Learning About Self-Compassion

This is both a guided meditation and a beginner's lesson/ lecture on what self-compassion is. It includes short periods of meditation, entwined with moments of reflection, guided visualization, etc. It's meant to show and not just tell about self-compassion. If you want to learn about self-compassion and want a practical place to start, this is for you. Don't let the length scare you away - it is meant for beginners. This version has background music, another is uploaded without it.

Transcript

Welcome.

This is both a meditation session and a meditation lesson for beginners.

So don't let the length of it scare you.

I'm going to teach you some mindfulness practices for increasing a sense of self-compassion to help you in your path,

Whatever it may be.

This session slash lesson will include time for meditation,

Time for reflection,

Time for active thinking,

Time for feeling.

So hopefully it will be dynamic enough to keep your attention and teach you something about self-compassion.

Let's begin by taking a few deep breaths to ground ourselves in the present moment.

Inhale and hold your breath until I count to three.

One,

Two,

Three.

Now exhale slowly.

One more time.

Inhale into your belly as deeply as you can and hold.

One,

Two,

Three and exhale,

Feeling the tension leaving your body.

One more time.

Inhale deeply and hold.

One,

Two,

Three and exhale,

Allowing your body to come back to its natural breathing rhythm.

Follow your breath as it comes into your body,

Starting from your nostrils and as it fills out your lungs.

Then all the way as it exits and leaves your body.

Notice where you feel your breath most clearly and then focus on that place,

Following your body's breathing pace.

You're just observing the breath without controlling it and trying to notice all the tiny fluctuations and changes of depth or frequency.

When you lose your focus and get distracted,

Smile and then gently refocus,

Go back to the breath.

Remember distractions are normal even though they are annoying,

So smile and refocus.

Self-compassion is a state of mind more than anything else.

It's an important state of mind.

It helps us deal with our suffering.

It alleviates it.

It's like a blanket on a cold day.

For some people it comes naturally,

But most other people need to cultivate it consciously and I'm guessing that's why you're playing this,

That's why you're here.

Think of it like this.

The seed is there,

The seed of compassion.

It was there since the day you were born.

However,

Our culture often sees vulnerability as weakness and we're taught to cover up our suffering to suck it up.

The specific circumstances of your life could have been such that overall the earth in which the seed was planted was too dry for a plant to develop.

The important thing is that the seed is there and proper cultivation starts right now.

It started the moment you took that breath in at the beginning of this lesson.

Life has an annoying tendency of being very messy and unpredictable.

The world we live in doesn't quite care about what we want or need and this causes all kinds of suffering.

Compassion allows us to be with our suffering,

Not hide from it.

We have an impulse to run away from what's bad,

What doesn't feel good,

What's uncomfortable.

And what we actually do is we turn our backs on it,

But it's still there,

It still hurts.

Self-compassion gives us the strength and the stability to look at our suffering and be with it.

When we're self-compassionate we're able to stay engaged with how we actually feel.

We are able to care for ourselves.

Here's a way to think about it.

If you have an open wound it hurts.

If you fail at something,

That also hurts.

When you judge yourself for failing at something,

It's like putting a finger into that wound.

It makes things worse,

Not better.

Yet for many of us it's our default state of mind.

Self-compassion is actually the proper medicine.

Take a few moments right now and reflect on how you deal with your own suffering.

I'll give you some questions to help you out.

Think about the last time someone hurt you.

In retrospect,

From the position where you are now,

What did you do to ease your own suffering?

How successful were you at that?

Think about the last time you failed at something.

Perhaps not the biggest failure in your life,

But a failure that hurt.

Did you put the band-aid over your psychological wound or did you stick a finger in it?

How did you think about yourself and that failure?

How much did you judge yourself?

Think about people close to you,

Those that are emotionally close to you as well as those that are physically around you like your colleagues at work or friends at school.

How well do you set boundaries that are within your comfort zone?

How often do you succumb to pressure and how often are you able to say no in order to feel okay?

Think about specific examples.

Just bring them back and remember what you did and how you felt.

Now I want you to focus on your body for a few seconds.

Check in with your chest,

With your abdomen.

Just notice any sensations that may have been arising as you've been thinking about these things.

How do you feel after reflecting on these questions and thinking about the way you treat yourself?

A very wise woman once said that the most difficult times are the ones we give to ourselves.

And that's one of the truer things I've ever heard.

Self-compassion is there to deal with this sad insight that in addition to the pain that life brings inevitably along,

Most of the pain is the one that we actually cause ourselves by insisting that we are something that we're not,

That we must do something that we really mustn't,

That we should be this or that.

Go back to your breath for a few moments and focus on it again.

Simply coming back to the breath if your mind wanders away.

I say smile every time you catch yourself distracted.

And the reason I say that is because it's a compassionate thing to do.

If you catch yourself distracted that means that you're no longer distracted.

So being upset about something that you just corrected makes no sense.

Smiling is a way to validate that you're mindful again,

That makes sense.

It's a direct way to be compassionate to yourself right now.

So focus on your breath and smile every time you catch yourself distracted.

Cultivating self-compassion can be done in a variety of ways.

It's not very useful to think of personal growth as implementing something or managing something or coping.

It's certainly not a good idea to resort to so-called life hacks.

There are no hacks in life.

If you want to create sustainable change then there are no shortcuts.

I like to use the term cultivation and let me show you why.

Visualize yourself planting a seed in a pot or somewhere outdoors.

Whatever comes to your mind first.

Visualize the details.

Feel the smell of the earth.

Think about the weather.

What does it feel like to hold a small seed in your hands?

Now imagine yourself watering that plant.

Accelerate time,

You know,

Like in the movies and watch yourself coming back to that place over and over again,

Adding nutrients,

Adding water,

Making sure everything is okay.

Imagine the fragile plant slowly emerging from the ground.

Those delicate leaves just barely even green and then growing quickly but still remaining very thin and delicate.

Imagine yourself having to strengthen the plant so that it doesn't break under its own weight.

Imagine it becoming bigger,

More stable,

Stronger.

Eventually becoming a huge tree that now provides shade and protection for you.

Imagine the dense branches and the rich leaves protecting you against rain.

This is how we grow too as people and this is how we also cultivate self-compassion.

It's not a surgical procedure.

It's a process.

The weather conditions change so the needs of our plant are different so we have to be attentive and dedicated.

You can add nutrients and provide all the right conditions but you can't know how the branches will grow or even how fast.

On your journey to cultivate more self-compassion,

There will be periods of rapid progress but then periods of stagnation.

There will be times when meditation will fill you with intense sensations.

It will feel like you're drunk,

Drunk with self-compassion naturally.

But then there will be times when meditation and the phrases and even practical acts might feel like they're falling flat.

But just like with the plant,

You know that it's just a phase because it's a process and process has different stages and different phases.

Take a few moments to reflect on this idea.

Hold the image of a tree developing from a seed in your mind's eye and see what thoughts or feelings arise.

Good or bad,

Welcome everything.

Practicing mindfulness,

Learning how to open up to your actual experience in the present moment with an attitude of acceptance will strengthen your ability to be with your feelings.

It will help you stay calm and grounded and not be swept away by the intensity of the suffering you're facing even in the darkest of hours.

Bringing awareness to your physical sensations,

To your emotions and thoughts will help you diffuse them.

Just the act of observation,

Labeling and letting go creates a bit of a distance between you and the intense experience.

And it creates a kind of inner safe space.

You know how little kids run to their parents,

You know,

They run to their mom and then she hugs a child and then the child immediately feels better just because their mom hugged them.

Well,

That's the kind of internal atmosphere.

That's the kind of safe space you're creating.

Think about the last time a friend has shared a problem with you,

When you could really see and feel their suffering.

So,

Remember a specific situation.

What did you do?

What did you do in terms of actions,

Attitude,

Tone of your voice,

Emojis that you were using?

What advice did you give them?

Specifically remember and list all these things.

When you suffer because of failure or pain or loneliness or some other intense horrible feeling,

Ask yourself how would you feel toward a dear friend or a loved one who was struggling with similar issues.

It's very easy for us to feel compassion for our friends.

So start cultivating self-compassion by seeing yourself from that perspective.

Be your own friend.

Do as you would advise others.

Remember a situation right now,

A situation of great suffering that you experienced.

Just think of anything from your past.

Whatever comes up first is fine.

Imagine it was told to you by a friend or better yet imagine that I'm standing there or sitting there across from you and telling it to you right now.

So imagine me telling you the whole story.

Imagine and hear every word coming out of my mouth.

I will give you a few seconds to play out the situation.

What's your feeling toward me and your advice for me in this particular situation that you imagined?

And how is that different from what you did to yourself in that exact situation?

It can also help to say or repeat a compassionate phrase.

Something that we do in formal meditation but it's something that you can also do in real life when difficult situations arise.

You can say,

May I feel better?

May I be free from suffering?

May this pain pass?

This well-wishing is integral to compassion.

After all,

Compassion is the desire to alleviate suffering.

By repeating those phrases gently you're reinforcing your intention.

You could be very specific about the suffering that you are in at that particular time.

Repeating and creating phrases like,

May I find a partner?

Or may this medicine help me?

Pay attention to how I am phrasing these.

I am not saying I have a partner if I don't.

Compassion is not about convincing ourselves that something is our reality.

If it's clearly not,

Then repeating such phrases can actually cause more suffering.

It's like telling a depressed person that life is actually really amazing if they just look very carefully,

They will realize it.

It backfires.

If you feel lonely,

Saying I have a partner is the direct opposite from what your situation is.

So you're leaving the reality of your suffering in order to come to a place that you don't believe is real.

So you're creating more suffering.

Compassion is about well-wishing.

It's not about manifesting anything or any kind of magic or convincing yourself of something.

Remember,

We plant a seed of compassion and watch it grow.

The may I phrases are like adding nutrients to your flower pot.

Let's try a small experiment right now.

Pay attention to how you're feeling.

What do you need?

Try to put it in words.

Be as concise as you can.

What do you need right now?

Now phrase it as a may I sentence and then gently and slowly repeat it a few times,

Observing how your body reacts.

Good job.

As this meditation slowly approaches its end,

I want to ask you to do one more thing to add a bit of embodiment on top of this experience.

Put your hand over your heart or on your cheek or over your belly,

Whatever you feel is right for you in this moment.

Just make sure that there is skin to skin contact.

You may even want to wrap your hands around yourself,

Giving yourself a hug.

Do it now and focus on what that feels like.

The warmth that comes from your skin.

Stay with it for a few moments and see what's happening.

If you can,

Amplify the feeling.

Let it really sink in deep.

If there's any resistance to this,

Just note the resistance and don't push it away.

Mindfulness is about being what is.

If resistance is what is,

Then so be it.

Observe it,

Let it be,

Learn from it.

See where it is in your body,

See what kinds of thoughts it comes with.

Well done.

I'm going to leave you with a quote by Pema Chodron,

A teacher that I greatly admire.

Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded.

It's a relationship between equals.

Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others.

Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.

So self-compassion allows for genuine compassion for others and compassion for others is a good start to develop self-compassion.

It's that seed we were talking about.

Thank you for taking the time to listen.

For a beginner to stay focused for this long,

That is well,

Well done.

I hope it was useful and I hope you're able to carry some of this into your day and treat yourself at least a little bit better.

Good luck.

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