Forgiveness Is A Gift To Ourselves

We often allow resentment, anger, guilt, and shame to become constant companions, blocking our joy and love. Let's explore how forgiveness is a gift to ourselves, freeing us to be the best version of ourselves and to move forward with empathy, compassion, and grace — for ourselves and others.

Transcript

Welcome to this meditation on forgiveness as a gift to yourself.

I'm Steve Walker,

A life coach and meditation teacher.

Thank you for joining me.

Get yourself into a comfortable position.

Ideally,

Seated in a comfortable chair with your feet flat on the ground and your back supported,

Or lying flat on your back.

Make sure you're comfortable.

Inhale and close your eyes.

Take a couple of deep,

Slow,

Cleansing breaths.

In through your nose and out through your mouth.

You may want to hold for a second or two at the top of your breath before you exhale.

When thoughts intrude,

And they will,

That's what they do,

Just observe them.

The real you isn't the inner voice,

The inner critic.

It's the observer.

So observe the thoughts as they come in and let them leave.

And then bring your focus back to your breathing and the sound of my voice.

You may want to do a quick body scan.

Start at the top of your head and slowly work your way down,

Checking in with each part of your body to see if you need to breathe through that part of your body to release any tension that you're bringing into this meditation.

Let your breathing go back to its natural rhythm.

Now,

Let's explore how forgiveness can be a gift to ourselves.

Forgiveness is an important part of the healing process,

And it is an important practice to help us practice mindfulness,

To be grounded in this moment,

The now,

Which is the only thing that's real.

The past is an incomplete and inaccurate memory of what actually happened.

It's a story that we have built in our brains,

But it's not what really happened.

And the future is unwritten.

We don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.

Someone could come into your life and change your life forever.

Everything is temporary,

And the future is unknown.

So the only thing that is real is now.

The only thing that we have real control and agency over is now.

And carrying guilt or shame for what we've done in the past or resentment and anger towards other people for what they did is getting in the way of us being grounded in this moment to be able to create the life that we want,

To experience joy and laughter and love.

So we need to release ourselves from those negative emotions that are perfectly normal to have,

But we don't want controlling us or interfering with us in living our lives moment to moment.

We need to forgive and heal so that we can move on,

So that relationships can be repaired if we want to repair them,

So that we can learn the lessons that we need to learn from what happened,

So that we can do better in the future,

Make better mistakes tomorrow.

Let's first examine how forgiveness is a gift to ourselves when we are forgiving ourselves.

This should be fairly self-evident,

But it's worth exploring a little bit.

Guilt and shame are natural emotions that most,

If not all,

Of us experience from time to time.

But they're not helpful in terms of moving forward.

They tend to cause us to shut down,

To withdraw,

To protect ourselves.

We stop being vulnerable with other people.

We sometimes self-isolate.

We avoid certain situations that maybe we shouldn't be avoiding.

It makes it difficult for us to feel worthy of being loved,

Of accepting help and support.

So we need to find a way to forgive ourselves so that we can heal and move forward.

Regret is what sometimes is left over after the forgiveness.

We still may feel regret,

And that can be a very healthy thing.

Because it motivates us to do differently in the future,

To act differently,

To speak differently,

To maybe live with greater intention and mindfulness so that we can avoid making that mistake again.

That's about learning.

Why did I do or say what I did?

Let me do better in the future.

Forgiveness allows us to heal the shame and the guilt,

Turn them into regret,

Learn from the experience,

And do better in the future.

Be more mindful,

More intentional.

Forgiveness towards ourselves is an act of compassion,

Of love.

We need to be compassionate with ourselves.

We need to be loving with ourselves.

It enables us to be compassionate and loving with other people,

To be vulnerable,

To experience authentic relationships,

Authentic love,

Meaningful,

Deep connections.

But if we are feeling unworthy and,

As a result,

Protect ourselves,

Stop being our authentic selves,

Hide our authentic selves from other people,

Because we're ashamed and we feel guilty and we feel unworthy of love,

Then we will deny ourselves and the other people the opportunity to express and experience real love,

Real connection.

So we need to forgive ourselves,

Because we are here on this journey to love and be loved,

To be loving energy,

To be empathetic and compassionate and forgiving.

So we must practice forgiveness with ourselves,

First and foremost.

So let's take a moment and think about something that you need to forgive yourself for.

It could be something big or small,

Something that may be gnawing at you a bit,

It could be something recent or it could be something from when you were young.

We often carry shame and guilt from our childhood into adulthood,

Sometimes quite late into adulthood or throughout our lives.

That trauma,

In many cases,

Is impeding our ability to experience life to its fullest.

So what is it that you need to forgive yourself for that happened at some point in your life?

Imagine you are looking at that version of yourself.

If it was yourself yesterday,

Then it's a very familiar face.

But if it was a younger version of yourself,

Then picture that younger version of yourself and say to them,

I forgive you.

It's okay.

We're only human.

Everybody makes mistakes.

Everybody has lapses in judgment.

It's okay.

We will learn from this and we will make better mistakes tomorrow.

You are loved.

You are worthy.

You are enough.

Try to really channel that feeling of forgiveness,

Of release,

Of healing,

Of letting go of the negative,

Toxic emotions that have been plaguing you or holding you back.

If that younger version of yourself needs a hug,

Give them a hug.

But they are a worthy,

Lovable,

Imperfect human being who needs to experience forgiveness and healing so that you can move on,

That you can learn from the experience,

That you can heal and be grounded in the now to experience life in its fullness.

Now,

Let's turn to forgiveness towards other people.

When we carry resentment or anger towards other people,

We are primarily affecting ourselves.

You're carrying it with you 24-7.

You may not be conscious of it 24-7,

But it's there,

Lingering in your subconscious,

And it will come up to your conscious level from time to time,

Sometimes quite frequently.

And it is getting in the way of you being able to heal and move forward,

To be present in the now.

Sometimes it's affecting your ability to feel worthy and lovable,

Because maybe that person is someone who really matters to you,

And they hurt you.

They made you feel unworthy,

Unlovable.

And until you can forgive them,

You will deny yourself the ability to really feel worthy,

To be vulnerable and authentic with other people,

And to experience love and connection in the way that you want and deserve to.

Even if it's someone who you're not very close to,

It can make you less trusting of people,

Including new people in your life.

Again,

That becomes an obstruction,

A wall between you and meaningful connection with new people in your life.

And of course,

When we are consciously thinking about and focusing on the anger and resentment,

It is distracting us from what's right in front of us,

From creating the life that we want to in this moment,

From being fully present and mindful and intentional.

The other person is not being affected to the same degree that we are.

In many cases,

They are not being affected at all.

They are going about their day-to-day life without thinking about your anger and resentment.

You're the one who's paying the price for the most part.

Even if it's someone that you're very close to and who may be affected to some degree by your anger or resentment,

If that's someone you really care about or you love,

You should not want them to continue suffering.

And you should not want yourself to continue suffering.

You should want both of you to be able to heal and begin repairing this important relationship.

If it's something they need to rebuild trust about,

Then you need to give them the opportunity to start trying to rebuild the trust.

None of us is promised tomorrow.

You will not regret forgiving them,

But if you don't get the chance to forgive them or you deny yourself the ability to restore that relationship and experience real connection and love with that person again,

Or you deny yourself the ability to have more time with a healthier,

Repaired relationship,

That you might well regret.

So let's find a way to move on.

If the learning from this experience is that you need boundaries with that person,

Then figure out what the boundaries are and be prepared to enforce those boundaries.

Sometimes to maintain a healthy relationship with someone,

We need healthy boundaries,

Often.

So that's good learning and good practice.

So let's get to that place.

Not stewing in anger and resentment over what happened in the past.

Let's create the boundaries,

The conditions for a healthy relationship moving forward.

In some cases,

It may be that the relationship is irreparable,

Or this incident showed you that it is too toxic and unhealthy,

In which case you need to move on.

And the relationship?

Practice forgiveness.

They are imperfect.

They are a human being like you,

And you need to forgive them so that you can make your decision to end the relationship,

Heal,

And move on,

Without carrying the resentment and anger forward into the future.

What's the point of doing that if the relationship is ending?

So forgive them.

Let the resentment and anger go.

But put the new boundary in place,

Which may in this case be ending the relationship.

Learn the lessons that you can from this relationship,

And move on to make better choices,

Create better and healthier relationships in the future.

So let's take a moment now and reflect on a relationship with somebody else where you need to practice forgiveness towards them.

What is it that they did or said?

What are the lessons that you want to learn from this experience?

And forgive them.

Let the healing begin.

Show them empathy and compassion.

You may say to yourself,

Well,

They didn't show empathy or compassion toward me.

Why should I show it towards them?

Your values are your values.

You are on this planet to live this life in accordance with your values,

Not someone else's,

To make your own decisions,

To be the best version of your authentic self,

Not to allow other people to dictate to you the extent to which you live in accordance with your values,

That you are a person of integrity.

Don't let someone else convince you that you shouldn't live with integrity.

Blaming someone else for your decision,

Your choice to not be empathetic or compassionate is deflecting responsibility for living your life.

You have the agency and the choice here.

You can be the better person.

You can be the best version of your authentic self by practicing empathy and compassion and forgiveness.

And it will be a gift to yourself more than the other person.

You think you're punishing the other person?

You are probably not.

And even if you are a little bit,

You are mostly punishing yourself.

So it's time to forgive and move on,

Either with healthier boundaries or maybe moving on entirely.

So think about that person and picture them in front of you and say to them,

I forgive you.

You're only human.

We all make mistakes.

I choose to have empathy,

To show you compassion,

And to forgive you so that we can both move on.

If it's someone that you want to maintain the relationship with or someone that you love and care about,

Then express that to them.

I care about you.

I love you.

I want this relationship to be healthier.

I want us to heal this relationship.

I want trust to be restored.

I want us both to experience peace and love and joy.

And if it feels appropriate,

Give them a hug.

And try to really feel that sensation of letting go,

Of releasing the anger,

Releasing the resentment,

Of being in this moment,

Of liberating yourself from the past.

And just sit with that moment,

That feeling of release,

Of freedom,

Of peace.

Now,

Take another two or three deep cleansing breaths.

Again,

Slowly in through your nose hold it at the top for a second or two and then slowly out through your mouth.

Now begin to come back to the room that you're in.

Maybe wiggle your fingers and your toes.

When you feel ready,

Open your eyes again and sit for a moment with this idea that forgiveness is a gift to ourselves.

Maybe express some gratitude for this new understanding,

This deeper understanding of the power of forgiveness in allowing us to heal and move forward in our lives,

Grounded in the present moment,

Released from the burdens,

The guilt,

The shame,

The resentment,

The anger of the past so that we can be the best version of our authentic selves,

Vulnerable and authentic to experience real connection and love with other people and with ourselves.

Thank you for joining me.

I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day.

Namaste.