Everything Begins With An Ending

Shifting into changes means sensing the new beginning ahead of us and saying goodbye to what went before. Endings are crucial to positive change. Whether that’s about shifting into a new life stage, a new job, a new mindset. And they’re often ignored - or rushed past.

In this episode of The Regroup Hour, we explore what it takes to create good endings, in order to build strong beginnings.

“Every beginning is a consequence. Every beginning ends something.” Paul Valéry

Transcript

Welcome to The Regroup Hour,

The podcast that's all about how we make and manage change by building a bedrock of self-care.

Self-care that comes from self-awareness and self-compassion.

This is a gentle hour-ish to take some time out for yourself to simply be and see whatever this time brings.

It truly is an opportunity to regroup.

So the French poet Paul Valery once wrote,

Every beginning is a consequence.

Every beginning ends something.

And I felt with everything that we're experiencing right now with this transition out of lockdown.

This could be a lovely area to explore this idea of endings and endings being a really fundamental and crucial part of change and of how we experience change.

So if you're on the mailing list,

You'll have seen that I recently went through my own process of change.

I have changed the name of my business.

I no longer operate under the name Regroup.

It's now simply Henny Flynn.

And this process of working through how to leave that word regroup and how to move into simply being Henny Flynn was actually complex and multi-layered.

And brought up all kinds of emotions for me because I'm really grateful to that time that I've had under that regroup banner.

But it just felt that it was really the right moment for me to make this change.

And so in order to do it,

I had to say goodbye.

I had to end something in order to begin.

So when we think about all of our life stages,

Really,

Leaving home for the first time,

Or even,

You know,

Going to school for the first time,

Our first job or changing jobs,

Relationships,

Ending or beginning.

Children growing and leaving home,

Transitioning into our second spring,

That gorgeous phrase that the Chinese use for the time after menopause,

Which I think applies equally to men and women,

By the way.

All of these life stages,

They all begin with an ending.

So even if we look back at,

You know,

Going off to school for the very first time,

It's an ending of our time at home with our caregivers.

If we think about relationships,

You know,

Starting a relationship is essentially saying,

You know,

Saying goodbye to that time that we have when we're single,

When we only take our own needs into account and stepping into a time when we're starting to consider the needs of another person alongside our own.

And equally,

These,

You know,

Sort of life stage changes such as,

You know,

Maybe,

You know,

Big birthdays,

Like sort of,

You know,

Moving from our 40s into our 50s or our 20s into our 30s.

They can,

You know,

Be very critical,

Very,

You know,

Emotionally charged times in our life because essentially we're saying goodbye to one way of identifying who we are into another way of identifying who we are.

So,

You know,

I'm very strongly identified now with being a woman in my 50s.

And I didn't know how that was going to be when I was in my 40s.

So making that transition,

You know,

For many of us can be,

Can feel really challenging.

It's like,

What am I leaving behind?

What am I saying goodbye to?

And so this,

This experience of recognising how important these endings are to sort of good positive kind of new beginnings is,

You know,

Is a really lovely area to explore.

So a question here for you really is what endings are you facing?

What new beginnings are you looking to create?

And in order to create those,

What do you need to say goodbye to?

What ending do you need to acknowledge?

And these can be really subtle,

These changes.

So they can be,

You know,

Internal,

The way that we think or feel,

Or they could be really tangible,

You know,

What we,

What we do or what we say or where we work or where we live,

Etc.

So,

Since moving into this house,

This is,

This is my,

My own personal reflection of this experience of endings and beginnings.

We,

Since moving here,

We have endlessly,

I use that word,

No pun intended,

Circled back to whether this is the right place for us.

So we lived abroad for many years,

And we always thought we'd only be in the UK for five,

Maybe 10 years.

And,

Of course,

It's,

It's actually been closer to 25 years,

And 20 of those will have been spent in this beautiful home I say will have been because there is an ending on its way.

So we,

You know,

That's not to say that we haven't been happy here it's been,

It's been a wonderful family home but I think there's always been this sort of sense of slightly pushing against it.

And,

And yet,

Nothing really tipped us into taking action.

And,

And so,

You know,

We've lived here,

Very,

Very happily for all this time.

But we realized,

One of our reflections are mine and my husband Anton's sort of collective reflections,

Is that during lockdown,

Something shifted.

We walked like so many of us,

We spent a huge amount of time outside last year the weather in England was so beautiful.

It was so accommodating and allowed us to spend time outside when,

You know,

When we were in so many other ways so restricted.

And during those endless long walks,

We fell in love with where we live.

I mean,

Deeply,

Truly in love.

I'd always thought that the land around here was really flat,

It turns out actually there are undulations that we had just never seen.

We fell in love with a particular oak tree,

And used to go and visit her.

You know whenever we could,

You know if I could go every day I would.

And we really saw all that there is around us for all that it is.

And the really interesting thing here for us has been that with that,

With that recognition of how lovely it is where we are.

There's actually come a sense of release.

There's come this feeling that rather than pulling away from being here.

It's almost like the house and the land is actually releasing us.

And actually that's given us a very,

Very different perspective on being more open about actually moving to something new,

Or moving somewhere new.

So it might sound on the surface,

Like nothing much has changed,

You know we're still considering moving,

But on an internal level,

It feels so different to the extent that we're actually in the process of making some quite exciting and really life changing plans.

So endings can also be what happens when we decide to let something go emotionally.

And William Bridges,

Who was an expert on change,

Saw that there's a big difference between change and transition.

And he said that change happens to us,

Even if we don't agree with it.

Whereas transition is internal.

It's what happens in our minds,

As we go through change.

And I love the model,

The change model that William Bridges created,

And it is a beautiful example of nominative determinism,

Which is that.

I also love that phrase,

Nominative determinism.

It's basically where our name determines the work that we do.

So William Bridges saw that change always involves something ending in order for something new to begin,

And that it's like we build a bridge across the space between the two.

Of course,

A really important factor here as well is that we all respond really differently to change.

And we're seeing this in Technicolor with the shifts into and out of lockdown and all the different experiences of those around us,

Our loved ones,

Colleagues,

You know,

People that we see in the street,

We're all responding so differently to,

You know,

These different phases of ending and new beginnings.

And the useful thing here really is the most useful thing I would say actually is to be deeply aware of how change makes you feel personally,

And then manage that.

So you either don't leap at change as a way of avoiding other things that perhaps feel painful or challenging,

And that's definitely part of my MO.

Or,

You know,

That you don't avoid change because of fear,

And then end up limiting your options,

Or your life choices,

Because of that fear,

And perhaps potentially even miss out on something that would really fuel you and really serve you.

So,

Just being aware of our experience of change can be,

You know,

One of the most useful things that we can do to support ourselves as we go through it,

Because as we know,

Change is the only constant.

So in William Bridges model,

He identified,

There are three stages of change.

Endings,

Transition,

And new beginnings.

And it's really important that we're aware of all three,

Because choosing to make a change means being aware that we're ending something.

So,

Back to my example of leaving this house,

I think one of the things that had blocked us before is that we hadn't really identified what we would be ending.

We were,

You know,

We were actually trying to leave stuff behind that was,

You know,

Difficult,

Challenging.

I've talked very openly about,

You know,

My experience with stress in the past,

And I think that was a big part of my driver.

I was trying to leave that behind,

And I thought that if we moved house,

It would go,

But of course,

I now know that that would not have helped.

And in fact,

Moving house is one of the most stressful things that we can do.

But I also felt that we didn't really understand what we were leaving behind until we really,

You know,

Saw it for the first time.

It sounds crazy,

Doesn't it?

Twenty years here.

I really like seeing the land for the first time,

Really seeing how beautiful it is.

It was only when we saw that that it was as though on a,

You know,

On a much deeper level that the place released us.

So it's really important for positive change that things that came before it end well.

Even if they haven't been happy times,

And this can be quite a complex thing to take on if what we are moving away from is something that is deeply,

Deeply painful.

So in the example that I just shared,

You know,

For me,

Leaving,

You know,

Leaving a job that was really stressful.

It's very easy just to kind of run away from it to,

You know,

And slam the door in metaphorical terms,

Rather than to have a positive ending.

And something that would then really support us as we move on into whatever the new beginning is.

So just to explore this a little bit more,

It's we can we can make a mental and emotional decision to have closure.

To leave what has happened in the past and to be fully present in the choices we are making to move forward.

And a build on this is that it can be immensely powerful to offer gratitude for the experience we had for what we learned for how it resourced us and how it challenged us.

And there's a lovely phrase or a lovely piece of work that I do here with clients actually is to support them in seeing what it is that they will bring with them that serves them from that ending and to leave behind what doesn't serve them.

So back to that example of work,

You know,

I in the past,

I when I sort of had,

You know,

Previous very stressful jobs,

There's a bit of a pattern here.

I had left in a very abrupt way.

Not not said goodbye to people left and kind of hidden myself really and and that that really didn't serve me.

And it also didn't serve the people that I'd worked with where I had had really some good strong relationships.

It left them in the lurch,

It left me in the lurch.

But the last the last sort of role that I left,

I left well because I recognize the need for me to to have really good closure on that experience so that I didn't have to keep coming back to it emotionally,

Mentally and and and revisit it and relive it.

And I was able just to go,

Okay,

It's time and and and move on.

So that's the ending,

You know,

That's phase one,

We choose we choose to leave we choose to have closure we choose to end what we're moving on from.

And then there's this bridge across the space to the new beginning.

So we can see this space as the liminal space I just love that word.

And it's the place where the change happens on a really deep level.

We can often find ourselves fighting that experience,

You know that that space between the ending and the new beginning this liminal space we can find ourselves sort of,

You know,

Feeling deeply uncomfortable.

Because it feels a bit ruthless,

Maybe we feel so we're not 100% sure of what direction we're going in.

And we can feel a bit powerless,

Actually,

And lack of control can can be,

You know,

Really,

Really present.

So,

An invitation,

If you find yourself in that experience is to seek a sense of surrender to the experience that you're having.

And that doesn't mean being passive or sort of giving up your volition or autonomy,

It simply means really really surrendering into whatever the experience is and bringing all of your awareness to noticing what you're going through.

And rather than turn away from it.

If it feels uncomfortable,

Is to turn toward it,

You know that kind of Buddhist stance of turning toward pain rather than,

Rather than turning away and distracting ourselves and ignoring and suppressing.

So,

To see what it is that is creating the disturbance,

If there is one without trying to fix it in the first instance.

So I talk a lot in the podcast about this,

You know how important it is to simply notice what is going on for us,

Without,

Without trying to fix it without trying to change it.

Just noticing it.

And then once we've noticed it was a really really compassionate stance and the,

You know,

Holding ourselves and in the most loving embrace from there.

Once we can really see what's happening,

Then we can,

You know,

Make a choice about.

So what do we want to do next.

And,

And it also by taking this this time to observe what we're experiencing it's,

It's like a metaphorical breath isn't it it's that's a feeling of like.

Okay,

What's really going on here,

What am I responding to what am I finding uncomfortable.

What's making me agitated.

And then once we've identified that,

Then we can adopt a stance of experimentation,

We can try things out,

We can bring a really open mind to what we're experiencing.

We can get support from someone else,

Either someone like me a coach or or from friends or colleagues or,

You know,

People at work to help us keep moving forward to help us have clear sight of the goal or the direction of travel that we want to move in.

And,

And just as a really experience.

What this liminal space feels like and and not try to rush ourselves through it either.

The liminal space can be a really beautiful place,

Particularly if you're going through or contemplating some,

You know,

Deeper personal changes.

And,

You know,

Really,

We can actually start to enjoy the discomfort is a phrase that we often talk about isn't it comfort in the discomfort,

Well the discomfort is often in the liminal space.

And so,

You know,

Just noticing Oh God this is feeling really uncomfortable can be can be wonderful.

And then finally,

You know,

Once,

As we've sort of moved through this liminal space is the next stage in William bridges model,

And,

And of course the liminal space is where that bridge spans,

You know,

From the ending,

And it spans from there to new beginnings and that's the third part of his model.

And that's where the change becomes clearer.

We're across the bridge,

We've created,

And we feel ready for what's to come you know our motivations are clear on our direction of travel.

We can look back and we can see,

Gosh,

You know I moved away from from that place,

Whether that's a,

You know,

Whether that's somewhere where you were really happy or somewhere that you know where things were challenging whether that's a relationship a job,

A way of eating,

A way of exercising,

A way of feeling a way of thinking you know whatever it is that you've moved away from it's when we're standing in the new beginnings we can look back and see,

You know what that is that we've said goodbye to.

We can see the journey that we went on as we crossed over the bridge from the endings to the new beginnings.

And,

You know,

We can hold ourselves and feel right okay well I did that I made that journey I created that change for myself and,

And that can be where,

You know that sense of motivation to keep moving forward can can feel really really like visceral.

And of course,

Of course here.

This time,

You know as we like stand,

You know at this point of new beginnings with time,

This may become another ending.

And,

And there may be a new bridge forming our feet that spans another liminal space that takes us to another new beginning.

And I like to think about these bridges,

Like the bridges in Venice.

You know,

These tiny beautiful stone or wooden bridges that just span the canals and,

You know,

We can travel across them endlessly as we create this series of beautiful journeys and move through life.

And when I use that phrase,

You know,

Beautiful journey it's,

It's not to say that everything is easy,

Because as we all know,

You know,

Not everything in life is easy or feels easy,

But it can still be beautiful.

We can still turn toward it,

We can still experience what we're going through,

And we can still,

You know,

Have gratitude for what we learn from it for what we take from it for how it informs us as we move on into the next change that we create.

So,

If there's something you know that's really resonating with you here,

If there's something that you're exploring right now,

And you want some support with making your own change with creating your own ending,

Building your own bridge and reaching your own new beginning,

Then you know where I am.

This work is is really really beautiful and and powerful and having somebody by your side to support you as you go through it can be,

You know,

Immensely useful.

So,

I wanted to close today with a My Darling Girl,

Which I wrote for myself you know all my darling girls are written for me about sort of,

And you know,

And they arise at times in my own life where,

You know,

I've been experiencing,

Whatever it is that the My Darling Girl is all about.

And this one,

You might not be surprised to hear is about the bridge and the bridge between the ending and the beginning.

So,

Before I read it,

I will just like to say thank you so much for listening.

Thank you for being here.

Thank you to Angus for his music.

And if you'd like to join the mailing list actually it's something that I often forget to mention,

Then please just drop me a note.

So Henny at Henny Flynn.

Co.

Uk no longer regroup as you can hear,

And,

Or just come to Henny Flynn.

Co.

Uk on the website and you can come and join the mailing list on there as well.

And,

And also come and find me on Instagram as well.

So,

At Henny underscore Flynn,

Or come and find us on the Regroup Power on Facebook.

And if you are going through menopause,

You know,

If you're sort of anywhere in that menopause journey,

Then please come and find the positive menopause as well,

Either on Instagram or Facebook,

And it'd be wonderful to see there in our little community.

Okay,

So thank you again,

And just have a little listen.

My darling girl.

When you place your foot upon the bridge of rope and feel how wide it swings.

I see your trembling knees and the whiteness of your knuckles as you grip it sides.

When you lean back to the ending you sense is coming and turn your gaze from what you thought you wanted to begin.

I see how torn you are with fear at losing all that ever was,

And what there might have been.

When you stumble to take the second step and wish you had not begun.

I see you doubt the passion in your belly that built this bridge that conjured up the vision on the other side.

I see you list the things that will have to change and all you want to stay the same.

Oh,

My darling girl.

Take heart.

When you step across the bridge,

All that matters travels with you.

Your bravery and courage,

Your resources and your strength.

Your joy and boundless love.

Your endless tenderness.

Stand calm upon this bridge.

See the views that open out before you.

Take your time.

There is no rush.

This journey is just a step on the great path of life.

All is there to be savoured and enjoyed.

And if you decide in your vast wisdom to return from whence you came,

That is okay.

And if you grasp the ropes that link the then with now and when,

And place your steady feet upon the slats and gaze with softened eye upon the place of which you dream.

Well,

Then,

Of course,

That is okay.

Wrapped up in all that makes you shine.

Take care my dears.

I send you a hug and a wave.

Reviews

You have such a beautifully affirming way of talking about change. And I also am a fan of William’s change model. Thank you 🙏 for being who you are in the world.

This appeared at just the right time for me while I am amist SOOOO much change in my life. I loved your shared experience which has given me a much needed "look at both sides" and a much more posative mind set. THANK YOU. 💕

This was exactly what I needed today because I am making changes and really need a fresh start in living truly my life! I will follow her and hopefully find more of her work!

Really beautiful episode and so relevant to my life right now. Thank you.

This message is just what I needed. I'm in my liminal stage, building my next bridge and choosing my materials & destinations carefully. Lots of fear coming up, but also lots of courage. Thank you for your incredible words of support. I will bring them with me across the bridge. ♥️

So glad I found this - and you! Thank you so much. 🌱

Thank you🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻A lot to ponder. What I take from it is to really consciously saying goodbye, giving closure to the life that ends, being aware of the “bridge” part, the life in-between, before getting to the new. My husband died almost 4 years ago. I knew I was going to move back to Europe, was not ready then. At the beginning of last year, I felt ready, then covid happened, and all was, and is,still on hold. Frankly, feeling terrified of the whole thing of selling the house and all that it entails, finding a new home at the other side of the ocean and moving, yet inside there is an inner knowing it will somehow all fall into place...