Finding Your Sweet Spot

Learn how to stay grounded and centered, even when you are in the midst of conflict or difficulty. Learning basic meditation and simple mindfulness practices are vital tools that will help you respond to yourself and others with wisdom and skill, instead of react impulsively or aggressively. You can learn how to notice thoughts and feelings instead of being swept away by them. This is the first step to mastering your mind and emotions.

Transcript

Music Hello everyone,

Welcome back to Lunch Break Therapy,

Your high quality,

Low cost online psychotherapy course where I,

Robert Oliskovitch,

Am introducing and going deep into a whole bunch of different topics that I've touched on and learned and experienced in my work as a licensed psychotherapist for over two decades and in my own messy and awesome personal life.

Thank you for being here.

Today we're going to go into finding your sweet spot.

This is maybe the most important,

I don't know if it's the most important,

But how can it not be the most important tool?

Just learning how to mindfully practice managing and processing difficult feelings and emotions.

We all have them and we all react to them in ways that we probably wish we hadn't.

And so today we're going to talk about some meditations and mindfulness practices that you can engage in that are really going to impact your life for the better.

So I'm re-recording part of this now because I realized that as I'm going through this module I'm referring to the purpose of finding your sweet spot as important just for people who are struggling with frustration tolerance and anger management and challenging feelings.

And that's actually true,

This is a great practice for people who struggle in these areas and have these challenges.

But it's certainly not just for these people.

I mean first of all we all sometimes struggle in these areas so I shouldn't say these people as if that's a problem that only some people have.

So I think we all struggle with anger and frustration and difficult feelings and reactivity.

So in that sense it's good for all of us.

But it's not just for those intense difficult moments,

It's also for these challenging moments that we experience day to day where it's not necessarily our emotions or feelings getting too intense or overwhelming but we are in the midst of a challenging situation.

I'll give you a lighthearted example.

Every Saturday I play soccer with a bunch of French guys.

We have a team and we play against other teams and my team is all French.

I'm the only American.

And after each game we go and have a couple of beers and talk about whatever,

We have a couple of beers.

And these guys are pretty good about wanting to make me feel comfortable and pretty good about doing their best to speak English.

But of course a lot of times they naturally resort to French because that's what they're most comfortable with.

And there are moments when it's just French,

You know they're just speaking French.

Sometimes for many minutes or maybe even hours at a time.

And I'm sitting there little by little becoming uncomfortable at times.

And so I start to question myself,

The monkey mind interferes,

What am I doing here?

Why am I hanging out with these guys?

I could be talking with someone else.

I could be having a conversation with someone or I could be at home.

And I start second guessing my intention for being there and a little frustration creeps in etcetera,

Etcetera.

And this is a lighthearted example because even in these moments I,

Like you,

Need to be able to learn how to come back to my center and get grounded and kind of disidentify with my stories about the situation and how I should be doing something else.

And I come back into the present moment and with that,

In doing that,

There's a sense of oh,

I got this,

This actually isn't a problem.

I can handle this.

I don't need to believe everything my mind is telling me.

I mean you get the picture.

When we are able to have that sweet spot come back into presence and groundedness and centeredness all of a sudden there's a sense of spaciousness that opens up and we don't need our conditions to change.

We don't need to do something different.

We don't need other people to do something different.

We just learn how to be okay with the conditions as they are.

This is why it's such a valuable tool.

Another example we can all relate to is when we're in relation with someone and that person is getting frustrated and angry or triggered in some way and when we allow their intense emotions to also trigger us and now we get defensive and we get upset,

Then as you know it's all over.

Everybody loses.

There's no coming back from that.

The conflict isn't going to get resolved until people calm down,

Etc.

,

Etc.

But when you are able to find that sweet spot and stay grounded and centered in the midst of their difficult emotions,

In the midst of their tantrum,

Or in the midst of their overwhelm,

Then you are actually modeling the ability to be calm.

We say you are actually lending them your frontal lobe,

Which is the part of our brain that is responsible for executive functioning and processing difficulties,

Processing information,

Remaining calm,

Staying composed.

So you're lending them your frontal lobe and you're modeling for them that it's possible to stay calm even in a difficult moment.

And then the conflict has a chance to get resolved because you're not getting sucked into that drama,

You're not getting sucked into that intensity.

You're able to stay in that spaciousness,

That sweet spot,

And that's what this module is all about.

So keep on listening,

Man,

And let's do this.

Module number two,

Find your sweet spot.

Let's do module number two.

I'm excited to talk about finding your sweet spot today.

This means knowing how to get grounded,

Centered,

And calm enough to make wise and skillful choices in difficult moments.

This is a huge module because it lays the foundation for your well-being moving forward.

If you are struggling with acting or speaking impulsively,

Or you say things that you later regret,

Or if you struggle with frustration tolerance,

That means you get frustrated quickly,

Or anger management,

You're easy to become angry,

Or if you're judgmental of others or yourself,

Or you often compare yourself to others,

This class is for you.

This class is huge because in doing some of these practices,

Our shit comes up.

Meditation isn't just about calm and peaceful.

It's about getting in touch with what thoughts and beliefs you have that are contributing to your impulsive reactions,

To your frustration,

To your anger.

And in doing so,

In getting in touch with these beliefs,

These core feelings,

We learn how to process them and work through them in healthier ways so that they no longer fuck us up,

So that they no longer get in the way of our daily living.

So put a little bit more simply,

This class is about learning the difference between responding versus reacting.

The reaction is your old habitual habit of reacting to things and people and situations and yourself,

So it's impulsive,

It's instinctual,

There's no thought put into it,

It's often defensive,

And at this point it's probably a little bit unhealthy.

The response is much more wise and skillful.

It's a new response.

It's not your old habit.

It's not impulsive.

It takes a pause or two or three,

A breath or two or three,

And your response is in alignment with your values.

If your values are community or love or connection,

You can choose that response.

And we know sometimes the wisest response is no response at all.

Or you take an hour or a day before replying to the email in a defensive way.

That's a skillful response instead of the immediate reaction and sending off that email that just causes more conflict.

But just knowing the difference between responding and reacting isn't enough.

You need to know how to do that.

And that's what we're going to get into today.

First I'll just tell you what doesn't work.

When you're acting out your irritation or anger,

Or you're acting out your judgment in unhealthy ways,

This is a reaction and this is due to impulse control or lack thereof,

Or being defensive,

Feeling like you have to defend yourself and defend your precious ego,

And feeling separate from others,

Not cultivating or not being aware of the connection that you have with someone or we all have.

Learning how to respond instead of react takes a little practice.

And the way we practice,

One of the ways is with meditation.

And I'm going to play a guided meditation in a few minutes taught by one of my teachers.

Her name is Maureen and she's a pretty amazing Dharma teacher and psychotherapist herself.

And in this meditation,

I think it's about 10 minutes long,

She will guide you toward finding your sweet spot,

Or what she often calls your essence.

And this is that part of you that is like stillness.

So in the midst of crazy weather,

In the midst of crazy conflict in your day,

This sweet spot is like being a strong,

Sturdy mountain amidst a crazy thunderstorm or some insane weather.

The mountain doesn't care,

It just lets it pass.

Or maybe it doesn't care isn't the best way to say it,

But it doesn't get toppled over.

It doesn't get blown over by the weather.

It knows how to stay sturdy,

Level-headed,

And grounded in the midst of turbulence.

Or you can think of essence or your sweet spot as being in the ocean,

But underneath,

Kind of deep down in the water,

Where there's some quiet and silence,

And you can look up and you still see the sunlight and you can still see the waves,

You can look up and see the sunlight and you can still see the waves coming down and thrashing all around.

Maybe it's a windy,

Choppy surface of the ocean or a lake,

But the stillness and the quiet is underneath and not getting thrown about by those waves,

By the choppy weather.

Your essence is there.

So keep that in mind as you listen to her meditation and keep in mind that what comes up for you as you practice this meditation,

If you're not able to access that sweet spot or that stillness or that essence,

That doesn't mean it's not there.

It doesn't mean it's not available to you.

It means that there's resistance coming up.

Maybe it's doubt,

Like what the hell is this meditation?

This is bullshit.

Maybe it's boredom.

How much longer do I have to sit through this?

Maybe it's skepticism,

Not believing that this will have any real impact on you or your life.

So whatever comes up,

It's okay.

We want to notice that and that resistance is the very thing,

That beautifully wonderful thing that meditation guides us to.

That's what needs to be worked through and that resistance might indeed be the very thing that's impacting your life in negative ways.

And that's the beauty of meditation is we sit down to try to get quiet and still and more often than not that doesn't happen.

What happens instead is the monkey mind interferes so we notice where our thoughts are going or we experience difficult feelings because we're finally sitting down in quiet and stillness instead of distracting ourselves or avoiding difficult feelings.

And so when we sit down in meditation,

Our shit comes up.

And I was going to get into this later,

But this is a common myth about meditation.

People think we meditate to get all peaceful and calm and zen and that's fine.

Sometimes that happens and that's great.

That's a nice byproduct of meditation.

But why we really meditate is to get in touch with our shit.

When we sit down and we stop looking at the TV and stop shopping online and we quit drinking and we quit exercising and we quit distracting ourselves,

Our shit comes up.

That's the resistance and that's a good thing.

That's what we need to learn how to work with.

And when we learn how to work through that resistance,

That's when our life shifts.

That's when we change.

Carl Rogers said,

The carious paradox is when I can accept myself just as I am,

Then I can change.

So we have to learn how to accept these parts of ourselves that we don't want to accept,

That we don't want to acknowledge,

These feelings that we don't want to accept,

That we want to avoid.

And that's why meditation is such a kick ass tool.

So allow yourself to be open minded,

Listen to her guided meditation,

Recognize she's trying to guide you towards your sweet spot,

Towards your essence.

I don't think it's a perfect meditation,

Sorry Maureen,

I'm sure she won't mind me saying that and none of my guided meditations are perfect either.

And that's okay,

How are you with imperfection?

Are you judging it like I just did?

What commentary is coming up and can you allow it just to be what it is?

Which is the purpose of meditation,

Learning how to be with whatever comes up.

So let's have a listen.

And let yourself get comfortable.

And begin by just breathing out any tension you're noticing.

Again,

It may be physical tension.

You might notice tightness or pain.

There may be bracing.

Or you may have a lot of energy in the body.

And we can allow it to be there.

And then gently release it with your out breath.

Just breathing it out,

No problem.

You may notice mental tension,

Racing thoughts or stressful thoughts.

Or maybe your brain feels pinched.

And again,

It's okay that it's here,

Conditions are such.

But we can gently release it with our out breath.

You may notice emotional tension.

Your heart hurts.

Or you feel sadness or fear.

It's okay.

We simply allow it and gently release it with the out breath.

No need to hold onto it.

And it's okay if the same tension comes back again and again.

No problem,

That just means it's a little sticky.

There's always one more breath.

So we just relax and breathe it out gently.

And if our mind is very disrupted,

This may be all that we do.

It's a wonderful way to settle the mind.

But if you find yourself beginning to release and relax,

Allow yourself to notice the space at the end of the out breath,

But before the next tension comes into focus.

Just notice what's left at the end of the out breath.

Some people notice it as emptiness or stillness or space or quiet energy.

Sometimes people notice peace.

However you notice it,

Allow yourself to begin breathing into it,

Allowing it to get as big as it wants.

There's no special size.

Doesn't matter if it's as big as a dime or the whole room.

Each time it's different.

But just letting it grow on its own.

Breathing into it and noticing the peace.

And if you're inclined,

Allow yourself to become it.

Let go of me.

All the stories.

Let go of your body and let the quiet energy be your body.

So it's as if this quiet energy or quiet space is breathing.

I'm remembering this part of me.

Totally normal and ordinary.

Still aware of the room.

Still aware of sound.

Quiet energy breathing.

A field of awareness.

Still noticing the world.

And present.

So thank you,

Maureen,

For allowing me to share that.

You may have noticed what she was guiding you to was that sense of spaciousness,

That sense of stillness where you're disidentified from your stories,

From the monkey mind.

You're not reactive.

You're just in a place of spacious,

Open observation.

Yes,

Thinking comes in and you notice that.

Feelings are a part of it and that's noticed too.

Simply noticed.

But remaining in that grounded,

Calm essence.

That sense of spaciousness.

That sense of openness.

That bare attention where you're observing,

Mindfully observing what's happening and not reactive to it.

And that's the skill.

That's why we practice this meditation so we can implement that skill in those challenging moments in our lives.

Mark Epstein,

He wrote the book,

Thoughts Without a Thinker.

And if you're a meditation teacher or if you want to get more experienced with meditation,

And especially if you're a psychotherapist or a psychologist,

If you haven't read this book,

You need to.

And he says,

And this speaks to what I was referring to earlier when I was talking about what comes up is exactly what needs to be processed and learned how to work through so that we can start feeling better and living healthier lives instead of having these buried feelings and issues manifesting in ways that we don't expect and that end up hurting us.

He says,

Meditation can indisputably frame an area in need of therapeutic attention.

So what does that mean?

It says what comes up when you meditate?

That's the shit that we need to talk about in therapy.

Those difficult feelings,

That skepticism,

That judgment,

That boredom,

That critical voice,

That anger,

That sadness,

That confusion.

Yeah,

That's what we need to work with.

That's what you need to work with.

So Buddhist psychology and Buddhism,

As it relates to meditation,

Mark Epstein says,

It is a fundamental tenant of Buddhist thought that before emptiness of self can be realized,

The self must be experienced fully as it appears.

That means we must learn how to have enough awareness and enough emotional space to hold the shit that comes up in meditation.

When we can integrate that instead of avoid it,

That's an element of well-being and mental health.

When the attention is trained on the emotion that comes up,

And in particular on the bodily experience of that emotion,

It gradually ceases to be experienced as a static and threatening entity.

It becomes less scary,

Less of a monster,

Less of something we need to avoid.

And instead,

It becomes a process that we can work with.

That was Mark Epstein as well.

So meditation teaches us how to pay attention.

These emotions that come up are the emotions that we repeat.

They are the emotions that we are most identified with and least aware of.

When I say they are the emotions that we repeat,

I mean these are the emotions that come up in your day-to-day life,

In your relationships,

With your colleagues,

With your boss,

With your significant other,

With your children.

These are the emotions that we repeat and that we are most identified with and least aware of.

They are what we resist knowing in ourselves and are what we are most in need of applying bare attention to.

Bare attention meaning observation in meditation or a mindfulness practice.

Observation without needing to act on that emotion,

Without having to act it out.

Observing it,

Kind of like we talked about with Jordan Peterson,

Observing it like a snake observes,

Not needing preferences or desires to interfere,

Not having to act it out,

Observing it with bare attention and recognizing this is my shit.

This is my shit.

This is not you being responsible for making me angry or making me feel bad.

This is me needing to take a look at myself.

We need to be able to experience our feelings without acting them out.

Doesn't that make a shitload of sense?

We need to be able to experience our feelings without acting them out.

I mean it's so simple and obvious yet that's all we ever do is we have a feeling and we act it out.

So simple and yet so difficult to change and that's why you're here by the way because you're ready and willing to change.

Good job.

Good fucking job.

So I'm going to wrap this module up with what I call the 90 second pit stop.

This is the 90 second pit stop and this can be used anytime during your day.

Anytime something difficult or challenging comes up that you need some help processing or working through.

And so it's broken up into thirds.

The first 30 seconds is about getting grounded and getting centered.

That means okay I'm frustrated,

I'm angry,

I'm sad,

I'm getting overwhelmed.

I need to take the 90 second pit stop.

My body,

My heart rate is elevated,

My palms are sweating,

My jaw is clenched,

My shoulders are tight.

Whatever your body is telling you,

Whatever signals your body is giving you,

Pay attention to.

That's your cue to start the 90 second pit stop.

Okay the first 30 seconds,

Get grounded and centered.

What does that mean?

That means notice gravity doing what gravity does.

So if you're sitting down,

Notice your butt touching the chair.

Notice the feeling of your butt making contact with the chair.

Notice the feeling of your feet on the floor,

On the ground.

Notice your hands touching your lap.

You can even get refined and notice the sensation of your clothes touching your skin or maybe the feeling of your glasses on your nose and your ears.

This is gravity at work.

And by bringing your awareness into gravity,

You're getting out of the monkey mind a little bit,

You're getting into the body,

You're getting grounded,

You're getting centered.

And that's the first step to working with difficulty and challenges like anxiety or difficult emotions.

The second 30 seconds,

Breath work.

Take a deep inhale and an even deeper exhale.

Do that three or five or ten times for at least 30 seconds.

Long inhales but even longer,

More exaggerated exhales.

This is getting out of the fight or flight mode and into rest and digest.

This is tricking the nervous system from getting out of fight or flight because who breathes like this if there's actually danger.

Those long exaggerated exhales gets the nervous system back online.

And then the last 30 seconds,

Set some intentions,

Engage in some nurturing self-talk.

How do I want to deal with this?

Okay,

This is just anxiety.

I've dealt with anxiety before,

I can do it again.

Or I know this sucks but keep going,

You can do this,

I've done it before.

Or however you might talk to your best friend who was dealing with a similar situation or an identical situation to this one,

Practice some self-talk to yourself in a way that you would talk to your best friend.

I hear you,

I know this sucks but you're okay,

This is normal.

This is just difficulty at work,

This is just a challenging personal relationship,

This is just you being hard on yourself.

You're okay,

You can do this and set an intention of how you want to go through the rest of your day that is in aligned with self-care,

With your values,

With taking care of yourself.

Okay everybody,

That's gonna wrap up the sweet spot module.

Please practice this a little bit,

If not a lot,

This can be a life-changing tool.

If you meditate every morning for 10,

15,

20 minutes like I have since 2011,

You will slowly and gradually and surely notice,

You will notice life-changing perspectives,

You will notice a change in your life,

A change in how you look at the world,

A change in how you relate to yourself,

A change in how you relate to others.

Instead of being separate and defensive and angry and frustrated,

It's really possible to shift towards connection,

Compassion,

Forgiveness,

Non-judgment,

Playfulness.

If you play with meditation and these mindfulness practices consistently,

I'm 100% sure your life will change for the better.

I'm so happy you're part of this community,

I'm hoping you're benefiting from these modules.

Thank you so much for being part of Lunch Break Therapy,

You're amazing,

You're a valued member of this community,

And I will see you soon.

Reviews

Thank you for sharing this. It enforced to me that change is a process, taking time and repetition. I will listen again and practice as I embody these practices. Namaste.