Hello again.
Today we'll head into mindful intimacy part two.
So the first part we talked about the practice of noticing and sharing what you're noticing.
Allow each other to be in the space that you're in and this help builds more self-awareness and empathy for your partner.
The next quick practice today is a practice of empathetic communication.
So when you're in the midst of communicating anything,
Whether it's yelling something up the stairs or having a real heart-to-heart where you're connecting with one another or a text message or a phone call,
We often hear things that are not what the other person said.
Maybe my partner says to me,
I'm feeling really tired but I was really looking forward to making love tonight and I'm feeling rejected and so what I actually hear is I'm not interested in you.
So you can see how one thing was said but another thing was heard.
In this practice we're going to mirror what the other person says to us.
We're also going to do our best to actually listen to the words but then notice what we're hearing besides those words.
So as I mentioned this is a practice of mirroring and you're simply going to reflect the words that you heard another person say.
I noticed that my partner said something and I started to feel triggered.
In that moment I can take a breath,
Notice what I'm feeling,
Maybe share that I'm noticing.
I noticed that my heart just started beating a little bit faster.
I noticed that I just got short of breath.
I noticed that I just started feeling rejected.
That's also a way to own your own emotions and to not put them on the other person.
No one can make us feel any way.
We are all free to feel whatever we feel and when we start to put the ownership of our emotions onto our partner it gets really messy.
And not messy in that good kind of way where we're experimenting and figure things out but we really lose our empowerment.
So when you hear yourself say things like you made me feel this way,
That's very different than saying this happened and I felt this way.
If you're interested in this communication strategy it's called nonviolent communication or compassionate communication and it is a very specific practice of how we speak in I statements,
Checking into our own feelings,
Needs,
Assumptions,
And making requests.
Back to today's practice.
So the practice is what I heard was.
What I heard was.
The partner says something.
I notice I'm starting to feel a thing and then I can repeat back.
What I heard was or what I heard you say was that you are feeling tired.
The second part is I'm gonna own what that sounded like to me.
What I heard you say was you're feeling tired.
But what I took that to mean was that you are not interested in making love to me.
So what I heard you say was and try to get as close to those words as you can but what I took that to mean or what I really heard was that you're just not turned on by me anymore.
Now the other person gets a chance to respond.
So notice if what comes up from this is a feeling of defensiveness or a trigger.
Well that's not what I said.
You can actually be in gratitude here.
Wow thank you for sharing with me what you heard.
What I actually said was that I'm tired and what I meant was that I'm tired.
And I really want you to hear that I had a long stressful day today and that that has nothing to do with you.
Maybe I'm also hearing that you have a desire to make love tonight.
So how can we make this work for both of us?
How can we decide to wake up early tomorrow morning or set aside some time on the weekend?
So you can go back and forth in this as well.
What I heard you say was,
What I took that to mean was,
And then you can go back to the other person.
All right what I just heard you say was and what I took that to mean was.
And then the period of clarification as well.
What I really meant was.
So this whole thing will look like a breath,
A practice of noticing.
What I heard you say was,
What I took that to mean was.
And then the other person would say thank you first of all,
Thank you for acknowledging that this is happening for you.
What I said was and what I meant was.
What I heard you say was,
And so here's what we can do about it or what should we do about that.
So this is really a practice of hearing each other.
This isn't necessarily about solutions or outcomes or fixing.
You may get to a point of negotiating things so you can have both of your needs met,
But that's not always possible.
And often the trigger,
The escalation,
The anxiety,
Gets way stripped back when we just feel heard.
We just can pause and say I hear you,
I heard you,
Or I see you.
That is your mindful intimacy practice today and happy,
Happy practicing.
