Understanding Attachment Wounds (Trauma)

This is an in-depth exploration of attachment wounds/trauma that originate (usually) in childhood when core needs aren't met by a parent. Contains information on the nervous system, fight/flight/shutdown survival responses, core relationship needs, attachment styles, and relationship dynamics. As adults, how can we become aware of what are attachment wounds actually are, and how they impact our current relationships?
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Transcript

Hi,

My name is Robert Oleskiewicz.

I'm the primary psychotherapist at Hero's Journey Therapy and this will be about attachment wounds.

And yes,

You probably have one.

As infants,

Toddlers,

Children,

Adolescents,

And adults,

We all have a core need to connect with another human and feel safe in their presence.

In fact,

This need to be understood and accepted by another is the driving force fueling our choices and impacting our relationships.

We don't just want to love and be loved,

We need it.

Yet,

There are so many different ways that we didn't have that need met and just as many ways that attachment injury from long ago surfaces in our adult relationships.

When we have consistent and reliable caregivers who help us meet this need,

We grow up feeling safe,

Secure,

And understood in relationships.

This can be called having a secure attachment style because we feel secure with ourselves and safe in relationships.

The baby who is consistently receiving smiles and eye contact from the mother as mom coos and lovingly holds him or her is getting that need met.

She or he has a great foundation for secure attachment.

Unfortunately,

Not all of us have this experience.

So what about mom or dad who is running late for work,

Stressed about money,

Anxious about their own life,

And therefore not connecting to the inner world of their child.

Or when the child is upset,

Mom or dad isn't able to be soothing and present.

Well,

It's probably not a big deal if this happens once in a while.

However,

If this is ongoing,

Chronic,

The little one may experience an attachment wound.

An attachment wound means the inner world was not understood,

Recognized,

Accepted by the parent.

This emotional attunement,

Someone getting us,

Is a universal core need for all of us and is especially necessary for little ones.

When this need isn't met,

The first reaction may be to protest.

The nervous system will actually go in to fight flight and if and when that doesn't work,

The child may shut down,

In essence,

Disconnecting from that need.

The kid will internalize the message,

I am unimportant or unworthy of recognition.

The message isn't something the young one can verbalize or intellectually understand in that moment,

But it is a felt experience.

When this goes on and on,

And for a lot of us in much more dramatic,

Unhealthy,

And even abusive ways,

The young one internalizes these unhealthy messages,

Which then become core beliefs about themselves or about relationships.

This is a form of self-betrayal that occurs when we learn to relinquish our needs and emotions in order to gain love and approval of a parent.

So let's dive into this a bit.

We'll take the example of a child reaching for a cookie without the parent's permission.

The mother or father says no and the kid reacts with crying or a temper tantrum,

Which is what kids do because they're kids.

If the parent lacks the emotional maturity and the ability to contain their child's emotional outburst,

The parent may end up shaming the child.

Stop crying,

Why can't you just behave like every other kid?

The parent not allowing the child to be sad or disappointed is teaching that child that it's not safe to authentically express these emotions.

Or don't make your father angry.

The child has just been sent the message that anger is something that should be avoided.

The result,

The child disconnects from these emotions or represses them and learns to survive in more inauthentic ways.

When it doesn't feel safe for my outside expression to match my inside state,

I must repress this feeling or this part of me in order to survive in this relationship.

This is the beginning of being disconnected from emotions and authentic parts of ourselves for the sake of maintaining the relationship.

We sometimes call this abandoning authenticity for attachment.

This not only applies to certain feelings,

But also to not feeling safe expressing certain parts of oneself or having certain qualities.

If it's not safe to be spontaneous,

Creative,

Exuberant,

Overweight,

Underweight,

A dancer,

An artist,

Etc.

The natural reaction is to feel ashamed and disconnected from that part of ourselves.

The imprint on the nervous system is in order to survive and maintain this relationship,

I can't be like this.

Criticizing the child unhealthy shame instead of sternly and gently disciplining him or her explaining what the child did wrong can be an attachment wound.

Even healthy shame is okay.

Steven,

No.

However,

After unhealthy shame,

The message the child has just heard and internalized is it's not safe to be sad,

Disappointed or frustrated or for some of us it's not safe to be happy,

Spontaneous,

Etc.

If my natural expression of a normal human emotion results in disapproval and shame from my parents,

I must not be okay.

Something is wrong with me or relationships are not safe places to express this or express myself.

This could be the origin of an insecure attachment style,

Seeking love,

Connection and intimacy but always feeling like rejection or abandonment are right around the corner.

Other internalized messages that lead to self-betrayal,

Girls don't act like that,

Boys don't dress like that,

Don't be so sensitive,

My life would be so much better if I'd never had kids.

Attachment injury or attachment trauma results from a felt experience of being unsafe rather than literally being in danger,

Although this can also be the case.

The parent who has good intentions still provides food,

Shelter and basic necessities.

Even so,

The child can find it unsafe to be authentic in his or her relationship with the parent because the little one's anger,

Sadness,

Spontaneity,

Impulsivity,

Creativity and curiosity were not met with acceptance and understanding.

She or he was not seen,

Felt,

Heard and understood.

The parent may be unable to tolerate,

Understand and accept the child being childish because of their own emotional immaturity,

Past trauma or a variety of other reasons.

It doesn't mean they're a bad parent,

However,

When a child has the feeling and experience of it's not safe to have this need,

This need is not going to be met in this relationship,

I must detach or disconnect from having this need.

In that moment,

The little one isn't able to understand that it's the parent's emotional immaturity that caused the lack of connection.

They just have the experience of feeling unsafe expressing this need.

The result,

The potential beginning of an avoidant attachment style.

I must shut down,

Avoid intimacy because it isn't safe to rely on this person and or a relationship to get that need met.

The definition of trauma is evolving.

It is now less defined by a specific incident such as war,

Abuse,

Neglect,

An accident or natural disaster,

But more defined by the body's response to a given event or situation,

Whether acute,

Short term or chronic,

Long lasting.

We now see trauma as the nervous system's inability to manage an event.

That is to say,

It is unable to return to homeostasis after the protective and adaptive flight,

Fight,

Freeze response kicks in.

When an activated nervous system is unable to come back to equilibrium and get stuck looping in that dysregulated,

Fight,

Flight,

Freeze state,

It becomes a problem.

Whole lives can be lived in that state.

When in such a state,

It is incredibly difficult if not impossible to connect,

Empathize,

Attune to and feel safe with another.

This is what it means to be living with unprocessed trauma.

The nervous system responds to relationship attachment disruptions because our survival is dependent upon feeling safe and connected to those we love.

Hence,

An impressionable kid can be heavily affected by a mother or father who is not paying attention at important moments,

Preoccupied with their own stuff,

Or not being emotionally present in other ways.

In other words,

Just not recognizing or validating the experience of the child.

The fight,

Flight or shut down response of the nervous system kicks in as a result of feeling unsafe in these relationships.

If it's not possible for the nervous system to come back to baseline,

Because we live in the same house with the same parents,

Month after month and year after year,

This reality of not getting our needs met results in our system being dysregulated.

The system stays looping in these dysregulated states in an attempt at protection.

With trauma,

There doesn't have to be an obvious incident and it doesn't mean the parent is a bad person.

It just means they were not there to emotionally attune,

Understand the child's inner world.

If this happens over time,

It may result in developmental or attachment wounds or trauma.

This means the child has now interpreted in a very felt sense,

Not in a cognitive or verbal way,

That this attachment or relationship that he or she depends on for survival is not available in a reliable way.

It is at this point that the system feels unsafe and the fight,

Flight or freeze response kicks in.

This is why we see a child disconnecting or acting out in ways that allows him or her to survive without getting core needs met.

It's also why as adults,

Relationships can be so challenging.

Even though we are no longer children,

When this felt sense connected to these past moments is triggered,

We act out in ways that are meant to protect us,

Like they may have in the past,

But are now actually hurting us or our relationship.

The key here is the awareness that in this moment,

As an adult,

We may very well be safe and the person we are in relationship with is likely able and willing to meet our connection needs.

But it's that protective response of our system,

Which gets triggered in these moments of intimacy.

Thus,

We resort to our old ways of disconnecting,

Fight flight and shutting down.

It just wasn't safe in the past.

So our systems threat detector sees it as unsafe now.

When dysregulated,

The nervous system releases stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol.

This happens when a child or young person learns that their primary attachment person cannot be relied upon for safety and regulation.

Living in this state means a person feels insecure,

Stirred up and basically unsafe to be in a relationship.

This is the attachment wound.

As adults,

Whenever a person,

Situation or experience triggers this felt sense of not being safe,

We react in ways the same ways that we had to resort to in the past,

Which is to say we don't act in alignment with empathy,

Connection and authenticity.

In other words,

We had to betray that need or that part of ourselves in the past in order to survive.

So it makes sense that we feel unsafe in the present.

As a result of the wound,

We form core beliefs about ourselves or about relationships.

I'm not okay.

I'm bad.

I don't measure up.

Imposter syndrome are common ones.

Relationships don't last.

I'll be abandoned or rejected.

I'm unlovable are some others.

These beliefs then become the identity.

Guess when our unhealthy core beliefs and attachment wounds surface?

In moments of intensity and intimacy.

Relationship trauma or attachment trauma impacts us more than we think.

This is not to say we all suffer from abuse or neglect.

It could be much more subtle than that.

It's also not to blame anyone.

Our parents were likely good people and did their best.

Still,

We want to understand and recognize how our attachment wounds are manifesting in our adult behaviors.

Learning to recognize your attachment injury and how to work with it and heal from it is necessary for mental health and the maintenance of healthy relationships.

I hope this resonated with you.

If so,

Please feel free to hit that little donate button for more free content like this or go to heroesjourneytherapy.

Com and sign up for my free newsletter.

Thank you.

Reviews

This was incredibly informative & helped me understand more about how I developed certain patterns/ways of being. Thank you so much. 🙏✨🦋✨

Thank you a lot of insight there 🙏

Thank you 🙏🏼

Informative and extremely helpful in understanding our inner workings and of others. Truly appreciate this. Thank you for creating 🙏🏼

Beautifully explained just when I needed to hear it thank you 🙏

This is quite exceptional. I have trouble finding the words to convey my inner self experience, yet Rob captures it lucidly and powerfully.

Thank you, this was very illuminating and very clearly explained 🙏

Thank you. I have been working through my mother wound. This talk opened my eyes to how truly deep it goes.

Best summary of my developmental life experience I have heard. How many of us know things don’t work quite right in our lives, were never right in our families of origin, but don’t know why or what to do about it because we have no point of reference? And can’t find help that understands and talks about it this way, and knows what can help? Thank-you for this marker on my journey.🙏

Very clear and helpful. There are other wounded attachment styles than avoidant, and I was hoping to learn a little about those as well. Do you have other talks that cover those? 🙏

Thank you Baba,

You have accelerated my healing process in just a few minutes by compassionately explaining something so simple yet so complex.

I hope it makes sense.

Keep on the good work and stay blessed.

💛🌻

Thank you!

This is absolutely great! A perfect explanation of such an interesting subject! Thank you so much!!! 🙏💫❤️✨

Awesome

Thank you. Some very good points made. Looking at something from a different perspective.

Very illuminating! This really puts some pieces in place about my relationships and self-limiting behaviors. Thank you 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Yeh I’m guilty of the negative parenting at times. Frustration, a personality flaw passed down to me. Hoping to undue 13 yrs of damage. Thank you for this.