Authenticity Versus Inauthenticity (Impression Management)

We have a baked-in impulse to appear a certain way when interacting with others. Especially if we suffered developmental trauma and adverse childhood experiences. Becoming disconnected from our authenticity, and acting in ways to appear favorably to others (managing impressions) was an adaptive, protective response, but now has downsides that impact our self-image and our relationships with others.

Learn to notice ego, disidentify from it, and act from your original blueprint of vulnerability, authenticity, and love.

Transcript

Hi,

This is Robert and thank you for your support.

I'd like to share some thoughts on Authenticity vs.

Inauthenticity or Impression Management.

At times we all default to striving to control how we are perceived by others.

Typically the striving is behaving in a way that comes across,

Or so we'd like to think,

Favorably.

It's a habit of presenting a version of ourself that leaves a positive impression on others.

This is often the idealized version we have of ourselves.

Some might even call this the ego,

The stories and narratives about who we think we are or should be.

This habit is deeply wired and even subconscious.

What's interesting is that in actuality,

Love and authenticity are the default or the blueprint we are born with.

Impression management is the result of trauma imprints that accumulate over one's life.

It happens to all of us,

Little or not so little moments when we feel confused,

Hurt,

Uninformed,

Lacking,

Incompetent or afraid.

We fear that acknowledging the felt sense of these things would make us look or feel small.

So we adapt by editing ourselves,

Our appearance,

Our words,

Demeanor and how we interact.

The belief is we must appear aligned with how we believe ourselves to be,

So we manage behavior and appearance to get a favorable impression.

When speaking with clients,

I'm often reminded of Mary Stankiewicz's heart Dharma talk on the undefended heart.

The undefended heart,

In essence,

It's letting go of who I think I should be in order to be who I really am.

Again,

Her name is Mary Stankiewicz and I once listened to her Dharma talk called The Undefended Heart,

Which is letting go of who I think I should be in order to be who I really am.

I know for me,

Setting this as a daily intention as part of my morning meditation has been life changing.

Impression management can consist of omissions,

So leaving out information we think the others won't like about us.

Faking well,

Oh I'm fine thanks.

Smiling or laughing when something isn't funny.

Saying yes when we ought to be saying no.

Creating the impression that we are someone that we are not.

Not skilled in separating ego,

Stories and beliefs that form the identity.

Versus truth,

Vulnerable authenticity.

To some degree,

This is a necessary part of functioning and surviving in this world.

At its most harmless,

It might consist of saying I'm fine when someone asks you how you're doing,

Even though you might not be fine.

This is habitual and ingrained within us.

However,

It is a form of impression management,

Wanting to appear a certain way.

It's safe to say what people post on social media is another way of managing impressions.

It's always the image of us looking our best or doing the coolest things.

One downside of this is conditioning yourself to believe you're only likable if you present yourself in these very specific ways.

People pleasing can be part of this dynamic.

We do this of course because we are hardwired from birth to connect with others.

When we are upset as infants,

We can only be soothed.

Our little nervous systems can only get regulated by another being,

The parent.

We then had to learn how to adapt to our parents temperaments in order to be accepted in the home.

So what happens when you adapt?

You relinquish or stifle your authenticity.

You disconnect from certain real parts of yourself or real feelings because parents couldn't accept these parts.

They were too busy.

They were too stressed.

They had their own trauma.

So they weren't there to regulate you.

So you internalize the necessity,

The need to adapt,

To stifle your authenticity,

To disconnect from certain real parts of yourself.

So this is the moving away from the authentic blueprint of authenticity and love and shifting toward this traumatic imprint,

One which we align with as adults because the message we internalized was our original essence wasn't good enough or so it felt.

These are what we call attachment wounds.

Just like our ancestors,

We too need to be and feel approved of,

Accepted,

And feel connected to the tribe or family otherwise risk being cast out,

Judged,

Criticized,

And leaving one to fend for themselves.

This is the origin of our wiring today and why we deeply fear rejection,

Judgment,

And criticism.

Thus we have adapted to this fear with the impulse to appear certain ways as likable,

Put together,

Intelligent,

Attractive,

And competent.

In her poem,

Wild Geese,

Mary Oliver says,

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Tell me about despair,

Yours,

And I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile,

The world goes on.

Another downside to not disclosing the truth about our inner experience is the shadow self remains unintegrated.

We remain unwhole.

Without disclosing the truth about our felt experience,

We don't feel connection and emotions don't get felt and or regulated.

By opening up authentically,

Our experience that we once felt needed to be hidden now gets normalized by another and accepted.

When we don't open up,

We solidify this core shame,

A poor sense of self,

And that feeling of unlovability persists and grows.

That feeling of incompetence or not measuring up or imposter syndrome persists and grows.

We feel empty,

We feel anxious socially,

And we become frightened that someone might see or discover the real parts of us that we believe must be kept secret.

We don't even think of it in these terms or recognize it in this way.

It's more like a felt sense in the moment that gets acted out with a defense mechanism.

When we are not truly seen by others,

The sense of core shame doesn't diminish.

When we are not truly seen by others,

Our emotions don't get felt and worked through.

When we are not truly seen by others,

We harden that belief that something is wrong with us.

When we are not truly seen by others,

We feel anxious,

Depressed,

Or unworthy.

Our shadow parts go unseen,

Unacknowledged,

And unloved,

And we believe that we don't measure up.

Mental health is about integration and wholeness.

To integrate and become whole,

We have to befriend these parts and become aware of this impulse to manage impressions.

In order to be truly seen,

All that scary transparency and vulnerability must be felt.

The corrective experience happens when you allow your truth to be seen,

And then you feel seen and accepted by another.

You learn that it's okay to allow yourself to be seen.

To allow yourself to be seen.

Nervous system states dictate how we react in certain situations.

In fact,

One could argue that unless we are currently in the safe and social state of the nervous system,

That regulated state,

Free will doesn't exist at all.

Would we really make the same choices when we are dysregulated,

In fight or flight mode?

Than we would if we felt totally psychologically and emotionally safe?

This is where the importance of understanding the nervous system and being able to track it and regulate it is important.

Carl Rogers said,

The curious paradox is the more I accept myself,

Just as I am,

The more I can change.

I've always loved this notion.

We are not a constant self-improvement project.

You are not your mask.

Our true being is lovable,

Authentic,

And present.

Can we practice coming back to this over and over again and leaning into accepting all of our parts?

Matthew Brinsilver says,

Clinging to an autobiography or a view of oneself is very fertile ground for suffering.

Clinging always obstructs love.

He also said,

The hallmark of ego is defensiveness.

When we claim territory,

We become territorial.

Authenticity versus inauthenticity is noticing ego and then learning to set it down.

So now that this talk is mostly finished,

Before rushing on to the next thing,

I'd like to invite you to slow down and check in with yourself.

Even slower now and tune into your body.

How do you know you have a body?

What do you notice both within and the immediate space around?

How's your breath and where do you notice it?

How does it feel to stop doing and just be?

Can you find a sense of ease or safety anywhere?

If so,

Can you tune into it and marinate in it?

Let your awareness linger there.

Now,

Where might your unintegrated parts reside in this body?

Your fear,

Your shame,

Your impulse to appear a certain way.

Can it be located?

I invite you to be curious about this and remain curious and incorporate this practice of checking in with yourself consistently.

Especially when that impulse to manage an impression arises,

What do you notice in that moment?

Can you find your way back to that safety anchor and act from there?

Can you set an intention each day to work with that impulse in a more wise,

Skillful and compassionate way?

Something like,

It makes sense that my protective parts resort to impression management.

This is the practice of validation,

Self-compassion and befriending.

The intention might sound like,

Today may I notice all the subtle and sneaky ways and even the more obvious ways that I attempt to manage an impression.

May I incorporate a sacred pause in that moment and inquire,

What am I noticing?

What is it that I feel needs hiding,

Covered over,

Exaggerated,

Left out or edited?

Can I come back to my body,

My authentic self?

The ego and impression management come from the head and mind,

Whereas the blueprint and softened authenticity come from the body.

Can you connect to your shame,

Your fear,

Your need to be seen and understood?

Validate it all.

Can you tune in to your vulnerability?

Can you connect to your shame,

Your fear,

Your need to be seen and understood?

Validate it all.

Can you tune in to your vulnerability and authenticity and then act from that place?

You are your joy.

You are your dark secret.

You are your spontaneity.

You are your skeleton in the closet.

You are your playfulness.

You are your shame.

You are your beauty.

You are your pain.

You are your tenderness.

You are your fear.

Can you connect with it all?

Make room for it all?

Let it all be seen.

This is integration.

This is wholeness.

This is you being loved for you.

Thank you for listening.

Reviews

Nameste 🙏

Oh my goodness,..I hear you and your wisdom and teachings in this talk resonate very deeply with me. A wonderful talk and your insight,
presentation very nurturing, gentle…I am Grateful …🙏🏻♥️

Just wonderful

Wonderful concepts, thank you for sharing.

My one critique is the part at the end when you spoke about integration, which I am in the process of during my own shadow work. I don’t like the phrase “you are your fear” - that seems counter-productive for those of us whose survival centers are searing with internal pain. Something like “you dont have to force your fear away” sounds gentler and is still in-line with shadow integration.

Thank you for hearing me 🙏

Lovely thanks

Great knowledge and information thank you for sharing ✨🙏🏼

Very practical and very real questions that got me thinking. Feeling the deeper settling down of the body as I connect more to my soul rather than my thoughts, beliefs, perception and ego. Thank you for the work and energy you are putting out to the world. 🙏🏻

Excellent practice. It resonated with me. Thank you 🙏