The First Step To Become More Authentic

Enjoy this endearing and inspirational Insight Timer live talk from "Your Simple Path" author Ian Tucker. Ian reveals how to reconnect with your true self and explains the critical first step to help you redefine who you really are, in order to live from a place of authenticity and freedom.

Transcript

Good morning,

Good afternoon,

Good evening.

A truly global Insight Timer welcome.

Great to be here.

Lovely that you're able to join me for this short,

But I hope interesting and poignant session.

We get lost in life,

You and I.

That's a flippant statement to open a talk,

But we can drift.

I mentioned we can come to a crossroads,

And sometimes it's like we're just running in the wrong direction.

Carl Jung,

Many,

Many years ago,

Came out with a beautiful analogy that I think sets this session up perfectly.

Carl Jung,

The psychoanalyst,

Likened our lives,

My life,

Your life,

To a typical day.

Jung said that in the morning of your life,

In the morning of our life,

It's about fitting in.

It's about being liked.

It's about keeping up with the Joneses,

Maybe beating the Joneses.

It's about being successful,

Or whatever society tells us success should be.

It's about creating wealth.

It's about stuff.

And we all sign up on some level.

I certainly did,

And I still do at times.

But Jung has this beautiful transition.

He said,

Without exception,

We all step into the afternoon of our lives.

We all step into the afternoon of our lives,

And this can be at any age.

It's about awareness and consciousness as about late 50s or early 60s.

So we step into the afternoon of our lives,

And to paraphrase,

But to quote Carl Jung,

He said,

As we step into the afternoon,

We are totally unprepared.

Because what we thought was important to us in the morning doesn't serve us after lunch.

The success,

The fitting in,

The keeping up with the Joneses,

The working long hours,

The creating wealth,

All of that has a part to play,

But loosens its grip.

Loosens its grip.

He goes on to say that the afternoon of our life,

And maybe this connects with you at this point,

Is what's my life for?

Well,

Who am I at this point in my life?

What is the meaning of this life?

Do I have a purpose?

How can I get back to feel more authentic?

Why do I feel lost?

My take on that,

And my own personal experience,

Is that because we give ourselves away in the morning of our lives,

We become fragmented,

We break off.

You imagine at this point in this discussion or this talk that you can picture a circle,

The whole you,

And right in the center of that circle is a single dot,

Your core,

Your essence,

Your truth,

Who you really are.

The mornings of our life are about giving away fragments of that circle,

Breaking it up,

Handing it to people who don't care for it,

Maybe you didn't want it in the first place.

But the net result of that,

Folks,

Is that as we give more and more of ourselves away,

You and I recognize ourselves less and less and less.

I think that's a wonderful analogy from Carl Jung.

We step into the afternoon of our lives,

And we don't recognize ourselves because we've given ourselves away in the morning.

So let's assume this is around lunchtime.

Let's assume that we've stepped gently into the afternoon of our lives,

And we're fragmented.

No one gets away with it.

We sign up to society's take on how we should be,

How we should live our life.

We tend to dance to the beat of somebody else's drum and don't enjoy the dance.

However you want to sort of explain this,

I think you get it,

It fits.

In fact,

If you can just click a heart or say yes,

Just to make sure you're with me at this point,

The morning and afternoon of our lives,

Who am I at this point in my life?

Why do I feel so fragmented?

Why am I so easily exhausted?

Why don't I recognize the person I thought I wanted to be 20 years ago?

What happened?

Well,

I have some great news.

I have some wonderful news.

It started to sound a bit like a game show.

It isn't.

There's a very simple exercise that starts to gently pull back those fragmented pieces,

That starts to put back the jigsaw puzzle.

And as you place each piece back quietly,

With humility,

In your own time,

On your own watch,

The picture of the true you starts to emerge.

Let me explain.

I mentioned the word core right at the center of that circle,

Right at the center of that whole you.

And the further we move away from that core,

The less we recognize ourselves.

We move away from our truth.

We move away from our authenticity.

So how can we gently move back to the center of the page?

I'll run a course outside of Insight Timer,

And it's the one that I'm going to be introducing on Insight Timer in the summer.

And step one on the course is what I'm going to share with you now.

It has to be step one.

Because without getting our heads around what I'm going to explain now,

Then we're playing at it.

We're blown around like a leaf in the wind.

So how do we gently anchor ourselves back?

So this won't be a new concept to many of you.

But I really want to sort of bring home the profound need to get a handle on this.

And it's core values.

It's core values.

It's who you really are.

How well do you know the person who looks back at you in the mirror each morning,

Each evening?

How well do you take care of that person?

How connected do you feel?

Core values gently remind you that you're one and the same.

You look into the eyes of the mirror,

And you recognize who's looking back.

So let me just talk to you for a few seconds around core values.

A core value is a set of beliefs that influence how you live your life.

Let me say that again.

A core value is a set of beliefs that influence how you live your life.

Unique to you.

It's your essence.

It's your truth.

In a workshop recently,

A lady likened it to a set of those Russian dolls.

And she said,

If you get to that smallest doll,

Peeling back layers,

Here's how I portray myself to the world,

But there's another me inside,

And another me inside,

And another me inside.

And she said,

If we get to that smallest doll,

And there's a script in there,

It would contain a list of words,

Only four or five.

And it would be you,

Your home,

Your back to the center of the page.

So let me say again,

A core value is a set of beliefs that influence how you live your life.

What deep down you really stand for.

Now remember,

In the morning of our lives,

We've scattered off.

We've gone off in search of other things.

We've gone off in search of other things.

And quite often,

They don't align.

In fact,

Very rarely,

As we find our way in life,

Do they align to our set of core values.

I've heard core values called your North Star.

You start to get the picture.

If you default back to your core value,

When you're making a decision about a business,

About a relationship,

About a step you've got to take,

A direction in life,

Then you follow the North Star.

I've heard it called a personal code of conduct.

Just think about that for a moment.

When you start to really make friends again with these core values that are unique to you,

It's a personal code of conduct.

You make decisions from a position of strength.

You say no because it doesn't suit or doesn't align to the direction of what you know nurtures you in life.

So let's have a look at the core values before we move to the exercise.

Out in the public domain around about 2019,

I believe,

Harvard did a study around core values.

I'm just going to give you a macro view now.

I think it involved over 2,

000 people and different generations.

What they found was that we've all got a set of core values,

Everybody.

Interestingly enough,

They thought that around 20% of your core values,

My core values,

One or two of them might be genetic or it might be that it follows the female or the male line of your family in the past.

Something like caring or humorous or whatever it is.

You were almost born or picked up very quickly that seed.

That's 20% of your core value.

Some of it was pre-wired,

It seems.

80% and here's the really interesting part,

Although I think that was interesting as well.

80% we pick up.

80% we develop.

Let me explain how this plays out.

When we're children,

Typically,

We may be cared for by someone and we just,

There's something about them that lights us up.

There's something about them that makes us feel safe,

So important in childhood.

There's something about them that makes us feel calm or enthusiastic or happy.

And we can't articulate it at that age,

But seeds are planted that something about that person is going to be who you and I are when we're older.

So we gently start to piece together this core value personality,

Unique to you.

The opposite works as well.

Maybe when we're children or in younger life,

There is an adult,

A carer or somebody in your life who doesn't show you care,

Love,

Compassion,

Safety.

And there are elements of their personality where you decide that actually,

You're going to develop the opposite.

Even at that young age,

This stops with me.

So if he's going to be cruel,

I'm going to be kind.

If he's going to be tight with his money,

I'm going to be giving.

I mean,

I'm using examples here,

But you get the picture.

And we gently start to piece together ourselves.

But then we step out into the world.

And so often,

This is where the disconnection happens.

So it's time to come back to you.

It's time to move to the centre of that circle,

To be true to yourself,

To be authentic,

To dance to the beat of your own drum.

So core values.

Let me give you some examples of core values just to plant a seed.

And then when you start to get a feel for it,

Maybe you do already.

I would like you to maybe mention some in the chat.

But I've got something like 60 or 70 core values here.

And when I do the exercise with groups or one-to-ones,

Some of these carry no weight at all.

You just breeze past them.

But others stop you as you read them.

They stop you dead.

You can't move past them.

And you start to realise there's something in that value for me.

So let me give you some examples just to start it flowing.

Ambition.

Authenticity.

Caring.

Curiosity.

Dependability.

Family.

Fairness.

Honesty.

Loyalty.

Optimism.

Passion.

Recognition.

Respect.

Resilience.

Freedom.

Understanding.

Wisdom.

Friendship.

Generosity.

I could go on and on and on.

So you get an idea about what these things are.

So I might be lifting the lid on this for the first time in your life.

I was in my late 40s.

I'm 58 now.

If anybody wants to say I don't look it,

Then ego is here.

Feel free to type it.

But about 10,

12 years ago was the first time I actually went anywhere near my core values.

It was life-changing.

I realise now that any work that I do has to begin with core values.

Nobody said I don't look 58.

I went looking for it as well.

Terrible.

Anyway,

So what about some core values for yourselves?

Why don't you just give me an idea of maybe what's bubbling to the surface as you start to think about what's really important to you in this life?

What really matters to you?

If there was just one word that you would like associated with you as a legacy,

What would it be?

And just give others an idea in the chat.

It would be great if you could just type something there.

Wonderful,

Bev.

Bev is saying she found out hers two years ago.

Integrity,

Freedom.

Where have you gone,

Bev?

Hang on.

You've gone off the page.

There we go.

Growth,

Contribute.

Growth,

I love that.

Contribution and love.

Donna says fair,

Giving back.

Valerie,

Generosity.

Ivana,

Community.

Miez,

Honesty.

Sheila,

Tenacity.

Good for you,

Sheila.

Susan,

Kindness.

To humans and animals,

Sign me up for that.

Kirsten,

Honesty.

Love,

Says April.

Catherine,

Faithful.

Loyalty.

Precious says curiosity.

Maisie says freedom.

My number one,

Maisie.

More on that in a moment.

Alma says authenticity.

Margie,

Sincerity.

Cal,

Wonderful.

Patience and humility.

These words are just collections of vowels and consonants.

But they carry so much weight.

They carry so much energy.

So what I would like you to do is really start to become aware of your core values.

An exercise that I give when I'm running courses and things is to ask yourself one question.

Now,

This is private work.

And what I mean by that is I'm going to invite you not to share this with anybody else because they couldn't get it.

It's you.

You're trying to unearth here,

To remember,

To revisit,

To revise.

And somebody else could come out who loves you very much could come out with a flippant line that says,

I wouldn't have said curiosity for you.

And off we go again,

Dancing to the beat of somebody else's drum.

This is truth work,

Your work.

So I'm going to invite you at some point.

And why not straight after this session to turn off the phone,

To close the door,

To take a piece of paper and to write at the top of the page three words.

Who am I?

Who am I?

And then sit with the pen and the paper.

And see what comes.

See,

I believe there's a part of you and I,

That smallest Russian doll,

That has sat patiently and waited.

It's watched me drift off course thousands of times,

Even now,

Daily.

And it just gently brings me back onto the path when I remember the collection of words.

So for me,

Freedom is my number one.

I said to you 12,

13 years ago was the first time I looked at these.

I went on a weekend silent meditation retreat.

And when we could all start talking again on the Sunday afternoon,

They said,

You've sat with yourself for two,

Three days in silence.

And I'd like you to ask yourself this question.

What are my core values?

What really matters to me when I'm away from the noise?

And to be honest,

I was ready to go home.

I didn't want to do the exercise,

But I sat with it and it was amazing.

It was a game changer.

And the word freedom came to me and would not go.

Freedom.

So I sat with that word and I realised that at that point in my life,

I was anything but free.

And this isn't turn your back on everything and don't live a life.

But this is I realised that more and more I was signing up to a second book deal that really didn't feel great to me.

And I was tied in.

I was working with certain apps,

Not Insight Timer,

Where I was tied in for a longer period.

Everything around me said,

You're not free and you're making decisions that are not free,

That are not liberating,

That are not flexible.

And so that day,

Quietly and slowly at first,

I made a conscious decision to know that if I got involved with anything,

There is always a degree of flexibility because I operate better.

I nurture myself.

That's my truth.

I'm better when there's a degree of freedom.

Humility.

There was an elderly gentleman who was a profound,

Had a profound effect on my life.

And I realised now looking back,

He was such a humble,

Gentle,

Beautiful person,

Unassuming.

I've had to work on that.

But now if someone wants to come into my life and become a friend,

Then if there's a degree of humility both ways,

The relationship has legs.

Simplicity.

I can't do detail.

If I move to anything with detail,

It doesn't work for me.

So why push water uphill?

Respect.

Fairness.

So these are some words for me.

Let me just see what Bethany's put here before I move on.

Sometimes that person in the mirror makes me feel a little confused and I realise I'm expected to see what I always have,

Though I'm always striving to evolve and grow.

Then I happily settle back into my authenticity.

Wonderful,

Bethany.

Perfect.

I might use that as the overview for the next time I give this talk.

Thank you.

So sit with this piece of paper,

Folks.

Three words at the top.

Who am I?

Now,

What tends to happen is some words come,

And I'm just going to say that you think others would expect to see on the page.

That's not the exercise.

Some words come that you think would make you look quite cool or be quite great to be associated with.

That's not the exercise.

Sit with it.

Let those words come.

Write them down if you need to.

But sit with it.

You'll typically end up with about seven or eight words.

That's step one.

There's only two steps.

Step two is to sit,

Maybe put it away and go back to it.

And what you'll find is three or four of those values start to come off the page towards you,

Feel more prominent.

That's your starter for 10.

That's your core group.

So I have freedom,

Respect,

Humility,

Fairness,

Simplicity.

If I get involved with something and it's around that,

It works for me.

What are your words?

Who are you at this point in your life?

It's time to come home.

And I'd like to sort of finish before any questions with a quote.

When we honor our personal core values consistently.

We experience fulfillment.

When we honor our personal core values consistently.

We experience fulfillment.

We are full.

We feel loved.

We feel nurtured.

We know ourselves.

The opposite of fulfillment is a void.

Emptiness.

Lost.

It's time to gently create fulfillment.

Who am I at this point in the afternoon of my life?

Reviews

Awesome workshop you went to😊Thanks for giving us the highlights 🙏🏻

I ❤️you Ian.
From my heart, thank you for you & your work.

As always so clearly explained and very insightful. Thank you Ian for generously sharing. Now homework «who am I »🙏🏽