How To Find Fullfilment In Life

In this powerful talk, "Your Simple Path" author Ian Tucker looks at why so many of us feel disconnected from the life we truly want for ourselves and reveals the route back to feeling more authentic and alive. A pen and paper are recommended.

Transcript

Who am I?

Maybe just take a moment to ask yourself that question.

At this point in my life,

Whether I'm 26 or 85,

Wherever I live in the world,

Whatever I've experienced,

Who am I at this point in my life?

If I look at the person staring back at me in the mirror,

Do I really recognize him or her?

And I'm speaking from personal experience here.

Sometimes I look up from combing my hair.

No cheap jokes,

You're better than that.

And I literally don't know the man looking back at me in the mirror.

I mean,

I've been around him for 57 years now,

But there seems to be a disconnection somehow.

Who am I at this point in my life?

So this session is to look at that.

Look at the reasons why just quickly at first.

We can feel disconnected,

Maybe a little bit out of sorts,

Not comfortable in our own skin.

And then I'd like to introduce you to a concept that's been around for many years in psychology,

In personal development.

But it's one that I found of great benefit.

And I'll touch on a personal example towards the end as well.

So,

First of all,

Why do we feel disconnected,

Folks?

Why don't we recognize that person who looks back at us in the mirror?

Why perhaps don't we take better care of ourselves?

Well,

Here's our starter for 10.

You and I live in a world that works day and night to make us just like everybody else.

And I'm generalizing there,

But I think you get it.

Advertising,

Social media,

Marketing,

Peer pressure,

Groups.

I mean,

We've only got to leave the house and we're asked to be a certain way,

To conform,

To fit in.

And of course,

The social model helps to keep us safe and in line and all of that.

And I get that.

But if we look just under the surface.

There is an element of society and the world outside of these four walls.

That looks to take me away from me,

To take me away from this moment.

It's as if you go through life and you're here,

You're whole,

You're 100 percent.

And then society,

Peer pressure,

Parents,

Friends,

Whatever it is,

Start wanting parts of me.

Start wanting me to be a certain way.

Start wanting me to be more like them.

And then our relationship will be better.

And it's as if fragments of me break away,

Folks.

It's as if I start to lessen who I really am here and give more and more of myself out into the world.

Work,

Career,

Time spent with other people,

Everybody wants a piece of you.

And ideally,

They want that piece to be exactly like they want that piece to be.

So we change,

We mold into the version that quite often other people want of us.

And then we'll fit in and we'll be OK.

Giving more and more of ourselves away.

Lessening the strength,

The authenticity.

And here's a word for you.

Our real truth.

And that's really what this short talk is about.

How do we start to get back to who we really are?

How do we start to get back to what you really stand for?

How do we start to get back to your core values?

Now,

Some of you may have done work on core values before.

A core value,

In essence,

Is a set of values,

A set of behaviours,

Actions that you feel totally aligned to and you're unique.

And if we go through the short exercise I'm going to introduce you to,

No two lists will be the same or very rarely.

So we're going to introduce a concept that gets us back to who you really are.

So that person who looks back at you in the mirror really recognises you and you recognise that person.

So we're going to look at core values.

So core values,

In essence,

And I've got it here,

If you don't mind,

It's a set of beliefs or opinions that influence how you live your life.

Let me say that again.

A core value is a belief or a set of beliefs and opinions that shape and influence how you live your life.

These are what you really stand for deep down.

What really,

Truly matters to you.

What you value.

So it's like I did a workshop a few years ago and a lady said,

It's almost like a set of those Russian dolls.

And we have the outer doll and we put this out into the world.

But each time you take a doll out,

You're getting closer and closer to your truth,

To your authenticity,

To what really matters to you.

And if there was a piece of paper in the smallest doll,

A scroll,

And we unraveled it,

There would be just a few words that absolutely nail who you are and what you are in this world.

Now,

Here's the rub,

Folks.

So often we move away from that list.

Quite often,

Some of us and me for almost 50 years of my life,

Didn't even know there was something called core values.

And so we're blown around like a leaf in the wind.

Quite often,

Literally living somebody else's values,

Falling in line with what they think is acceptable,

How they think life should be.

And we fragment even more.

So let me introduce you to an exercise.

And if you haven't got a pen and paper,

Then I ask you just to take a moment and get one now.

And I'll pause musical interlude while you do just that.

And this is a three step exercise to really ask you to check back in.

There's a part of you that sat and waited for you to come back.

Maybe there's a part of you that sat and waited for you to be on this talk to check in with this exercise that we're about to do now.

We're going to look at what your core values are.

And this doesn't have to be long winded and drawn out work.

We can plant seeds during this short talk together that then you can sit with and work on.

So let me give you some examples of core values,

Folks,

Just to start the ball rolling.

Remember,

A core value is a set of beliefs or opinions that influence how you live your life.

Another way of looking at it is they provide you with a personal code of conduct,

A North Star.

They keep you on the path.

Otherwise,

We get fragmented.

So here's some examples of some core values.

And I've got about 80 written here.

Remember,

We're all unique.

Personal development.

Recognition.

Safety.

That's a big one for so many people in this new sort of found trauma world that we live in.

Safety.

Certainly a big one for me.

Security.

Spirituality.

Stability.

Understanding.

Wisdom.

The list goes on and on and on.

And this exercise is for you to find your own core values.

So I'd like you to take a piece of paper.

And at the top of the page,

You might want to write down very simply at the top of this page.

What do I stand for?

What do I stand for?

It might be what truly matters to me most.

You see,

We're going deeper here.

What truly matters to me most in this vast,

Eclectic,

Crazy,

Chaotic world that we can so easily get lost in?

What do I stand for?

What matters to me most?

What are my values?

Or you may wish to simply write,

Who am I?

Who am I?

Remember,

There's a part of you that sat and waited.

And then you just sit and you become mindful.

Silence works wonderful here.

And you start to write down anything that comes.

Don't dismiss anything at the moment.

So on the page at the top,

What do I stand for?

What matters to me most?

What are my values?

Who am I?

And then you start to write down what comes.

Freedom.

Authenticity.

Safety.

Kindness.

Simplicity.

Spirituality.

Recognition.

Wisdom.

Fun.

Whatever comes,

Let it come.

Don't try and write anything down that you think should be on the list.

Don't write anything down that you think somebody else would want to be on your list.

This is your list and your list alone.

Remember,

We're bringing you back to your own truth.

We're turning down the outside noise,

Folks.

And just let the list take shape.

You'll typically be left,

Experience tells me,

With about eight to ten core values.

And all of them could be exactly who you are.

But we're going to look to boil that down.

So the first thing is,

You look at the list,

Eight,

Ten,

Twelve,

Whatever it is.

And then you start to ask the questions again.

What do I stand for?

What truly matters most to me?

What are my values?

And you will notice a very interesting thing happens.

Some of the eight to ten that you've written down become more prominent.

Some loosen their grip,

Lessen their effect.

And you set a gentle intent to prioritise,

To bring that list down to four or five.

So at the end of step one,

You're going to be left with four,

Five,

Six core values.

You're really bringing all those fragmented bits back to you.

And then we move on to step two.

Not to do now,

Not to rush in your own time,

Because this may change.

And I would suggest you do it in pencil.

But you start then to prioritise your core values.

What is your biggest core value?

What is the thing that most defines you when you truly take the time to look?

What do you really stand for?

And you take those four,

Five,

Six values and you prioritise them.

So you're left with your biggest core value,

The thing that really defines you the most.

Then the second,

Third,

Fourth,

Fifth,

Sixth.

So at the end of step two,

You've defined your core,

Core list of values.

You've prioritised them from one down to whatever the final number is.

And you're really starting to piece together your truth,

Your authentic self,

Who you really are.

Now,

You may be finding this out for the first time in your life.

You may suddenly realise there are words on here that now make so much sense to things that aren't working in your life.

And we'll come on to how we gently start to build them in in a little while.

So at the end of step two,

You're left with a core,

Core group and you've prioritised them.

One,

Two,

Three,

Four,

Five,

Whatever.

So we're going to move on now to step three.

You've got your list.

It's prioritised.

And this is where we're going to do an audit,

An authentic,

True audit.

And we're going to look at each.

So let's say that creativity is number one on your list.

I'm just saying number one is creativity.

How aligned are you each day on a regular basis with your number one core value?

If you're really aligned with it and you say,

Do you know what?

No surprises there.

I've picked creativity and it's laced through everything I do.

Then mark it ten because we're going to do a sliding scale from one to ten.

The more aligned you feel to these core values,

The higher the number.

So if you're totally aligned,

You would put a ten next to the core value.

If you're aware of it and you spend time around it,

Seven,

Eight,

Six,

Whatever it is.

But if you've suddenly had a bit of a penny drop moment and you realise that your core value has bubbled to the surface,

Won't go away.

It really is there to be seen,

But you're not living it.

Then just one,

Two,

Three,

A lower number on the audit.

So at the end of step three,

You're going to be left with your core,

Core group of values.

They're going to be prioritised and you're going to have an honest audit and assessment with a number next to it.

And this is where we can start to fill in the gaps.

So there's the three step process.

You go from being out in the world,

Sort of knowing what you like to be around,

Sort of knowing if something doesn't suit.

But now you can get a real understanding why that person doesn't feel right to you,

Why that new friendship isn't flowing,

Why the job or the career opportunity is really lighting you up.

Or for some reason,

There's a dull ache and something doesn't feel right.

It's because they're either aligning to your core values,

To your inner truth,

Or they're not.

So we're left with this list,

Unique to you,

Almost as unique as eye or fingertip recognition.

Everyone has their list.

There might be a theme to certain lists,

But this is unique to you.

And this is where it gets really exciting.

I'm not saying there has to be wholesale change overnight.

But every day you and I have decisions to make,

Have actions to plan,

Start to gently make them around your core values.

So let's say you've got something in the diary on the 27th of October and your heart just sinks because you've said yes when you wanted to say no.

I would bet that when you assess your core values,

The meeting itself,

The personal people who are going to be there,

Or the nature of what's happening doesn't align to your core values.

And it's amazing how quickly you can start to streamline yeses,

No thank yous and decisions.

So you can bring them more in line,

You can bring more fragmented pieces back.

So you start to make a decision,

That personal code of conduct,

That North Star.

And a quote that I always use with people who go through the course with me.

When we honour our personal core values consistently,

We experience fulfilment.

We have taken the parts that others took because we didn't know who we are.

And we've brought it back here.

So you might want to look at three areas and you could pick lots of different areas here.

But once you've really got a handle on these core values,

Look at something like the relationships in your life.

Those that work will nourish your core values.

I'm certain of it,

I know it to be a universal truth.

Whether by chance or because some part of you just knew it,

The person you're connected with,

The group on a Tuesday night that you look forward to all week.

The telephone call that you always pick up is because that person,

That group,

That connection,

That relationship aligns to who you really are.

Nothing's left to chance.

There's a flip side to that.

Look at relationships that aren't working.

Look at relationships that drain your energy.

Look at relationships that leave you empty,

Unfulfilled.

It's because they're not ticking the boxes that you've identified here.

They're not ticking the boxes that fulfill and nourish who you really are,

Your true essence.

Work,

Career.

Take a look at the work that you currently do.

This isn't about packing everything in and packing a bag and disappearing to find you know your truth.

So look at the work,

Look at career,

Look at opportunities that are coming up where the world tells you that promotion is a logical next step,

A natural progression.

But it just doesn't feel right.

No thank you to that promotion.

Wait.

Trust your intuition.

Live your truth.

Leisure and well-being.

How do you spend your time?

What about if you've just identified that nature was so important to you that just being around nature completely fulfills you?

And you get a break at work.

The first thing you do is pick up your phone and go on to social media.

We don't look out the window.

We don't spend time in fresh air.

We don't look at the trees or the sky.

So how do you spend your time?

Because the more that you put tokens back into yourself,

The more that you keep feeding your core values,

The better your life will be.

Let me give you that quote again,

Folks.

When we honor our personal core values consistently,

We experience fulfillment.

We are full.

Overflowing.

So now you know.

And when we know more,

We can do more.

The person,

The relationship,

The job,

The opportunities,

The me time.

Start to gently bring them back in to who you really are.

When we honor our personal core values consistently,

We experience fulfillment.

Reviews

This gave me real life action to determine my values, thank you!

Simple effective solutions to finding our true selves. Step by step guide to find our path. A real eye opener. Thank you 🙏🩷

Thank you for posting this talk. I tuned into the very end of the live event and was happy to hear you say that the content would be available as a talk. I’m looking forward to doing the exercises you outlined. As an aside, I can’t seem to find your book as a playlist, but I’ve been able to listen to the first few chapters as individual tracks, and am very much enjoying it. Thanks for the gift!

This is worth listening to over and over again with a journal and a pen

Wonderful talk. I am now thinking a lot more about upcoming decisions, my friendships and hobbies. Thank you 🙏🏻

Thank you Ian. Not something I had thought of before really enlightening. More work needed and I shall listen again 🙏

Thank you for this talk Ian. I am finding that what you say is so true. The more I honour and consider my core values in all that I do, the better and more magical my life becomes.