Meditation For Dealing With Difficult Emotions

Cultivating intimacy with something means becoming sufficiently close to it to know it very, very well. But if we get too close to it, to the point of fusing, we lose the ability to keep it in focus. Learn how to methodically develop intimacy with those difficult parts of your emotional experiences.

Transcript

I want you to go ahead and close your eyes as we're prepared to go into this exercise on developing intimacy with difficult emotions.

Think of an emotion that you're unusually uncomfortable with,

Something that you're least comfortable with.

And if there's more than one,

Pick one that stands out strongly right now.

And as you have your eyes closed,

Bring this to the third eye,

The mind's eye,

A situation in which this emotion strongly emerged.

Breathe a little deeper,

Letting yourself assume the body position that you were in at that time.

Remember how you felt with this emotion.

Let your facial expression reflect this as much as possible.

Now instead of keeping your distance from this emotion,

Pay close attention to it,

Bringing it more into focus,

Simultaneously feeling and observing it.

Now I want you to start taking your attention into particulars of this emotion as if you're wearing a miner's lamp and heading into the mind cave.

Feel the emotions however slightly or slowly,

Even though you are feeling an aversion to this emotion.

It may feel like it wants to take you in the opposite direction,

But just be gentle,

Patient and trust as you look deeper and pure,

Bringing as much precision as possible to your exploration of this emotion.

Take note of its texture.

Take note of its directionality.

Which way does it feel like it's moving as you're becoming more and more intimate and focusing on it?

Does it have any density?

Does it feel heavy?

Does it feel like it's light and just lingering somewhere?

And as you're feeling into this,

How is the temperature?

Are you feeling a sense of warmth or coolness or lukewarm?

And is there a color to this?

Do you see any coloration associated with the feeling of this emotion?

And what about its intensity?

Is it pretty strong?

Mediocre?

Light?

Do you feel any movement?

Is it stagnant or does it feel like it's traveling?

And how does it interact with other emotions as you're feeling into this,

As you're getting comfortable with being with it?

Does it trigger?

Does it seem to be surfacing other emotions?

Now as much as it's maybe discomfortable as you're sitting with this emotion,

Match that discomfort with curiosity.

Now if you stay with this practice long enough,

You'll develop an intimacy with this emotion to the point where it's arising as no longer a major concern.

That you will begin to feel that the rising of this emotion is an opportunity to get to know yourself better and improve your capacity to develop intimacy.

Because remember,

It's only when you know how to be comfortable and intimate with everything that's going on within you,

For who you are,

That you can even begin to become intimate and relate to people outside of yourself.

So begin to be comfortable with this as we sit with this emotion that you're having difficulty with.

And now I'm going to walk you through four steps to developing emotional intimacy.

The first is to identify that which you're feeling.

And at this point,

You begin with just recognizing the emotion without the need for you to know all the details.

For example,

If you're feeling fear,

Simply notice and acknowledge its presence without getting absorbed in any dramatics that accompany it.

And if you're not sure what you're feeling,

Ask yourself as directly as possible,

Am I feeling a little sad?

Am I feeling shame?

Am I feeling peaceful?

Am I feeling disgust?

Am I feeling happy?

Do I sense any guilt?

Am I unhappy?

Am I feeling angry?

Am I jealous?

Am I afraid?

Am I feeling uncomfortable?

Ask sincerely and it's likely that you'll receive some kind of a near instant response to each question,

Usually in the form of relatively visceral yes,

No,

Or maybe.

And look for such a response,

Not in your thoughts,

But in your body,

The intuitive knowingness.

To locate a bodily response,

Notice where in your body you most clearly feel an increase or change in sensation when you ask any one of these above questions.

Then bring more attention to this place in your body,

Noticing what kind of an answer,

What are you feeling?

What's emerging from here?

And this response may be verbal,

Nonverbal,

Or maybe some combination of both.

Place your attention,

Not your thinking mind,

But your bare attention on awareness on whatever it is that you are feeling.

The second step is to directly state what you're feeling.

Once you've identified your feeling,

It's time to state this as simply and straightforward as you can.

This means no fluff,

No smokescreens,

No dramatics,

No obfuscation,

Just the bare facts.

I say bare facts are supposed to be more vague,

Something that's debatable,

Such as,

I feel unheard or I feel like you're not here for me,

Or I feel like I'm wasting my time here,

Which aren't actually expressing an emotional feeling.

And such times we are sharing our perception or our opinion of what's really going on rather than the simple facts of what you're feeling.

So the practice here is to simply state the feeling such as,

I feel angry.

When you're refraining from stating what you're angry or fearful or sad or happy about,

It's just stating your feeling itself.

Practice directly stating what you're feeling in your relationship as much as possible.

After you've said what you're feeling,

Don't immediately follow it with details.

If you've just said that you're feeling angry,

Let the bare fact of that sink in,

Giving yourself and your listener time to settle into and resonate with the reality of what you've just heard.

Not jumping too quickly into the storyline of what you're feeling lower and the odds are that you lose yourself in emotional dramatics.

The third step is to make sure the other person is really hearing what you're saying.

Unfortunately more than a few of us tend to give the cultivation of empathy and emotional resonance a backseat in our interchanges.

Without a significant degree of empathetic attunement,

Our dialogue can easily degenerate into an argument,

Prolonged withdrawal,

Heart-crushing distancing in which we are actually feeling what we're feeling becomes secondary and our interpretation or the debate of it becomes primary.

And if you're on the receiving end,

Let it let in the other sharing of their emotions and their feelings and their whereabouts be clearly felt.

Whether you like it or not,

You're just being there receiving.

And if you're the giver,

If you're the one sharing,

Keep it simple,

Resisting the temptation to cut loose with what you're angry or fearful or ashamed about.

Don't lose touch with what you're feeling.

And if you're alone,

Breathe in what you're feeling and keep opening to it.

Stay with this rawness.

That storyline,

However relevant,

Does not have to be given energy or attention at least at this point.

Don't argue with yourself.

Don't get into a debate with your inner critic about what you're feeling.

Just stay consciously embodied.

Bringing your awareness back to your breath.

You may be quick to find a feel better resolution when you're upset.

And notice your urge to make this happen and keep your focus on your bare feelings,

Bringing into your heart whatever desperation for resolution there may be.

As if you're holding in your arms a crying child.

Notice as much compassion as possible for yourself when your feeling is far from being comfortable.

And the fourth step is to get into the details without losing touch.

The point of articulating the details is to flesh out the context of what you're feeling,

To make sense of it with regard to both your current circumstances and your conditioning of the past.

Once what you're feeling is out in the open and acknowledged for what it is,

Then it's quite natural to give it more context.

This can be done both alone and in the company of others.

If you're by yourself,

Resist getting into the details until you contact with what you're feeling is deep enough to prevent you from being seduced by whatever dramatics accompanied the arising of your emotional state.

In the context of a relationship,

Especially intimate relationship,

It's essential to feel to resonate emotionally with the other more important than agreeing or disagreeing with the content of what they're saying.

Just feeling and resonating emotionally with the other.

Making your connection with the other person primary and the working out of relevant details secondary.

If you find yourself losing touch with the other person as you get into the details,

Admit this as soon as possible and stop.

And go back to the beginning,

Step by step and remain with them until you feel more connection.

There's no rush,

But the time that it takes is well worth it.

If you find yourself still getting emotionally overwrought somewhere between being hot under the collar to about to blow your lid,

Resist reducing what you're saying to courtroom dramatics.

So back away from the content becoming nothing more contentious and just loving yourself to express just the feeling.

And if you notice that there is an underlying feeling occurring that for example,

You'll be feeling sadness that you are not sharing,

Going instead for the anger on top of it.

Express that as well.

Let it be known.

So these four steps,

Identifying,

Stating,

Sharing,

And then providing the relevant details of what you're feeling will help you along your way of investigation of your emotions,

Both today,

The current and also the history.

Sometimes it'll be enough to just simply do the first step.

There may be other times where it feels in the flow to complete all four.

But the most important thing is to learn to treat yourself with compassion throughout this process.

And that compassion involves not rushing,

Neither putting it off.

Now put your hands on your heart.

Notice how you feel about this difficult emotion that you chose to relate to today.

Always bring your palms together in prayer position at your heart center.

And imagine from the heart of your being,

There is a ball of loving energy glowing.

And this loving,

Healing,

Bright aliveness,

This energy shines towards that person,

People or place where you felt this difficult emotion with.

And let this light radiate as a beam towards that person,

People or place such that they may feel the love and the light of your own being.

And then bring your intention back to the heart center.

I invite you to share how you're feeling right now in one word.

Thank you.

Reviews

So wonderful this. As being holistic doctor, MD, I know - and experienced myself- that all of this is the basis on how to heal any kind of dis-eases that emerge from feelings held back …. Thank you for explaining so exactly and profound and thank you for creating a safe haven. 🙏🏻🌱🦋❤️

So peaceful! Thank you ❤️

Trying to grr et t in touch with the feeling of the emotios is hard compared to getting caught up in the storey line . I will try this technique. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you for your beautiful meditation

Thank you Jay. I found your meditation very helpful. 🙏😘

Really brings love & light to difficult emotions. Thank you!

Thank you, Jay. That was exactly what I needed. I love the music, too.

Compassion