times,

And specifically twice at least,

Just this past weekend.

Simple question,

How did I do?

After two spirited out-of-town lacrosse matches,

He waited until we got back into the truck to leave the arena,

And once we were both in with the doors closed,

I had yet to even start the engine,

And he asked,

How,

Dad,

How did I do?

As I've done in the past,

I did what any parent would do in this situation,

The best they could given the circumstances,

Their experiences,

Observing their own parents,

And whatever other life experiences and learnings they could think to apply to such a situation.

In my case,

I'm a big fan of repetition,

And so I get into a regular routine that seems to be working,

And I tend to try and stick with that,

And I'm sure my son already knows the answer will be,

Just as he knows the two things I tell him before any vigorous sporting event.

There's two rules.

One,

Have fun.

Two,

Keep your head up and protect yourself at all times.

My initial response to his question of,

Dad,

How did I do?

Was perhaps rooted in my many years and thousands of dollars of experience in counseling,

Which I highly recommend to everyone and anyone I can,

Was a question back to him.

How did you think you did today?

He doesn't always have the patience for that,

But usually by the time he's sufficiently recovered from his expenditure of energy,

And I get a bit of a rundown on how he thought the game went.

And he often asked me again,

How do you think I did,

Dad?

My response to the second question,

Or to the second asking of the question,

Is typically,

Do you feel like you tried your best?

This often causes me to have to redirect him a bit as he'll perform some post-game analysis on his play and pick out a few things that he could have done differently.

I try and clarify that with hindsight,

Even the best athletes in the world could look back at a sporting match and find things they could have done differently to improve their play and potentially the outcome of the game.

But that does not answer my question.

What I'm trying to get at with him is that if he can honestly look himself in the mirror and say he tried his best,

Then that is really all that matters at a high level.

For the most part,

He usually states that he tried his best.

Sometimes with caveats,

How I felt a bit off,

How I was a little bit tired,

How my legs were sore,

But again,

That's not really my question.

I'm just asking him to examine.

Given the situation he was in,

Did he try his best?

Again,

Almost always,

Eventually says,

Yeah.

This weekend,

After going through this routine twice in less than 24 hours,

I started to think to myself,

Why was I asking him these questions?

I couldn't articulate it even to myself at first.

But now,

To the benefit of time and hindsight,

I believe that in my own way,

I'm trying to help him learn to be compassionate towards himself.

And that although sometimes you might like to hear the opinions of others,

There simply that,

The opinions of others.

And these opinions of others,

In my opinion,

Should not define you.

I love my son,

And I'm proud of all the great things that he does,

Even if it's admitting and apologizing for a mistake that he made.

But my hope for him is that regardless of what I or anyone else thinks about him or anything he has done,

What really matters most is what he thinks of himself.

And that he has the power of compassion.

And from my perspective,

Hopefully he doesn't need too often.

But regardless,

He also has the power to forgive himself.

In today's society where people suffer poor mental health that can be in part attributed to social media,

Body,

Image issues,

Assessing one's value by the number of likes,

Making unfair or irrelevant comparisons to others or lifestyles is depicted.

Simple pictures.

I wish for him that he's able to develop a strong enough internal sense of self-esteem that these kinds of things will not impact him.

It's got me thinking further about the opinions of others and how they can impact not only my son,

But all of us.

In doing so,

I recall this section from a 1994 book.

It's a good year,

1994.

Author's Deepak Chopra.

It's not an exact quote.

I've shortened it slightly for our purposes.

It goes along the lines of,

Whether you like it or not,

Everything that is happening at this moment is a result of the choices you've made in the past.

Unfortunately,

A lot of us make choices unconsciously,

And therefore we don't think they're choices.

And yet they are.

If I were to insult you,

You would most likely make the choice of being offended.

If I were to pay you a compliment,

Well,

Hopefully,

But you would most likely make the choice of being pleased or flattered.

But think about it.

It's still a choice.

I could offend you,

I could insult you,

And you could make the choice of not being offended.

I could pay you a compliment and you could make the choice of not letting you,

Not letting that flutter you either.

In other words,

Most of us have become bundles of conditioned reflexes that are constantly being triggered by people and circumstances into predictable outcomes of behavior.

Our reactions seem to be automatically triggered by people and circumstances,

And we forget that these are still choices that we are making in every moment of our existence.

We are simply making these choices unconsciously.

If you step back for a moment and witness the choices you're making as you make those choices,

Then in just this act of witnessing,

You take the whole process from the unconscious realm to the conscious realm.

This procedure of conscious choice making and witnessing can be very empowering.

So I often like to try and repeat quotes,

But it's a bit of a longer one,

So hopefully you got what you needed from it and the universe provided it to you at just the right moment.

For myself,

I'm going to consciously make the choice not to get into a long rant about how it appears to me this is playing out in today's society.

This is neither the time nor the place.

But more importantly,

How the practice of loving kindness helps to unwire some of our conditioned reflexes that might historically kick in when other humans around us do or say certain things.

In recognizing that we are all human beings and realizing that we have the ability to make our own choices without allowing our conditioned reflexes to potentially trigger our amygdala,

Which then has the power to override our prefrontal cortex.

Our metapractice over time can help us take even the briefest moment to reflect on the situation and make a more informed,

More creative,

And more compassionate response.

All things that happen in the prefrontal cortex when it's not hijacked by the amygdala.

And before beginning our loving kindness practice,

For those of you who may be wondering still,

Yes,

I do eventually provide my son with feedback on his game.

Things I noticed from the stands and with the benefit of hindsight and attempt to share them with him in a very non-judgmental and compassionate manner.

But when he plays his best,

It's hard to make too many comments other than well done.

As we always do,

Let us take a moment to remind ourselves that when practicing loving kindness meditation,

We do not do it to accomplish a goal or prove a point.

Metta has no conditions.

It does not depend on whether one deserves it or not.

It is not restricted to friends and family.

It extends out from personal categories to include all living beings.

There are no expectations of anything in return.

It is merely a process to experience and enjoy.

So let us begin our practice this evening simply.

If you're still settled into a comfortable position,

Well done,

Good job,

Keep it up.

If you want to readjust,

Back into a comfortable position,

It's going to work for you.

Laying down,

Seated with your feet up,

Seated with your feet down,

Standing.

Whatever is going to work easiest for you and your situation.

You choose to leave your eyes open.

If you do,

My only suggestion would be to allow your gaze to soften.

If you feel more comfortable closing your eyes,

Then that's exactly what you should do.

Let your body rest.

Let your heart be soft.

If you happen to be human like me,

At any time find that your mind has wandered.

Be kind to yourself.

Gently bring your focus back to my voice.

This time I'd invite you to take some slow,

Deep breaths.

Nothing forced.

Maybe a little deeper than just a moment or two ago.

Still nice and relaxed.

Notice if you can feel the air moving through your nostrils.

Maybe you notice it at the tip of your nose.

Maybe you notice it on your upper lip.

Maybe neither.

Depending on how you're seated,

Perhaps your hands are resting on your belly and that's where you notice it.

Gentle rising and falling with your breath.

Today if it works for you,

Maybe start with sensing the tips of your fingers.

Little muscles inside.

Each little joint.

Each knuckle.

See if you're able to sense or feel those little muscles in each joint of each finger.

Gently relax.

Let go.

You can imagine that sense of calm,

Relaxation.

Move maybe up into your wrists.

Your forearms.

For those of us that have full use of both hands and arms,

We are very lucky.

We can thank them for all that they do that we often take for granted.

Allowing the sense of calm,

Relaxed sense to continue up your arms,

Through into your shoulders.

Often where I hold tension without noticing it.

If you happen to notice sometimes your shoulders are up by your ears,

Welcome to the club.

If not,

Congratulations.

But either way,

We are very thankful for various muscles in our neck,

Back.

Those of us who are able to.

Muscles and joints holding our heads.

Moving our arms.

Perhaps they feel a sense of calm and relaxation.

Slowly move down your back.

Perhaps noticing each vertebrae.

Separated by a little balancing disc.

I don't think how wobbly it could all be.

But for those of us who are lucky to have full maneuverability.

Imagine each of the vertebrae starting to put the neck all the way down between your shoulder blades,

Your upper back.

Connects into the ribs,

Lower back.

It's there working tandem with your abs muscles.

And then down into your hips.

The last couple.

Ending in a little soft rounded shovel.

It sort of provides some support.

You can almost imagine it holding us.

We are actually able to provide ourselves with that support.

That feeling of relaxation to continue down and through your legs.

Wonderful muscles for those of us who are lucky enough to be able to use them or watch them be used.

Walking,

Running,

Sports.

Big muscles working in tandem with the little muscles.

We can be thankful.

Thank you.

Big muscles and little muscles.

This is an opportunity where we can allow them to take a little time out.

Just relax and be.

I invite you to think about someone you love with great ease.

Picture,

Imagine,

Think of someone who is easy to love.

Someone where love comes simply and is uncomplicated.

Start where it's easiest first to open the heart.

Many of us may choose to begin with a child or a four legged friend.

Or a hamster.

I guess they have four legs too.

Whatever is the easiest for you,

Go for it.

There is no wrong.

While picturing this being,

Breathe gently and recite inwardly the following traditional phrases adapted for use today directed towards their well-being.

May you be filled with compassion.

May you be well in body and mind.

May you be free from expectation.

May you be at ease and filled with acceptance.

May you be safe from inner and outer dangers.

May you be filled with love and kindness.

As you repeat the phrases,

Hold this loved one.

Kindness and let the feelings permeate your body and mind.

See if you're able to notice or sense where in the body you're happy to notice these feelings.

I invite you to attempt to bring into your mind a second person,

Human,

Child,

Pet.

Again,

Someone for whom love comes easily.

While envisioning this person,

You can extend them.

May you be filled with compassion.

May you be well in body and mind.

May you be free from expectation.

May you be at ease and filled with acceptance.

May you be safe from inner and outer dangers.

May you be filled with love and kindness.

Sometimes it may feel mechanical or awkward to recite the phrases,

But that's perfectly fine.

That is the practice.

It's also possible that feelings can come up even when picturing the most easiest,

Most lovable people,

Humans,

Animals,

Perhaps even irritation or anger.

There's no need to attempt to try and figure out why or how come or what for.

If it happens,

Simply be patient and kind with yourself and observe those thoughts.

Curious awareness without judgment.

Think of a third person.

If it's possible.

See if there's someone or something that comes to mind that you've recently responded to in a conditioned reflexive way.

Try not to delve deep into someone with whom you've had great conflict.

If you're able to keep it simple,

It generally works much better.

If it doesn't work for you,

That's fine.

Picture a third individual.

But either way,

See if you're able to extend the same wishes of love and kindness to them.

May you be filled with compassion.

May you be well in body and mind.

May you be free from expectation.

May you be at ease and filled with acceptance.

May you be safe from inner and outer dangers.

May you be filled with loving kindness.

Whether the images or feelings are clear or not,

Does not matter.

Simply continue to plant the seeds of loving wishes,

Repeating phrases gently,

No matter what arises.

Now,

If you're ready,

We can turn loving kindness towards ourselves.

Let's start by visioning or imagining the loved ones whom we've just been thinking about.

You can imagine them gazing back at you with the same well wishes that you had been offering them.

Know that they want you,

Too,

To be held in kindness.

If you can,

Picture them saying this to you kindly.

May you be filled with compassion.

May you be well in body and mind.

May you be free from expectation.

May you be at ease and filled with acceptance.

May you be safe from inner and outer dangers.

May you be filled with loving kindness.

If you feel comfortable,

Allow yourself to receive these wishes gratefully.

After a moment,

Take their good wishes into yourself.

You may even wish to place a hand on your heart.

Give yourself a hug.

Hold your belly.

If you feel comfortable,

May you recite to yourself,

May I be filled with loving kindness.

May I be filled with compassion.

May I be well in body and mind.

May I be free from expectation.

May I be at ease and filled with acceptance.

May I be safe from inner and outer dangers.

When you've established a sense of loving kindness for yourself,

You can gradually include other people you care about in your meditation.

Picturing each beloved person,

Recite the same phrases,

Evoking your sense of loving kindness for each person in turn.

After this,

You can include a wider circle of friends,

Then gradually extend your meditation step by step to a picture and include community members,

Neighbors,

People everywhere,

Animals,

All beings,

And the whole Earth.

Now bring your focus and attention back to your body.

Take a moment to feel your body resting calmly.

If you can,

Feel your hands in your lap or your feet resting on the floor.

Allow yourself to notice any sounds or smells.

If you have chosen to close your eyes or if they've closed on their own accord,

Then feel free to allow them to open.

Before taking too much movement,

Take another moment just to simply notice how you feel.

Not judging,

Simply noting how your body feels,

How your mind and spirit feel.

And if you like,

Think about the rest of your day or the rest of your week if you find yourself distracted.

Allow yourself to recall the images of your loved ones and the loving kindness phrases we've been repeating before returning to a mindful state of being in the present moment.

And see if you can spot any of your own conditioned reflexes as they happen.

Simply notice them without judgment and with self-compassion and in the process of simply noting the automatic responses.

They'll start to become less automatic.

Thank you.

And may you all be filled with the feeling of love and kindness.

Welcome to being human.

Well,

We're almost bang on the hour.

We do have a few minutes.

Anybody has any thoughts,

Questions,

Something they'd like to share?

I guess more than welcome.

I think surely if you're speaking,

You may need to unmute yourself.

I think we're good.

Always good to have backups.

Thank you.

Please.

Thank you.

Thank you.

All right.

Well,

It looks like we're bang on the hour.

Thank you again all for coming this evening.

I always find that I don't always know what it is that I need.

Before we start.

By the end.

There it was.

Has been met.

I wish that for all of you as well.

Thank you again.

Look forward to seeing you again soon.

Thank you.