Strengthening Your Boundaries

Modern life pulls us in many directions which leads to overwhelm and difficulties saying 'No'. Codependency is a symptom of porous boundaries when it´s hard to find your own voice and determination. This talk and meditation explains the dynamics behind maladjusted boundaries and includes a guided meditation on how to strengthen them.

Transcript

So boundaries protect us from other people's energies.

We're basically constantly bombarded by external energies,

Whether it's the news or environmental factors like noise.

And of course,

We also are constantly exposed to other people's stressors and judgment and criticism.

And it's very difficult to withstand this onslaught of energy because when we go outside,

Especially if you live in the city,

It's everywhere.

So for us,

It's extremely important to have healthy boundaries.

But because we live in such a high stimuli environment,

It's normal that the boundaries are sometimes not in balance.

So what happens frequently is that we set our boundaries too high,

Meaning we put up a boundary towards others,

As in stopping them or pushing them away.

And that can often result in coping mechanisms like anger or frustration.

When we meet other people's stress or disrespect,

It's normal to get frustrated sometimes.

And it's almost normal to get caught up in their drama,

Especially when our boundaries are out of balance.

And then there's also the coping mechanism of withdrawing or shutting down when our boundaries are too high.

So to just wanting to get away from it all,

Wanting to get away from the stimuli.

And that results often in loneliness,

Sometimes a lack of intimacy,

And sometimes also a lack of trust in oneself or in other people.

And then many of us also have too low boundaries when the boundaries are porous.

And the coping mechanisms in that case is often we try to please others,

We try to placate them,

We put their needs above our own,

Because we think,

If I just can deal with their stuff,

Then I can be at peace,

Then I don't have to worry about it anymore.

It can also make us feel overwhelmed by other people's needs,

And we can take on their feelings.

For example,

When we accept responsibility for them because it feels like they can't,

Then that too can be a boundary thing,

Can be a boundary violation when they keep pushing against our boundaries and it's hard to resist that.

And that's not empathy.

Taking on other feelings or responsibilities is not empathy.

Empathy ideally means that we have empathy for ourselves and the other person,

And it's a constant negotiation between what they might need and what we need.

And sometimes we need to say no.

Sometimes we don't have the emotional or tangible resources to support them.

We have to look out for ourselves and how much we have to offer.

And that is,

In that moment,

The most important thing to consider.

One example where this frequently goes out of whack is when you have an addict in your family or among your friends or somebody who is mentally ill,

And they constantly bring their needs to you,

And their needs are intense because they suffer a lot.

So they constantly need attention or your time.

And when we have to put up a boundary there,

We often feel guilty or bad that we cannot really deal with them in that moment.

And often what we then feel is their guilt.

We feel their guilt and we feel sometimes even their self-hatred.

And it feels like it's ours because it's so intense and we feel bad for them.

So when you find yourself constantly thinking about their issues,

And that's out of balance with what you need,

Then there's a boundary violation there.

And it is difficult for many people to say no because we are afraid of hurting the other people.

Sometimes we do because we say no,

Because we have to put our own needs first.

But it's a matter of authenticity to really say,

Look,

I just can't offer this to you right now because I don't have what you need in this moment.

And that often goes for women because women are so used to being caretakers and taking care of other people,

Men as well,

But women more automatically so.

So it's very difficult to say no and it's very difficult to watch other people get hurt by our boundaries.

But we have to be authentic and we have to try to negotiate what's going on with them and what's going on with us.

So rather than trying to avoid the conflict or rather than trying to burst out in frustration,

It's important and it's not always possible to avoid frustration.

It's totally okay to get frustrated.

But you don't want to just let it sit there.

When things calm down,

You want to go back to that person you care about and you want to have a conversation.

You want to find some measure of repair that still takes care of your own needs.

So it's not about avoiding conflict or difficult situation but about negotiating them or repairing them.

And it's not that everybody has constantly boundaries that are too high or too low.

We often alternate between the two extremes depending on what we're dealing with or who the people are that we're dealing with.

So if you have any comments or questions,

Feel free to put them in the chat.

We're going to do our meditation now.

It's about 10 minutes long.

And afterwards,

I'll be happy to answer any questions.

So I invite you to get into a comfortable position.

Close your eyes and begin to breathe deeply.

Notice your feet on the floor.

Notice your body being supported by the chair.

Notice your breath moving in and out of your nostrils.

And notice your muscles and your mind slowly relax.

When thoughts come up,

Just notice them.

This is what I'm thinking about.

That's just what the mind does,

It thinks.

And gently let them go and come back to your breath.

And I invite you to remember a situation where you noticed your boundaries were either too high or too porous.

When someone was disrespectful or intruded into your space.

What emotions do you feel?

Where in your body do you notice tension or discomfort?

And what is the negative belief about yourself that is connected to this memory?

It could be something like,

I can't deal with this,

It's too much.

Or who do they think they are?

They're trying to hurt me.

And imagine what you want to believe about yourself in this situation.

Something like,

I can deal with this.

We can talk about this.

Or I don't have to put up with this.

And imagine a cocoon of beautiful bright light around you,

All around your body.

And that cocoon is held by a thin layer of blue light.

And the blue shield is screening out all negativity coming from outside while containing feelings of strength and peacefulness inside.

If there is still remaining tension,

Imagine that you're releasing the tension through the layer of blue light.

Releasing more and more with every exhale.

And really feel the feelings of your newfound positive belief that you are strong enough.

Or that you are allowed to say no.

Release all fear.

Notice yourself and your resolve getting stronger.

Exhale fear.

And inhale strength.

Now return to the memory you thought about in the beginning.

And rewrite that story.

How do you show up differently when your boundaries are in place?

What different kind of energy do you carry?

How do you respond differently to the person?

And remember that every time you do a guided visualization like this,

You're changing your entire brain chemistry little by little.

You're building new neural pathways and are forming new beliefs about yourself.

Now take a couple of long deep breaths.

Express gratitude to yourself for doing this work.

Because by changing yourself,

You're changing your entire environment.

When you're ready,

Open your eyes.