Attachment Trauma | Nonviolent Ideal Parent Figure Protocol

The Ideal Parent Figure Protocol (IPFP) was developed by Dr. Dan Brown. It helps people shift towards a more secure attachment style. This is an extended, NVC-enriched version of my earlier IPFP track.

Know that it's not important to be able to visualize well. Feeling the connection to the situations & your needs is much more important than seeing anything at all.

This version contains the following invitation for extra work: journal about important needs that weren't met for you growing up. This sets up a more effective session; after writing, play the track. Write about 1-3 core memories that you relate to unmet childhood needs. Please take as long as you need, but 10 minutes already works. Use an 'NVC needs list' to help you connect to your needs.

This practice works best when repeated. Choose each time whether you want to do the extra journaling, or just jump right in. Journaling can be written but also with a voice recorder, etc.

image: Getty
audio: Healing Meditation Music

Transcript

A very warm welcome to this ideal parent figure protocol practice.

I will give you an overview of the practice ahead,

Then I'll give you some practical tips and just a way to settle into the present moment and then we'll dive right in.

So what we're going to be doing is,

After we've settled,

I'm going to invite you to imagine a set of ideal parents.

Then with these parents we'll imagine six specific scenes that will help you override your attachment foundation,

Your attachment database.

And then there will be one last visualization invitation that is a bit more general and could be a bit deeper.

And of course any of these are,

They're all optional,

You can choose to just skip one or maybe if you need a break you just breathe through one and just do make it your own practice.

So my guidance is an invitation and it's really up to you to make it,

To tweak it a little bit as you go along to really make it your own.

And so with that said,

Some practicalities.

If you're wearing glasses it can be very pleasant to take them off for the practice because if your face relaxes it is easier for the rest of the body to relax and that in turn makes the practice potentially deeper.

Maybe you want to hit that do not disturb button on your phone or anything else that you think would help you to really focus for the next about half an hour.

And then I would really invite you to take a deep breath in and take a deeper breath out and with your out breath just see if you can relax your face,

Relax your shoulders down and just arrive a little bit more in the present moment.

And what can also be very pleasant is to stretch a little bit and the stretch that I recommend for this moment is to stretch out your left arm and then go a little bit to the right.

And when you do that you can really inhale a lot of air into your left flank and if you do this,

So you're tilting a little bit to the right,

You don't want to cramp too much your right side.

So you don't want to sacrifice one body part for another.

So stretch to the right,

Inhale into your left flank but also leave your right flank a little bit extended.

And then it's a very lovely stretch and then you can do the other side.

So slowly go to the other side and extend your right hand up to the ceiling and then feel how pleasant you can breathe into your flank there.

Just creating a little bit more space.

And then what you can also do if you've done that is a little stretch to the left,

A little stretch to the right,

However intense you want to make it,

Don't overdo it.

It's not a yoga class but just to get a little bit more,

A little bit more energy,

A little bit more vibrancy that can translate in a bit more presence.

And of course any other movements that feel pleasant for you,

Just do it,

Maybe you want to shake it out a little bit,

Stretch your facial muscles.

And then slowly come to a tiny bit of self-observation.

This is not a meditation practice but it will definitely help to slow down a little bit more so you can close your eyes.

I would invite you to keep your eyes closed for the whole session but if you would like to keep them open that's perfectly fine too.

Then just don't watch any screens but keep sort of a soft gaze at the floor but recommendation to keep your eyes closed.

And then as you're calming down a little bit more,

Do a quick scan of your body and mind just like you are checking out the weather inside without judging anything.

We don't need to change anything but just see what it is now in this body,

In this mind.

So take a minute to do that.

Yeah,

Very good.

And then I want to invite you to set any intention that you want for this practice.

Maybe there's a deity that you relate to or any religious or spiritual practice that has some kind of invocation or mantra that you can do.

Or if you just want to set an intention for your practice like I really want to take care of myself or I'm really going to do my best to help myself a lot in this practice.

So take a moment to do that right now.

Very good.

Now as for the practice we're going to dive in in a moment.

So there will be invitations to visualize but some people are not so good at making actual visual pictures in their minds and it's not exactly necessary.

It will help but don't get bogged down on that and if you cannot visualize very well it doesn't matter.

You can also relate to the feelings of the imaginations or even the thoughts.

The idea is to make it as real as possible in a way that works for you.

Now for each of the visualizations I'm gonna schedule about four minutes for each to imagine the scenes that I will suggest.

If at any point you would like to stay longer with one of these or if you are having some troubles in creating a scene you can always pause the meditation so that you don't have to feel rushed.

So the pause button is your friend if you want to stay longer or if you just need a bit more time to somehow relate to the scene that I'm suggesting.

Alternatively if you feel complete with the session and you want to go to the next visualization you can just fast forward.

And then last remark I want to make if you did the optional journaling exercise that you could do before this practice you can insert the needs that you found or the qualities of experience that you missed into the visualizations you'll do.

Also there will be a last visualization as well where you can also really use what you've done in the journaling.

And if you didn't do the journaling this is also,

The practice doesn't,

It still works.

So you don't have to have done it it'll just make it a little bit deeper.

So with that said let's go into the first visualization here.

So the first visualization is really just to choose a set of parents.

And what I want you to do is imagine yourself as a young child going back into your memory.

But imagine that you grew up in a different family so it's not an exact memory.

So you want to remember yourself as a child but in a different family.

And in this visualization imagine parents who are ideally suited to you,

To your needs and to your nature.

And you may want to take a minute to sort of sketch them in your mind.

And I want you to trust whatever comes and whatever works for you.

And again the idea here is just to have a basic image of these ideal parents to play with in the following,

In the subsequent imagination.

So take a few minutes to imagine these parents.

Okay and now with these parents in mind imagine a scene that for you feels what it would have been like to have this completely secure relationship with them.

And allow any details that would make this feel true and secure for you in a way that you know in your bones that you can trust your parents presence and care and love.

And play with this imagination and remember it can be visual or more felt in the way it works for you and play a little bit with it that you can fine-tune the imagination so that it really works for you.

It has to feel perfect for you without being overly perfectionistic about it.

But I mean that you can really allow yourself to attune this into your own world.

That's what this whole thing is about.

And then notice particularly the specific details of the ways that they're being with you that lead you to feel completely secure in the relationship.

And then allow yourself to notice how this feels in your body.

So do this first imagination for a few minutes.

Very good.

And then whatever you were visualizing then gently let the scene fade and take a deep breath in and a deep breath out.

And when you exhale it you can do it maybe two or three times.

Exhale it and completely relax your body again.

Taking a few breaths before we go to the next scene.

Maybe any stretching you want to do in the meantime that's perfect.

This is not a strict meditation we're doing a healing practice here.

Okay.

And then for the next scene I want you to imagine these parents in a situation with you.

You can just make up any situation where you feel completely safe and protected by these parents.

So just imagine any scene that comes to you where you feel you're very safe.

Your parents are protecting you but not being over protective.

So you're free but you feel incredibly safe.

And as you paint this scene for yourself again ask yourself how would it look for you if it were perfectly attuned to you.

And again allow your own perfect scene.

Play with it,

Fine-tune it and once the imagination is coming notice particularly again the ways that they are being with you and pay attention to any details that you can conjure up that lead you to feel completely safe with them.

And then I invite you when you play with this when you imagine to again notice how it feels in your body.

Can you feel the safety in your body?

And so go ahead and imagine this scene.

And then I invite you to find an end to that scene and then do whatever you need to do.

Maybe take a few deeper inhalations or just be still for a few moments or stretch.

Make some weird faces whatever helps you to gently let it go and sort of open to wipe the slate for the next scene.

So like the whiteboard we're sort of wiping it clean again.

And then we're going to go to the next scene.

And what I want you to imagine now is any scene that comes to you that you want to paint that somehow for you paints a picture where these ideal parents are carefully attuned and interested in everything you do.

So these ideal parents,

These imaginal parents,

They follow your life and they follow your developments with joy and love and wonder.

And they feel visibly grateful to witness you.

They express their curiosity about you,

What you do and your inner life as well.

And again paint the perfect picture for you.

Allow yourself as much as you can the ideal situation and then allow yourself to bathe in it.

Carefully step into the scene,

Allow your body to be in the scene as well and notice particularly again the ways that they're being with you.

That leads you to feel their attunement and their joyful curiosity about you.

How would it look for you if it were absolutely perfect?

And again when you're painting this notice how it feels in your body and allow the feelings to be there.

So go ahead and imagine this scene of carefully attuned and parents that are interested in everything,

Everything that you do.

And then I invite you to slowly find an end to that scene and gently let it fade.

And do what feels right for you,

To wipe clean the whiteboard of your mind and get ready for another scene.

Maybe take another breath,

Maybe wiggle a bit,

Whatever feels pleasant.

And then next I would like you to remember a time that as a child you were emotionally,

Emotionally upset.

And then imagine that these ideal parents immediately come and they're being with you exactly as you need it.

For instance a physical closeness that you wanted the most.

And again how would it look for you,

How would it feel if it were perfect?

Allow your own perfect scene to unfold and again notice how it feels.

For about four minutes again.

And then I invite you to gently find an end and let the scene fade and maybe take another breath to slowly get ready for the next scene.

As you're getting the hang of this practice.

Next I want you to imagine a scene in which these parents are openly expressive about their delight in you,

Your actions and your discoveries.

They're openly expressive and very focal,

Not very subtle about their delight,

Their joy about you being a source of joy for them.

And how everything that you do clearly brings them happiness and deep gratitude and pleasure.

And you know in this scene and because of this scene,

You know that you are the deepest source of joy and satisfaction to them in so many ways and you can feel it.

So how would that,

How would that look for you,

How would it feel if these parents were so openly expressive about their delight in you?

And again allow your perfect scene to unfold,

To come to you and notice how it feels.

See the details and be with that for a few minutes.

Very good.

And then gently let that scene fade.

Take another breath,

Make another stretch and then we'll do another scene.

So in this scene imagine what it would look like,

What it would feel like,

What it would taste like to have these parents be with you in a way that shows their complete support and encouragement for your self-development.

So anytime you're discovering or exploring something new,

You know and you feel that you have their absolute support,

They're encouraging you to explore in your own ways.

These parents love you exactly for who you are and they encourage you to grow more and more into your own unique self-expression.

So imagine how this would look,

Create another scene that's perfectly attuned to your needs and your wishes,

In which you can feel and see this boundless support and encouragement for your own self-development by these parents.

So enjoy a few minutes of this.

Very good.

And then slowly,

Gently let that scene fade.

And take another deep breath.

We're going to go into the last of the imaginations,

The visualizations.

And this is where you might want to implement the fruits of your journaling work or you can just go with the flow and see what comes in the moment.

Both are perfect.

So what I want you to do here is to consider that there was something that you needed as a child that repeatedly,

Structurally,

Maybe over and over again or just one core memory,

Some need that you never quite got.

What I want you to do is to bring that need,

That feeling,

That missing,

That mourning to mind now.

It's a very familiar feeling to you.

It's something that you needed over and over again or maybe in that one core memory,

Never quite got.

And it was a very familiar way that you came to feel about it.

And you know what it is.

So bring that to mind and really allow yourself to feel it right now.

Step into that familiar sense of mourning.

I'll give you a moment.

It doesn't have to be a perfect conjuring but just to the degree you can feel it right now.

And then imagine these ideal parents stepping into the scene.

And they see right away what you're feeling,

What you're going through.

And imagine them responding to you in just the way you most need right now.

Just the right way.

And just be with that.

Let that unfold.

Let their presence now touch that old pain in you for a few minutes.

And then gently,

Slowly let that scene fade.

You can come back to it anytime you want but for now we're going to slowly go towards rounding up this practice.

And you may want to keep your eyes closed and don't rush yourself but just slowly find an end to the totality of this practice.

And I can imagine that this was a deep practice or a vulnerable practice.

So as you go about your day or days to come,

Allow some time for integration.

You may want to do some journaling if you have a full day ahead.

You might want to just take it slow and just mentally revisit a bit what you touched today.

It can really help.

When we open up something at this depth of vulnerability,

There's this window where it's still kind of open to us and it really helps.

So what you can do for instance,

Is these parts in yourself that were touched by this practice,

You can talk to it.

Talk to them.

Talk to your inner child that is still present with you today.

And just be with it in a gentle,

Kind,

Mindful way in however you would like.

But know that there is this window of a few hours where you probably have a bit more access to this part.

So any healing intentions you want to share in that direction.

And then lastly,

This kind of work benefits a lot from repetition.

So this ideal parent figure protocol practice you can do repeatedly to really overwrite the database in your mind that is informing your attachment in relationships.

But allow for a natural pace and don't go forcing it.

You'll feel called to do another round by your own inner knowing.

Or if you more like to plan it in the agenda,

Don't overdo it I would say.

So allow some time for integration.

With that said,

This is the end of the practice.

Thank you very much for doing this work for yourself and that's it for today.

Reviews

Love hurts! Growing up with a very-distant emotional father, I cried every time I visualised a hug from my imaginary parent. I could watch how I was left alone in my despair in my toughest times when all I needed was a hug and reassuring words. I know now I can find "that love" within me, but I am still a human being and I need to feel contact and to be hugged--I'll hug all my friends from now on just to retrieve back some of that connection I didn't have. Thanks for sharing this! Many blessings.