Welcome back to Mindful Intimacy,
Part 3.
If you haven't seen part 1 and part 2,
That's okay,
Please continue,
But do go back and watch as these build on themselves a little bit.
The theme of today's mindful intimacy lesson is returning to love.
Often when we get into trying to communicate something with an intimate partner,
We'll get a little triggered and then we'll get a little defensive and then we'll get wrapped up in the words and then we'll get more wrapped up in the words and then it'll all be about the words and we will forget that we are two human beings with hearts,
A loving foundation,
Who just want to connect.
But all of this other stuff that we're doing is just for the intention of connecting with each other,
Of feeling love,
And of getting to give the gift of love.
I call this practice returning to love because this is a practice of completely stopping whatever you're doing.
So whatever has happened that has escalated,
Escalated,
Escalated,
Conflict,
Stress,
Story,
The first step is to completely stop.
So one person gets to say the word stop.
After that,
You both take a breath.
Step one,
Stop.
Step two,
Breathe.
And I would even say three breaths,
Heart centered breath.
Take three breaths into the heart.
Maybe at this point you want to close your eyes and come into your own body.
Right now I am noticing that I am pissed off at you.
Right now that I am noticing that I feel sad.
Right now I'm noticing I am defensive.
Right now I'm noticing I want to run away from you as fast as possible.
Stop.
Three breaths and then notice and share what you're noticing.
Bring it back to the level of the body if possible.
Maybe noticing the emotions,
We noticing the mind.
So first we take that mindful moment of ourselves.
We share that with our partner.
Next thing to do is to relax.
Do your best to relax.
Notice how tension is crept into the body during this conflict.
We feel defensive.
We close.
So sometimes there's this physical closing but often an energetic closing,
An emotional closing in the heart.
The next piece of this is eye gazing.
So taking a couple seconds,
A couple breaths,
Or maybe even a couple of minutes to just see each other.
Relax your face as much as possible.
Sit or stand across from each other.
We even lie down with each other and gaze into each other's eyes.
You can blink as much as you need to.
Try to keep your face relaxed and neutral.
Allow yourself to be seen in whatever level of vulnerability or fear or shame that you're in.
Just let yourself be seen.
And as you're seeing the other person,
Please let go of trying to find fault or to pick something out about them or to say what they're doing wrong.
Just see,
This is a human being in front of me that really wants to connect with me.
This is why this is all happening.
And the next step is to return to love.
This is where it might be helpful to know your love language,
The way that you most easily give and receive love.
Doesn't matter if you do,
But it might be a helpful piece.
The best thing to do is just to return to be an affirmation,
A statement of love.
Simply,
I love you.
This is hard and I love you.
Or maybe a little physical affection if you can come into an embrace or a kiss or a touch on the shoulders or holding the hand.
Practice of returning to love is an incredible de-escalation,
But that's not the point.
It's not,
I'm gonna do this so that I won't be in conflict.
It's that when we shift our level of consciousness back to just the innate,
Intuitive,
Instinctual desire to connect,
Get out of the level of the stories of the mind,
And there's actually room to negotiate and to hear each other,
To do the practices that I mentioned in part two.
What I heard you say was,
What I took it to mean was.
Every time you notice that there's a shift in the body,
Okay,
Right now I'm noticing that when I heard you say that,
I relaxed more.
Right now,
I'm noticing that when I heard you say that,
I got more tense.
Or this other thing came up.
So you're taking responsibility for your own emotions,
Not putting that on the other person.
Noticing what's happening in your body,
Hearing the other person,
And returning to love.
And there will be moments where you say to yourself,
Yeah,
But not this.
I can't return to love in this situation.
When actually we can return to love no matter what.
No matter what.
I was in a situation recently where I was finding so much fault with a partner,
And I kept saying to myself,
Yeah,
But I can't return to love in this.
And my intention for the new year came up,
Which was to return to love no matter what.
No matter what.
It doesn't mean we have to return to an abusive relationship.
It doesn't mean we have to return into a communication pattern that is causing us harm or trauma.
We can return to a depth of love which always comes from our own self-love.
Which always comes from the remembrance that this essence of love is really who we are behind all of the other stuff.
The last piece of this is when you return to love,
Ask your partner what they need in this moment.
Do your best to put the conflict down for a minute,
Just to put a bookmark in it.
What do you need in this moment?
Maybe I really just need to pee.
I need a glass of water.
Let's go outside and take a walk.
I need to scream my face off.
I just need to hold you.
Get out of the realm of the mind,
Return to love,
And express some empathy.
What do you need in this moment?
That's it for our third mindful intimacy piece.
Happy practicing.
