Five Keys To Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships are one of the keys to having a good life. Here are five things you can do to improve your relationships. These are useful for most kinds of relationships — family, friends, romantic partnerships, and more!

Transcript

Hi,

I'm Steve Walker,

A life coach and meditation teacher.

And this is a discussion about five keys to healthy relationships.

So there's a lot of research out there about how to have a good life.

And almost all of it says that at the core of having a good life is having healthy,

Meaningful relationships.

Relationships are at the core of everything.

Our personal lives,

Our professional lives,

Our society.

So making sure that we can have healthy,

Happy,

Authentic,

Meaningful relationships is so essential and vital to having a good life,

To having good mental health,

To feeling like we have a sense of purpose in life.

So I wanted to share some practical ways in which we can make it more likely that we will have healthy relationships in our lives.

And these five keys I think are pretty relevant and usable in every type of relationship.

So this is not just about romantic relationships.

We're talking about relationships with family,

Friends,

Even work relationships.

The first one is really foundational.

It's the bedrock of having good relationships and it's really difficult for a lot of people.

There's been a lot written about it and talked about over the last decade or more in part because of the wonderful work that Brene Brown has done.

But it's being vulnerable and authentic in our relationships.

Right?

Being vulnerable and authentic in our relationships.

Not easy for a lot of people.

But really important.

This one has been transformational not only for me as a person to understand this,

But also in my work with students over the years and with my work with LifeCoach clients.

Really important,

Really monumental in terms of helping people I think turn a corner and start building really,

Really,

Really quality lives.

Here's the basic premise that in order to have really good healthy relationships,

We need to love ourselves enough that we can be vulnerable with other people,

That we can put ourselves out there,

Be our authentic selves with other people,

Knowing that not everybody's going to like us just like we don't like everybody else.

But that the people who do like and love us will like and love the real us,

Right?

The authentic version of us.

Not some role that we're playing,

Not some mask that we're wearing.

And that's huge,

Right?

Because there's a lot of people who go through life wearing masks,

Right?

Trying to be who they think other people want them to be,

Right?

Who other people will like.

And what ends up happening is those relationships breed more insecurity because we're always worried that they're going to see who we really are and they're going to reject us and abandon us.

So we spend all this energy and have all this anxiety and stress trying to keep up the appearance that we're someone who we're not to hide our flaws that we think we have that might lead someone to reject us.

And that's an exhausting way to go through life.

And it's a demoralizing way to go through life.

And it breeds a lot of insecurity,

Right?

In our relationships.

So those relationships are not on solid ground.

So if you really want to have high quality,

Meaningful relationships,

You've got to be your authentic self.

Now that doesn't mean you can just do whatever the hell you want to and say whatever the hell you want to.

Like it's about being the best version of your authentic self,

Right?

Living with integrity,

Having a clear idea about what your values are and trying to live consistent with those values every day,

Right?

To be impeccable with your word,

To use your word for good and not ill,

Right?

The best version of yourself,

But who you really are.

Not to pretend you're somebody that you're not.

To,

You know,

Be honest when you're struggling and to ask for help,

Right?

To be vulnerable and put your real self out there knowing that again,

Some people aren't going to like you,

Right?

And some people will get annoyed with you and frustrated with you at times,

But that's okay,

Right?

If you're on a path where you're trying to become a better version of yourself and do it in a way that you can be authentic,

Right?

And it feels true to you,

Then the relationships that you have will get stronger and you will feel secure in those relationships,

Right?

Because you will know that those people like and love you because of who you really are.

So that's huge.

That's the first really important one,

Right?

And we'll probably talk about that more in future episodes,

But that's,

That's a non-negotiable.

You've got to get to a place where you can be vulnerable with other people and be your best version of your authentic self,

Right?

Second,

Understanding and tending to your emotional bank account.

So in a way,

Like we have our own individual emotional bank accounts and we have emotional bank accounts in each of our relationships.

The idea is that there's a certain amount of emotional energy,

Capacity in a relationship,

Trust,

Goodwill,

Patience,

Right?

In any relationship,

Whether it's with yourself or with other people,

And that we're constantly making deposits and withdrawals.

So when you think about relationships with other people and those emotional bank accounts,

We make deposits by doing things that show that we care about the person that show empathy and compassion when we validate people,

When we help them feel loved and cared for,

When we do nice things for them,

Right?

If you think about the five love languages,

When we do things that help them feel loved,

Right?

Maybe doing acts of service or sprinkling words of affirmation,

Right?

Giving them a hug,

Whatever.

We make hopefully a lot of deposits and we make withdrawals,

Right?

We ask for support or receive support from them.

We sometimes do things that pissed them off,

Right?

Or that erode trust in the relationship,

Right?

We might be dishonest.

We might thinking about what we were just talking about,

Be inauthentic,

Right?

Pretend that we're someone that we're not.

And these things all are withdrawals,

Right?

When we have arguments,

When we try to win a fight with them,

When we name call,

Right?

When we don't follow through with something that we promised them we would do,

Right?

Those are all withdrawals.

And we need to make sure that we're making more deposits and bigger deposits than we are making withdrawals.

Otherwise the relationship is not going to be healthy.

It's not going to be on solid ground.

And at some point it might be in danger.

So we need to make regular,

Thoughtful,

Purposeful deposits into the emotional bank account.

So it's always hopefully running at a high enough level,

Right?

Because we're going to need to make some withdrawals.

There are going to be crises and problems and disagreements,

Right?

We're going to screw up at times,

Right?

There are things that are going to happen that are going to require withdrawals and we need to make sure that there's plenty there in that emotional bank account along the way,

Particularly when things are good.

We got to make sure that we're putting deposits in and not taking that relationship for granted,

Which is something that some of us tend to do,

Right?

That when things are going well,

We take the relationship for granted and we don't make deposits into the emotional bank account,

Right?

We don't do the nice things.

We don't spend the quality time.

We don't express gratitude as much,

Right?

We don't do the little gestures,

Right?

And we should be,

Right?

We should be doing those things and be really mindful and purposeful and intentional about that.

So this is really important,

Right?

If you're someone who keeps making withdrawals,

And I've had these situations in certain relationships where I've made a lot more withdrawals than I was putting in and it was disastrous in the end.

So don't do that,

Right?

Be really mindful that there is that emotional bank account there and that you've got to be paying attention to it and making sure that you're making plenty of deposits and that you keep the withdrawals to a minimum and only in case of emergency.

It's like your emergency fund in a way,

Right?

You don't want to be taking money out of your emergency fund bank account,

You know,

To buy a latte at Starbucks.

So be thoughtful about how you manage that emotional bank account with each of your relationships,

Right?

So that's number two.

Number three,

Empathetic listening.

This is a big one.

A lot of times when we're talking with other people,

Whether it's a nice conversation or particularly,

I would argue when it's a difficult conversation,

A conflict or an uncomfortable topic,

That we aren't very good listeners a lot of the time.

And we're not really taught as a society to be good listeners.

We're taught to argue a lot and win arguments and that's not healthy for a relationship.

So we want to be good listeners.

Like most people want to be seen and heard and validated and understood by the people in their lives.

That's like a basic human need.

And the only way we can help them feel that way,

So in a way making deposits into the emotional bank account is to be an empathetic listener,

Right?

To listen so that we can understand them and how they are feeling and how they are experiencing whatever they're experiencing so that they can feel understood and validated and cared for,

Right?

That that matters and that will make a deposit into the emotional bank account.

If we do the things that are actually withdrawals from the emotional bank account in this situation,

Hijacking the conversation,

Right?

When someone starts telling us what's going on in their life or what happened to them and we go,

Oh,

I know,

I know that happened to me too.

And then we start telling our story.

That's hijacking.

We think,

Or we rationalize that we're doing it to create a connection and a bond with the person.

But usually what it does is it says to them that you don't value what they're trying to tell you.

You're trying to make it all about you,

Right?

You're being a little narcissistic.

So don't do that,

Right?

You know,

If after they feel heard and understood and validated,

Whatever,

You know,

Maybe if,

If in particular,

If there's a situation where they're feeling a little hopeless or a little lost,

If you then have an anecdote that you keep kind of brief about something similar that happened to you and how you got out of it,

You know,

Maybe that can help them feel a little bit better.

Maybe give them a little bit of hope,

Offer an idea for a path forward.

But really your job isn't to do that.

It's to at least first and foremost to understand and empathize.

Right?

With how they feel.

Asking them questions.

Saying back to them what you've heard,

Right?

Wow.

It sounds like you were really frustrated.

It sounds like you were angry.

It sounds like you were hurt.

That must've been really difficult.

Not I would have felt really frustrated in that situation.

That's not empathy.

That's you making it about you again.

It's about them.

It's about understanding them.

So make it clear that you're trying to understand,

That you're listening,

You're making good eye contact,

Your body language is good,

Your phone is away,

Right?

And that you're,

You're expressing empathy and expressing your curiosity through questions and checking with them.

You know,

It sounds like you're saying this,

Is that accurate?

Is that what you,

Is that what you mean to say?

Right?

Really showing that you're listening intently and listening with empathy and compassion.

Right?

And the other thing to avoid is advice bombing.

When someone comes to us with a problem,

We are unbelievable in jumping straight to advice giving.

Oh,

You know what you should do?

And no,

Stop.

Your first job is to listen empathetically so that you can understand,

Empathize,

Validate.

That's it.

If after you're sure and have checked with them that they feel understood and heard and validated,

If you want to ask them,

Hey,

Do you,

Do you want some advice?

Or do you want to want some help brainstorming ideas on what to do next,

Which is probably a better way to get into the advice end of things rather than just telling them what to do.

A lot of people just,

You know,

Get defensive or close off in that case.

But instead if you can say like maybe at that point,

Hey,

You know,

You want some help brainstorming ideas?

That,

That's okay depending on the circumstances,

But only after you're sure that they feel heard and understood and that you've expressed your empathy and,

And that part is done.

And then,

And if they say no,

That I'm not interested in advice,

Or I don't really want to talk about what to do right now,

Then respect that.

Right.

And you can say to them,

Okay,

Totally get that.

Respect it.

If at some point you change your mind,

Let me know I'm here for you,

You know,

For whatever you need.

And that's a nice thing to say.

Right.

And that's respectful of where they are in that moment rather than trying to bully them and ignoring how they feel and what they want in that moment.

So,

So that's really,

Really important.

Right.

And I think also,

You know,

Making sure that that that person feels like,

Like they're kind of in control of that conversation,

Right?

This is their conversation.

It's something they're sharing and whatever it is they need in that moment.

That's,

That's the goal,

Right?

That's the goal for it.

So again,

Empathetic listening,

No hijacking,

No advice bombing,

But just being a good empathetic person who's trying to understand that will make them feel cared for.

Right.

And that's what you probably want in the end anyways.

Right.

So that's number three.

Number four is about conflicts and that we often come to see conflicts,

Disagreements,

Arguments,

As things that we should win,

Like a debate.

Right.

And so just as,

You know,

When I was just talking about being a good empathetic listener,

Oftentimes when someone's telling us something,

We're rehearsing in our heads what we're going to say in response.

Right.

So in the,

In the case of like hijacking or advice bombing,

Like someone's telling us what's going on in their life and we're already like rehearsing in our head or trying to brainstorm in our heads what we're going to say about something that happened to us or,

Or advice bombing that we're going to engage in.

But that's not good.

We want to be listening,

Not distracted.

And,

And so similarly when we're having a conflict or a disagreement or an argument with somebody,

We are often just preparing and rehearsing our counter arguments,

You know,

Our rebuttals in our heads instead of actually listening to them.

And what we should be doing is seeing disagreements and arguments and conflicts with other people in our lives.

Certainly anybody that we care about as a problem to solve together,

That we're on the same team and we're trying to solve the problem together.

We're not trying to win.

We want to find a win win where we both feel like we got something of what we needed out of that situation.

Because if you really care about someone,

Why would you want to make them lose ever?

Right?

Think about like your partner or your kid or your parent or your sibling or your best friend.

Like why would you ever want them to lose?

If you love them,

If you care about them,

You don't want them to lose ever.

Right?

Want to help them and support them.

So,

So get out of the win lose mindset and the debate and winning and all that.

You get into the problem solving and even say to the other person,

I know we've got this disagreement right now or this conflict,

But let's look at it as a problem together.

We're on the same side.

I love you.

I care about you.

You're important.

If it's somebody at work,

You say like,

Look,

You know,

Our partnership,

Our collaboration,

Our,

You know,

Relationship here at work,

Being on the same team,

Like matters to me.

Let's figure this out together.

We can figure this out together,

Right?

Two brains are better than one and let's problem solve this together and then do some empathetic listening,

Right?

Ask them to explain themselves first and listen empathetically.

Listen to understand first and then once they feel understood and their feelings validated,

Because even if you disagree about the facts,

You can't disagree about how they feel.

They feel how they feel.

It's not your right or business to tell them how they should or should not feel.

So really focus on empathetic listening so you can figure out like,

Okay,

What do they really want and help them figure out what they really want out of the situation.

And then once they feel heard and understood and have some clarity about what they really want,

Then it can be your turn and you can say to them like,

Is it okay if I go now?

And then do the same thing yourself.

And then brainstorm together,

Right?

Like,

Okay,

Let's brainstorm some ideas.

What could we do that could move us forward and give us each at least some piece of what we are looking for right now and do it together and listen to each other and don't criticize each other's ideas.

Just listen and take everything into play and then try to work it out together,

Right?

And that's important,

Right?

That's a trust building it.

You can turn a conflict or an argument or a disagreement into something that is a huge deposit in your emotional bank account,

Right?

By handling it that way.

If you handle it like a conflict,

Like an argument,

You're trying to win and you do some name calling and bringing up old stuff,

You are going to make huge withdrawals from your emotional bank account in that relationship.

So instead treat it like a problem to solve together on the same team and you will in almost all certainty make a big deposit into the emotional bank account with that relationship.

So that's a real paradigm shift for many,

Many people.

So that's number four.

That's a big one.

That's been a real big epiphany for me in recent years.

And then number five,

So important,

Again,

Often neglected,

But so important is to make sure that you create opportunities on a regular basis for having more fun,

More laughter together and probably spending more time outside because things feel different when you're outside,

Particularly when you're in nature and you're walking in the woods or along the water or whatever,

Like stress goes down,

Right?

You're feeling better and you get a little rush of endorphins or dopamine in a healthy way.

It helps.

So make sure that in your important relationships,

You're creating time to do fun things together,

To laugh together,

To go listen to live music,

Right?

Go to the movies to,

You know,

If you're into museums and art,

Go to an art gallery or a museum.

You know,

Again,

Be outside,

Go for a hike,

A bike ride.

If you're both into pickleball,

Do that,

Whatever.

Like,

You know,

Create time.

My family does game night on a regular basis.

It's huge.

And again,

Those good times,

You want to have as many good times,

Have as much joy in your relationships as you can.

So don't make your relationships all about like the problems and the stresses and the day to day BS.

Like make time,

Even if it's just small moments of time on a regular basis to have fun,

To laugh,

Right?

To do things that,

That,

You know,

Really play into your sense of wonderment and awe.

You know,

My cousin and I,

A couple of months ago,

We were out like looking for a comet.

It was just like a wonderful moment.

We didn't see it,

But we were looking for the comet and it was just wonderful.

You know,

There were actually like,

You know,

Initially four or five of us or something out there.

It like,

You know,

Really wonderful just having a moment to kind of be right.

And to have a few laughs and have a sense of wonder and awe about the universe.

It was amazing.

So,

So make sure you're doing that,

Right?

Don't take these relationships for granted and don't spend all the time doing chores and talking about serious stuff.

Like find moments to play,

Right?

To,

To do things that you really enjoy.

Go to a live sporting event.

If you,

If you're interested in that or can afford it or,

You know,

Again,

Just like maybe going,

You know,

For,

For a picnic someplace,

Whatever,

Right?

Playing a game of cards or backgammon or scrabble or something.

Moments where you can just be together and have some joy.

So that's number five and that's a big one that we really need to prioritize.

Right?

So I hope that's helpful.

Again,

We're just skimming the surface.

It's sort of an initial,

You know,

Some thoughts on some key things that can help improve your relationships and maintain healthy relationships.

Right?

So we talked about being vulnerable and authentic.

Tending to your emotional bank account and making more deposits than you do withdrawals.

Empathetic listening.

Turning conflicts into problems you solve together that can also build trust and make deposits into your emotional bank account.

And then finally to make sure you're creating more opportunities to have fun,

To play,

To have laughter,

Maybe spend more time outside.

I hope that was helpful.

Please don't forget to rate and review.

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Please do.

Thanks so much for listening in.

Have a good rest of your day.

Reviews

Great advice! The "emotional bank account" ... loved the concept. Thank you