Talk: Nonviolent Communication (NVC) ~ Language Of The Heart

In this talk, I'm taking you through the core characteristics and consciousness of Nonviolent Communication (NVC).

Brought into the world by Marshall B. Rosenberg in his quest to answer where violence and alienation come from, NVC is an approach to human interaction that centers around clarity, honesty, and compassionate cooperation, and uses universal human needs as its pivotal starting point.

If you'd like to learn more about the practice, the attunement, the skills, and the awareness of NVC, have a look at my courses on InsightTimer--I'm also always happy to address any questions.

sound: Samuel F. Johanns
image: Getty

Transcript

A very warm welcome.

In this session I'm going to be giving you an introduction to non-violent communication.

It is not possible to capture the complete essence of NVC in one session on Insight Timer.

But what I'm trying to give you here is the essence,

Some of the main modalities,

Functions and understandings of NVC.

So what is NVC?

I'll be using the word NVC for non-violent communication.

Well let's start the mood and I'm going to do this by giving you two quotes by Marshall B.

Rosenberg who created non-violent communication.

Probably the most well-known quote by Marshall is the following.

Every criticism,

Judgment,

Diagnosis and expression of anger is a tragic expression of an unmet need.

And a second quote that I like as well here,

Also from Marshall.

As we've seen,

All criticism,

Attack,

Insults and judgments vanish when we focus attention on hearing the feelings and needs behind a message.

The more we practice in this way,

The more we realize a simple truth.

Behind all those messages we've allowed ourselves to be intimidated by,

Are just individuals with unmet needs appealing to us to contribute to their well-being.

When we receive messages with this awareness,

We never feel dehumanized by what others have to say to us.

We only feel dehumanized when we get trapped in a derogatory image of other people or thoughts of wrongness about ourself.

End quote.

Just to add one more quote that just kind of comes up to me in the moment.

You know,

It becomes even more poignant when you understand what Marshall meant when he said.

The messages I find most difficult to hear are coming from people in the most pain.

And that is when they actually need to be heard the most.

So you see,

That's the end of the quote.

You see this dynamic here of.

It can be so tragic.

You know,

I can just think of my own life when I am maybe in pain and I lash out to my partner.

I want so much to be seen in my pain,

But it's so tragic when instead of telling her about my pain and expressing my feelings and needs,

If I instead of that act out of that pain.

And then it's tragic,

Right?

Because I will never get my needs met.

I'll probably have some very vulnerable needs for safety,

Belonging and to be understood.

So this is kind of the paradigm shift that Marshall wants us to understand.

Because Marshall Rosenberg created nonviolent communication because he wanted to understand what causes violence.

He grew up in Detroit and he saw a lot of racial gang violence and was very upset by that.

And that actually was the impetus for his lifelong study into this field.

What creates violence?

And one thing that he found was that the way we speak or think is the thing that can either lead to connection or to violence.

And violence is more likely when we think in terms of right and wrong,

When we use labels and judgments and analyses and diagnoses,

You know,

These mental categorizations.

In other words,

When we put ourselves on the seat of the judge and start labeling people and their actions as right or wrong or good and bad,

Deserving punishment or reward,

That's the kind of thinking that Marshall Rosenberg found is typically not helpful.

It's more likely to lead to violence precisely because this thinking in terms of right and wrong is so closely related in our brain to this paradigm of reward and punishment.

The idea creeps into our brain that we are enemies rather than fellow humans.

And to keep remembering that we are indeed fellow humans,

According to Marshall,

It helps a lot to see that we all have the same needs.

And those needs are what drive all of our behaviors,

Even tragic ones.

And so Marshall tells us,

Connection is more likely if we seek to understand the needs we are all always trying to meet.

And this works because even if,

Let's say for instance,

Someone says something mean to me,

If I have the space to recognize and remember that you might for instance be wanting … this person might be wanting to meet a need for recognition,

Right?

I can resonate at least with that wish.

Though I would call the attempt tragic because it actually doesn't likely meet the need for recognition that was the reason for this person to be mean to me.

And by the way,

NVC does not advocate to be defenseless and let people run over us or something,

That would clearly not meet our needs for,

I don't know,

Dignity,

Safety.

But rather,

The core message to get here is that when we can connect on that frequency of needs,

That motivational force we all have,

In that layer,

There is never any conflict because we all share those needs.

So however unfortunate our actions may be,

The needs are always quote-unquote beautiful.

That's why Marshall always says we're meeting our beautiful needs.

And also that's why the next session is called Dwelling in the Beauty of the Need.

You can divide NVC up into two main parts as I see it.

There's this inner work part,

Where we can grow more self-compassion and get more clear about what's happening between human beings and this is incredibly liberating in my experience and clarifying.

And then there's also the wider project of societal transformation.

The practice itself,

However,

Is usually the same in the sense that NVC is practiced as a range of,

Let's say,

Conversational techniques.

So on the surface level,

I always say NVC consists of a range of techniques that at depth are a reflection of a deeper underlying consciousness.

And this deeper underlying consciousness of NVC is an intention to see humanity in the other and to relate to each other with honesty,

Authenticity,

Compassion and clarity.

That is what I see as the essence of NVC.

And it has some very helpful tools.

For instance,

A very important tool,

Maybe you could say the core tool of NVC,

Of the toolkit,

Is this thing known as the four-step process or the four components.

And just to keep it a little bit short here,

Let me explain what are the four components.

The four steps are observations,

Feelings,

Needs and requests.

And this becomes especially interesting if there's a trigger or maybe there's an emotionally sensitive situation and,

You know,

In those situations we tend to be a little bit unclear.

And so the four-step model is a toolkit to help us tease apart situations with sensitivity or trigger or conflict and get more clear.

I sometimes call it a microscope,

Not for space,

But for time.

We can kind of zoom into a moment that was difficult and all the things happening at the same time then become more clear as we kind of tease them apart.

So that's what the four-step model can do.

So I named that the four steps are,

Or the four components,

Observations,

Feelings,

Needs and requests.

I want to just talk a bit about the first three steps,

Observations,

Feelings and needs.

You know,

So if there's maybe a trigger situation or a conflict,

It can be very important to get clear on the observation of what is actually going on or what happened.

And this is trickier than some of us might think because we often have interpretations that are interlaced about what happened that are not exactly observations.

Krishnamurti famously said that the highest form of human intelligence is the ability to observe without judgment.

And that becomes very clear when you ever get to do a practice of the four steps when you want to maybe journal about a trigger or something,

You can see that it can be really tricky to actually catch an observation.

So how do you do that?

Well,

To get clear on what an observation is,

The best way to do it or a very good way to do it is to just imagine a camera,

Right?

Like a movie camera filming the event that you are maybe triggered about or that the conflict is around.

And then if you take that thought experiment,

It becomes typically quite clear of what actually is the observation,

Right?

Because if somebody cuts me off in traffic,

I might think they are a very rude person and they're probably not very considerate or something like that.

Or even if I say they cut me off,

You know,

All those things will not actually be registered because even if you can notice that,

The sentence they cut me off is already an interpretation.

And why is that an interpretation?

Because the camera would not see something called cutting me off.

The camera would see something more like the car went from the left lane to the right lane,

I stepped on the brake,

I had a feeling,

Right,

Etc.

That is an observation,

But cutting me off is not an observation.

That already comes with this charge of I'm actually angry and I'm interpreting it as cutting me off.

Because the thing is,

This person might not have even seen me.

So to say they're cutting me off already implies a kind of relationality that is not actually there.

Or to say,

For instance,

Another example,

What would not be an observation,

Yeah,

Thomas is always late.

So is that really an observation?

Actually,

That would not be the case,

Right?

The observation would be more,

Thomas enters the office building on Monday and Tuesday and Friday,

He entered the office building at nine past the hour.

That's more like an observation.

But to say he's always late,

Do you hear the difference there?

It's already a bit of this charge of interpretation and emotion in it.

So that's the first step,

Observation,

Getting clear on what is actually the observation.

The second one is feelings.

What was I feeling?

What were you feeling?

And this is also,

Again,

There's another disambiguation to be made,

You know.

And this is from,

For instance,

Interpretations and also pseudo feelings.

If you say something like I'm violated or I'm manipulated,

You know,

All these kind of words that end with ed,

When we say I feel and then manipulate it,

It's not exactly a feeling,

It's more of an interpretation again.

The feeling is probably something like hurt or in pain or ashamed,

Right?

And so it's again to get clear on what story am I telling myself about my feelings and what are actually the bare sensations.

Also importantly,

I'm not saying that something that we call violation doesn't happen.

I'm not saying that at all.

This is more to just get clear about what is a little bit interpretation and what is more feeling.

And the reason why this is so important is that when we are able to see how our interpretations play a role in also creating our feelings,

We are taking more control,

We are stepping more into our power out of that clarity.

So this inner clarity gives a lot of power because we can become more agile and we can become more choiceful in our reactions.

That's why this is so important.

So those first two you could say,

Observations and feelings,

There are external observations,

Right,

What would the camera see,

And internal observations,

The feelings of what I was actually sensing in my body.

Something I might call tension or fear or pain or pleasure or joy or warmth,

You know,

Those are feelings and sensations.

The third one are needs,

The third step.

And I will say a little bit more about what are needs actually a little bit later.

They are central in NVC.

Again,

Connection happens when we are looking to understand the needs that we are coming from and that other people are coming from.

Understanding each other on the level of needs is connecting because we all share the same needs.

No matter what strategies we choose to meet those needs,

There's another disambiguation,

Strategies and needs,

No matter what actions we do in the world,

We all have the same needs.

Of course,

They are not always equally activated for individuals,

Right,

But we have the same needs generally.

And to illustrate this,

If I wear,

I don't know,

A nice shirt to feel a need for dignity,

You will most likely understand my need for dignity if I were to explain it to you.

You know,

I'm wearing this shirt because I want to have a sense of dignity,

But not everybody will resonate with the choice of wearing a nice shirt to meet that specific need.

And so then we say on the level of strategies,

Conflict can occur,

But on the level of needs,

There's never any conflict.

And that is the deep wisdom of NVC.

The four steps are combined as a tool to have more clarity about situations.

And this is what I wanted to capture here.

There are also other very beautiful and profound processes like the guilt process,

We use role play,

And also just the art of empathy is central in NVC.

And empathy means,

How am I actually able to listen well?

Or another way to say it,

Empathy is the ability to be with what is,

Without a change agenda.

So those,

You could say,

Are some tools at the surface,

Although they can work quite deeply.

And the core understanding is that everything anybody ever does,

We do to meet needs,

Beautiful needs.

The needs themselves are always beautiful.

The needs are also universal.

We all actually share the same needs.

Okay,

So what are needs?

I've been talking about needs all the time.

Well,

It's really nothing complex.

You may have heard,

For instance,

About the Maslow pyramid of needs,

Right?

There is this basic needs level of air,

Water,

Food,

Shelter,

Clothing.

Then there are the higher needs of meaning and spiritual growth.

And this is actually not different from the understanding of NVC and Marshall Rosenberg's model.

It's just that NVC identified more needs,

Such as a need for community,

Play,

Safety.

Well,

That's probably there already.

Connection,

To be heard,

To be seen.

You could actually list hundreds.

And the Center for Nonviolent Communication has identified,

I think at this point,

It's 75 basic universal human needs.

And so these needs,

They are motivational forces.

And again,

Everything anybody ever does,

We do to meet a need.

If I go out hunting,

Maybe a few thousand years ago,

I did it because I need food.

If I go to my job,

I do it because I want to care for my family.

I have this need for contribution and care.

If I scratch an itch,

It's because I want to ease and I want relaxation.

If I shower,

I have a need for maybe also relaxation.

Anything anybody ever does,

We do to meet needs.

And so,

Another way to look at that is that they are the why behind any what or how that we do.

Sometimes,

In a bit more mystical language,

I say that needs are also frequencies of my own being.

And what do I mean with that?

Well,

Meeting my needs is also kind of a self-meeting,

A self-recognition.

Let's take the need for safety.

Everybody has the need for safety,

Right?

It's a basic need.

If you're an organism on this planet,

You have a need for safety because you want to ultimately survive.

And we all also know this feeling when that need is met.

Our body will tell us,

Right?

That's how you can kind of recognize,

Oh yeah,

My need for safety is met.

You can even do that right now.

You can check with yourself,

How safe do you feel?

And you'll probably get an answer from your body because it's a thing you can know about yourself.

And so,

When my body tells me that my need for safety is met,

It's not that I can exactly point to something external and say,

Yeah,

See,

That's why my need is met.

You know,

In a way,

It is possible.

It's a strategy to meet my needs.

But the experience itself is more,

I call it also sometimes a bit of a meta-experience.

It's the sense I'm getting from my experience that will tell me my need is met,

You know?

Maybe just to make it a little bit more tangible,

I live in a house.

Maybe I live in a very violent country.

And I just built a 10 meter high fence around my house.

I can certainly say,

I can point at that fence and say,

That makes me feel safe.

So the fence is then a strategy for me to feel the need for safety being met.

But that experience of my need for safety being met,

Again,

Is not exactly something I can point to.

It's more of an inner quality of experience.

It's a kind of meta-experience or a gestalt experience.

And again,

If I have this need for dignity,

I can meet my need by wearing a nice shirt or speaking a certain way or behaving ethically or,

You know,

Being respectful to my parents.

So that's a very important thing to understand.

One,

That strategies are different ways to meet needs and they're kind of endless and different for everybody in a way.

And that we are never in conflict on the level of needs because that is something more of an almost abstract nature that we all can sense,

But it's not something we can argue over necessarily because we all share the need for dignity and safety.

So I want to shift gears a little bit.

One last thing I want to kind of share is how does that work in action?

How does NVC help me in my relationships?

And to illustrate that,

I will give you an example from my life.

Some people who may have heard courses or tracks before,

This is probably going to sound familiar,

But here it goes.

Some years ago,

I was with a previous partner of mine.

I was living in Amsterdam.

And in this anecdote,

She was standing quite close to me and she was speaking,

To my sense,

Quite loud.

She was complaining about something.

And I think just for kind of to sketch the situation,

Her face was probably something like 30 centimeters or one foot away from my face.

And I was just noticing,

And by the way,

This was before I had done any NVC yet,

But by some kind of grace,

I had a lot of inner clarity in that moment and I was just simply noticing that I was uncomfortable.

I didn't really enjoy the way she was speaking to me.

I didn't really enjoy the complaining and I didn't really enjoy the volume and the tempo at which she was speaking.

And this inner clarity really helped me to be able to speak to her without any sense of blame or trigger.

I just came to this clarity of,

Hey,

I'm not enjoying this.

And I also said that to her.

I said something like,

Hey,

I'm noticing I'm not really enjoying the way you're speaking.

Would you be willing to lower your voice a little bit?

And she completely,

Immediately,

Snapped out of whatever she was in.

And immediately after that,

The whole mood changed and we had a very pleasant evening.

I remember that to be a very significant experience for me and I think I will always remember that.

And the beautiful thing I find in that situation is that it's such a clear example of,

If I'm coming from this inner clarity and connection to my own needs and then I bring a request that comes from the connection to that need,

I will come with a kind of very assertive but very non-blaming energy.

It's a very present kind of energy.

And I use the word energy.

People feel that.

Maybe not everybody likes that word energy but you certainly probably know what I mean when you can kind of sense the vibe of somebody,

Right?

You feel that in your body if somebody's coming with a lot of blame or this kind of argumentative place versus when somebody's coming from this calm inner clarity and self-connection.

And that is what I find extremely powerful about this example.

And I see a strong connection with this kind of presence and coming from that awareness of needs and secure attachment.

Because a core element of being securely attached and manifesting that behavior is exactly that calm presence that comes from this self-connection.

And then of course making skillful requests is just kind of the cherry on top.

And the reason this works,

Again,

If I meet somebody who's blaming me I'm probably not so likely to want to help them meet their needs because it's annoying,

Right?

Or it can even be hurtful or I can even get angry.

But if somebody's speaking to me with just this kind of calm inner connection that more easily makes me want to help them because I can see the beauty in what they're doing and wanting easily.

And so this is kind of in a nutshell the energy,

The vibe,

The essence of NVC that I want you to get.

There's much more to say,

Right?

I'm at the moment of recording this giving an 11-part online interactive course and I'm just barely able to scratch the surface of NVC so this is really meant to be very concise.

If you do want a bit of a deeper dive there are many courses on Insight Timer that I've put out for you and you can also ask me any questions.

So thank you for being with me on this session.

That's it for now.

Reviews

Loved the overview, so informative, with that knowledge I’m ready to go deeper. 🙏Thank you !

Very interesting. I’ll listen to more of your NVC guides