Character Development: Love And Love Affirmations

In Episode 5 of our Character Strengths Affirmation Series, we explore the strength of LOVE, the first character strength in the Humanity Virtue. My hope is that this episode offers you insight into the complexities and nuances of love and how we can find a sense of balance. Through discussion and affirmations, together we will nurture the ability within ourselves to open our hearts.

With love,
Hannah

Transcript

In a world that often focuses so much on what we lack,

It's easy to overlook the incredible internal strengths that each of us possess.

Grounded in ancient philosophy and modern science,

This series invites you to reconnect with the innate strengths that make you who you are,

Promoting balance and harmony in everyday life.

Whether you're looking to boost your confidence,

Overcome negative self-talk,

Deepen your relationships,

Or simply invite a greater sense of well-being,

My hope is that this series offers a practical and uplifting path to personal growth.

Hello gorgeous community and welcome to our Character Strengths Affirmation series.

Each session we explore one of the 24 character strengths identified by positive psychology,

All of which fall under the virtues of courage,

Humanity,

Wisdom,

Justice,

Temperance,

Or transcendence.

These strengths and virtues are universal and they form the foundation of our best selves.

I say this in every episode I'm noticing,

But if you haven't already,

I recommend you go ahead and check out the intro episode as it will provide you some background information on what to expect from this series.

In our last session we finished up with the courage character strengths and in this session we are starting our exploration of the virtue of humanity.

The VIA Institute defines humanity as our capacity to value and nurture relationships and recognize the worth in every individual.

It embodies the qualities that allow us to connect with others in a compassionate and empathetic manner,

Fostering relationships and bonds that enrich our lives and the lives of those around us.

At its core,

Humanity is about recognizing the shared experience of being human.

Our vulnerabilities,

Our joys,

Our struggles,

And then responding to others with kindness and love and understanding.

And honestly,

Not just responding to others but being able to acknowledge and identify the humanity within ourselves.

Quite frankly,

I think it's very easy for us sometimes to see the humanity in other people and then have such a perfectionist perspective toward ourselves.

Humanity includes the character strengths of love,

Kindness,

And social intelligence.

In today's session we will be focusing on love and love affirmations.

I could truly talk about this topic for days.

I could write a curriculum on this topic.

I could go a lot of different directions with this and most of it would be really not relevant.

So I'm going to do my best to capture what I think is the most salient information when it comes to love.

And there will absolutely be things that I leave out that I forget that I think about three days from now and I'm like,

Oh,

No,

I wish I'd said it.

I wish I'd cited that amazing quote.

So if there are things that you think of,

While you're listening to this with any of these series,

These episodes,

If there are things that you think of,

That maybe would resonate with other people or just insightful pieces of information,

Perspectives that I don't speak to,

I really encourage you to share it.

There is a function on Insight Timer where you can leave a comment and I would really love and appreciate that.

I think that that'd be really cool.

Maybe like a poem that like represents a particular strength.

That would be cool.

Anyway,

Already getting off topic.

I also do want to say right off the bat that when I'm talking about love,

I do get a little bit vulnerable in this episode and a little bit personal,

Not too personal.

It's nothing too intense or specific.

But before listening,

Just make sure that you're in a place where you can hear about references of experiences of hardship.

Okay,

So the character strength of love is all about forming and maintaining close,

Meaningful relationships,

Where ideally both parties give and receive affection,

Care and support.

Love involves being emotionally available and responsive to others,

And creating a sense of trust and security in our relationships.

So just to be clear,

This is not just about like romance.

This is about friends and family and our community.

And for me,

It's about my relationship to my spirituality and to the earth and anything where it's a relationship where common humanity is being expressed and acknowledged,

But also there's a quality of affection and adoration.

In the context of positive psychology,

Love is seen as practically essential for well being.

It brings joy,

It brings satisfaction,

It brings a sense of meaning and purpose.

It's a huge source of resilience in the face of challenges.

And for like the one person out there who's like,

Oh my gosh,

But like there is this one personality type where they're like not interested in close relationships.

I know.

I took that diagnostic class.

I know it.

But like they're rare.

They're like super rare.

And I would argue that even they really benefit from some kind of loving relationship,

Even if it's not to other people.

But for most of us,

I mean,

We're social creatures.

We have evolved to thrive in connection with others.

Love is like the glue that binds us to one another and fosters cooperation and trust and mutual care.

When we cultivate love in our relationships,

We're not only enhancing our own happiness,

But also contributing to the happiness and well-being of others.

Perhaps most salient in today's world,

Love offers protective factors against one of the greatest ailments of our time,

Which is loneliness.

Chronic loneliness doesn't just affect our mental health,

Which is important.

It also poses serious risks to our physical health,

Increasing the likelihood of heart disease and stroke and a weakened immune system.

There's some really famous research that came out a couple years ago that suggested that the impact of loneliness on mortality is similar to smoking cigarettes and other maladaptive behaviors that we so often are like,

Oh,

Like that's the thing that's bad for you.

And it's like,

Okay,

But like are you loving?

Do you love people?

Are you receiving love?

It's like this is that love is the thing in its many forms that helps bridge the gap,

You know,

That creates bonds,

That reminds us that we are seen,

That we are valued,

And that we are part of a larger community.

By helping us feel connected and restoring our sense of belonging,

Love becomes one of the most powerful and fulfilling aspects of the human experience.

Recently,

I stumbled upon this amazing quote from a gentleman named Red K Elders,

K like the letter,

Which cool name.

Let's start there,

Red K Elders is a cool name,

But it's not the most important part of this.

The most important part is his quote,

And in the quote he says,

Love doesn't mean I want you or I want you to be mine,

Neither you're good-looking or you're sexy.

Doesn't mean I can't live without you or I need you or let's be together forever or any of those things often mistaken for.

What it actually means is I really like,

Respect,

And appreciate who you are in all your realness and sovereignty,

And if there is anything I can offer without compromising my true nature that will help you on your path,

Then it will be a gift to me if you'll allow me to give it.

And then he says,

In this way,

I find I am loving more and more people every day.

And yeah,

I love that.

Well said,

Red K Elders.

This strength of love includes the ability to express love openly and authentically,

Which in practice can look different depending upon both how you give love and then how the other person receives it.

I'm sure many of us have heard of the different love languages,

Which is a framework that suggests that we express and receive love through five different dimensions.

So one of them is words of affirmation,

Another is quality time,

There's physical touch,

Acts of service,

And then receiving thoughtful gifts.

Because I do talk about research on this podcast,

I don't know what this is you guys,

I'm really just like doing what I feel like Spirit is telling me to do.

But I feel like I talk a lot about research,

So it feels important to note that there is not a ton of empirical support for the love language framework.

However,

I do think it's really intuitive,

And I used it a lot when I was working as an in-home family therapist.

I found it to be exceptionally helpful,

Especially in cases where trauma was present,

And where maybe somebody struggled with one particular kind of expression of love or receiving of love.

One common example was touch,

And being able to find alternative ways of expressing that love.

It was also really common where people didn't know how to both say that they loved someone,

And how to receive it when somebody expressed that to them.

And so I find the framework to be really helpful,

Even though there's not a lot of research supporting the theory.

So yeah,

I just I want to be clear,

I think that it can be incredibly helpful in terms of promoting insightful conversations,

Particularly in couples dynamics,

But also I've had these conversations with friends,

To know like this is how I experience that you love me,

Not just that I know that you love me,

But that I experience and feel and I'm able to receive that love.

So when I was doing therapy in home with families,

I would work with couples,

And there was one couple that I worked with,

Where one member of the relationship would show love by working a lot,

And by taking care of the house a lot.

And to him,

It was these acts of service that really illustrated like,

I love you so much,

See,

I'm working so hard for the family.

And to the partner,

They were like,

Oh my gosh,

Like,

I so appreciate how much you're working.

However,

I also experienced love in this family with you,

By you actually spending time with us,

And your presence,

And feeling like,

You know,

When you get home from work,

You give me a hug before you get going to the garage.

So in it was like that,

That wasn't a hard change for them to make.

And it made such a major impact in their relationship,

Because so much of the time,

We're just making assumptions on what love looks like based off of what we experienced growing up based off of what was modeled for us,

And based off of our own personalities.

And having a simple conversation about those things,

While also understanding that I think in healthy relationships,

There is a balance and an integration of each of the dimensions of this framework.

So all five of the elements are incorporated in some way to whatever degree is appropriate for the members of that relationship.

Okay,

So with any of these character strengths that we're working with,

Balance is essential.

And I think that this is especially true when it comes to love.

A deficiency of love can often manifest as emotional detachment,

Wherein we as individuals avoid intimacy or closeness,

Avoid vulnerability.

And this really leads us to have surface level superficial relationships,

Ultimately leading to this feeling of not being seen and held by people and loneliness.

That's what lead it's what leads to loneliness.

It's important to remember that we're all different.

And our capacity and desire for relationships is not the same across the board.

We all know those people who seem to know everybody in town,

And somehow has like an inside joke with everybody and is like super tight with like 1000 people.

And then we also know people who know like three people and like are close with three people and they're completely satisfied in their life and their relationships.

I think that the question really becomes am I operating in relationship from a place of fear and limiting beliefs?

Or am I operating from a place of desire and open curiosity and non judgment and peace.

An excess of love can take several different forms,

It can result in overdependence,

Wherein individuals rely on others for validation and happiness,

Which can lead to clinginess or enmeshment.

It can also take the form of possessiveness or jealousy or unhealthy self sacrifice,

Wherein personal needs are ignored to the point of burnout or enabling harmful behaviors.

In our introduction episode to the series,

I touched on the topic of spiritual bypass,

As well as what I'm calling virtue bypass.

And virtue bypass,

Just to be really quick about it is essentially when we prioritize our identification with a particular virtue and character strength,

And intellectualize our experience,

Thereby avoiding our emotional experience of hardship,

That is maybe in dissonance with that virtue.

I mentioned that we can experience virtue on different levels.

And that just because I understand something,

Cognitively,

And maybe spiritually doesn't mean necessarily that it's where I'm at emotionally or in my body.

And for me,

This is something that has been super relevant.

And who am I kidding,

This is like the one that like,

Made me think of the idea of virtue bypass.

I was like,

Dang,

I've really been doing this thing,

And it's not working for me.

So I'm going to tell you what happened.

And my hope is that through sharing my experience,

Some of you can feel seen and heard and less alone.

And like it's possible to have a healthy relationship to love and to all of these virtues and character strengths.

Without getting too into the weeds of it all,

And to protect the privacy of my family,

I'm just going to keep it very simple and say that,

Like many of you listening,

I'm sure I grew up in a highly tumultuous household.

That's the word I like to use because it feels safe.

And it was tumultuous for many reasons.

But I think that the presence of love being incredibly unpredictable and highly conditional set the foundation,

Like every that thing else that happened,

Would have been okay,

If we were loved.

And if we were loved reliably.

And the best way I can describe it is,

It was like love just would leave the room,

Like all of a sudden,

It would leave and then there would just be this feeling of like emptiness.

And yeah,

I mean,

As a result,

My relationship to love was really complicated.

I think on the one hand,

I was constantly seeking love as a basic human need.

And then on the other hand,

I was really scared to accept and trust love,

Because if I open myself up to it,

I would be hurt when it was thrown in my face or when it was just taken away from me.

So I spent a lot of my childhood trying to intellectualize what we were all experiencing,

Because I believed that if I could just,

I really believe that if I could just make sense of what was going on,

Then I could cope with it.

And I want to be clear that being able to make sense of something on a cognitive level is a very important part of healing.

It is necessary,

But I think for many people,

It's not sufficient.

And to be honest,

There were things that happened that just don't make sense.

That there is not logic behind.

And my reliance and the fact that I had made a religion out of the intellect,

I ended up just being angry and confused and really exhausted and tired,

And scared of love and scared of love.

And I just before we move on,

It feels really important that I say that I am truly in a place of authentic gratitude and forgiveness of everything that happened.

I really,

Really,

Really,

Really believe that everything that happened was giving me such passion for the work that I do now and skills for the work that I do now and insight and and continued work for my soul and for my spirit.

And I it's amazing to be able to talk to my family now and be like,

Yeah,

I wouldn't change a thing of it,

Even the things that were really,

Really awful.

And I would love to be able to tell you that I moved out and I went to college and everything became beautiful.

And that would be lying.

That would be me lying to you.

So I'm not going to do that,

Because it took a couple years for me.

There was so much that I had to both learn and unlearn.

And you know what,

Maybe in future episodes that will be more relevant to reference,

But there is really no need to go into all of that right now.

However,

I will say that my sophomore year,

I started really getting into my spirituality and expanding my mindfulness practice.

And I began learning and practicing Metta or loving kindness meditation.

For those of you who might be unfamiliar,

I'm going to do a really quick explanation of the process.

If you're like,

Girly,

I practice Metta every day,

Skip like 30 seconds.

So similar to affirmations,

Loving kindness practice involves repeating phrases that cultivate goodwill,

Love and compassion.

Traditionally,

You start out by directing these intentions toward yourself,

And then progressively,

Either over a session or over days or months or even years,

You extend those intentions to others.

And these others are specific,

It's a loved one,

A neutral person,

A difficult relationship,

And then to all beings.

So an example of common phrases are things like,

May I be happy,

May I be healthy,

And may I live with ease.

And because so many of us have a complicated relationship to ourselves,

When I teach loving kindness,

I will often encourage folks to start out with a loved one,

And then experience the ease of wishing them well,

And what it feels like in their body to have that feeling of love,

And then redirect that love to themselves and practice that.

And I also want to say that it doesn't have to be a person.

I had a golden retriever growing up,

His name was Ben,

And he was the sweetest,

Goodest boy ever.

And for me,

He is one of my reliable figures for me to start out with to feel that simple experience of love and good wishes.

And then you can progress from there.

So that's loving kindness.

This heart opening practice was and continues to be a hugely beneficial practice for me.

And it allowed me to experience a quality of being that how do I want to describe it?

I don't know.

I mean,

It was just pure,

And light and beautiful.

And after years of feeling very heavy,

It was,

It was like the sun came out after a long winter.

And it allowed me to expand compassion to myself,

Which I hadn't realized was actually quite challenging.

And the practice also just made my day better.

You know,

I mean,

Especially like working with neutral people,

It was like,

Oh,

I began to realize the way in which I would walk into a room with my judgmental mind activated immediately.

And instead,

It was like,

Oh,

Like,

What if I walk up to the counter at the coffee shop,

And instead of like being insecure,

Or think placing my values in something that I don't actually care about,

And having that come through with the way that I'm thinking and feeling about the moment?

What if I just look at the person in front of me and desire for them to have a great day?

And like,

What does that do to the quality of my day if I'm just walking around like so like,

Like some days,

It was like this big feeling.

And other days for me,

It's just this like subtle,

Like we're all here together.

Like look at us all just doing our best.

And I just want the best for all of us.

So it was really like,

Like not to be like dramatic about meditation,

But like it was life changing.

It was,

It was and continues to be life changing.

But it was particularly life changing at that point,

Because it was in such stark contrast to the way that I had been walking in my everyday life up until that point,

Like to actually feel open in my heart.

And in my intellect,

Breathe deeply into my chest and to smile sincerely at another person and then to experience that more and more people would meet me at that same place.

It changed my life.

Over time,

And a lot of practice and honoring the process of pacing.

I was also able to extend this to relationships in which I had been hurt.

However,

As is often the case when we get into something,

Ego will follow us.

And we can swing too far.

So the challenge for me was that I started holding myself to a standard of unconditional love just all the time.

I was mentally overriding my actual emotions.

And I wasn't meeting myself and my body where it was in favor of being the quote,

Unquote,

Kind of person who was enlightened enough to be love just all the time.

Which is like,

Okay,

Like,

Fake annoying,

But like,

What's the big deal?

And the big deal is that when we do this,

We end up putting ourselves in situations where we are crossing our own boundaries,

Because we're not being honest with ourselves about where we're at.

So I would put myself in situations with people who had harmed me,

Because intellectually and in solitude,

I was able to extend love to them.

And then it got me into this like,

Really icky cycle of re exposing myself to trauma.

So I don't know if some of you relate to that,

Or if it's just me,

But that's what happened.

What I've learned and have focused on integrating is that true love values healthy boundaries.

Just as the quote I read earlier indicated,

Loving someone else does not infringe upon our own true nature.

Loving someone is not about looking at them or the relationship through rose colored glasses.

It's about seeing them for who they are,

And for what they are in this moment,

Accepting it,

Doing your best to appreciate it.

And then integrating that understanding,

So that we can create a relationship from a place of informed wisdom.

One of my most important teachers is Ram Dass.

And in one of his episodes,

I think it's the one on maybe the yoga of relationship,

But that could be wrong.

But he's talking about,

Like what it really means to love somebody.

And he says,

Why can't I just be happy with them the way that they are?

You're a liar and a cheat and a scoundrel.

And I love you.

And then very importantly,

He then says,

I won't play games with you.

But I love you.

Meaning I'm going to see you for who and what you are in this moment.

I'm not going to romanticize you or pretend that my love can change you,

Etc.

And through that,

I'm going to love you.

Another really beloved teacher is Sharon Salzberg,

Who specializes in meta or loving kindness.

And she is truly such a beautiful spirit.

And she's an amazing writer.

And she has a book on loving kindness.

She's got lots of books,

I recommend that you go look at all of them.

But she's got one specifically on loving kindness.

And that has a story that I think really captures the true essence of love.

She tells it way better than I ever could.

And I really recommend that you get the book and you read it yourself.

But in the story,

Essentially,

She was in India,

And she was,

You know,

Just a woman alone.

I think this was in maybe the 60s or the 70s.

And she was being like a guy tried to kidnap her basically.

And she didn't know what to do.

Because she was like,

I don't want to hurt him.

But also like I need to protect myself.

And Baruch Hashem,

She ends up getting away.

And when she gets home,

She's processing with her teacher and explaining this like inner conflict.

And the teacher tells her something like,

Oh my gosh,

You should have hit that guy.

And she's like,

But what about loving kindness?

And he's like,

With all the love in the world,

You should have hit that man like loving somebody doesn't mean that we don't protect ourselves.

Loving somebody doesn't mean that we don't meet a situation where it's at.

And also that we can hold love and we can hold other emotions at the same time and use those other emotions to fuel us right like I think about the emotion of anger.

We can be angry from a place of love and be grounded in our response enough to do so with tremendous intention and thoughtfulness and not just reactivity.

If there's one thing that you take away from this entire episode,

Which is I'm looking now and I'm like,

This is so much longer than some of the other ones I've done.

But I feel I feel like I'm getting more like,

Personable with each episode.

And so hopefully that is good.

But if there's one thing that you take away from this,

It's that setting boundaries isn't putting a limit on love.

Setting boundaries is about saying this is what our relationship needs to look like in order for the full expression of our love to manifest and unfold.

I'm going to say that again.

Setting boundaries is about saying this is what our relationship needs to look like in order for the full expression of our love to manifest and unfold.

Setting boundaries is about protecting not only yourself but the quality of the relationship.

And just remember that boundaries can be as static or as dynamic as any other part of our lives.

And they involve an ongoing conversation with ourselves as well as those we're in relationship with regarding what we're comfortable with at this point in who we are.

Ultimately,

What I've learned is that a balanced expression of love fosters healthy interdependence by valuing mutuality and reciprocity,

While also respecting boundaries.

This balance requires that we have a harmonious relationship with ourselves,

Cultivating self love,

Meeting ourselves where we're at,

Etc.

And then by striking this balance,

Love becomes a sustainable and enriching force that benefits both the giver and the receiver,

While maintaining individual well-being.

In this sense,

Love becomes a way of living that brings us closer to the truth of who we are and has the power to transform not just our relationships,

But our entire outlook on life.

I mean,

In the Toltec Path,

They often say that we see things through the lens of how we feel in the moment.

And when we feel loved,

I mean,

The possibilities are endless.

Believe me,

I know that it can be scary.

I know that it can be spooky.

I know that it can be vulnerable and uncomfortable.

I get it.

What I have learned through mindfulness and through Metta and all these practices and through these affirmations,

Yes,

Is that what's cradling all of that fear and that pain is so much spaciousness and the quality of that spaciousness is love.

Because in that spaciousness,

The reality of the moment is viewing me with acceptance and forgiveness and all these things,

Because it's saying,

I see you for what you are and I hold it.

And so for me,

Being able to tap into all of that has been super healing,

Even outside of the context of my social relationships.

So remember,

Remember,

Remember to have grace with yourself.

And also just thank you so much for listening to my story and for being on this journey with me as the series changes and expands and as I get more comfortable being on the internet.

I love you guys.

Thank you.

And now for the moment we've all been waiting for,

The actual affirmations.

Real quick before we begin,

Let's take a moment for a blessing to set our intention.

May we be blessed with the capacity to love deeply and genuinely,

Embracing those around us with warmth and compassion.

May we find joy in the simple acts of connection and may our hearts be open to giving,

Receiving and being love.

Let our relationships be a source of comfort and strength where we support and uplift each other through life's ups and downs.

May we inspire those around us with our unwavering commitment to caring,

Nurturing and uplifting,

Creating ripples of positive change in the world.

And may we discover that in loving fully,

We find a deeper sense of fulfillment and purpose in our journey together.

I will read each statement twice,

Pausing in between to give you a chance to repeat them out loud to yourself.

And I do recommend saying them out loud.

The statements that are easy to embrace,

Savor them,

Appreciate them,

Stand like a mountain in their truth.

And then the statements that feel not so good,

That feel uncomfortable or foreign,

Go ahead and say them anyway.

This is where we are doing the work,

Rewiring those neural networks.

This is also where we gain insight into unhealed wounds,

Limiting beliefs and ingrained biases and judgments toward ourselves or toward a particular way of being.

It's great material for journaling or discussing with a counselor or trusted friend,

Maybe even someone doing the series with you.

Whether you're just waking up,

Walking your dog,

On your commute,

Or getting ready for bed,

I hope these affirmations serve your deepest,

Greatest,

Highest self.

And with that,

Let's get started.

I give and receive love with an open heart.

I embrace and nurture meaningful connections.

My relationship with my loved one is a relationship that is open to me.

My relationships are filled with warmth and understanding.

My relationships are filled with warmth and understanding.

I express my love through actions and words.

I offer support and allow others to do the same for me.

I express my love through actions and words.

I offer support and allow others to do the same for me.

I offer support and allow others to do the same for me.

I see and appreciate the inherent worth in everyone I meet.

I see and appreciate the inherent worth in everyone I meet.

I cultivate love by being present and attentive.

I cultivate love by being present and attentive.

I celebrate the unique qualities of others.

I approach relationships with empathy without compromising my values.

I approach relationships with empathy without compromising my values.

My love inspires others to connect authentically.

My love inspires others to connect authentically.

I offer love freely without losing myself in the process.

I offer love freely without losing myself in the process.

I am thoughtful with the way I show my love.

I am thoughtful with the way I show my love.

I am grateful for the love in my life.

I am grateful for the love in my life.

I believe that love can transform and heal.

I believe that love can transform and heal.

I believe that love can transform and heal.

Love is in me and all around me.

Love is in me and all around me.

As always,

Thank you so much for being here and sharing the intention to work on ourselves so that we can be better for ourselves,

As always,

Thank you so much for being here and sharing the intention to work on ourselves,

So that we can be better for the people that we love and the people that we care about,

So that we can be better for the people that we come into contact with,

For humanity as a whole,

And for the world at large.

For humanity as a whole,

And for the world at large.

May you go forth with many,

Many,

Many blessings,

And I will see you next time.

Bye.