Stop Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage is when we actively or passively take steps to prevent ourselves from reaching our goals. This behaviour can affect nearly every aspect of our lives, be it a relationship, a career goal, or a personal goal such as weight loss. Exploring this leads to far more freedom from our conditioning to strongly enhance ones capacity for intimacy and healthy relationships. A fuller, grounded, awakened wholeness.

Transcript

Self-sabotage uncovered.

Just like our inner child and inner critic,

Our inner saboteur isn't an entity or a thing,

But a process,

It's an activity.

We're not born with it,

But our inner critic starts to take root,

Usually sometime in our second or third year.

And our self-sabotaging tendency soon follows.

Whatever its surface presentation,

Whether it's procrastination,

Unhealthy reshuffling of priorities,

Martyrdom,

Settling for crumbs,

Self-sabotage will remain far from uprooted if we do no more than try to out-wrestle its exterior,

Over-focusing on its behavior.

It's immune to persuasion and self-help pep talks,

However much it might secretly feed on the attention.

While meaning suggestions laden with common sense as how best to proceed may garner an apparent yes or a sign of agreement from us,

But do nothing to impact the underlying no of our self-sabotage.

And know that behind the scenes,

Upstages the agenda of our presenting yes.

When we're caught up in self-sabotage,

We avoid being accountable for what we're actually up to.

Our only requirement is that we beat ourselves up to at least some extent while we are successfully failing at doing something that we know is right for us.

So we let ourselves slip into guilt and its self-punishing rituals.

The guiltier we feel,

The more likely we'll continue to fall short,

Bumping into ourselves enough to slow to a stumble,

Stranded from compassion for ourselves.

Furthermore,

We get to stay small,

Pulled back into being the child who won't give up on something that's not available or not available enough,

But who goes about it in conjunction with adult resignation in ways that obstruct us.

There are three key elements of self-sabotage.

Our self-sabotaging tendency is fundamentally a combination of these three factors that coexist.

Number one,

The significant neglect of our inner child's core needs.

Two,

The overriding of this neglect with what we think we should be doing.

And three,

Rationalization.

So let's try and understand each of these elements of self-sabotage.

The significant neglect of our inner child's core needs,

So this is an underlying layer of self-sabotage.

Such neglect reactivates our original longing to be seen,

Heard,

Felt,

Openly loved,

And given wholehearted attention.

This whatever was absent or was an insufficient supply in our early years.

The greater our aversion to taking care of these needs,

Bring them out of the shadow,

The greater the impact such unattended longing will have,

Regardless of our distance from it.

Consider the image of tiny fists pounding against the inside of our chest,

Muffled but insistent.

Overriding this neglect,

Number two,

Overriding this neglect with what we think we should be doing.

This behavior keeps us oblivious to the core needs underlying it.

So often we try to do the right thing but fall short because in our very trying,

We are divided.

We are divided usually with a part of us that doesn't want to proceed,

Not getting a conscious say in what's going to happen,

But nonetheless still having a considerable impact on what occurs.

The part that doesn't want to proceed with what we think should be done is the neglected child within.

If we do go ahead with what we think needs doing,

We remove our focus from the child,

Not realizing that we're doing so.

What self-sabotage for the adult is self-survival for the child.

I'll say it again,

What self-sabotage for the adult is self-survival for the child.

Like saying I'm going to go on a super healthy diet,

That's declared by the adult,

But the neglected inner child who's still hungry for love doesn't want to.

The third element is rationalization.

When rationalization gets hooked up with the internalized neglect that's being registered,

We may then decide quite automatically to take steps that obstruct,

Derail or otherwise sabotage us in a particular venture while supporting this decision with adult justifications.

Then the eating of the otherwise off-limit cookies is conveniently legitimized for at least the time needed to get them in our mouth.

I deserve a treat after a hard day today,

I can go back to the diet tomorrow.

This unconscious coalition of rationalization and internalized neglect is activated to divert us from what we think we should be doing,

Which is not eating the cookies.

In an effort,

However misguided to bring some attention to what's being ignored,

Which is our original pain.

But this redirection of focus fails as the attention we truly long for falls on our self defeating behavior rather than our core pain.

Then we play the martyr card.

Part of being conditioned to be a martyr is refusing to openly ask for help,

Acting as if we just can't,

Especially when it's really needed and all the while scoring internal good points and probably also some degree of imagined parental approval for being so there for others in need.

It's important to distinguish our inner saboteur from our inner critic.

While our inner critic undermines our sense of self,

Our inner saboteur undermines our direction.

While our inner critic is repetitively flattening,

It has a flattening message.

Our inner saboteur is a repeatedly flattening action.

While our inner critic is a toxic,

Abusive parent,

Our inner saboteur is a rebellious,

Hurt child calling the shots and disguising that by using rational adult language.

So how do we work with self-sabotage?

The first thing is to identify our survival behaviors and develop the ability to name them as they arise and the ability to relate to them so that when they show up,

You don't lose yourself in them.

And I'm going to give you a five-step process of working with the self-sabotage and coming out on the other side.

The first step is to sense the presence of your inner saboteur and you'll notice an internal conflict about taking a certain direction and feel a pull to not do what you think is the best thing to do.

And interestingly,

You'll notice that you're rationalizing this pull,

The pull not to do what you think is the best thing to do.

Now that's the first step,

To sense this inner saboteur arising.

The second step is to name it.

You might say something like,

Self-sabotage is here.

The third is to name its three key elements and attune to each one.

The three key elements are the neglected child,

Which is the basic feelings that are arising.

Ask yourself,

What basic feelings are arising?

And then ask yourself,

What primary or core needs are present?

The next key element is the adult activity,

Which is what you think you should be doing and what's being done to avoid or override your neglect of your primary core needs.

The third element is rationalizing.

What's being said to support the neglected child's victory over the agenda of the adult.

The fourth step in the process is to identify and attend to your primary needs without bypassing your awareness of your secondary needs.

What I mean by that is connecting with your real hunger without losing sight of your appetite for the cookies.

Because you're in touch with that original hunger,

Your pull to the cookies will lessen.

And fifth and the final step in dealing with the self-saboteur is learning how to operate from already present innate wholeness.

Learning from an undivided place,

Responding from your innate wholeness means making decisions not from only part of yourself,

But from your core.

One of the common responses to self-sabotage is that we don't know how this could happen to us.

After all,

We had good intentions.

We were doing our best.

These are alibis after alibis.

I just try this.

Try an uncommon response,

Recognize and turn towards your inner saboteur,

Illuminating it until we see its fundamental components.

Learning to know your inner saboteur really well is an essential step in maturing.

Without such knowing and the uncovering implicit in it,

Your shadow work will remain in the shadows.

Becoming aware of the inner workings of your self-sabotage deepens your capacity to work with your shadow.

It will take a few minutes to understand your real hunger,

But with it.

See yourself visualize responding from your innate wholeness,

From your core of the self.

I I want you to please bring your palms together in a prayer position at your heart center and take a moment to acknowledge how you feel right now.

And if you could summarize how you feel right now in one word,

What would that be?

And I ask that you please go ahead and share that one word in the comments.

Reviews

SAD! When I acknowledge my basic needs and know Thay are not being addressed!
Thank you 🙏

Message received! 🙏🏽 Many thanks!

Confused… not sure what this inner child wants even as I’ve tried to listen and feel. So then what do you do?

I feel Free. What an amazing insightful meditation

This is a meditation I will listen to again. There is a lot of information to take in. 🙏

Exactly what I needed, thank you 🤍 feeling re-attuned to myself.

Wow, I’m hopeful about my self sabotage disappearing, Ty.

Very enlightening. Definitely great ways to identify and correct self-sabotage.

Thank you 🙏🏽

My word: "engaged". Thank you for sharing your insight. Your 5-step method for overcoming self sabotage rings true to me, and I plan to keep this in mind when I feel the inner saboteur poking around.

Curiosity. Thank you 🙏🏻 so much Jay, this was really interesting. It has peaked a curiosity in me to understand what it is I’m neglecting by doing what I “think” I should be doing.
What I’ve learned about myself in all of my inner work is that I have a tendency to always do what I think I should do; follow the rules, do the right thing, no
playtime/enjoyment until work is done, etc. I am going to listen to this again, and have my journal to jot down a few things that come up. 🩷

Thank you for your thought inspiring meditation with supportive guidance 🙏

The one word for me ~ access

“Hopeful”
Thank you so much for this. I desperately need to stop this cycle of self sabotage.

I feel deeply "connected" to my true needs. Thank you ❤️ 🙏

Important work -
Wonderfully explained. Thank you Jay.
💐

Hmm I’ve got work to do! X

aware

Seen.

Enlighten

Empowering!

Self love!

Focused