When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you,
Without trying to take responsibility for you,
Without trying to mould you,
It feels damn good.
When I have been listened to and when I have been heard,
I am able to re-perceive my world in a new way and to go on.
It is astonishing how elements which seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens,
How confusions which seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard.
Just stay with whatever is.
That is a frequently repeated instruction in meditation.
But how do we actually do that?
How do we stay present with our difficult experiences and mindful our emotions?
With what attitude do we meet those things?
Griting our teeth,
Crawling up in a bowl and hoping that it will pass soon,
Rigidly staring it in the eyes,
Refusing to back down?
The most useful tool I have learned in my education as a therapist is that of positive validation.
It's nothing fancy or complicated,
But something seldom used by most people,
Even though it's super effective and impactful.
Before I explain what positive validation is,
Let me first explain its not quite opposite but its positive counterpart let's say,
Namely the response we can call positive invalidation.
It's a response that is positive,
Its intention is for the other to feel better,
But at the same time it's invalidating,
Dismissing the validity of the others present situation or thoughts or feelings.
This is very frequently employed by parents,
Friends,
Co-workers and so on.
Let me give some examples.
Someone might say,
I feel heavy today,
The weather sucks.
And we might respond with,
I'm sure it'll be sunny tomorrow.
You see,
I try to make her feel better,
But I'm trying to do so by sort of dismissing her present feeling.
She might continue,
Well,
It feels like this heavy feeling inside won't ever pass.
No,
No,
I'm sure it'll pass,
Nothing lasts forever.
Again,
I'm trying to make her more hopeful,
But I'm doing it by basically telling her that she's wrong.
She says,
It's just that I'm so fat and ugly,
No one really likes me.
What do you mean?
You're not fat,
You're pretty and I like you.
Life is just pointless.
I don't see much reason to continue to endure it,
To be honest.
Hey,
You just don't see it.
Life is full of beautiful things.
Maybe you should start working out or get a new hobby or think more positively about things.
You see,
We all do this kind of thing.
It might feel like the right things to say even.
The result,
However,
Usually is that the other feels not understood,
Not listened to,
Sometimes weak or stupid and usually always alone.
So let's try the same statements,
But with validating responses.
I feel heavy today.
The weather sucks.
Yeah,
I get that.
See,
It's not complicated.
She feels heard.
She feels accepted.
She doesn't feel alone.
It reminds me of that expression.
Shared joy is joy doubled.
Shared sorrow is sorrow halved.
It feels like this heavy feeling inside won't ever pass.
That sounds really rough.
That must make it difficult to get going,
I guess.
Yeah,
I'm fat.
I'm ugly.
No one really likes me.
Man,
No wonder you're having a hard time.
It must be devastating to feel that your looks make it impossible for others to like you.
That must make you feel so alone in the world.
Often people get afraid of giving validating responses,
Especially when it comes to more serious things.
Usually because they are afraid that the other person might think one agrees and that it might push them over the edge in some way.
However,
That isn't the case.
Quite the contrary,
Even with really serious issues.
Life is just pointless.
I don't see much reason to continue to endure it to be honest.
I see.
Right now it all feels meaningless.
And giving up feels like as good an option as continuing to hope and strive and get disappointed and pick yourself up just to repeat that over and over.
I imagine that it must feel so sad on the inside.
All the shattered dreams.
So,
How does all of this relate to meditation?
Well,
Not only do most of us have a tendency of invalidating others,
We often do that to ourselves as well.
Often just with the gloves off.
We might do it as an attempt to get away from the pain,
Just as what our intention is when we say this kind of stuff to others.
But the pain doesn't go anywhere.
Validating our own suffering might take us closer to it and make us feel it more clearly and that bloody hurts.
But that's where healing happens and that's where growth begins.
When I accept what is,
What is changes.
When I accept what is,
What is changes.
Understanding this in theory might be easy.
But doing it in practice is not the same.
It goes against our old habits.
When I learned this,
I was at a four day workshop during my therapist training.
We listened to lectures about it,
Practiced it on each other,
Both in pairs and in groups for four days.
When I came home after the four days,
My nine year old bonus daughter was squirming on the sofa with her homework in front of her saying,
You have to help me with my homework.
It's impossible.
There's no way I can understand this stuff.
My immediate response.
No,
No,
Of course you can understand it.
Just don't give up so easily.
See,
Even after four days of solid practicing,
Old habits die hard.
Unsurprisingly,
She wasn't convinced.
She kept squirming even more defeated if possible.
No,
No,
No,
I can't do it.
Then it kicked in and I felt like face palming myself.
But actually not much harm done because usually you always get another chance at it.
So I tried again.
It must feel horrible being forced to do so much homework and feeling like it's too much and that there is no way you can do it.
To which she went,
Yeah.
And then within seconds we were at it,
Doing the homework.
It's powerful.
It works.
And we can use it in all kinds of situations and relations.
It's such a beautiful way of helping others to find their footing.
And when we use it with ourselves,
A really wise way of regaining our balance.
After observing Morihayo Shiba,
The founder of Aikido,
Sparring with an accomplished fighter,
A young student said to the master,
Oh sensei,
You never lose your balance.
What is your secret?
You are wrong,
Morihayo Shiba replied.
I am constantly losing my balance.
My skill lies in my ability to regain it.
