3 Little Nuggets For More Authentic & Intimate Relationships

This is a short, 10-minutes audio reading/ teaching that covers 3 little nuggets for more intimate, authentic connections. These are three simple Buddhism-based practices one can begin today that can lead to more authenticity, vulnerability, and understanding in personal relationships.

Transcript

Hello everyone.

I want to share with you three little nuggets for more authentic and intimate relationships.

So I know it's sometimes frustrating with how difficult it is to meet genuine real people,

Or how elusive intimate relationships seem to be.

So if you're familiar with this,

Or if you're just curious about how to connect with others in more authentic ways,

Keep reading.

There's three hopefully helpful little nuggets just for you.

So wherever you live,

Making genuine connections is often not that easy.

It's also usually not as simple as joining a meetup group,

Dabbling in online dating,

Taking a class,

Or just putting yourself out there.

The Dalai Lama has said,

In order to change conditions outside ourselves,

We must first change within ourselves.

This means addressing some of our core conditioning and habits that impact how we're relating,

Or not relating,

As the case may be,

With others.

So let's take a look at three things you can work on to improve your chance of making meaningful connections.

The first practice,

Instead of trying to get people to understand you,

Practice trying to understand them first.

Meaning,

Trying to understand them on a deeper level.

So often,

When someone is speaking,

We are rehearsing our response,

Instead of truly listening with the intent to understand.

Understanding their intention underneath their words or actions is the key.

For example,

Someone might be frustrated or angry with you,

And of course a common reaction is to take it personally,

Or get offended,

Or defensive.

However,

Underneath frustration,

Their frustration or anger is often hurt or fear.

We have been conditioned to accept anger or frustration as okay,

But pain or hurt or fear is kind of not okay.

We've been taught that pain and fear are a weakness,

And therefore it doesn't feel safe to express these difficult emotions.

So,

In all likelihood,

When someone is frustrated or angry with you,

It might just be fear or pain disguised.

So when someone acts or speaks in ways that you don't like or expect,

Practice not taking it personally,

And instead listen deeply to understand the root of their experience.

Or ask them about the root,

What's really going on.

When you do,

They will feel understood and seen,

Which is all any of us really want.

Think about the last time you have felt an authentic connection with someone.

It's because you felt they truly get you.

So instead of being a talker in hopes someone will understand you,

Play with being an active listener.

This entails deep listening with the intent to empathize and understand the deeper layer behind someone's words and behaviors.

So,

Nugget number two is a simple practice involved letting go.

If your tendency is to stew on things and let them fester,

Chances are you're walking around tense and frustrated because life almost never goes as we expect it to or hope it will.

Often,

Exactly what is not needed is to overthink an uncomfortable or disappointing situation,

Rehearsing what you should have or could have said or will say next time.

The Buddha said that anger is like picking up a hot stone to throw at someone,

But you're the one who gets burned.

Lamenting,

Resenting,

And clinging to someone's words or actions often leads to you being the one who suffers.

Sometimes this simple phrase can be helpful.

Is this worth my peace?

Is this worth my peace of mind?

If you practice this question,

You'll find that probably more often than not,

The answer is no,

It's not worth my peace.

Try playing with this phrase and see if it works for you.

Number three,

This might be the most difficult but also the most rewarding,

Playing with being vulnerable.

So first,

Let's get clear on what vulnerability is and isn't.

Contrary to what we've been taught,

It's the opposite of weakness.

Depending on your upbringing,

Many people have been taught to see vulnerability as a weakness or a flaw.

The truth is it takes strength and courage to be vulnerable.

So what does that mean to be vulnerable?

If you're not familiar with Brene Brown,

You might want to be.

She defines vulnerability as number one,

Uncertainty,

Number two,

Risk,

And number three,

Emotional exposure.

Scary,

Right?

Why on earth would anyone choose to be vulnerable?

Well,

The answer is,

As you know,

The most meaningful relationships you've had were with those people who accepted your vulnerabilities and valued your willingness to share them.

Remember those moments when you truly connected with someone in an intimate and special way?

Chances are it was because one or both of you were willing to be super real and share a part of you that felt risky to share.

Uncertain how the other might react,

Possibly with rejection,

But you chose to share anyway despite feeling emotionally exposed.

As often,

As is often the case,

When someone opens up to us in a vulnerable way,

We sense their tender,

Raw humanity,

And we feel closer to them because we can relate to that scary feeling of allowing someone to see our true self.

For me personally,

One of the best intentions I've ever heard and the one that I use almost daily,

And I think this may be from Brene Brown,

But I'm not sure,

The intention every morning for me is,

May I let go of who I think I should be in order to be who I really am.

I think that's so powerful,

And when I set that intention in the morning,

Something happens within me I just soften a little bit,

And I just feel like it's okay to not know all the answers.

It's okay to just be me.

May I let go of who I think I should be in order to be who I really am.

So practicing this intention is one way you can play with being vulnerable.

It won't always be easy,

And that's okay.

And also,

It's always wise to remember there's a time and a place for vulnerability,

Right?

So that means sometimes it's also wise to keep appropriate boundaries.

So being vulnerable also includes asking for help or telling someone when we're not okay,

And even being okay with not being okay.

So the three little nuggets that I hope you benefited from today,

Or I hope you will benefit from as you practice or keep these in mind,

Moving through your day and the future,

These are deep listening,

Letting go,

In other words,

Is this worth my peace,

And being vulnerable.

When we practice these three things,

We can learn how to soften and relax into the moment and in the presence of others.

This increases the chances of connecting with others on deeper,

More intimate levels.

Thank you for listening.

My name is Robert Oluskiewicz.

I'm a licensed psychotherapist.

I have a link tree,

Internet link on this profile,

On Insight Timer.

If you want to click on that,

That'll take you to some of my pages and stuff.

Thanks for listening.

See you next time.

Reviews

This was everything I needed to hear in this moment. Thank you

Disarmingly frank and accessible talk that IMO really gets at the fundamental misperceptions I have that block my intimacy with others. So happy to have found this talk and this teacher 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Thank you, Robert. Really need to work on the deep listening. I appreciate you sharing these 3 nuggets.

Awesome! Just what I needed. 🙏 I need to practice more of this and want to

This is exactly what I’ve been trying to convey in so many scenarios throughout my life but could never find the right words... that’s because YOU had them! Lol
thank you so much for this!
I hope it helps others as much as I know it’ll help me! 🙏 😊