Selfgentleness Step 5: Selfcare - Live Recording

This is the recording of Femke's Monthly Selfgentleness Live of 14 June 2024. In it, she discusses what Selfgentleness is, and how we can start a selfcare routine to support ourselves in becoming more and more selfgentle. Femke also answers questions of participants during the session, and ends with a guided meditation to let you experience for yourself what selfgentleness can bring you.

Transcript

Hello everyone,

Welcome to my monthly live,

My self-gentleness live.

I am here on Fridays once a month to tell you all about self-gentleness.

And every month I speak about a different topic.

And the topic today is self-care.

Self-care is a really important part of self-gentleness.

And I will get to that in a few minutes.

Let's just gather everyone together.

Let me know who you are,

Where you are in the world.

And maybe you want to tell me also why you're joining.

What is it that you want to know?

What is it that you want to learn?

What is it that you need right now?

Hi Jean,

Lovely to see you.

Hi Laurie.

Hi Annemiek.

Lovely that you're here and so nice that you're also greeting everyone else.

Hi Mary.

Hi Lauren.

Welcome.

Good morning to you from Australia.

Hi Thomas.

Oh,

I love that Thomas.

Thomas says,

Hello Femke.

Gentle ones.

Yeah.

Oh,

You,

We are the gentle ones.

I love that one.

Thank you so much,

Thomas.

Hi Jaco.

I see you saying it in Dutch.

Goedenavond.

Because,

Yeah,

I'm residing in the Netherlands.

I'm Dutch.

Yes,

You might hear from my accent.

Welcome Jaco.

Lovely that you're here.

Hi Karine from Belgium.

That's also pretty close.

Jean is from Chicago.

I love Chicago.

It's really beautiful.

I've been there twice already and I really love the city.

Hi Carolina.

So lovely that you are all here.

All right.

So my name is Femke Bakker and I am a self-gentleness teacher and I teach meditation here on Insight Timer.

I'm also a behavioral scientist and I study all kinds of things,

But especially also the impact of meditation on social and political behavior and also how meditation can help specific people within certain circumstances when it comes to politics and decision making.

But here today I'm as your self-gentleness teacher because at the core of everything I teach stands that I want you and everyone else to learn to become more gentle with ourselves because I really believe that the more gentle we become with ourselves,

The more we are able to look at ourselves with kindness,

With compassion,

With gentleness,

Even when we fall,

Even when we make mistakes,

Even when we fail,

Even when we are,

You know,

Our own human selves,

That the more gentle we are able to be with other people,

The more gentle we can get in our interactions with others.

So when you look at my courses here at Insight Timer,

You might see that they are all circling around that topic.

I have a course which is specific about self-gentleness in English and in Dutch.

And I have a course that will help you to peak your performance with less stress and more ease,

Which is of course related to the self-gentleness,

But then apply to there wherever you want to perform.

So this course is in English and in Dutch.

And then there are two courses in English.

One is called How to Deal with Challenging Opinions and Behaviors.

And I think this is a really important course these days.

Last week I had two interviews by journalists asking me about this topic because I also study this as a scientist,

The impact of loving-kindness meditation on tolerance,

Tolerance in society,

Tolerance within politics.

And we live in a highly polarized world,

And whatever you get from that or in the middle of that,

It can really help you to learn to deal,

How to deal with all those other people that have all those different ideas and opinions and behaviors and are doing things that we so disagree.

So it goes too far to go really deep into that.

But if you notice that you have trouble by reading the news,

If you have trouble with the polarized nature of things going on,

Then,

And you have a premium here on Insight Timer so you can get to the courses,

Then really try this course,

How to Deal with Challenging Opinions and Behaviors.

And I know some of you here did the course already.

I'm never,

Generally I'm not so much into the self-promotion here in my lives.

Well,

I mentioned I want you to follow me and to share my work,

And I will be happy when you donate to me and all those stuff.

When I was interviewed last week,

Twice actually about this topic,

I realized how so important it is that we become aware of who we are in this world and how we can take care of ourselves and how we can deal with being in a world where things are sometimes challenging.

So if this resonates with you,

Then check it out,

Not now,

After the live or maybe tomorrow.

And if it doesn't resonate with you,

That's also fine,

Of course.

Okay,

I just wanted to say that.

So let me check who else is here.

Emily,

Tanya,

John from Michigan,

Lovely to see you,

Gary,

I see Angela,

Lovely that you're here.

How are you?

Veronica from Curaçao.

I hope you have more sun there than there is here in the Netherlands.

Oh,

Lovely.

So all right,

Let's start this live of today.

So I'm a teacher of self-gentleness,

And it might be that you're here for the first time.

And if not,

Then it is never bad to hear it repeated.

I will give you my definition of self-gentleness.

It's a concept that I've coined some years ago,

Because I realized this is at the core of everything I teach.

And that is my definition,

Radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.

I will say it again,

Radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.

And I so love this definition,

Because we can all relate to being gentle to ourselves.

We all can remember a moment,

Few moments,

That we were gentle to ourselves,

Because we did something really good,

Or someone told us that we were kind to them,

And we felt,

You know,

Really good about ourselves.

We know these moments that we're gentle with ourselves.

But I would like you to start applying this gentleness on a radical basis,

So always.

So also when you trip and fall,

Also when you make mistakes,

Also when you do things that you are ashamed of,

Also when you do things that you think,

Oh,

That didn't deserve a really,

You know,

I really feel bad about that,

It is okay.

So radically being gentle with yourself,

And consistently.

So also when you are facing other people who might have expectations about you that you cannot live up to,

For whatever the reason is,

Because you are too tired,

Because you are too stressed out,

Because you don't feel like,

Because you have other things to do,

Or you have other priorities,

To not meet these expectations,

To be kind and gentle to yourself,

And to listen to what is going on with you,

And what is important to you right now.

Does that sound selfish?

Yes,

It does sound selfish.

Is it selfish?

No,

It is not.

And I will tell you why.

I often use the analogy of when you are going in an airplane.

Just before the take-off,

The cabin personnel tells you that in case of an emergency,

You have to do all kinds of things,

And there might be dropping these oxygen masks down,

And then they tell you,

You first put them on yourselves,

Only then you help others,

For instance,

Your children,

Who cannot do it by themselves.

And as a parent,

You might think,

Well,

I have to help my kids first,

But it is a really sound advice,

Because if you don't have oxygen to breathe,

You cannot help someone else.

The same goes with the self-gentleness.

If you don't carve out the time and the space and the attention that you need to relax,

To let go of stress,

To sleep,

To rest,

To be with yourself,

To get inside and tune in to feel what is going on within,

Then in the end you deplete yourself when you continue to run for others.

So consistently means that before you live up to the expectations that others have of you,

And mind you,

Mostly the expectations others have are expectations that you have about yourself vis-a-vis those others,

But that's a different topic,

That you first tune in to see if you really have this room,

If this is something that you can do.

If this is something that you have the power and the energy for,

Or that you can do it under certain conditions,

Et cetera,

Going on.

So this is my definition,

Radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.

So if you've been here or if you've listened to the recordings of my lives,

Who are all in my track list here on Insight Timer,

You heard me already speak about self-gentleness in relation to very different topics.

So today I will speak about self-care.

So this life is really about you and what it is that you need.

So my self-gentleness routine,

The one that I teach everyone,

So if you take my course here on Insight Timer,

This is also what you will be learning from me.

What is that you learn to tune in with yourself so you can feel what is going on with your body,

With your emotions,

With your mind,

With your soul,

To honor what is going on there,

To acknowledge it,

And then to try to feel what it is that you need right now to help yourself,

To improve how you're feeling,

To feel a little bit better even if it is just in relation to how you were feeling that you start to probe what it is that you need.

So the exercises I have for that,

You can find it in the course,

It's an evening practice where you first let go of everything,

You focus on the things you're grateful for,

And then you set the intention that tomorrow is going to be a new day.

Tomorrow is going to be a day where you do not drag everything you were worrying about,

Everything that went on,

Everything you saw on the news,

Everything that happened at your work,

In your relationship,

In your family,

Whatever is going on,

You leave it behind and you set the intention to wake up in a new day.

A new day where all opportunities,

All possibilities are open again.

And then the first thing that you do when you wake up,

You still have your eyes closed,

You greet yourself with love and gentleness,

You say,

Hi darling,

How are you?

Good morning,

How did you sleep?

And you answer yourself and you listen to the answer,

And then the next question is,

What is it that you need right now?

And that answer,

I'll promise you,

Will be there.

And that is often where our not-so-gentleness starts in the morning,

Because at that point we say,

Yeah,

But I don't have time for that,

Or I cannot do that now,

Or that is too much.

Because very often when we wake up,

Especially when we are in this process of becoming more gentle with ourselves and we cross our own boundaries,

Very often we wake up and we think,

I need to snooze the alarm clock more,

I need to sleep more.

And then the next thought is,

Oh,

What am I thinking?

I don't have time for that,

I have to get up,

I have to do this,

My kids are waiting,

My boss is waiting,

My deadlines are waiting.

So a question I get often in my course and from my self-gentleness students is,

So if I tune in with myself and I notice that I need something right now,

But I cannot see that I have the time or the opportunity to do it at that moment,

Then that's okay.

It wouldn't be gentle to bang yourself on the head by saying,

I cannot do it.

It would also not be good to just do it and knowing that you will get in problems later.

That's also not self-gentle.

What is the most self-gentle moment is to acknowledge that this is your need right now,

And that you promise yourself you will come back to it as soon as you can.

So for instance,

You wake up and you feel you need more sleep,

But you know you cannot because things are expected of you,

Then you can say to yourself,

Okay,

I know I'm tired,

So what I will do,

I will take a nice walk during lunch in the woods,

Or I will cancel that dinner date tonight and will go to bed early,

Or I will not do all the groceries and the cooking and the cleaning today,

I will just come home and order a pizza or so,

Or whatever it is that you want,

And just know that the need that you might feel in every moment can be different every time.

So waking up can be one moment I want to go back to sleep.

The next day it can be,

Ooh,

I want coffee.

The day after it can be,

Ooh,

I just want to kiss my kids before they go to school.

And another day it might be,

Hmm,

I really feel like going to work.

And whatever it is,

It is okay.

You don't have to be consistent,

You can just go with it.

The third practice I teach in this course is to tune in regular,

And it can be just in one minute,

Just to tune in.

How is my body feeling?

Do I have pain somewhere?

Do I have some tension somewhere?

What can I do to help myself?

How is it with my emotions?

How is it with the feelings in my belly?

Am I stressed?

Am I maybe angry or sad or happy?

What is going on?

To just learn to acknowledge what is going on inside of us.

And the beauty is that when we start to tune in on a regular basis at night,

In the morning,

And during the day,

And this really,

These are practices of just a few minutes,

Right?

This is not hours and hours,

Because we don't have time for that.

It's just a matter of one,

Two,

Three,

Maximum of five minutes,

But you can adjust as well,

And do it in just one minute,

That we learn to acknowledge what is going on within us,

And that we start to embrace that,

To honor it,

And to acknowledge it.

And then we start to feel,

That's an automatic spillover effect,

We start to feel what we don't want anymore.

And that's sometimes really hard,

Because when we feel what we don't want,

We get a lot of resistance,

And it starts to ache in your body,

It starts to bug you in your head when you know that you don't want something.

But the beauty of knowing what you don't want,

Is to find out what you do want.

And by regularly tuning in,

And trying to acknowledge and honor what is going on within,

At a certain moment,

It's like the curtains open,

And you start to know also what you do want.

So is this an art you can learn?

Yes.

Is this an art you can master?

Yes.

And what does it mean when you master the art of self-gentleness?

Are you then self-gentle 24x7?

No way.

No one is self-gentle 24x7.

I call myself a master of self-gentleness,

But I'm not self-gentle 24x7.

Why am I a master in it?

Because I notice it when I'm not.

And then I know it's my job to find a way back to self-gentleness.

And sometimes realizing that is enough.

And sometimes it takes me a few hours,

A few days,

And in certain topics maybe even longer.

But that is okay,

Because I'm self-gentle.

And I think acknowledging and knowing that this journey of becoming more and more self-gentle is like a lifelong work-in-progress process that you started maybe some time ago,

Maybe right now.

And the beauty is it will become easier,

It will become more fun,

And so many opportunities and beautiful things will come on your way when you start this process.

And sometimes it will be easy,

And sometimes it will not be so easy,

But you will get deeper and deeper and better at it.

And that is when you master self-gentleness,

By knowing when you're not and knowing that you will have to find your way back to becoming self-gentle again.

Okay,

Self-care.

This is the topic of today.

And self-care is really important because this is about that tuning in and knowing what it is that you need.

So I could give you a lot of tips and say,

Well,

You could do this and that and search and that,

But then I would assume that you're all the same.

And I know that you are not all the same.

As a behavioral scientist,

I study the differences between people,

The beauty in the differences between people.

So there is not one recipe.

Well,

The keys I just gave you,

There's this tuning in that you can learn in that course or you can pick it up from what I told you right now.

The key is in understanding what it is and trying to do that.

So I will give you a framework for that,

For the self-care.

When it's about self-gentleness,

I think we can categorize all topics that we need to become more self-gentle in four.

One is our body,

What is going on in our body.

We are very often quite tough on our bodies.

So I know this,

So I have to sit a lot behind a computer and write,

And then I get this tension in my shoulders and in my arms and start to really hurt.

And then I realize,

Oof,

I should not do this.

I should make breaks.

I should stretch.

I should move.

I should go for a walk and make these big moves,

Stuff like that.

Even more,

When we get a stress response because something that happens,

This is always,

We can always feel this in the body,

But it's something that we ignore.

Or people who stand on their feet or are doing work that they have to walk a lot or they have to stand a lot,

Then how often do you have pain in your feet and you just continue to go on and go on.

And those are just some of the examples.

Well,

When we become gentle with our bodies and acknowledge what our bodies need,

Our bodies are really kind to us.

Our bodies are basically here as our beautiful vessels to just experience our surroundings,

To have our senses of touch,

Our sight,

Our ears,

Our smell,

Our taste.

And there are so many other senses.

I think there's a list of 30 already by now that we all use while we are in our bodies.

So our bodies are the vehicles to basically realize that we are here,

That we can connect with the earth,

That we can connect with the people around us,

That we can enjoy our senses.

When we eat something,

We can taste.

When we walk past flowers,

We can smell this beautiful thing that nature makes for us.

We can experience that through our eyes,

Our ears.

Have you ever walked in a wood and just smelled how the ground smells?

You heard the rustling of the leaves and the birds,

Maybe a woodpecker.

And then you feel the breeze on your skin and you feel how your feet are on the ground.

And have you ever kicked off your shoes and just put your feet in the dirt to just feel how you're connected to the earth?

You might have done this,

But you also might think right now,

Oh,

That sounds so good,

I want to do that.

Or I want to go to the beach,

Take off my shoes,

Put my feet in the sand and feel the salt water run over my feet.

These are all very sensual things that we can experience with our bodies.

But instead,

We eat something while we watch television and we don't really realize what we are eating.

We are speaking about myself,

Cramping behind the computer,

Getting all kinds of pains in my body.

We are very tough on our bodies.

Well these are these beautiful vehicles to help us.

So self-care of our bodies is really beautiful.

There is this really lovely practice that I was taught when I was in my meditation teacher training and that is from the Vedic tradition.

It is basically a way where you massage yourself.

You start at your head.

You can do it with oil,

But you can also do it without oil.

And basically you start to stroke every part of your body in a really nice way and you work your way all the way to your toes.

And I was told to do this at least once a week,

Preferably every day.

And at first I felt a bit weird about it and I felt oil in my head.

So they said,

Well,

You can also do it without oil.

And I realized it was even better without oil because with oil you had the idea that you put something on your skin like a body lotion or an oil which is really moisturizing your skin.

This is something that you might be familiar with.

But just not doing that and just caressing yourself and just with gentleness understanding that this is your body,

This is your vessel,

This is something that it is really beautiful to love and that is something that might be also something that is hard for us to love our bodies,

To love the way we look,

However we look.

So this is a really beautiful practice.

So what I have done already some time ago,

And you might have downloaded this already,

But if you go to my profile here on Insight Timer,

There's a link and then on the top of this link you can download a free self-gentleness checklist.

And the beauty of this checklist is that it is for these four parts,

The body,

The mind,

The heart and the soul.

I have some practices I mentioned that you could do and you could check them off per day.

And you don't have to do them all.

You can just pick and choose,

But there are also some practices there.

And in some workshops that I gave on Insight Timer,

I had some more of those checklists.

And I remember one of those for the body was really take off your shoes once and put your feet in the dirt or in the sand or in the grass and just notice what is happening.

And you don't even have to do it outside.

You can just also here take off your shoes and feel your feet on the ground.

Just bring the attention to your feet on the ground and feel what is going on there.

All right.

So then we have,

Of course,

The mind.

If someone asks what is the best way to become self-gentle,

Then I would always say learn to meditate.

Use meditation.

And why is that?

Because meditation is training your mental muscle.

It is training your ability to acknowledge,

To understand what you're thinking,

What is going on in your head.

And also you learn to let go of that attention to whatever you're thinking and bring your attention back to the meditation technique that you use.

So there are like 200,

000 meditations here on Insight Timer from 20,

000 beautiful teachers.

So whatever way you want to meditate,

You can find it here.

If you really want to learn it by yourself,

If you do not do so already,

Then you could also check out my course.

It's in Dutch and in English and it's called Find a Meditation Technique That Fits You.

That's the Dutch,

Actually,

Beginner's Guide to Meditation is the English one.

And there I teach you eight different meditation techniques that you could try out.

I give you all the basics of any meditation technique and you can try them out.

And I also explain to you how you can continue with that.

So a lot of people would then say,

Well,

I don't have time to meditate.

When I tell myself that I don't have time to meditate,

I always answer myself,

You don't have time not to meditate because it's a really important part.

It's like when you can do a lot of pushups and you stop doing pushups,

It will become harder to do pushups.

The same is with meditation.

It's training a mental muscle.

It's becoming aware of your thoughts and then letting go of them.

But I also think that you should do it in a way that fits you,

That is easy for you,

That is pleasant for you,

Because otherwise you need a lot of discipline to continue.

And most people are not so good with discipline.

I'm not good with discipline.

I really don't like discipline because I'm not good at it,

Because I find it boring to be disciplined.

So how do I do my things?

Because I do have deadlines,

I do have things to do.

Well,

I always try to find my flow.

And this has a lot to do with self-gentleness.

I'm trying to make myself feel good,

To know that things that I have to do will come at the right moment and that I will find my flow,

It will be really easy to do so.

And for me,

Learning to meditate once was really finding a meditation technique that was really easy for me,

So easy that it was pleasant to do.

And then I just started doing it a few minutes a day,

And then I noticed that I stuck much longer to it,

Because it was so pleasant.

But I didn't ask for myself the discipline to do it for a long time,

I just told myself I would do it every day,

But just for one or two minutes,

That would be enough.

And then before I knew it,

I meditated for 20 minutes,

And it became really,

Really easy to do it on a regular basis.

So,

But in the end,

Meditation is a really great way to come to that part where you can really know what is going on within you.

So self-care,

Meditation is a really important part of that.

And of course,

I speak to an easy audience,

Because you're all here on Insight Timer,

Which is the wellness app with so many meditations.

Then we have our heart,

And our heart,

With our heart I mean our emotions.

Emotions are physical expressions of things that you are feeling,

Very often in relation to our thoughts,

Often also in relation to things that other people are doing,

But in a sense they're always connected with our thoughts around that.

If someone is angry at us,

Then we have thoughts about it,

And those thoughts are very often,

Oh,

I did something wrong,

And now they're upset,

And we start to fret around all those things,

And this triggers an emotion,

And it now sounds like this takes minutes,

But this is like a split second that it happens.

So there are always thoughts in between.

So first of all,

When you start to meditate,

You learn to let go of those thoughts,

Which makes it easier to be with those emotions.

Learning to be with your emotions is one of the harder things to do,

Especially when those emotions are unpleasant,

And you might hear me choosing the word unpleasant rather than negative emotions or positive emotions,

Because the word negative and positive indicates that something is good or bad,

And all emotions are good.

All emotions are expressions of something that is going on within us.

It's a message,

Basically,

Of how kind or unkind we are with ourselves,

How gentle or un-gentle we are with ourselves.

When an emotion feels pleasant,

Then we have thoughts and ideas and things going on that make us feel gentle towards ourselves.

If our emotions are unpleasant,

We are thinking things,

Doing things,

Hearing things,

Experiencing things that are not gentle for ourselves.

So in a sense,

You can see your emotion almost like a compass,

Like a guidance,

A guide that will tell you if you're gentle with yourself or you're not gentle with yourself.

So that's invaluable.

When you think of it,

It's an invaluable aspect of your human being,

That your emotions will tell you that you are basically gentle or not gentle with yourself.

That's a good guide,

Right?

So if you ever doubt if you're gentle or not gentle with yourself,

Then just check how you're feeling.

If you're feeling good,

You're pretty gentle.

If you're feeling unpleasant,

Then you might not be so gentle,

And it might be good to start finding the feelings in your body,

In your mind,

In your heart,

To slowly,

Slowly let go of that unpleasantness.

Bring yourself back to a more neutral stance to calm down and relax and ease.

So also for this,

I have practices in this checklist.

And then of course,

The last part is our spirit or our soul,

Our inner being,

Whatever word you want to put on it.

And with this,

I basically mean that you allow yourself to be inspired,

That you allow yourself to be who you are,

And that you start to know and feel deeply why it is that you are here in this world.

And I know a lot of people might think,

Oh,

I'm here in this world to do a certain job or be a parent or whatever it is.

It is all good.

It can also change.

It can also be that when you're a kid,

You think that you're really,

Really,

Really here to become a famous rock singer.

And it can also be that when you're 25,

That you are here to be the best parent in the world.

And it can also be that when you're 40,

You're here to be the best baker in the world and make the most beautiful pastries for everyone.

It can change.

Most important is that you are feeling that the things that you're doing in your life,

And it doesn't just have to be your job.

It can be the way you relate to other people,

The way you treat animals,

The way you treat nature,

The way you are in your society,

The way you are with your neighbors,

The way you are with yourself,

That that is it.

I think by now,

I'm now 52 years old,

And I think that most important thing that I want to do,

That I feel really guided to do,

Is to make people aware that they are human and that with every decision they ever make,

Every choice,

Everything they ever feel,

That they always have the choice to choose for love or to choose for fear,

And that I so hope I want to give people the tools to understand that they can choose love,

Gentleness for themselves,

And also for others,

And I think the best way I bring this,

The best place where I express this is this place here on Insight Timer.

All right,

So self-care varies for everyone.

Self-care is really about who you are and what it is that you need right now,

And the best way to know what is the best way to care for yourself is to learn to listen to what is going on within you,

In your body,

In your emotional world,

In your head,

In your spirit,

In your soul,

In your whole being,

And to acknowledge what it is that you need,

And everyone has a different way of getting there.

That is basically the self-care,

And I realize that I'm telling you this,

It is not so practical,

But at the same time,

It is the most practical advice that I can say,

Because of course I can say to everyone,

Take off your shoes and put them in the dirt and feel how nature is treating you,

And I think most of you will really like that,

But some of you will not like it and think,

Such a stupid advice,

Can't I do something else?

So then I tell you,

Well,

Go meditate every day for two minutes,

Pick a meditation technique that fits you,

That is good for you,

You could do my course,

Or a different course,

Or use a guided meditation and do that,

And a lot of people will like that,

But some will say no.

And then I say,

Well,

Maybe try then that massage,

That body massage,

It's a Sanskrit word and I completely forgot it,

So this is my age,

No problem,

I will put it in my meditation group here on Insight Time,

The self-gentleness group later,

What is the name,

Abhiyanga it's called,

Yes,

But some people will not like that,

Right,

So it is all good,

I think that's the most important part,

Tune in with yourself,

Feel what it is that you need,

And it is all good,

Even when what you need might be at first sight not so good for you right now,

This is a way to work yourself towards things that are good,

That are better,

That are getting you where you want,

Be gentle with yourself.

All right,

So there are a lot of comments and questions,

I don't know if they are questions,

I see a lot of comments,

So I just hope that you had a good chat and that you are saying lovely things to each other,

I will tell you,

If you still have a specific question after this live,

We can do it in the end,

So you can ask me then,

And if I don't get to your question or you feel that I didn't get to it,

Then really after the live,

Go to my Femke self-gentleness group,

It's a group here on Insight Timer,

Where you can become a member if you are not yet,

And then you can always put your question there and I can answer it.

All right,

What I want to do now,

Because I was speaking a lot,

I was telling you a lot,

But I also know that my words have only a certain power,

And that you experiencing for yourself how you can support yourself is way stronger,

And what I was thinking of today,

That I will take you into a visualization,

Where we are going to find ease for our body,

And ease for our mind,

And we are just going to let our soul,

Our spirit,

Tell us what it is that we would really,

Really love to do right now.

Let's just get in touch with ourselves,

With ease and flow,

And just feel good,

To relax.

How does that sound?

Yeah?

You want to join me?

All right.

So,

Let's start.

So,

Let's just start to just sit,

And sit in a way that is easy for you.

So if you can lean against the back of your chair,

Or the sofa,

Or maybe if you feel like lying down,

That's also fine.

You might fall asleep,

But if that is what you need,

That's your self-care right now.

And unless you really love to have your legs crossed,

Then put your feet on the ground.

And if you're wearing shoes or socks,

It doesn't matter so much,

But just become aware of how your feet are on the ground.

It's just a whole foot on the ground.

You bring your attention to your feet,

Maybe you close your eyes,

It's easier then to bring your attention to your feet.

And you feel all the different points on your feet that are touching the ground.

And what is really,

Really pleasant is when you imagine that from your feet roots are growing into the earth.

So you might be up in an apartment block,

Like 17 floors up.

That's fine.

You know,

Your roots just grow into the ground,

All the way down.

Just imagine all those beautiful roots,

They're going down and wide.

You know,

Trees,

The crown of a tree,

They always say that this shows how wide also the roots are.

So all your roots are also really going wide,

As wide as your arms can reach to the sides,

All the way down.

And you can imagine those roots growing in the depth of the earth,

All the way down till they meet this beautiful fiery core of earth that makes our earth spinning.

In my head it is a beautiful orange,

Warm,

Yellow color,

This fiery,

Fiery earth power.

And now I imagine that this is just shooting up into the roots,

All the way up.

And this is not hot now,

This is beautiful earth power,

This is strong,

This is supportive,

This is the earth below us.

Because no matter what is going on,

We can always trust that we can walk the earth.

We can walk on this beautiful earth that is spinning in orbit around the sun,

And again and again,

Supporting us,

Carrying us,

Being there for us.

You can trust on the earth just to be there,

Right?

Whatever is going on in your life,

How bad or how good it is,

You are on this planet earth,

And she spins for us,

She carries us,

She supports us.

And by you feeling that power,

That earth power,

That mother power,

That supporting power,

Flowing up all the way into those roots,

And now they enter your feet,

And into your feet they go up and up,

Into your calves,

Your knees,

Into your upper legs,

Into your buttocks,

Your pelvis,

Filling the whole of your belly,

Going up next to your spine,

Filling your chest,

Your lungs,

Your shoulders,

Shooting through your arms.

It's like shooting out of your fingers also,

And it's going up into your neck,

Filling your head,

And the energy,

This beautiful earth energy is now like a fountain coming out of the crown of your head.

And just sit here for a moment,

Being aware of how this beautiful energy is shooting up through those roots into your body,

Through your body,

Flushing everything that feels unpleasant the way it might be,

That you want to move your body a little bit,

That you feel that you want to move the cheeks of your buttocks,

Or your shoulders,

Your arms,

Your back.

Maybe you just want to sit still and you just feel this energy running through you.

Can you feel the supporting power,

The grounding power?

Can you become aware of your body now,

And that you might feel some tension here and there?

And if you do,

Then bring your attention there.

Just send all this earth energy to your shoulders if you feel the pain there,

And feel how they soften the muscles,

Soften the tendons,

Soften the ligaments,

The fascia.

Everything becomes soft and gentle.

If you have a frown in your forehead,

Then just send this energy there and feel how your face softens.

If you don't know what to do with your hands,

Just have them laying in your lap,

Relaxed.

Or if you feel like you can also put them on your heart,

Which is also a possibility.

It feels good,

Right,

To feel this connection with your body,

With the earth.

All right,

Now,

Let's just imagine that above us is the beautiful sun,

Our sun.

The sun is shining and the warmth is just right,

It's not too hot,

It's not too cold.

Now imagine that this beautiful sunlight is entering the crown of your head,

It's filling your head,

It's filling your neck,

It's getting into your shoulders,

Shooting through your arms,

Out of your fingers,

And also into your chest,

Filling your chest,

Going down,

Filling your belly,

All your belly,

Your pelvis,

Your cheeks of your buttocks,

Into your upper legs,

Into your knees,

Going down to your calves,

Into your feet,

And now this beautiful sunlight is warm,

Not too warm,

But so loving,

So inspiring,

So energizing.

It's now shooting into those roots that we just grew,

And it's shooting down all the way until it comes to this fiery core of earth,

And there it mixes.

And this is the beauty,

That we use our beautiful bodies,

Our vessels now,

To connect the power of the earth with the power of the sun.

The power of the earth,

Which is grounding us,

Nurturing us,

Caressing us,

Supporting us,

And the power of the sun,

Which is just inspiring,

And warming,

And loving,

And putting us in the sunlight,

Putting us in the light of our own being.

And this is now mixing in the core of the earth,

And while it's mixed,

It shoots up again into the roots,

Into your feet,

Into your calves,

Your knees,

Your legs,

Your buttocks,

Your pelvis,

Your belly,

Your chest,

Your arms,

And shoulders,

Your neck,

And your head,

And out of the crown of your head.

And just like it can be really pleasant to stand under a running shower,

Now just be for a moment,

And just let this sun energy and earth energy just run through you.

And if you find it hard to relate to the principle,

Then just try to see it as a flow through you.

And if you find it too metaphysical,

That's fine,

And just know that this is a way to become aware of your body in the here and now,

Because you go over all the places in your body.

And if you do like the metaphysical part of this,

Then just enjoy this energy flowing through you,

Supporting you,

Lighting you up.

All right,

Now,

Let's put our hands on our chest and feel our heart for a moment.

Now imagine that all that energy,

This beautiful mixed energy,

Is now moving towards your heart,

Filling your heart.

The heart is in the center of your body,

So gentle,

So loving,

When you make the connection with your heart,

You can become so soft inside,

So aware of your own gentleness.

All your gentleness rests in your heart.

Let us feed our hearts with this beautiful energy,

And let's spread this softness throughout our body and beyond.

So just imagine that your heart is filled with this energy,

And now it starts to expand like a bubble that grows into your body.

It grows,

It fills your whole body,

Your upper body,

Into your arms,

Your legs,

And now it even goes around you.

It's like you are in this bubble now,

Right now,

And this bubble expands,

And it all comes from your heart,

In the middle of your heart,

All this gentle,

Soft love,

This gentleness,

This softness,

This vulnerability in such a beautiful way.

This is you,

This is you spreading your love,

And you fill now the whole room that you are in with your love.

Take a deep breath in,

When you breathe out,

You just let it expand even more until you encompass the whole building that you are in,

Whether it's a big flat or just your house,

It doesn't matter,

Just expand it.

And with the next in-breath and out-breath,

You expand even more until you encompass your whole town or city,

And let it grow,

Let it grow bigger until it's all around your country.

And you can just imagine that when this light,

This love,

This softness of you spreads,

It touches every person,

Every being,

And some of these people might just smile right now because your love is touching them and they don't know it's you,

But it doesn't matter,

You are spreading your love.

And with your next in- and out-breath,

Let it expand even more until it encompasses your whole country.

And with your next in-breath and out-breath,

You let it expand even more until it encompasses the whole continent that you are on.

And when you imagine that,

You might become aware of all these people,

There are people in Australia,

New Zealand,

In Europe,

In the Netherlands,

In Belgium,

In the UK,

In America,

In Canada,

In South America,

And all the countries I didn't mention,

Yet all those people right here are doing this,

And we might be aware of all our love spreading and touching each other and all together we make this one big bubble around the earth.

Can you see this?

And if you don't see it in your mind's eye,

Then maybe you know it or you feel it.

Just use your fantasy in a way that suits you.

Just feel how your love is now all around planet earth and it's mingling and mixing and companion with the love and the softness and gentleness of everyone right here,

Right now.

We are so connected,

We are all together in this,

It's really moving me,

It's so touching me to feel you all guys,

To feel you doing this together.

And let's just all know that being so connected is so much more powerful than to fight and to polarize and to hate and to push against and to have resistance.

Let's just feel our connection,

Let's just be human together,

Let's just be gentle for our humanity,

Our flaws,

Our problems,

Our traumas,

Our hurts,

Our failings,

Our inability to connect sometimes.

Let's just know that now we can connect because we want to.

This is self-care you guys,

Knowing that you are love and that you can feel this love in yourself,

Supported by your environment,

By the earth,

By the sun,

By nature and that you can connect with other people.

And you don't have to know that you connect with them,

You don't have to force them to connect with you,

You don't have to expect them to connect with you because you can connect with others like you do right now,

Like we all do right now.

I really feel very touched and moved by knowing that we are doing this together.

All right,

Let's now bring our attention slowly back to ourselves while we keep this connectedness,

This awareness of how connected we are.

Let's just bring the energy back to your continent,

Your country,

Your town or city,

Your building,

Your room,

Your body and your heart.

And put your hands on your heart again for a moment.

Can you feel the connection with everyone here?

And basically every being on this planet,

We're just connected with every being on this planet.

All right,

Now let's go to the last part of this visualization.

Imagine now that you set yourself down in a really comfortable chair,

Or maybe you want to lie down on a bed or something.

That's also fine.

And I would like you now to imagine that you are in a place,

The place where you love to be the most right now.

So maybe that is the bed of your childhood.

Maybe this is in the arms of your loved one.

Maybe this is in this green meadow you walk by.

Maybe this is just your comfortable chair.

Maybe this is walking on the beach.

Whatever the place is and everything is fine,

Whatever it is,

Maybe you're playing billiard,

Maybe you are in your favorite pub,

Wherever it is,

It is okay.

Just imagine yourself being there right now,

Feeling good,

Feeling relaxed,

Realizing that life can be easy even when the going gets tough.

You can bring yourself here,

In your head,

And truly,

Truly,

That can be enough.

It can be enough.

It can be enough to help you feel good,

To let your body find the ease and the relaxing,

To let your emotions calm down and become neutral and maybe even pleasant.

To connect with who you truly are and start to feel what you don't want so you can start to define what you do want.

When we want to tune in and listen to ourselves,

Which is so important,

What is often in our way is the rush that we're in,

The tension that we feel,

The pressure,

The expectations.

At such a point,

It's really,

Really hard to carve out the moment for yourself to actually do it.

The more often you train yourself to tune in and to listen to what is going on and to make sure that you acknowledge what it is that you need right now or a little bit later if you cannot do it right now,

It will make you more vulnerable,

It will make you more sensitive,

But it will also make you more whole as a person and then you can start to take care of yourself.

Because if you cannot connect with what it is that you need right now,

It is way harder to take care of yourself.

And then the self-care can be in taking things that are not so good for you to help yourself while first acknowledging what it is right now might be really,

Really the best first way to go.

So I'm really curious if you want to let me know later where you were,

Where you felt relaxing,

If you saw yourself relaxing there.

If you like,

You can also stay there and hang out there a little bit more,

Fantasize what it is that you're going to do next.

One of the beautiful things is when you're going to sleep and you cannot sleep is just do this,

Bring yourself,

Even your fantasy to the place where you love to be and just enjoy it and imagine what you want to do next and next and before you know it,

You are asleep.

Alright,

So if you're lying down and you want to go to sleep,

Go to sleep.

If you're still fantasizing your favorite spot,

Then stay there if you like.

But if you want to come out of the meditation or you want to do some other stuff after this,

Then just take a moment to bring your attention back to you and your body here and now.

Feel your feet again on the ground,

Your buttocks on the seat,

Your back against the back of the chair.

Feel your hands in your lap,

You can even wiggle your fingers and stretch them and hold your hands together,

You can wiggle your toes,

Stretch your spine and then you take your own time to get back here and open your eyes,

But in your own time.

You can take one minute,

Two minutes,

I'll be waiting here for you.

If there is a question that you would like to ask,

You could put it in the comments,

I will try to answer it and if I miss it,

Because there are a lot of comments,

Then come to my Femke Self-Gentleness group here on Insight Timer and ask me later.

Hi Cherry,

Lovely that you could join.

Laura says,

You don't know how much you help me with the questions in the morning,

Thank you.

Oh,

I'm so happy to hear that Laura,

Thank you for sharing that.

So the Self-Gentleness is something that I created during my life,

Because I needed this as a person and last year I spoke in a TEDx talk about that,

I recorded the text of that also for here on Insight Timer,

So you can hear it here on Insight Timer,

If you like.

And there I tell you a little bit about my personal background and how I got to Self-Gentleness.

And I'm so happy to hear that these practices are also helping other people,

Which means really a lot to me,

So thank you for sharing that so much.

Luan was bobbing in the ocean,

Wow,

That's beautiful,

Thank you so much for sharing that,

That's really beautiful.

Peace,

Thank you so much,

My heart is full,

I love these practical tips,

I'm so happy with that,

Thank you so much Peace for sharing that.

Annemiek says,

In the visualization I was in the arms of my late mother,

Oh,

That's so beautiful Annemiek,

And I'm so glad for you that you could really feel that.

When someone transitions,

Then,

You know,

It's sometimes really hard to realize that in a sense they are still with us,

And what you did with your visualization was creating that sense,

That feeling,

So I'm so glad that you did that,

And that felt so good.

Thank you for sharing that,

Because that's a really personal thing to say,

Thank you.

Angela was camping with your daughters,

Oh,

I so love that,

That's really,

Really nice.

Peter,

Indeed needed to be self-gentle today,

Again over my boundaries,

So tired,

Oh,

Peter.

So it's good that you feel that,

It's not nice for you that you crossed your boundaries,

However,

The fact that you realize that this is what you did,

And that you realize,

Hey,

I have to find my way to self-gentleness,

That is great,

That is the process,

Right?

So the awareness,

And then the trying to get there,

And if you don't get there immediately,

That's okay,

You are on your way.

So that's a really nice progress,

Thank you for sharing that,

Peter.

Thank you,

Laura,

Lovely and deep,

You say,

Thank you so much.

P says,

I was by the mountain stream where my grandmother lived.

Oh,

I can almost see that,

That is so beautiful,

The mountain stream.

So in last April,

We traveled in California,

Which is so beautiful,

And there we hiked in the mountains,

And there you had beautiful mountain streams that we sometimes had to cross even,

So you immediately bring me back to those mountain streams where I so loved to be,

So thank you for that,

You're giving me my memory.

Thomas,

Okay,

He says something to Laura and Cherry,

Yes,

I think they were speaking about my morning meditation,

So you can do my self-gentleness course,

Where I offer this practice of the evening,

The morning,

And the tuning in,

In bits,

Meditations of three minutes each,

But in my free tracks,

I have similar practices also that you can find,

They are called self-gentleness,

So wake up with a loving morning practice,

That's the morning routine,

Self-gentleness evening practice is the evening practice,

And self-gentleness tuning in,

So these are in the free tracks,

If you cannot do the course,

Then you could do those.

If you do have a premium,

Then I would really love for you also to do the course,

Because I think the courses are really comprehensive to do,

And also,

Frankly,

The courses on Inside Timer,

When people have premium and they take the courses,

We are getting paid for the place in the courses,

And by getting paid for those,

I can bring the free stuff also,

We're here in my tracks,

Like the lives,

For instance,

So that way,

We keep the wheel spinning of Inside Timer of all the teachers,

And also my meditation wheels here,

So I thought it would be good to be transparent about that.

Alright,

Mimi says,

Thank you,

Thank you,

Thank you,

Namaste,

Thank you,

Mimi,

I so love for you to say that,

Thank you so much.

P says,

Femke,

I have a huge smile on my face,

That's beautiful,

With,

Yeah,

I see the mountains.

Thank you,

Arlene.

Alright,

So,

Thomas says,

I was hoping around the galaxy with AMD,

A spirit saying hello and we're all gentle,

And I also go into a fantasy,

Different places,

Beach,

I love water,

The sea,

Rivers,

Lakes,

And a fantasy about finding a partner.

That's beautiful,

Thomas,

Thank you so much for sharing that,

And it's really beautiful that you have such a large imagination,

I find using your imagination,

Whether it's in your mind's eye or just in your knowing or sensing,

Is such a beautiful way to feel better because we can make our world,

If it doesn't look so nice around us,

We can make our world a nicer place in our own minds,

In our own beings,

To make us feel better,

And it is okay to do that,

Because when you help yourself to feel better,

It is easier to be out there and do the things that you want to do,

Really.

Rose says,

Thank you so much,

Femke,

Feeling depleted in heavy times,

You remind me and give me the tools to get my power back.

I'm so glad to hear that,

Rose,

So if you're feeling depleted in heavy times,

That is really,

Really hard,

So I'm so happy that you feel like that.

P says,

Your memories of the California mountains remind me of when I went to the California forest as a child with my parents,

What a wonderful memory for me,

Too,

Thank you for the sharing.

Oh,

I love that,

You know,

And that is,

I believe,

Because we were just connected all around the earth,

Right,

And then we just start to share our memories,

That's beautiful.

Thomas says,

As long as we don't get too divorced from reality,

No,

And that is why grounding your feet,

Being in the forest,

An actual forest,

Feeling nature,

Being in your body will let you be in reality,

But it is you in this reality,

And the misery you create in your head is also another reality.

So I think it's a really important point that I want to,

And I will close off with this,

So when you are in nature,

For instance,

Right,

And with all your senses,

You hear,

You see everything that is going on,

So you're here and now,

And then suddenly you think,

Ooh,

There might be a bear,

And if a bear is there,

Ooh,

It's going to eat me,

And suddenly you change your reality because you think of the possibility there might be a bear that might come and eat you,

And your whole body responds to these thoughts,

And actually there's nothing going on in this reality,

But in your head you create this bear.

So bring your attention back to your body,

Being in this reality is really,

Really a good thing,

Right?

But the same goes for bringing your mind to nice things,

Because then you help yourself to be in this reality and to look out in the world and to also know that you are okay.

But of course,

Just living in your fantasy might give you the feeling that you are not living this life,

And that would be a pity,

Because you don't have this body for nothing,

If you wouldn't have this body,

You would be all the time fantasizing,

But you do have this body to experience reality,

To try to make it good for you and work for you,

And don't spend too much on worrying and feeling,

Fearing the future,

Worrying about the past and all those things.

But it's a balance,

Yes,

It's a delicate balance.

So Sierre,

Thank you for sharing that.

All right,

So,

Wow,

One minute ten,

We're going to stop.

I will just close off with saying that my next live will be not on the second Friday of July,

But the first Friday of July,

The fifth of July,

Friday fifth,

Same time.

And the topic is Dealing with Expectations.

Well,

I said already a lot about that,

So you might catch my drift,

And if you want to know more,

You will join me in a month.

Then the next live will be the second of August,

So that's the first Friday of August also,

And that topic will be Honoring Unpleasant Emotions.

So we spoke about that today,

But there we will really dive into how can you do that actually,

Honoring unpleasant emotions.

And then on the 13th of September,

So then we go back to the second Friday of September,

Step eight,

How to Receive Help and Love from Others.

And this is actually in response to someone who joined my live last time,

Enjoyed very much.

And this person wrote to me and said,

I really love what you tell me,

But don't we also need the help and love from others sometime?

And I found it such a good question that I decided to dedicate a live.

So if you ever have questions,

Put them in my meditation group,

Or if you do the courses,

Put it there.

And I might be inspired to do a live around that.

So Jerry is giving me the most beautiful review here,

Embedded in the most beautiful icons of nature.

And he said that he learned from my course,

A beautiful 60-second meditation,

Which helps me.

Yes.

Thank you so much for sharing that,

Jerry.

So bye,

Everyone.

Take good care of yourself.

This has been recorded.

I will edit it slightly and put it back on Insight Timer.

It generally takes one,

Two weeks for me to be able to see it in my free tracks.

If you're part of a meditation group,

I will share it there.

If you follow my profile,

You will also get a notification.

And I would love for you to listen to my work,

Review it,

Share it,

Give comments,

Ask questions in my course,

Tell others on Insight Timer,

Share it on social media.

The more people know about my work,

The more people will take it.

And that I love,

Because I want all of us to be self-gentle,

So we can also be more gentle to the world.

Peace asked,

Do you have any recording scores on honoring difficult emotions on working through this?

Well,

I have some lives that are about emotions.

And I think when you go to my profile,

There are playlists and there's also one that is about emotions.

And actually,

It's also part of the courses,

In a sense,

But it might be a good topic for a specific course.

So thank you for sharing that piece so much.

All right.

So sending you so much love.

Have a beautiful weekend.

And I hope to see you on the 5th of July.

Bye bye,

Everyone.

Reviews

You aangeraakt me i dont translate.
Please stay and make more lives.
There is so beautiful to see in your face, and even more in jour story s.
I am a just looking at jou,
I can not help to love your beauty.
So fine that you can share this with everyone.
And may your and mine dream be with us.
❤️😁

Absolutely Wonderful Femke! 💫✨🌟

Ngiyabonga Kakhulu! 🙏🏾 💕🤗💕